The Vent Part Quatre

[Marilyn. 340]

my husband is bad with money so even though he makes the money I am in charge of paying bills etc... Before I moved here he made a lot of late payments and overdrew his account a tonne of times. All that is a rarity now ..

Edited May 17, 2012 by Marilyn.

[Hugglebuggles 60]

little story... I am great at not being overly hormonal when pregnant except during labor then the gloves come off... However With Levi at 36 weeks when I was all big and swollen, I was eating a banana in our kitchen when My husband walked in and I looked at him and started to ball. He asked me what was wrong and I replied with "you dont like me anymore!, you just dont like me". He hugged me covered in banana and tears.

Omg! That's awesome! I see myself in that, right down to the bananas. I love bananas all the sudden. Today I got upset and told Bill I was feeling neglected. Poor guy, he spends every hour hes not at work with me.

its suposed to be OUR house, yet i'm feeling like im suposed to do everything, while he talks about spending more and mroe money on pc parts and games and going out with his friends. And when i say anything about how i feel, i get the "you dont have a job" stuffed down my throat. and thats really hurting me. he keeps doing that lately and i've told him how i feel but its like he doesn't care. And hte minute i complain he says i'm trying to control him and wont let him see his friends or play games or spend money.

Sorry you're going through that Kimbear, that's tough. If you don't mind me asking, are you looking for a job, or are you just planning on not working? I only ask, because this sounds exactly like my parents relationship. My mom does everything around the house from cooking and cleaning to mowing the lawn and taking out the trash. My mom has never worked, she was a stay at home mom, and when we grew up, she decided it was to late to start a career. So my mom is bitter because my dad doesn't help around thr house, and my dad is bitter because my mom won't work and doesn't help pay the bills. So my dad thinks since he makes the money, he can spend what he wants. Well after many years of this, they are now in drowning debt. My mom complains about his spending, and is always upset she doesnt have the money to do what she wants, but she still refuses to work. Unfortunately your hubbys attitude, although really unfair, seems kind of common among the men in my life.

Bill and I had a little rough patch right after we bought our house. I wasn't working yet, and spent my days working on setting up the house. After about 2 months we had to have a serious conversation about, basically, what the heck I was doing with my life. So the next day I put in several job applications and everything was a lot better. He just wanted to see the effort. With that said, finding a good job can be really tough and take some time!

[SapphireDreams 71]

KimBear - Have you guys sat down with a budget and crunched all of the numbers together so he can see how much you really do need to afford a house? If there is room in the budget for video games and pc parts, then that's great, but didn't he realize getting a house would mean less spending money? Esp. on one income?

Sounds like he needs a bit of a reality check.

Also - did he say he would help with painting and getting the house all organized before you bought it? And is now not helping?

I guess I'm just confused as to why he is acting like all of this is a suprise? I mean you seem pretty level headed and sound like the type of person who would've discussed it in depth?

Sounds like you really need a really serious conversation about your financial future. Or maybe it's another one if you've had one already.

[Gypsyangel 11]

is it too much to ask that my husband help out with the house? .

its suposed to be OUR house, yet i'm feeling like im suposed to do everything, while he talks about spending more and mroe money on pc parts and games and going out with his friends. And when i say anything about how i feel, i get the "you dont have a job" stuffed down my throat. and thats really hurting me. he keeps doing that lately and i've told him how i feel but its like he doesn't care. And hte minute i complain he says i'm trying to control him and wont let him see his friends or play games or spend money.

well **!..we have our first mortage payment June 1st and at this rate it wont be paid. Great way to start off home ownership!. and hes put stuff on 3 credit cards one which is new, and i am worried hes going to get us into debt like he did himself. I just helped him get out fo a 10k credit card debt when i met him, he is just paying that off its his 2nd to last payment. its like he feels he can just go spend willy nilly again too. sigh i just dont know what to do anymore. he doesn't seem to get it at all

Kimbear, sorry to hear you're going through this. Hopefully, this is a transition period. I can completely relate. My husband acted very strange for awhile after we bought our house, but it has settled down. Still, I work at home (which has always been a dream of mine) so my husband thinks that because I'm home that I will take care of all the home stuff, before he gets home from work. Huh? I'm working. It's so annoying sometimes that I think I'll just have to rent an office somewhere so I can get it into his head that I'm working.

My hubby also has weird ideas about money. We were going to get a fence last year, which was going to cost around $5k. It didn't happen for various reasons. So now he wants to go on a vacation and I said, we don't really have the cash for the vacation he wants. He says, well, we didn't put up the fence last year so we have that $5k. Plus, we were going to go away for the weekend and we didn't do that so we have another $600. Really? I asked him if he moved the cash to another savings account or something, but no. We didn't spend it, so we have it. Really? Then, where is it? It's not in our bank account. It makes no sense to me at all, but he is adamant that we have that cash. I cannot convince him otherwise.

The bottom line is that it's scary when you've hooked your finances up to someone else's finances and then you find out they're not as responsible as you are. Your husband may or may not change. Instead of waiting for him to change, maybe you need to set up your finances in a way that protects you, rather than counting on him to change. Like maybe set up a household account, just for paying the mortgage and bills and the first thing he needs to do when he gets his paycheque is transfer an amount agreed upon into that account and then whatever he has left over, he can play with. Just my $0.02.

Hang in there. And don't paint if you're injured! Get better! Things can wait.

[Kimbear 53]

Omg! That's awesome! I see myself in that, right down to the bananas. I love bananas all the sudden. Today I got upset and told Bill I was feeling neglected. Poor guy, he spends every hour hes not at work with me.

Sorry you're going through that Kimbear, that's tough. If you don't mind me asking, are you looking for a job, or are you just planning on not working? I only ask, because this sounds exactly like my parents relationship. My mom does everything around the house from cooking and cleaning to mowing the lawn and taking out the trash. My mom has never worked, she was a stay at home mom, and when we grew up, she decided it was to late to start a career. So my mom is bitter because my dad doesn't help around thr house, and my dad is bitter because my mom won't work and doesn't help pay the bills. So my dad thinks since he makes the money, he can spend what he wants. Well after many years of this, they are now in drowning debt. My mom complains about his spending, and is always upset she doesnt have the money to do what she wants, but she still refuses to work. Unfortunately your hubbys attitude, although really unfair, seems kind of common among the men in my life.

Bill and I had a little rough patch right after we bought our house. I wasn't working yet, and spent my days working on setting up the house. After about 2 months we had to have a serious conversation about, basically, what the heck I was doing with my life. So the next day I put in several job applications and everything was a lot better. He just wanted to see the effort. With that said, finding a good job can be really tough and take some time!

I had a part time job for a couple of months i got fired 2 days before xmas. since we were living at his parents place 2.5 hours away from his job with only one car i did'nt bother to look for work. there was no bus etc where his parents are. i've only had my green card a bit over a year..it took forever to get. I do plan on getting a job now that we have the house, in fact we talked abou this. i told him to gifve me a month or two to get the dogs used to things etc before i left them alone all day. and i knew we had stuff to do like paint etc.

[Kimbear 53]

KimBear - Have you guys sat down with a budget and crunched all of the numbers together so he can see how much you really do need to afford a house? If there is room in the budget for video games and pc parts, then that's great, but didn't he realize getting a house would mean less spending money? Esp. on one income?

Sounds like he needs a bit of a reality check.

Also - did he say he would help with painting and getting the house all organized before you bought it? And is now not helping?

I guess I'm just confused as to why he is acting like all of this is a suprise? I mean you seem pretty level headed and sound like the type of person who would've discussed it in depth?

Sounds like you really need a really serious conversation about your financial future. Or maybe it's another one if you've had one already.

Did all that. i give him a tally every day and ask him for receipts since he doesn't bother to keep em and i have to ask what certain things are on the bank account so i can keep my register book balanced. He knew there were certain moving fees that we would have in addition to the mortgage, the uhaul rental, the hookup price for water garbage etc. prorated utility bills. i think half of what i told him went in one ear and out the other.

part of the reason he is like this i'm sure is cuz we were at his parents place for 9 months. and coudl not do anything, watch movies tv drink etc. we talked again last night and he admitted hes like a kid on a diet who is allowed in a candy store and is now pigging out. he said hed help out around the house he even picked out paint colours with me. he came home and said he was going to do his "chores". he tried to say it jokingly but i did not take it that way.

Edited May 18, 2012 by Kimbear

[Kimbear 53]

Kimbear, sorry to hear you're going through this. Hopefully, this is a transition period. I can completely relate. My husband acted very strange for awhile after we bought our house, but it has settled down. Still, I work at home (which has always been a dream of mine) so my husband thinks that because I'm home that I will take care of all the home stuff, before he gets home from work. Huh? I'm working. It's so annoying sometimes that I think I'll just have to rent an office somewhere so I can get it into his head that I'm working.

My hubby also has weird ideas about money. We were going to get a fence last year, which was going to cost around $5k. It didn't happen for various reasons. So now he wants to go on a vacation and I said, we don't really have the cash for the vacation he wants. He says, well, we didn't put up the fence last year so we have that $5k. Plus, we were going to go away for the weekend and we didn't do that so we have another $600. Really? I asked him if he moved the cash to another savings account or something, but no. We didn't spend it, so we have it. Really? Then, where is it? It's not in our bank account. It makes no sense to me at all, but he is adamant that we have that cash. I cannot convince him otherwise.

The bottom line is that it's scary when you've hooked your finances up to someone else's finances and then you find out they're not as responsible as you are. Your husband may or may not change. Instead of waiting for him to change, maybe you need to set up your finances in a way that protects you, rather than counting on him to change. Like maybe set up a household account, just for paying the mortgage and bills and the first thing he needs to do when he gets his paycheque is transfer an amount agreed upon into that account and then whatever he has left over, he can play with. Just my $0.02.

Hang in there. And don't paint if you're injured! Get better! Things can wait.

OMG that sounds exactly like David sometimes. I dont get how his brain works sometimes. He also believes 100% what shows up online is what he has available to spend and i keep telling him thats not the case. we have bills that get paid and dont show up as withdrawn for a few days, or checks that take a while to get cashed etc. and everytime i tell him this he has to say " but the online account" etc etc.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Every so often my husband and I have to remind the other one who is being a bit 'spendy' that we have higher goals. We were both on tighter budgets before marrying, but now with 2 incomes, it sometimes seems like our spending money is just waiting to be spent and we're in some sort of race to get to zero!

I have taken the main role of money manager but it's not that my husband doesn't give our accounts a check every couple of days. I log in each morning, make sure anything that was supposed to 'go' has gone and make sure nothing weird has come out. I tend to be better at scheduling bills in a timely fashion so I do it.

I have to admit we have similar tastes in what we consider important and what we like to spend money on and we know that bills and saving needs to be done first before we buy something fun.

I think there are a couple approaches you could take.

- Resign from the money manager job and assign everything to your husband. But you have to trust that he will taken on the responibility and not look over his shoulder

- work out a budget where everyone has spending $$$ and they can spend it on whatever they want. everything else is moved into savings or pays bills right away

- pay yourself a salary if you're the stay at home person...take it out on payday so it cannot be spent by anyone else. of course you should discuss this first

Communication is the key though...a lot of this stems from being in a tight spot ow and you'll probably get through it and be better off in few months

[Kimbear 53]

I keep telling him its just for THIS first month that stuff is tight. I have no idea how much our utility bills are going to cost and i just got nailed with a 185$ att bill. going from an apartment to a house is a big leap in montly costs. so i'm tryign to keep a reserve just in case. i want at least 50% of what the mortgage payment is to stay in the bank for emergencies. or unexpected expenses, like his best friends wedding in July etc. i never said he could not spend ANY money which is why i'm so perplexed. i just dont see the need for him to buy every pcs of pc equip gym equip etc NOW, rather than getting stuff bit by bit as we pay off the moving expenses. hes like the little kid in the store screaming i want i want and now now now. i mean seriously? lol. i have not even wanted to play on my pc or anything since we got the house. i'm outside alot with teh dogs, we moved right next to a forest preserve that i want us to start goign to for walks etc. i dont wanna be handcuffed inside all summer to a computer.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I keep telling him its just for THIS first month that stuff is tight. I have no idea how much our utility bills are going to cost and i just got nailed with a 185$ att bill. going from an apartment to a house is a big leap in montly costs. so i'm tryign to keep a reserve just in case. i want at least 50% of what the mortgage payment is to stay in the bank for emergencies. or unexpected expenses, like his best friends wedding in July etc. i never said he could not spend ANY money which is why i'm so perplexed. i just dont see the need for him to buy every pcs of pc equip gym equip etc NOW, rather than getting stuff bit by bit as we pay off the moving expenses. hes like the little kid in the store screaming i want i want and now now now. i mean seriously? lol. i have not even wanted to play on my pc or anything since we got the house. i'm outside alot with teh dogs, we moved right next to a forest preserve that i want us to start goign to for walks etc. i dont wanna be handcuffed inside all summer to a computer.

It is pretty immature for him to just want want want. Within reason you each may have different priorities with your portion of spending money. There are certainly times for me when I've looked at what my husband wants and I'm thinking 'do you really need this? What you have isn't even broken'...Sometimes he's just musing out loud and isn't really intending on buying the item immediately so I have to keep it to myself rather then being the naggy voice of reason.

I have a thing for Kate Spade bags and Pandora beads (not to mention we both love video gaming) that could put us in the poor house so I'm sure he thinks the same thing when I get excited about a sample sale.

Wait a minute...since when did I become such a spoiled brat? I never even cared about these things when I lived in ON....on yah, joint income

[Kathryn41 3,205]

KimBear,

Your injury does sound exactly like carpal tunnel syndrome, and all of the painting you have been doing is exacerbating it. It is basically caused by a lot of repetitive movement. One thing you can do to help is to go to the pharmacy and get a carpal tunnel brace. It will have flat metal panels on the palm and the back of the hand that will hold your hand in a certain position that will release the stress on the nerves involved. They are getting pinched which is causing the feelings of numbness and tingling and electric type shockiness. I get it as well and often wear the brace for several weeks until it resolves. You can wear it at night and I find it definitely stops that 'hand asleep' feeling that wakes you up in the middle of the night. You can expect to pay around $15 or more for it - make sure it is for carpel tunnel and try to get one that is specific for the hand involved (right or left) and is in the correct size. Having the correct fit is important.

Good luck.

Edited May 19, 2012 by Kathryn41

[Marilyn. 340]

so I haven't talked to my mom or dad since probably January. I gave up calling them because they were always busy.. Well, yesterday was my Birthday and my mom called but I missed the call and she called again today but my phone was turned off. I called her back when I saw that she had called and we were having a nice conversation but after about 15 minutes or so she says she has to go and help my dad :S.. I was disappointed because there was more I wanted to talk to her about

Edited May 21, 2012 by Marilyn.

[Ontarkie 14,226]

so I haven't talked to my mom or dad since probably January. I gave up calling them because they were always busy.. Well, yesterday was my Birthday and my mom called but I missed the call and she called again today but my phone was turned off. I called her back when I saw that she had called and we were having a nice conversation but after about 15 minutes or so she says she has to go and help my dad :S.. I was disappointed because there was more I wanted to talk to her about

Happy Birthday Marilyn!

Sorry you didn't get to talk to your mom very long.

[Flames9_RN 358]

so I haven't talked to my mom or dad since probably January. I gave up calling them because they were always busy.. Well, yesterday was my Birthday and my mom called but I missed the call and she called again today but my phone was turned off. I called her back when I saw that she had called and we were having a nice conversation but after about 15 minutes or so she says she has to go and help my dad :S.. I was disappointed because there was more I wanted to talk to her about

Sorry... Happy Bday!!

[Marilyn. 340]

Thanks...

My mom thinks reading my Facebook page is good enough to keep updated about my life :S