The Vent Part Quatre

[Colleens 40]

My vent is kind of an odd one. I've been in the US now for about 3 months and change... it's going well and I find myself progressing at a nice solid, albeit slow, pace. Everything's great with my husband and family but, my vent is this... since I've lived here, or even before, I have found that I have 'lost' my two best friends. Neither one has said, 'this is a result of your leaving..." but it feels as such. One I lost before I actually moved -- she refused to give me an wriggle room to deal with the fear, anxiety and sheer work that had to be put into this venture. Her theory is/was 'you're getting what you want, you have no right to be stressed or freaking out and I don't have time to deal with you..." Don't get me wrong, I was mostly fine and really, did nothing that I would be ashamed of to her. I basically just needed some room to not give her the undivided attention to her woes that I'd had for so long with no complaint. I dealt with her for the 10 solid years after her dad died and she took to verbal abuse and drinking. I never once told her that I didn't have time to deal with her . I needed her to give me a bit of a boost during my time of stress. Her theory was, I don't want to talk to you about immigration and such as you're leaving me.

The second friendship has always been flakey, flakey person but loved her with all my heart. She wanted me to take a trip to NYC with her into the first month I moved here. I was NOT ready. I didn't have money coming in yet and I just got here -- I needed time to feel my way around and settle. This was not good enough as her theory was, you have your husband, you don't need to worry about money. Uh, no, I do as no one has ever taken care of me and no one will -- that's my job and I need to figure out how to do that here now.

So, now that I'm here and I'm driving and have a car and am actually feeling like I'm settled, I'm missing my two best friends to share this with and am sad that for some reason I just wasn't given the time or space to settle into this new life. I don't care what anyone says, despite the love and happiness of being with yoru partner, this is NOT the easiest thing to do.

Has anyone else had to deal with this? IT's kind of heartbreaking. I think about it a lot especially since now I'm moving forward and stuff and feel like I can take a trip to see people now, that I want to and that I'm ready to. I have good friends still and have made a couple of awesome new ones but it's just really weird that this move has caused me to lose the ones that I thought were going to be there for the long haul.

Thanks for letting me vent. It's my only real issue these days and I wanted to get it out there to people I know understand. People who have not done this sort of thing do NOT.

Thanks, VJ friends.

LGG

I am in somewhat the same boat, my friends really thought I was making a mistake moving here, and although they tried to be somewhat supportive, I knew that it was never genuine. It was hard for them because not too many of them really had a chance to meet Si and get to know him. I first came to the US at then beginning of Dec as a tourist while I waited for my interview. It came at the end of March so I planed to spend about 10 days in Ottawa catching up with friends, and although I let them all know well in advance about my plans, many didn't really make anytime to do things. It was pretty hard for me because since we are in a new town for both of us, we know no one. So it has been pretty pretty lonely. I still can't work, and even when I get EAD, I am doubtful that I will find a job when I am 5-6 months pregnant (which is ok because my EI will switch to Mat benefits which will be really helpful). But it has been really hard to meet anyone. I am hoping once the baby comes that I can get involved in some Mommy groups and meet some people that way. My family is coming for our wedding at the beginning of July, so I can't wait for that

[Krikit 1,164]

Thanks everyone. I'm getting pretty sick of my kind of vents. lol. I want to stop posting about them but, for some reason, it helps me deal with it. Silly, huh?

I am sorry to hear that Krikit. My sister was diagnosed at the beginning of this year. It is definitely tough news to hear, my thoughts are with you.

Awwwwww. I'm so sorry, Colleens. I hope your sister is doing well. My cousin was diagnosed 4 years ago and is doing great. She has new boobies and everything! lol

LGG and Colleens..... I understand exactly what you're going through with the friends issue. I was crushed by some of the actions/reactions of the people I thought were my friends both before and after the move. The nice thing is that once we all got over our hurt feelings we went back to exactly the way things were before the move! Turns out we were all feeling a sense of abandonment. Who knew. Anyway, that first year of dealing with all this was hell. But I am well into my 4th year and everything is normal again. My advice...... give it time. Things will fall into place and all will be well.

[Krikit 1,164]

Aaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!

Stupid mouse!

[Colleens 40]

Awwwwww. I'm so sorry, Colleens. I hope your sister is doing well. My cousin was diagnosed 4 years ago and is doing great. She has new boobies and everything! lol

She is doing well, she had to have one breast removed and will soon be going for reconstruction as well. She is all done with her treatment, and hopefully she will stay cancer free!!!

[Gemmie 142]

Really sorry to hear that, Krikit. I hope the family are dealing with this in the best possible way. I guess it makes you realise how unimportant the small vents are.

LGG, I feel your pain. It's difficult for people that haven't experienced the move to understand that it comes with both good and bad emotions. When you're constantly complaining that you miss your husband and counting down the days until you get your visa and can go and be together, I think it's hard for them to see that the journey does not end there. I'm lucky in that my best friends have been there for me whenever they could (due to timezones) and have listened to my gripes about the move, but I haven't been so lucky with my family. I too have been told that "you have your husband, you can afford to pay for the trip to visit us" when I don't feel comfortable using our savings to do so. I've already been told that they're not able to 'simply drop their lives and visit the US' for at least the next five years, yet I'm constantly being asked when I'm coming back again. It seems like because I made the decision to move, it's my responsibility to "pay it back" by being the one to visit home rather than them making effort to come and see my new home. And it also seems like because I made the decision to move, I can't discuss my negative experiences with them in fear of being told "we told you not to leave" (which happened once).

Unfortunately, some friends aren't able to understand the complexities and you'll find that you lose contact with them. I have a friend here who also emigrated from the UK, and she said that it's a depressing fact that those friends move on, and it's sad - but you'll also make new ones in your new home, and have those precious ones back home that hold onto you.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Really sorry to hear that, Krikit. I hope the family are dealing with this in the best possible way. I guess it makes you realise how unimportant the small vents are.

LGG, I feel your pain. It's difficult for people that haven't experienced the move to understand that it comes with both good and bad emotions. When you're constantly complaining that you miss your husband and counting down the days until you get your visa and can go and be together, I think it's hard for them to see that the journey does not end there. I'm lucky in that my best friends have been there for me whenever they could (due to timezones) and have listened to my gripes about the move, but I haven't been so lucky with my family. I too have been told that "you have your husband, you can afford to pay for the trip to visit us" when I don't feel comfortable using our savings to do so. I've already been told that they're not able to 'simply drop their lives and visit the US' for at least the next five years, yet I'm constantly being asked when I'm coming back again. It seems like because I made the decision to move, it's my responsibility to "pay it back" by being the one to visit home rather than them making effort to come and see my new home. And it also seems like because I made the decision to move, I can't discuss my negative experiences with them in fear of being told "we told you not to leave" (which happened once).

Unfortunately, some friends aren't able to understand the complexities and you'll find that you lose contact with them. I have a friend here who also emigrated from the UK, and she said that it's a depressing fact that those friends move on, and it's sad - but you'll also make new ones in your new home, and have those precious ones back home that hold onto you.

Yep - I only have 1 good CDN friend left now...thankfully my bestfriend of 20 yrs...but other relationships which I thought were rock solid (15+ yrs) went down hill when I started having less time for them when I met my husband. I had been single a long time and basically tagged along with my married friends for everything and once I had something else to do...it turned out we didn't have as much in common. So weird since I regularly called one girl nightly and we talked for 2-3 hours or she dropped by at my house all the time (she had marital problems for many years). They were really good years and those friends got me through some rough times....but it was hard to understand that they couldn't be happy for me when it was finally my turn.

[OBX 51]

I am not going to list the many things that have made me want to scream out in frustration this year.

I am not going to list the many things that have made me want to cry.

My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer today.

My heart aches.

I am sorry to hear that Krikit. My sister was diagnosed at the beginning of this year. It is definitely tough news to hear, my thoughts are with you.

Positives thoughts and best wishes for your aunt (Krikit) and sister (Colleens.)

[Kimbear 53]

I am not going to list the many things that have made me want to scream out in frustration this year.

I am not going to list the many things that have made me want to cry.

My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer today.

My heart aches.

oh my Krikit (((((((HUGS))))))

You poor thing..this is just a horrible week for you For what it's worth, i've lost three family members to cancer, my father, my uncle and my grandfather in law. I know how hard this is and how hard it will be. Just remember we are all here for you. I hope it was caught early enough.

[Marilyn. 340]

so yesterday I get this lovely medical bill for $350 for an ER visit I had a few months ago and I was like what is going on here so I called the health insurance company just now..

it turns out the doctor that was in the ER that night is out of network and they are billing me for the claims the health insurance denied and the insurance company can't do anything because the doc is out of network... :S

how the heck was I supposed to know he was out-of-network when the hospital I was in was in-Network

[Sprailenes 47]

Hospital bills are negotiable... call and work something out.

[Marilyn. 340]

yeah I plan to..

i just hate have to deal with this stuff

oh and the denied claims were claims that overlapped other claims.. which means they double-charged...

Edited June 15, 2010 by Marilyn.

[Krikit 1,164]

Thanks, again, everyone.

You poor thing..this is just a horrible week for you For what it's worth, i've lost three family members to cancer, my father, my uncle and my grandfather in law. I know how hard this is and how hard it will be. Just remember we are all here for you. I hope it was caught early enough.

so yesterday I get this lovely medical bill for $350 for an ER visit I had a few months ago and I was like what is going on here so I called the health insurance company just now..

it turns out the doctor that was in the ER that night is out of network and they are billing me for the claims the health insurance denied and the insurance company can't do anything because the doc is out of network... :S

how the heck was I supposed to know he was out-of-network when the hospital I was in was in-Network

[SupportGeek 21]

*sigh* (((Krikit))), So sorry to hear about your Aunt, I hope they caught it early that it stays encapsulated where it is and its put behind your family quickly and safely. I lost my uncle to cancer some years back, and my father just in December, so Im well aware of the kinds of stress and angst it causes everyone close to the person with it. I will keep you and yours in my thoughts.

Edited June 16, 2010 by SupportGeek

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Krikit and Colleens - good wishes to your aunt and sister - I hope they both make full recoveries. My sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer last summer. She completed her surgery and her treatments and so far everything looks good coming up to a year later. It's scary, though, even when treatment is successful because you always live with the 'what ifs'. Cancer, unfortunately, runs in my mother's side of the family - everyone in her family except for one person has died from cancer - and that was her grandmother who died from a stroke. The generation following hers has been alright so far, so on wood. All of them smoked; none of us do.

My vent - is more of the 'it doesn't rain but it pours' variety. After having to replace the central air system, having the house treated for termites, dealing with losing our apple and fig trees from fire blight and having the crown on my front tooth break and still not able to get the new crown to fit properly (two tries so far - third try is on Thursday) - then finding out insurance isn't going to cover it (heck, didn't you know a crown on a front tooth is cosmetic - you don't need it for any other reason!) all within the last month, I had been putting off getting what I thought was a basic maintenance issue done on the car. It has been squeaking like a rusty gate when we get in to it and I figured it need a lube job. Today, coming back from a doctor's appointment (and that is another ongoing issue that is still unresolved after 2 bouts of two different antibiotics!) it began to make a squealing noise like rubber rubbing on metal! I took it right into the garage and apparently the struts have no more suspension left in them. The car body is actually hitting the tires when I hit rough road, the alignment is gone and the two front tires - which should have about 30,000 more miles on them, are damaged with a ripple type of uneven wear! Even using as much of the existing suspension structure as they could, they had to replace the strut cartridges and mounts which is a labour intensive job as well as requiring expensive parts - and two new tires. Four hours and $1000 later . . . . I am now officially terrified to see our American Express bill this month - because ALL of those charges are going to be on it. I think our dinner out for our anniversary and my birthday this week will have to be at Taco Bells - we have coupons!

[JlovesA 109]

My vent - is more of the 'it doesn't rain but it pours' variety. After having to replace the central air system, having the house treated for termites, dealing with losing our apple and fig trees from fire blight and having the crown on my front tooth break and still not able to get the new crown to fit properly (two tries so far - third try is on Thursday) - then finding out insurance isn't going to cover it (heck, didn't you know a crown on a front tooth is cosmetic - you don't need it for any other reason!) all within the last month, I had been putting off getting what I thought was a basic maintenance issue done on the car. It has been squeaking like a rusty gate when we get in to it and I figured it need a lube job. Today, coming back from a doctor's appointment (and that is another ongoing issue that is still unresolved after 2 bouts of two different antibiotics!) it began to make a squealing noise like rubber rubbing on metal! I took it right into the garage and apparently the struts have no more suspension left in them. The car body is actually hitting the tires when I hit rough road, the alignment is gone and the two front tires - which should have about 30,000 more miles on them, are damaged with a ripple type of uneven wear! Even using as much of the existing suspension structure as they could, they had to replace the strut cartridges and mounts which is a labour intensive job as well as requiring expensive parts - and two new tires. Four hours and $1000 later . . . . I am now officially terrified to see our American Express bill this month - because ALL of those charges are going to be on it. I think our dinner out for our anniversary and my birthday this week will have to be at Taco Bells - we have coupons!

Ugh, that's terrible. It always seems to be the case, eh? I find for me, if I make a bit of money, by some terrible karma, all of it and then some ends up having to be spent on some urgent cost. The money gods must hate me. I'm sure you and the hubby will make it work and at least your car isn't a ticking time bomb of repairs now.

I have a vent myself. I've just been dying to get this off my chest. First, it requires a wee bit of back story. I was married between the ages of 20-22. It was not a good marriage and my ex was not a good husband. However, I always got along really well with his mom. She always told me I was the daughter she never had yada yada. So anyway, when I was 21 I decided I didn't want to be married to him anymore for a myriad of reasons and I moved out of our apartment and left town permanently.

Now to current day...I've maintained a public blog since 2006. Most of my family and friends read it, as well as numerous other people. I have a stat counter that tells me which ISP my visitors are on and I happen to know which ISP my ex's parents use (it's an obscure one because they live in a rural town in Ontario). His mom read my blog regularly for the entirety of our marriage AND after. It always bugged me that she never stopped reading it, but since I can't do anything about it, I decided not to care.

WELL, for the past while, I'm not quite sure how long, I would get really vicious anonymous comments on nearly every entry. I can't remember when it started because I didn't realize it was HIS MOM until I put 2 and 2 together and matched it up with the stat counter. Just last week she left me a really rude comment on an entry I wrote about how I'm moving to the states. Anyway, I can't understand how a grown woman can be so thick-headed and immature as to harass her ex-daughter-in-law over her public blog. I of course delete all of them, but that doesn't erase the fact she keeps doing it. I could really go on and on about how dumb this is, but I'm sure it doesn't need to be said. Unfortunately I can't block specific IPs so unless I want to cut off all anonymous comments (a large majority of my comments), then I have to put up with her #######.

Edited June 16, 2010 by JlovesA