The Vent Part Quatre

[antda 13]

Tick Tock- I'm sorry for your loss....

My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time....

Ant

[Bern. 3]

I think I'm having a young adult crisis?

I've been back in Canada for a week visiting my family and friends, I have 3 weeks left and I feel so overwhelmed. I want to stay in Canada with my family, but I want to go home to my husband, obviously I should go back to the USA for my husband, especially since we're expecting, but I'm completely terrified of being a parent and I guess what I am feeling is inadequate. As well, I know I'm going to miss my family again so much. I guess I'm feeling somewhat regret as well, like I grew up too fast. ): Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent here.

[Tick Tock 3]

@ Ant

Thanks so much. Every time I think of him, I make sure to focus on happy thoughts. It certainly is helping me cope.

@ Bern.

Though I do not have the ability to visit home, I sympathize with you. I am sure you will have a good visit, and that returning back to the States will be a point of perhaps some difficulty, but just remember, there will always be other visits back home - and perhaps chances for some family to visit you as well. Beyond that, although I am not a mother (young adult as yourself, though), I have read and heard that the worry about becoming a mother is normal as well. I think the fact that there is some worry shows that you are concerned, and will do what you can when your baby comes into the world. Just take things one day at a time - try not to feel overwhelmed with what has not transpired yet - and remember that there is support from your husband, your family and (hopefully!) his family as well. *Big hug!*

[Kayleigh+Kyle 0]

hehe ya i know. david was all scared like omg they are gonna jail you for tax evasion..and i told him honey..it's not the IRS..it's just Canada

on another note..just noticed today you can now cancel your direct deposit online with them..so if they do mail me cheques..i can just return to sender. makes my life easier.

OH and finally after 5 months..BELL finally sent me my check for the double payment they took back in FEBRUARY!!!....like jeez...

My husband needs to remove his direct deposit from that. How do you do it?

[antda 13]

I think I'm having a young adult crisis?

I've been back in Canada for a week visiting my family and friends, I have 3 weeks left and I feel so overwhelmed. I want to stay in Canada with my family, but I want to go home to my husband, obviously I should go back to the USA for my husband, especially since we're expecting, but I'm completely terrified of being a parent and I guess what I am feeling is inadequate. As well, I know I'm going to miss my family again so much. I guess I'm feeling somewhat regret as well, like I grew up too fast. ): Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent here.

Bern- I totally understand how you are feeling.....

As likewise, I went through the same thing too..."Been there, done that..."...

Lol..And it certainly intensifies when one is pregnant too...(it must be those pregnancy hormones....lol....)

I called it the "quarter life crisis", which hits a person when they reach their mid-twenties or so.....

I think it happens when us twenty-something year-olds get married and start a family early on in life....

As compared to other peers of the same age group, we've seemed to have grown up in ways....

For example, most people in their twenties are still in college/university, busy with their new careers/jobs, going out partying/drinking, travelling all over the world, going out on dates, having more free time etc...

And thus this is where the "regret" sets in...."Did we miss out on the fun?".....

But then I think...."Wait a minute...I didn't miss anything at all! I'm just going through a different path in life and am ahead of the game...."

I find other ways to have fun while I'm ahead too.....

Lol...I'd rather spend a day playing with my son at the park, than a day partying at a club/bar.....

By the time the others "catch up" to where we are at, it could be too late for them....(for example, women have 'biological clocks' in terms of when they can have biological children in their lives...and to those who put their careers first and realize that later on it life....it would be too late....)

Lol..So yeah...Don't feel as though you're behind, think of yourself as ahead instead!

Sooner or later, they will be the ones who will be asking you for advice about their lives...

As they will eventually get to those family milestones that you are already at now....

And by then, you'll be an "expert" in such matters, having lived life ahead....

And think: 10 years later, some will be still stuck at their dead-end jobs and desperately still in search of a date...

While we will be the ones who will still be happily married and happily with kids.....

As for the anxieties of being a first-time parent...It's normal...

Don't worry though, as "kids don't come with instructions, and each kid is different", and overall, there is no exact rule or science as to how to raise your kids. The key here is to be a good parent, love your children, no matter what, and to trust your instincts...And the rest will follow....One day at a time....After all, "parenting is a learning process" too....

Lol...I'm still learning a lot from my son each and every day......And having a lot of fun doing such too...

As for being homesick...That's normal too....(I'm sure others have felt the same way too...)....

But you're lucky in that you get to visit them every so often and that you can keep in touch while you are apart..So enjoy the time that you have with them and have fun when you all get together...

Hope this helps. Good luck with your journey. And good luck in getting through your 'quarter-life crisis' too...

Ant

Edited August 9, 2010 by Ant+D+BabyA

[antda 13]

@ Ant

Thanks so much. Every time I think of him, I make sure to focus on happy thoughts. It certainly is helping me cope.

TickTock-I'm glad that you are able to find comfort and focus on the happy thoughts about him. And with those thoughts, I hope that you you can feel that he is always with you and will always be a part of your life. Remember: The memories last forever, and nobody can ever take that away from you... So cherish the good thoughts and good memories....

Kayleigh+Kyle-I have no clue about direct deposit for Revenue Canada....However...You can try conacting the 1-800 customer service number (I can't remember what it is at the moment...but I do remember that it was out of Quebec.....maybe someone else can post that number here) and see if they can help you further with your situation. That's what I did when I had a problem with Revenue Canada in regards to the GST cheques and got it sorted out that way....

Ant

[Kathryn41 3,205]

My husband needs to remove his direct deposit from that. How do you do it?

The best way is to notify Canada Revenue Agency in writing so they have a paper trail with his signature. It would probably be a good idea, however, to wait until next year because he needs to file one more tax return with CRA. It will be for this year and only for the part of the year that he is in Canada, but if he gets any sort of rebate, CRA will direct deposit it into his account which is much easier than trying to get a Canadian cheque cashed in the US.

If he is receiving GST credits and wishes to stop as he is no longer eligible, he would also do it in writing, sending them his account information and including his Social Insurance Number since his tax information is accessed through his S.I.N. If he receives any cheques in the meantime, he can send it back to them by writing them a cheque for the amount and mailing it to them.

Now, he can do this all directly himself and he can find the information about what he needs to do and where he can send things here: http://www.cra-arc.g...s/menu-eng.html or, he can call the office of his Member of Parliament from where he used to live in Canada and ask them to act on his behalf. They would need to fax him a permission form that he would fill out and sign and fax back to them that will allow them to act on his behalf. I used to do things like this very often when I worked for the MPs office back in Canada.

Again, though, I wouldn't stop the direct deposit access to that account until after taxes next year, but you can get them to stop putting in deposits for which he is no longer entitled.

The office Ant is referring to out of Quebec is the CRA's International Tax Office. It is where he would file his tax return next Spring as well.

Edited August 9, 2010 by Kathryn41

[Kimbear 53]

My husband needs to remove his direct deposit from that. How do you do it?

you have to have an epass account and login to your account. if you do not have one you have to sign up for it and it takes 2 months. they send you a username and a password pin separately. the good thing is that it shows you ALL of yoru tax returns you ever did etc. all online and easily accessible.

[Bern. 3]

Thank you so much Tick and Ant, your words have really helped. I think what sucked the most was worrying about my mother not being able to make it on her own (I helped pay mortgage, bills, etc) but she is such an amazing woman, and she's doing it..so I have nothing to worry about, and in February she will fly down and visit once she gets her income tax return! So thank you everyone, I will enjoy the rest of my trip to it's fullest. <3 Baby shower on Sunday yey.

[NBtoPitt 2]

My vent is two-fold: for one, I just got my NVC case complete and am realizing how backed up it is at Montreal. Our wedding (already legally married, but waited to have our actual wedding) is in January and I'm terrified I won't have my greencard by then. My husband leaves in four days and the idea of being apart for the next few months is heartbreaking. I know I'm not the first to experience this on here, but knowing that it happens to other people doesn't always dull the pain.

Second, these past few months it's been pretty wonderful seeing my family accept my husband. He's totally integrated and it's quite literally one big happy family over here. On the other hand, however, I'm pretty sure that my husband's mother and step-father hate me. Even from before the time my husband and I met in person, his parents would relay to me through him certain demands that, if not met, would lower me in their eyes. Me being the stubborn person I am refused any demands that made me uncomfortable or gave them the power in our relationship - that power should be reserved for just my husband and I.

Our marriage was anger-inducing in itself, but after the wedding we spent almost a week bartering with his mother for how much time we could spend together. Her idea was that my husband should live with her for his last few months before university to run her house, do her chores, and look after her newborn son and other children with one, possibly two week-long visits to "hang out" with me. Obviously that was unacceptable for us, and after much debate settled on him staying here for the whole six months minus two two-week visits home to help his parents with taxes and stuff.

After we got into the visa paperwork, though, we realized how far behind we were and that we really needed to work together if we were going to be able to finish that plus have time to do my taxes early for his financial aid forms (I was in school full-time and also working three part-time jobs, and just couldn't do it all alone). We decided he would go for just two weeks, but that was considered a breach of contract and as a result we were both called liars and, according to one of the hateful emails his step-father has sent me, I specifically was a terrible, manipulative woman trying to permanently separate my husband from his family. One of his warnings was that "beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes down to the bone".

Anyhow, I've been mostly ignored since then, but about a month ago I made a post on my blog (which is anonymous) about the circumstances leading up to my husband's and my marriage. Apparently, though, his step-father watches us both online and saw the post (maybe he's even found me on here, who knows). He took it as slander despite the fact that it was anonymous, and warned me that they already knew how bad of a person I was, but if I didn't take down the post it would start a war. That was a problem for me, because I had spent a lot of my rare spare time creating the blog for the very reason that it was a place I could express myself and all the things that hurt me but was now told I should censor it. I decided not to take it down and was backed by my husband, so I left it.

Where we are now... well, I'm not sure. I'm still mostly ignored aside from the semi-recent hateful emails from his step-father. We've been told his entire step-family is boycotting our wedding, which really hurt my husband's feelings, and from what other family members have told us I can't help but believe I'm being portrayed as some awful person who I know I'm not.

This whole situation really sucks because I remember how much my mother always said she loved her in-law family and I was really hoping for that. I wanted to have a mother-in-law who was a friends, who I wanted to help me get ready on my wedding day. Who I wanted to go out with, call for advice, and share milestones with. A family that accepted me, and who I was comfortable around, and love visiting with our kids.

Unfortunately, at the rate it's going we're probably almost never going to visit them and even when we have kids they'll barely be around his side of the family. Sigh. Why can't his family be more like mine, who are accepting without expecting you to meet their demands? I don't want to be a pushover just to be liked. That has never been me, and I never want it to be. I refuse to suck-up when I've done nothing wrong.

Sorry for the super long rant... it's just so disappointing. I don't know if there is any advice out there that can help me, but any is welcome if you took the time to read all that. I can't be the only one with in-law issues, right?

[NBtoPitt 2]

Wow... coincidentally my husband just told me his mother emailed him to say I must be forcing him to not call or email her, because since she hasn't heard from him in a while and that is the only explanation she can think of. I think this is what bothers me the most - because I encourage my husband to make his own decisions, I'm automatically blamed for influencing them. It doesn't matter that I pester him to keep in touch with them, they wouldn't believe that even if he told them. I just have this stigma of being a controlling wife even though my husband is the one who makes most of our decisions.

Sentenced with no trial. Sigh.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

((((((((((((((((((((((((PixieIUlu,))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

How sad and how horrible for your inlaws that they have to create suspicion and fear and hardship and try to keep you out of their lives. They must be such unhappy people. And it is sad for you because you want to be part of your husband's family too and it doesn't sound like that will be likely. I am not clear - which one of you is the American and which one is the Canadian? Is it the American or the Canadian family that is acting like spoiled brats? Regardless, your husband's mother sounds like a control freak and is unwilling to let her son grow up and be an adult. Unfortunately, you're not going to be able to change them. I hope you and your husband will be able to build a life together without their toxicity having a negative impact on the two of you.

Good luck and try to remember that parents have two main responsibilities - to give their children roots and then to give them wings. Your inlaws sound like they are trying to clip your husband's wings. Hopefully, he will find them with you.

Good luck to you both.

Edited August 10, 2010 by Kathryn41

[NBtoPitt 2]

Thanks Kathryn

I am Canadian and he is American - I think that's why it bothers me so much. I don't want to move and then find myself "at war" when I have no friends or family around. One upside is that my husband's real father is very welcoming. So at least we have his support, and as you said, the other stuff probably won't change but venting to open ears always helps

[Gemmie 142]

Regardless, your husband's mother sounds like a control freak and is unwilling to let her son grow up and be an adult. Unfortunately, you're not going to be able to change them. I hope you and your husband will be able to build a life together without their toxicity having a negative impact on the two of you.

I definitely agree, and you're not alone. I'm struggling to learn this lesson as well, with my family either criticizing my husband or claiming that I no longer care about the ones back home. The way you said it was a 'breech of contract' is exactly how it feels. They want me to fail (telling me that my education was worthless and asking why I haven't applied at McDonalds yet, telling me that there's a sofa available WHEN my marriage ends) because then it will prove them right, and have me come back to the family. Everything I do is interpreted as careless and they even went so far as to call me selfish because 'all I care about is me and my husband'.

And you know what? As harsh as it sounds, that's the way it should be! You and your husband are a family too, you've united your lives in order to be your own unit, along with its separate values, ideals, communication, plans, etc. If you both decide to stay together and not go back for the visit because of WHATEVER reason (let alone when it's a genuine financial reason), that should be the end of that. There is so much negativity around the family, try not to let it spread to you. Like I said, I'm trying to learn this lesson too, because I still get so angry and upset when I'm attacked for wanting a life separate from theirs. I hope you find the strength to ignore everything they throw at you, either directly or indirectly through the emails. When you do, send me some plz.

[Nina~ 431]

After we got into the visa paperwork, though, we realized how far behind we were and that we really needed to work together if we were going to be able to finish that plus have time to do my taxes early for his financial aid forms (I was in school full-time and also working three part-time jobs, and just couldn't do it all alone). We decided he would go for just two weeks, but that was considered a breach of contract and as a result we were both called liars and, according to one of the hateful emails his step-father has sent me, I specifically was a terrible, manipulative woman trying to permanently separate my husband from his family. One of his warnings was that "beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes down to the bone".

Just out of curiosity, what was the "contract"? Is your MIL giving your husband something in return for him helping her out? How old are you guys? IMO, your husband's step father is out of line emailing you and calling you a liar, and he sounds kinda creepy too

Edited August 10, 2010 by Nina~