help, support

[JenT 0]

Hi Dan,

You're taking a very level-headed approach to all of this, if that's any consolation to you. Most people cannot see beyond their own hurt to acknowledge someone else's perspective, so I give you a lot of credit for being able to do that with your family.

There are many things I could say here, but not knowing your background, or much about the cultural issues as hand, I will share a few of my thoughts..

First, most parents want the best for their children. They have a vision for what their children's future is going to be like. At first, the vision is vague and full of 'warm fuzzies' like financial security, happiness, love, good friendships, grandchildren, a close-knit family circle, etc. As children grow and start to choose their own path, the parents' vision generally adapts... your father and step-mother saw you as a Christian, wanted you to remain faithful and share in the family values and ideals, marry a Christian, and continue to be 'one' with the family circle. They saw you achieving your law degree, having a fulfilling life, and giving them grandbabies to love and help raise in the same traditions as those that were applied when you were young.

And now, you have introduced a stranger, whom they've never met, and announced your intention to make her part of the family. They don't know her, her background, or her family, despite what you've been trying to share with them. You are deviating from their vision and they are broken-hearted as a result.

Rather than realize that you are an adult capable of such decisions and trying to adapt, they are lashing out and threatening to revoke everything that made you feel secure. This is your step-mother's chance to retaliate for whatever came between you before, and she's taking it. Right or wrong, it's something you have to deal with.

Take dwar's advice to heart. You are an adult, making adult decisions. Regardless of how you feel about your family's stance, if you feel as convicted as you say you do about your situation, than you must follow your heart. You will find a way... but you will have to do this together. You must be sure that your fiancée is going to support you in all of this... What does HER family think of the situation? Will you have any support from them?

One other thing I'm going to add, before you get bored reading this... IF you find out down the road that this is NOT the right path... that she is NOT the one... PLEASE don't pursue it just to spite your parents for the hurt they have caused. You sound too mature to do this, but sometimes people get caught up in the momentum of their own actions and don't take the time to step back and evaluate what is really happening.

YOU are the one who must be at peace with this situation. You may be severing ties with your family for the rest of your life. Make sure you know in your heart that she is truly worth it.

Jen

That reply is why you are chairperson of the good wishes committee & why you are so damn special!

Aww... you're such a sweetie. **hugs**

[Robor007 0]

Daniel... Sorry to hear your story. It's very sad that your parents are unable to accept the life and choice you and your fiancee have made together. At 22 you are old enough to make your own decisions and it's good that you've got the support of your good friends. Wish you and your fiancee the best!

[Bobkatz 0]

I can also confirm a PO box is fine, thats what we used

[Vipul and Jamie 0]

Hi there,

To the OP, I was just reading your concerns and, although I see you original question was answered, I wanted to reply to some of your other comments.

Vipul and I know how it feels not to have support from family, and it's not easy. Our relationship, fundamentally, went against the cultural and religious norms on both sides, and the opposition for a long period of time was overwhelming. I also felt like there was little hope of salvaging the relationships I did have with them. My message to you, though, is, that if you love each other and truly feel this is the right person for you, you have to stand on your own two feet for awhile. Please don't take offense to that comment - being from an otherwise sheltered life myself I know how hard that is. I was only 20 when Vipul and I filed the I-129, and the relationship was still not good with my family. I lived apart from them though and hardly any financial ties were remaining with them. I started a brand new job that paid well, and Vipul and I made it through. You just have to have some faith in yourself, a little bit of courage, and alot of patience.

Another thing, I know you said your relationship with certain family members hasn't been good even before this. Don't look at how they feel about your relationship now with your fiance and think it will last forever. I know each situation is different, but after they are able to see you two together they may just change their mind a little. We found one of the main causes for the opposition in our families was basically just fear and concern for their child. Vipul and I have a very loving relationship with both sides now and it just continues to improve.

I wish you and your fiance the very best in your future ahead.

-Jamie

[Handy Andy and a Sandwich 0]

Hear, hear to Jen! And honestly dwar, it was/is the same with my parental units. But they took the stance of if you're not going to go to college get out on your 18th birthday. That hard line has done me nothing but good over the years.

So, Dan, pack up and move out. Being an adult isn't easy and it isn't fun-BUT if you can live through this, a lot of other things in life are going to be a cakewalk. Chin up!

[dwar49 0]

Hear, hear to Jen! And honestly dwar, it was/is the same with my parental units. But they took the stance of if you're not going to go to college get out on your 18th birthday. That hard line has done me nothing but good over the years.

So, Dan, pack up and move out. Being an adult isn't easy and it isn't fun-BUT if you can live through this, a lot of other things in life are going to be a cakewalk. Chin up!

Funny my middle son now says the same thing, however at the time, I was the meanest and hard hearted person he had ever met.

His response to people saying how hard I was on him.

Funny how the older I get the smarter my father gets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Piratess&Swede 0]

I know the ####### you're going through, even if your situation is a lot worse. My fiancee's family didn't think much of me the first time I came to visit, and my fiancee had to put up with a LOT of ####### and scrutiny simply because I was not entirely like them (not even that much different, mind you!). In fact, most of them only saw an outsider, someone who would disappear from their lives at the end of the week and that would be that. They are so scared of what they don't understand and they want it to go away.

But, of course, we know better, don't we? That's right!

There's only one thing you can do, tough it out. I know that sounds harsh, but that's all there's to it. Nothing you SAY will ever change their minds, but what you DO just might. Don't expect anything to happen immediately, but don't give up, and don't let them destroy what you have. Because like you said, no matter what they think, it will not change what you and your girl have together.

I've one question, though. Maybe I missed you saying something about it already, but I don't quite understand how your step-mom would be able to wrestle that money away from you? You're not a minor, it's your money. Or do you only have part of it?

Best of luck, man

[danielm2 0]

Hi Dan,

You're taking a very level-headed approach to all of this, if that's any consolation to you. Most people cannot see beyond their own hurt to acknowledge someone else's perspective, so I give you a lot of credit for being able to do that with your family.

There are many things I could say here, but not knowing your background, or much about the cultural issues as hand, I will share a few of my thoughts..

First, most parents want the best for their children. They have a vision for what their children's future is going to be like. At first, the vision is vague and full of 'warm fuzzies' like financial security, happiness, love, good friendships, grandchildren, a close-knit family circle, etc. As children grow and start to choose their own path, the parents' vision generally adapts... your father and step-mother saw you as a Christian, wanted you to remain faithful and share in the family values and ideals, marry a Christian, and continue to be 'one' with the family circle. They saw you achieving your law degree, having a fulfilling life, and giving them grandbabies to love and help raise in the same traditions as those that were applied when you were young.

And now, you have introduced a stranger, whom they've never met, and announced your intention to make her part of the family. They don't know her, her background, or her family, despite what you've been trying to share with them. You are deviating from their vision and they are broken-hearted as a result.

Rather than realize that you are an adult capable of such decisions and trying to adapt, they are lashing out and threatening to revoke everything that made you feel secure. This is your step-mother's chance to retaliate for whatever came between you before, and she's taking it. Right or wrong, it's something you have to deal with.

Take dwar's advice to heart. You are an adult, making adult decisions. Regardless of how you feel about your family's stance, if you feel as convicted as you say you do about your situation, than you must follow your heart. You will find a way... but you will have to do this together. You must be sure that your fiancée is going to support you in all of this... What does HER family think of the situation? Will you have any support from them?

One other thing I'm going to add, before you get bored reading this... IF you find out down the road that this is NOT the right path... that she is NOT the one... PLEASE don't pursue it just to spite your parents for the hurt they have caused. You sound too mature to do this, but sometimes people get caught up in the momentum of their own actions and don't take the time to step back and evaluate what is really happening.

YOU are the one who must be at peace with this situation. You may be severing ties with your family for the rest of your life. Make sure you know in your heart that she is truly worth it.

Jen

Thanks for the help, suggestions, and support everyone!! I really really appreciate it. This is the first time in a few days I've had a chance to respond.

Well, things have cooled down alittle, but it isn't the same, and I don't think it will be the same as I had mentioned. When I saw my parents for the first time I was extremely friendly, overtly friendly in order to try and make no tension appear.

I lived at home for a couple days, and nothing of note took place. And in the meantime, I made plans to move out. I was talking with one of my best friends for alittle while, and he gave me the keys to his apartment, said he'd be away for alittle while (going on a camping trip with our other friends and then seeing parents), and when he gets back we can work something out. Sooo, as of today I'm won't be living at home.

Obviously this had to be done. Although I think it is very unfortunate because then I won't be around my siblings and parents on a day to day basis. Yes, the situation was bad, but that really would have been the last time in my life it'd be possible. In the future there is no way we'd be living with them, and the chances are slim we'll even be living within 100 miles of them. Buttttt, this is the only way to work things out. In the ideal situation I could still live at home, but this isn't it.

So, everything has worked out on that end. Plus, I've organized everything so now I just need my independent study to get approved, and then I'll be able to graduate in December!! Things are working out just fine!! Unfortunately, as far as my parents are concerned, they still do not agree with anything I'm doing and think what I'm doing is horrible. But now that I am out of the house and "their territory," hopefully the playing field will be alittle more even and the communication more clear.

As far as the money situation goes. I think next week it will be transferred over to me. Piratess&Swede , yeah, I'm not a minor, and the money is in my name (but with him as the custodian), but it is alittle tricky cause it's not in my possession. I didn't even know about the money until I was like 17 or something. My dad has always been in control of it and takes out checks when it comes time. He's a banker and is no trouble for him, so there was never any issues. But with the current situation, I'm not sure what my step-mom is capable of, and along with that, how the money could possibly become the central issue in this situation. I'm not a person who is concerned about making this much money and then buying that car, but I need it to pay for school and it's a part of the following 1-2 year plans of ours, so if there were to be issues with that, ahhhhhhhhhhh. but hopefully come next week everything will be okay.

Jen and Jamie, thank you for your advice and support. I definitely took it to heart and it helped me consciously and subconsciously. In that type of situtuation and when having those thoughts, the smallest bit of support seems like the world. Thank you.................

Okay, I think things have settled down now for me now, so I'll be back to posting regularly. Thanks for the help, and hope everyone's journeys continue well!!!

[Jersey Girl 2]

Daniel, all this may be a blessing in disguise. Your parents are actually forcing you to become independent sooner rather than later. You're a young man who's engaged, so it's time to leave the nest anyway.

It might interesting to imagine your life without the inheritance. That way, if there's any vindictivness, you'll be ready with Plan B.

Let's face it, your life is not working out the way you originally planned, and you'll need to be flexible, resourceful, and focused on the visa. All the rest will come in due time!

You're in our thoughts and prayers.

[JenT 0]

It always helps one's frame of mind to have a plan. Stick to it and stand respectfully firm if this is your choice. Best wishes,

Jen