The Vent Part Quatre

[NBtoPitt 2]

The contract was the verbal agreement that my husband would help out for two two-week periods. Obviously, since it was family, my husband and I didn't see it as something as binding as a contract, but when our plans changed and he couldn't go for the second two weeks there was a huge backlash. There was no money involved, his mother just really believed that he owed it to her for raising him and also because, since she didn't think he was going to get married this year, she had planned for him to be able to help her out (even though she hadn't asked nor had he agreed to anything before the "contract" thing above) until his classes resumed at Carnegie Mellon. Her and her husband believed that helping them was my husband's responsibility whether he agreed to it or not.

I have to agree about his step-father being out-of-line, and yes he kind of is creepy. The creepiest part was that after I discovered he found my blog, I blocked his ISP, which angered him all the more so he spent over a day hiding his identity through proxy servers to spam my site.

Oh, and I am 22. My husband is two years younger.

[NBtoPitt 2]

I definitely agree, and you're not alone. I'm struggling to learn this lesson as well, with my family either criticizing my husband or claiming that I no longer care about the ones back home. The way you said it was a 'breech of contract' is exactly how it feels. They want me to fail (telling me that my education was worthless and asking why I haven't applied at McDonalds yet, telling me that there's a sofa available WHEN my marriage ends) because then it will prove them right, and have me come back to the family. Everything I do is interpreted as careless and they even went so far as to call me selfish because 'all I care about is me and my husband'.

And you know what? As harsh as it sounds, that's the way it should be! You and your husband are a family too, you've united your lives in order to be your own unit, along with its separate values, ideals, communication, plans, etc. If you both decide to stay together and not go back for the visit because of WHATEVER reason (let alone when it's a genuine financial reason), that should be the end of that. There is so much negativity around the family, try not to let it spread to you. Like I said, I'm trying to learn this lesson too, because I still get so angry and upset when I'm attacked for wanting a life separate from theirs. I hope you find the strength to ignore everything they throw at you, either directly or indirectly through the emails. When you do, send me some plz.

That sounds awful! It really does make you want to prove them wrong, though. I'm trying hard to ignore it, and usually I'm alright. It's just when other things go wrong, especially things like the visa taking longer than expected, I know that someone somewhere is smiling smugly and it drives me crazy. I'm hoping things will settle down eventually and we can all just move on, but in the back of my head I find myself making alternate plans preparing for the worst.

Anyway, as an update on the situation, my husband returned his mother's email last night by saying that the sentiment she has in which I'm forcing him to do anything is the exact reason he hasn't felt like speaking to her, along with being incredibly busy, and he will email her back when he is ready but not a moment sooner. I was proud of him for standing up to her, but the email she sent back said that he seems very "oppositional" lately and she can only assume where that's coming from. Which I guess means me. Ah, well.

[Nina~ 431]

I have to agree about his step-father being out-of-line, and yes he kind of is creepy. The creepiest part was that after I discovered he found my blog, I blocked his ISP, which angered him all the more so he spent over a day hiding his identity through proxy servers to spam my site.

Oh, and I am 22. My husband is two years younger.

Oh yuck, it definitely sounds like he is stalking you guys. Is this something he is doing by himself or is he doing this together with your MIL? Your husband should tell him to stop contacting you.

[Ontarkie 14,226]

Wow, I feel bad for all of you who have to deal with ####### from in laws and parents to that extreme. I know at times all families can be pushy/bossy/rude, but that is just nuts what you have to go through. I hope things get better soon and your not forced to cut them out of your lives.

Well not much of a vent, but I think I bought a crappy kind of pellet food for our baby bird. We had such a hard time looking for one the right size, that when I saw this one, it was natural and the right size I grabbed it. Now I am reading more about it and realize it may be junk.

[antda 13]

The office Ant is referring to out of Quebec is the CRA's International Tax Office. It is where he would file his tax return next Spring as well.

By the way, I found one of my former VJ posts...And found the contact informatin to the CRA's International Tax Office....

Here it is....(hope it helps you all here too..)

By the way, to save you and everyone else a lot of "telephone tag" time and extra "bills", here is the exact "redirected" contact information (which I had to dig up my old Canadian taxes paperwork to re-find for all you VJers), that I used to get my GST rebate situation finally sorted out with Revenue Canada (lol...yeah, it's located in n Quebec too, for all you bi-lingual folks...). Be sure too, to have your Social Insurance Number handy when contacting them.

Canada Revenue Agency

Schawinigan-Sud, Quebec,

G9N 7S6, Canada

Tel: 1-800-959-1953

Hope this helps. Good luck to everyone who contacts them in regards to your GST rebate cheques.

Ant (No more GST Cheques! No more "Bills"! No more Revenue Canada!...)

P.S. And for humour's sake ...here is part of the letter/note that I wrote to Revenue Canada, when I "returned to sender" the GST cheques that they mistakenly sent me:

"I have never cashed any cheques that I was not eligible for, so please do not send me any more cheques, or any other information indicating that I owe you money!" Lol...And I haven't heard back from the since.....

Ant

[antda 13]

PixelUlu- Sorry to hear about your situation regarding your in-laws....

And yes, as grown-ups and as married persons you and your husband are entitled to your own lives away from the parents...

There is no law and/or legal contract that says that one is obligated and required to support and/or otherwise help their parents....

So sorry, they can't use that 'you owe us' excuse in any way, shape, or form....

It would never hold up in court or otherwise!

Adult children have a right to their own lives....Without their parents' interference..

It's one thing if the children want to visit and help their parents, out of their own free will (which is fine), but it is another if they are 'forced' to do so, which is wrong in all ways....

Part of it has to do with their insecurities in terms of 'letting their children go/grow up'...

And until they can admit and/or come to terms with that, sad to say, the adult children are the ones that are going to have to stand up for themselves and do what they think is right for them in their lives.....

Both sides should have to feel like they want to communicate with each other, and not be forced to do such out of fear, obligation, or otherwise.....

If it makes you feel any better, we went through something similar too, with both sides of the family....

Lol...In one scenario, we ended up not contacting that side of the family ever again....(yes, total disownment...there was no room for compromising in that situation...)

In the other scenario, we ended up still contacting them for visits only, but will not deal with anything more than that....(some kind of compromise, I suppose...for example, we would go for visits only, but not help with legal/medical/financial, etc. matters....they would have to find that help elsewhere instead....)

PM me if you need some more info about the specifics....It's not pretty...lol...but yeah I can share with you privately if you want...

Hope this helps. Regardless, I hope you do get this sorted out and reach some sort of compromise too. Good luck with the rest of your journey as well...

Ant

Edited August 11, 2010 by Ant+D+BabyA

[The_Dude 1,142]

The contract was the verbal agreement that my husband would help out for two two-week periods. Obviously, since it was family, my husband and I didn't see it as something as binding as a contract, but when our plans changed and he couldn't go for the second two weeks there was a huge backlash. There was no money involved, his mother just really believed that he owed it to her for raising him and also because, since she didn't think he was going to get married this year, she had planned for him to be able to help her out (even though she hadn't asked nor had he agreed to anything before the "contract" thing above) until his classes resumed at Carnegie Mellon. Her and her husband believed that helping them was my husband's responsibility whether he agreed to it or not.

I have to agree about his step-father being out-of-line, and yes he kind of is creepy. The creepiest part was that after I discovered he found my blog, I blocked his ISP, which angered him all the more so he spent over a day hiding his identity through proxy servers to spam my site.

Oh, and I am 22. My husband is two years younger.

Wow, that is stalkerrific. The step-father in law sounds particularly wonderful.

[Flames9_RN 358]

PixelUlu- Sorry to hear about your situation regarding your in-laws....

And yes, as grown-ups and as married persons you and your husband are entitled to your own lives away from the parents...

There is no law and/or legal contract that says that one is obligated and required to support and/or otherwise help their parents....

So sorry, they can't use that 'you owe us' excuse in any way, shape, or form....

It would never hold up in court or otherwise!

Adult children have a right to their own lives....Without their parents' interference..

It's one thing if the children want to visit and help their parents, out of their own free will (which is fine), but it is another if they are 'forced' to do so, which is wrong in all ways....

Part of it has to do with their insecurities in terms of 'letting their children go/grow up'...

And until they can admit and/or come to terms with that, sad to say, the adult children are the ones that are going to have to stand up for themselves and do what they think is right for them in their lives.....

Both sides should have to feel like they want to communicate with each other, and not be forced to do such out of fear, obligation, or otherwise.....

If it makes you feel any better, we went through something similar too, with both sides of the family....

Lol...In one scenario, we ended up not contacting that side of the family ever again....(yes, total disownment...there was no room for compromising in that situation...)

In the other scenario, we ended up still contacting them for visits only, but will not deal with anything more than that....(some kind of compromise, I suppose...for example, we would go for visits only, but not help with legal/medical/financial, etc. matters....they would have to find that help elsewhere instead....)

PM me if you need some more info about the specifics....It's not pretty...lol...but yeah I can share with you privately if you want...

Hope this helps. Regardless, I hope you do get this sorted out and reach some sort of compromise too. Good luck with the rest of your journey as well...

Ant

Actually there is a LAW (in Canada) that states that 1 has to look after their parents!! It is a law that is rarely ever enforced/used!! There is a case in BC right now where a mom (father passed away) is trying to get her kids to pay her monthly support!! The kicker is--she was a terrible mom--pretty much abandoned her kids, and most of them have had no contact with her!! No wout of the blue she wants support and by law she can be entitled to it. read it in the newspaper a few weeks back. Nothing to do with the op current situation, but found it interesting!!

[antda 13]

Actually there is a LAW (in Canada) that states that 1 has to look after their parents!! It is a law that is rarely ever enforced/used!! There is a case in BC right now where a mom (father passed away) is trying to get her kids to pay her monthly support!! The kicker is--she was a terrible mom--pretty much abandoned her kids, and most of them have had no contact with her!! No wout of the blue she wants support and by law she can be entitled to it. read it in the newspaper a few weeks back. Nothing to do with the op current situation, but found it interesting!!

Flames9RN-

Thanks for sharing that story about that case in BC....Interesting, indeed!

Are you serious? What type of law is that? Is this a provincial law or a federal law in Canada?

Do you have more info about this law (and yes, if you find more info on that, can you post about it...thanks)?

Yikes!....

On the bright side, thank goodness that this is rarely enforced/used....

Though I do have to wonder, how do they enforce such?

And is this law enforcable elsewhere too? (for example, parents in Canada, but children living elsewhere in the world)

It's not like they can say that an adult has to support another adult, without justified cause.....

And I do hope that in the situation you decribed, for the sake of the adult children, that the mother does not win!

How awful it must be for the kids to be treated badly as children, only to have to further deal with this as adults..

Oh my....

Ant

P.S. To Everyone else...

There is no law in the USA (or any that we know of anyways...and yes, we actually did inquire about this legally here in the USA for our particular situation....long story...) regarding adult children taking care of their parents....So if you're in the USA...you're in luck...lol....You're not bound by the law to do such...

Hope this helps too....

Ant

[Flames9_RN 358]

http://www.timescolonist.com/life/disowned+teen+sues+support/3130309/story.html

The above article states its s BC case. Not sure if other provinces have a similar law!!

[OBX 51]

Actually there is a LAW (in Canada) that states that 1 has to look after their parents!! It is a law that is rarely ever enforced/used!! There is a case in BC right now where a mom (father passed away) is trying to get her kids to pay her monthly support!! The kicker is--she was a terrible mom--pretty much abandoned her kids, and most of them have had no contact with her!! No wout of the blue she wants support and by law she can be entitled to it. read it in the newspaper a few weeks back. Nothing to do with the op current situation, but found it interesting!!

My son was telling me about that last time I was back home. Thank goodness I had just taken him out for dinner after buying him an Ipad for his birthday! Getting my points in so he'll take care of me when I'm older!

He's promised me a room in the basement as long as I clean and babysit.

[Kimbear 53]

i am absolutely livid at my apartment owners..

when we were looking at this apartment we were told 200$ deposit, then when we went to sign the lease we were told" oh those are the old rules, we have new management and you need a co signor since you make 300 less than we preper so now it is 350$ deposit." ok fine..we paid it. however the night we got the keys they didn't want to wait for the extra 100$ cheque to pass so they wanted a credit card payment asap, fine we did it. I went back in to the office on july 6th to say hey by the way you have a cheque you didn't cash..give me the money back. oh we can't do that but we will give you a credit, and then i find out our first month rent free was for us..not our pets..we had to pay the pet rent. so the 100$ credit became only 65$.

so i say well i want it written down on my lease we overpaid our security deposit. so they wrote the amount down dated and signed it. Fast forward to today, the new management is looking over every lease and the books and is now trying to tell me we owe them 100$ and that the security deposit is now 450$...umm say what?? and that we should not have deducted our august rent for the 65 over payment.

needless to say the correction to the lease makes it look like we agreed to an increased security deposit and they have edited their ledges now in august with a charge of an extra 100 and dated it july 1 ..which i'm pretty sure backdating something like that is illegal..but of course the usa doesn't effing believe in rental laws anywhere like quebec or ontario so now i'm up sh1te crick and have to cough up the damn money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

[SapphireDreams 71]

i am absolutely livid at my apartment owners..

when we were looking at this apartment we were told 200$ deposit, then when we went to sign the lease we were told" oh those are the old rules, we have new management and you need a co signor since you make 300 less than we preper so now it is 350$ deposit." ok fine..we paid it. however the night we got the keys they didn't want to wait for the extra 100$ cheque to pass so they wanted a credit card payment asap, fine we did it. I went back in to the office on july 6th to say hey by the way you have a cheque you didn't cash..give me the money back. oh we can't do that but we will give you a credit, and then i find out our first month rent free was for us..not our pets..we had to pay the pet rent. so the 100$ credit became only 65$.

so i say well i want it written down on my lease we overpaid our security deposit. so they wrote the amount down dated and signed it. Fast forward to today, the new management is looking over every lease and the books and is now trying to tell me we owe them 100$ and that the security deposit is now 450$...umm say what?? and that we should not have deducted our august rent for the 65 over payment.

needless to say the correction to the lease makes it look like we agreed to an increased security deposit and they have edited their ledges now in august with a charge of an extra 100 and dated it july 1 ..which i'm pretty sure backdating something like that is illegal..but of course the usa doesn't effing believe in rental laws anywhere like quebec or ontario so now i'm up sh1te crick and have to cough up the damn money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

OMG that is ridiculous.

Whatever you do, when you move out, just deduct that $450 deposit from your last rent check. That's what we plan to do since apparently they don't give back deposits, even if you don't leave any damage. Rental companies are so scummy.

At this point though, I'd be tempted to threaten them with getting a lawyer involved and just not pay the $100 for a few months and see if they let down. But, I guess it's not worth the risk of them getting your credit involved or paying interest.

[The_Dude 1,142]

i am absolutely livid at my apartment owners..

when we were looking at this apartment we were told 200$ deposit, then when we went to sign the lease we were told" oh those are the old rules, we have new management and you need a co signor since you make 300 less than we preper so now it is 350$ deposit." ok fine..we paid it. however the night we got the keys they didn't want to wait for the extra 100$ cheque to pass so they wanted a credit card payment asap, fine we did it. I went back in to the office on july 6th to say hey by the way you have a cheque you didn't cash..give me the money back. oh we can't do that but we will give you a credit, and then i find out our first month rent free was for us..not our pets..we had to pay the pet rent. so the 100$ credit became only 65$.

so i say well i want it written down on my lease we overpaid our security deposit. so they wrote the amount down dated and signed it. Fast forward to today, the new management is looking over every lease and the books and is now trying to tell me we owe them 100$ and that the security deposit is now 450$...umm say what?? and that we should not have deducted our august rent for the 65 over payment.

needless to say the correction to the lease makes it look like we agreed to an increased security deposit and they have edited their ledges now in august with a charge of an extra 100 and dated it july 1 ..which i'm pretty sure backdating something like that is illegal..but of course the usa doesn't effing believe in rental laws anywhere like quebec or ontario so now i'm up sh1te crick and have to cough up the damn money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

There are laws regarding tenants rights, they however are on the state level. Some counties and cities have further laws regarding this. From a cursory search, I found only a snipet of information. http://www.hud.gov/local/il/renting/tenantrights.cfm

OMG that is ridiculous.

Whatever you do, when you move out, just deduct that $450 deposit from your last rent check. That's what we plan to do since apparently they don't give back deposits, even if you don't leave any damage. Rental companies are so scummy.

At this point though, I'd be tempted to threaten them with getting a lawyer involved and just not pay the $100 for a few months and see if they let down. But, I guess it's not worth the risk of them getting your credit involved or paying interest.

I would not do that as it can do a lot more than just degrade your credit. It will show as a delinquent account on your credit report and they can submit it to a collection agency. Having that on your credit score will severely limit your choices when getting a new apartment or a mortgage.

[Tick Tock 3]

Gosh.

Big hugs to everyone enduring the BS of others. I keep hearing more and more about people trying to screw over others - rarely do I hear of someone doing something nice for another. Hell, one of my husband's uncles kicked us out of the house (shoebox) we were renting so one of his daughters could move back in, without giving us much notice. He actually put our stuff on the porch because we evidently weren't clearing out quick enough! Plus, his wife/that daughter had the audacity to complain that we left the house a mess, which is just asinine. I am no neat freak; the place was a bit untidy, but it's not like I had a chance to make things extra tidy AND pack when we were being forced out at a moment's notice. I'd of cleaned up more if I had the chance, of course. We paid the full month's rent at the start of the month, but only occupied the house for 2 weeks. The full rent was enough to cover 2 weeks plus utilities, but they wanted us to pay the utilities on top of full month's rent. Suffice to say, we did not pay anything else.

I have a little vent. I guess. Maybe rather immature. I don't know. :\

I can't get out of the house; no public transit, no sidewalks, outside city limits, et cetera. As such, it's not like I've ever managed to make friends. What I have/had were "the spouses of my husband's friends, who I got along with, but could count the number of times I've seen them on 2 hands." One of these, I have seen maybe once or twice, and that was like 3 or 4 years ago. The other, it has been months. I would only see them if my husband wanted to hang out with his male friends, in which case I'd go with.

Now, the female friend (and her husband, whom I guess is a "friend" in the same "rarely-see-you-but-get-along-with" capacity) were from the west coast. They moved to the east coast (where I am). They've finally decided that this neck of the state utterly sucks and they are going back to their home state to be with their families and in an environment that doesn't suck. Now, I can't say I'm surprised they're leaving. I'm surprised they stayed as long as they have. I certainly, honestly, wish them both the best of luck. Female friend left yesterday (apparently) - never got to say bye to her or anything, but then again, I am sure I was just an acquaintance to her. Her husband is working his 2 weeks notice and is then also leaving.

My "friend" count is back to 0, excluding the one friend from Canada whom I still consider my best female friend as we got along like peas in a pod and still do even though our contact is sparse.

I wish we could just up and leave this place like they did. Move to somewhere that has promise of a positive future.

Of course I'd need a job so we'd have 2 incomes to even attempt to pull such a thing off. It all comes right around to the fact that I don't have a GC.

Edited August 11, 2010 by Tick Tock