help, support

[danielm2 0]

hello,

as you can see from the time line below, xue jing and i have our plans. i am 22, got back from china june 20, and am living at home currently.

unfortunately, my dad and step-mom aren't happy about our situation. this evening i had a talk with them and it did not go well at all. they don't understand me, they don't have any idea what my beliefs are or where i stand, or what kind of a person i am. they have absolutely no idea what type of relationship the 2 of us have. they are mr. and mrs. suburbia who "know" everything and "know" how it should be done. and apparently i've now become an "aetheist #######." they are christian, and they are all tied up on this issue. they don't understand me, xue jing, or anything. i don't know what to do..........

i can't communicate anything to them. i am just so so so lost right now. basically my family life has just gone to shambles, and xue jing is still so far away. they expect me to choose?

i just don't understand them at all?? yes, parents are suppose to give their children advice and share their opinions with them. but why does it have to be like this?? i guess this is what happens when religion is involved. i guess this is why there's so many problems in the world today. i just don't get it. i have no idea what to do.

but this will not change what xue jing and i do. we will continue to make final preperations for our K1 petition and continue on. But now, I don't think I'll be living at my parents home. And if I am, I definitely do not want visa materials being delivered there (in case of sabatoge). How do I do this?? I think I will go try and live with a friend or friend's family until things get smoothed out. And even if things get more smooth, I don't want my parents house to be my mailing address. How do I do this?? Just put my current address as my friends family's address?? Even if I'm not necessarily living there, that would be the most stable address I have, so should I put that as my current address?

i'm probably not making any sense right now. i'm just lost and can't believe this situation. i'm a 22 year old guy. when my mom committed suicide it was a terrible situation, but i was able to "deal with it," and didn't even shed many tears. but this, before tonight i couldn't really sleep, eat, live life. now, i just feel like everything is caving in, and i'm on the verge of tears and a breakdown. i just hope things can work out, but who knows.......

i have that question, and i guess i'm just looking for some advice. i left my family's home and now have ended up at my school's computer center. it's 2:15am. anything anyone would have to offer would be extremely helpful, whether they have experienced this situation or not.....

dan

[aussiewench 9]

awwwww darlin' *hugs* .....you poor ####### That has gotta hurt. This will all work out somehow with your family.......just give it some time.

As for the address, you can use your friends address on the forms. The first box is for mailing address that the service center will enter into their system for all correspondence to be sent.

All the best to you. Try and get some sleep somehow

[RosaMystica7 0]

This doesn't have to be what happens when religion is involved. My fiance and I are Catholic and we've gotten our fair share of opposition... but we've also gotten some wonderful support. People have their faults... and situations like ours just might be able to bring light to their eyes a little more, if they're willing to learn. You never know, maybe they'll come around. Maybe the point will come where they'll realize how happy and serious you are and that you're gonna get married with or without them there... and even with or without them in their grandchildren's lives! Like wenchie said, give it some time.

I agree with you though, don't let them stop your plans, go and file for the K1. Don't let them stop you from that.

Does anyone know if PO Boxes are acceptable mailing addresses for this visa stuff? If so, you could just get a PO Box.

[dwar49 0]

Yes PO boxes are okay. I used a PO box for my mailing address because i was in process of changing my physcial address and didnt want to change it in mid process.

No problem at all with it.

[john_and_marlene 162]

Do you not have the financial capability to have your own domicile? I looked at your proposed timeline. What will you do when you have to show the financial capability to support your fiancee? You currently live with your parents and are planning on living in China for months preceding the consulate interview. You will have to show income/asset at that time that shows she will not likely become a public charge. It appears that you won't be able to count on your parents as cosponsors in terms of financial support. If the K1 is approved, you will then have to show income/assets amounting to 125% of the poverty guidelines when you apply for Adjustment of Status.

[Handy Andy and a Sandwich 0]

What a terrible situation! First thing, breathe. I realize that this seems overwhelming, but just take a step back.

You've obviously got strong analytical skills, now is the time to apply them. (And you can use this when you get a job as well.) Sit down and make out a list of the pros and cons of every possible iteration and outcome. Then go get a PO Box. Once you've done that you're in control of the situation again. Now is where the fun part is-

Go through and flowchart and make a tree diagram of what the potential outcomes of the conversation with your father are. Then figure out what needs to be said and how you need to present the facts to get him to see your point of view. You've known the guy his entire life, you can probably guess how he's going to react to certain statements.

The key to all of this is: keep your emotions out of it. Everything above is cold, hard pure logic. No emotions. This is not manipulation, its a technique to effectively roleplay conversations and interactions so you're in control of yourself and things don't spiral out of control.

Now for you. You're probably in college? If so, there will be a counseling center on campus somewhere. Go. Find someone who won't judge you and that you can talk to. Even if you're unwilling to do that, go talk to a priest. Someone, anyone who is not personally involved in this issue.

Good luck!

[danielm2 0]

Hello everybody,

Thank you for the help, advice, and support. This is just so hard. I didn't explain it so well, but the relationship with my step-mother is basically ruined. When we first met about 5 or 6 years ago, due to circumstances things just didn't get off on the right foot. In my mind that was buried and in the past, but apparently not in hers. She has some of the most hateful things to say, and yes, good or bad, that is her perogative as a parent. But also good or bad, those words have consesquences and reprecussions. I don't think there is anything left of our relationship, and if there is, where will it go if I am not welcomed when I continue with Xue Jing.

And my father, I respect his opinions and everything he has to say, and I appreciate everything he has given me in life. I can't complain at all. But it seems like their requirements are I should be eternally grateful (which I am, this is absolutely true), but also then live the way they see fit because of what they've given me. That I guess is not their "real view," since they even said that this is my life. But then why is it turning into a their way/thoughts or nothing?? Especially when it comes to religion, our communication is not the best, and then they aren't able to understand at all where I'm coming from or what I have to say. And the worst part is, I of course still believe, but just have different views, opinions, etc. And Xue Jing believes and has her beliefs, but they aren't in the same vain as theirs, so this is creating a huge problem for them, one in which no understanding can be let in.

I'm not asking them to agree with me. But why does it have to be so hateful?? They are basically making me choose between them and Xue Jing. I'm still not explaining this clearly, I just don't know what to think. I can't loose my cool or rationality, but there's so much to deal with already, and now this? Having the relationship with my dad and stepmom in such turmoil, and then how that affects my 4 sisters and brother. I'm not being over-dramatic at all when I say things will never be the same again, and I am just completely lost on what to do. I could see if I was doing "something wrong," but I think I'm doing just fine. If they want me to introduce them to some people who are going down the "wrong path," I'd have my pick of many. We are just coming from 2 totally different perspectives, and there seems to be no meeting of the two.

Aussiewench, thank you for the support. I really appreciate it. I don't think we've ever communicated on here before, but at a time like this, receiving kind words from you holds great meaning.

aselano, yeah, i hope it will all work out, but it really is at the point of no return. I am not being over dramatic at all. they are not willing to learn or even try to understand at all. and i understand this! i know what type of personalities and beliefs they have. so i understand how this is a big deal for them, any girl i would have ended up would have been a big deal. but why is there no understanding at all, especially when they can see that these are my real plans, feelings, and future. they shouldn't blindly approve of everything i do, but is this the best way to handle it? with such, in my mind, hate? i think it is not all about mine and xue jing's situation, other underlying issues are playing a driving role.

dwar49, so would I put my P.O. Box in as the address for the I-129F, Part A, Question 2?? And then would I put my current living address in the G-325A address section?? In your opinion, any other attachments or explanation that would need to be given?? And I'm sorry, I don't know, would I just go to the post office to get a P.O. Box, and how much would that go for? Thank you...........

john_and_marlene, yes, I am well aware of the requirements of the K1 process. In Guangzhou, they require the I-134. And even thinking beyond that, the I-865 once it comes time for the Adjustment of Status procedure. These are all things I am constently thinking about. My money situation is this, my grandparents left me, my brother, my sister, and our 2 cousins some money for college. This is an opportunity that hardly anyone has, and I am forever grateful for it. i have only used this for college, helped when i moved out on my own, and then going to china to study. When I graduate, I will have around $10,000 left. My step-mom has always thought this money was bad for us. She had it much harder growing up, and I totally understand this. Now, with the situaiton the way it is, who knows if the money will be taken away from me. The whole religion aspect comes back into play. It was my "Christian grandparents" who worked hard for this money, so this does not mesh with my current situation. I just don't understand at all; they don't understand at all where my beliefs lie, and is this a requirement? So my step-mom says that she will do all she can to get this money taken away from me. Sooo, maybe finishing college won't be in my immediate plans anymore, who knows. I don't even care about the money, it's just everything else. I have all the confidence in the world that in the future I will be able to find a good job, and Xue Jing also has an international law background, everything will work out in the future. but right now, i don't know how the next month or year will go. and the implications this has for our K1 process has me very concerned.......

Handy Andy and a Sandwich, ahh, thanks for the advice. I definitely took to heart everything you had to say, but that just isn't the reality of the situation. It has gone from sharing what could possibly be the happiest news (other than kids) i ever have to this, to my dad saying that it was a mistake i stayed in china and came upon this situation. it is all about emotions and religious beliefs for them, it really is. and those are the things that can't be changed or understood easily, especially when the convictions are so strong. other thoughts, opinions, and concerns can be talked about, but we are not at a point of discussion, it has gone way past that. so that is why i'm at a loss for what to do. i have been up for hours upon hours now, and haven't eaten anything in over 24 hours. i think what you suggested is a good idea, i have been at my college and i will see if there is somebody i could talk to.

okay, thanks for all the help. i'm just really at a loss. i feel there will be no understanding going on: they won't change, and i have no intention of changing mine and Xue Jing's plans (because i love her and this is OUR future, this hasn't been questioned in my mind for 1 second), so where does that leave us? I don't know. And factoring in the irrepairable damage that has already been done within my home and what will most certainly quickly spread to many of my relatives, I just don't know................ I don't know how it got to be this way............

[ramos96 1]

good luck bro,

If you need someone to chat with you can always message me on MSN messenger

ramos96@yahoo.com

Humbly,

Ramos

[dwar49 0]

Yes you can use the PO box as your mailing address and list your physical address differently.

[danielm2 0]

Yes you can use the PO box as your mailing address and list your physical address differently.

thanks ramos, i appreciate it

and dwar49, so do you mean for the I-129F Part A Question 2 just put the P.O. Box for my address? And then my physical address for my G-325A? Or should I add an attachment for both forms explaining the address situation?.........

thank you

[dwar49 0]

You dont need to explain anything.

Block 2

Put your mailing address (po box)

Block 14

put your physical address (it says address is where fiancee intends to live, dont worry about that as you can change it on the forms you will fill out when your fiancee receives packet 3 just prior to interview)

The G-325A asks for your residence, not your mailing address again use your physical address for last 5 years.

You could have (most people do) more than one address in that block on the G-325A

danielm2

I have a comment to make about your issues with your family. Probably going to catch hell for this, but here goes anyway.

Okay I know that there are cultural issues at play here, but there is one solution to this whole problem.

You are 22 years old right? Then the way I look at it, you have two choices.

1. Live with them, under their thumb and do what they tell you to and give up on your fiancee or

2. Move out, get a job, build your own life!!!

I know this seems harsh, but I have raised 5 children and my rule was the same for all of them. If you live under my roof, accept my food and depend on me for your financial care, then you live by my rules, period. If you want to live by your rules, and do what you want, then you are free to move out anytime you please and live your own life without my interference. There was never any middle ground there.

Okay I know, I am what most would consider a hard ###, however my feeling is if you are an adult and cant support yourself and mommie and daddie have to do it for you, then you have to live by their rules.

Edited August 8, 2006 by dwar49

[Nikita2Charles 32]

Good luck with your current situation, We'll pray for you. At times things get tough you have to get guidance from God, and let to rest to him. With that said on a human level, i saw from your timeline you'll be graduating this coming december so Congratulations to you for all the hard work, you are almost there.

At 22 you are still young gentleman and with a college degree you have a full bright future ahead of you, This may sounds harsh but the 1st step is to break the embilical cord from your parents, If they can't understand the way you feel about your fiance, and they are not being supportive A part time Job, something to get you going until December, once you graduate you can get a Full time Job and become more Independent as such, you'll be able to Support yourself and your fiance when she gets here, you won't have to ask your parents for affidat of support.

All i can say for now stick to your guns, and they will soo come to realize how much she means for you.

God Bless!

[danielm2 0]

You dont need to explain anything.

Block 2

Put your mailing address (po box)

Block 14

put your physical address (it says address is where fiancee intends to live, dont worry about that as you can change it on the forms you will fill out when your fiancee receives packet 3 just prior to interview)

The G-325A asks for your residence, not your mailing address again use your physical address for last 5 years.

You could have (most people do) more than one address in that block on the G-325A

danielm2

I have a comment to make about your issues with your family. Probably going to catch hell for this, but here goes anyway.

Okay I know that there are cultural issues at play here, but there is one solution to this whole problem.

You are 22 years old right? Then the way I look at it, you have two choices.

1. Live with them, under their thumb and do what they tell you to and give up on your fiancee or

2. Move out, get a job, build your own life!!!

I know this seems harsh, but I have raised 5 children and my rule was the same for all of them. If you live under my roof, accept my food and depend on me for your financial care, then you live by my rules, period. If you want to live by your rules, and do what you want, then you are free to move out anytime you please and live your own life without my interference. There was never any middle ground there.

Okay I know, I am what most would consider a hard ###, however my feeling is if you are an adult and cant support yourself and mommie and daddie have to do it for you, then you have to live by their rules.

sorry, i messed posting my reply up somehow......i wrote this:

"hello dwar49,

you're not catching any hell from me. i know and understand what you mean. i think what you said is very appropriate.

that is what has to be done, it was probably a mistake to even try and come back and live at my parents house in the first place. the circumstances of the past few days have created issues that will never go away. from here, i don't know...................."

Good luck with your current situation, We'll pray for you. At times things get tough you have to get guidance from God, and let to rest to him. With that said on a human level, i saw from your timeline you'll be graduating this coming december so Congratulations to you for all the hard work, you are almost there.

At 22 you are still young gentleman and with a college degree you have a full bright future ahead of you, This may sounds harsh but the 1st step is to break the embilical cord from your parents, If they can't understand the way you feel about your fiance, and they are not being supportive A part time Job, something to get you going until December, once you graduate you can get a Full time Job and become more Independent as such, you'll be able to Support yourself and your fiance when she gets here, you won't have to ask your parents for affidat of support.

All i can say for now stick to your guns, and they will soo come to realize how much she means for you.

God Bless!

Thank you so very much Nikita2Charles I know it is cliched, but I appreciate it more than you know. I think everything happens for a reason, and that includes even the current situation. God will help everyone through this, and I know I will be given the guidance to find a way. God never gives anyone anymore than they can handle, whether they know it or not.

I think right now I need to find a way to get some rest and eat something.

Have a great day!

[JenT 0]

Hi Dan,

You're taking a very level-headed approach to all of this, if that's any consolation to you. Most people cannot see beyond their own hurt to acknowledge someone else's perspective, so I give you a lot of credit for being able to do that with your family.

There are many things I could say here, but not knowing your background, or much about the cultural issues as hand, I will share a few of my thoughts..

First, most parents want the best for their children. They have a vision for what their children's future is going to be like. At first, the vision is vague and full of 'warm fuzzies' like financial security, happiness, love, good friendships, grandchildren, a close-knit family circle, etc. As children grow and start to choose their own path, the parents' vision generally adapts... your father and step-mother saw you as a Christian, wanted you to remain faithful and share in the family values and ideals, marry a Christian, and continue to be 'one' with the family circle. They saw you achieving your law degree, having a fulfilling life, and giving them grandbabies to love and help raise in the same traditions as those that were applied when you were young.

And now, you have introduced a stranger, whom they've never met, and announced your intention to make her part of the family. They don't know her, her background, or her family, despite what you've been trying to share with them. You are deviating from their vision and they are broken-hearted as a result.

Rather than realize that you are an adult capable of such decisions and trying to adapt, they are lashing out and threatening to revoke everything that made you feel secure. This is your step-mother's chance to retaliate for whatever came between you before, and she's taking it. Right or wrong, it's something you have to deal with.

Take dwar's advice to heart. You are an adult, making adult decisions. Regardless of how you feel about your family's stance, if you feel as convicted as you say you do about your situation, than you must follow your heart. You will find a way... but you will have to do this together. You must be sure that your fiancée is going to support you in all of this... What does HER family think of the situation? Will you have any support from them?

One other thing I'm going to add, before you get bored reading this... IF you find out down the road that this is NOT the right path... that she is NOT the one... PLEASE don't pursue it just to spite your parents for the hurt they have caused. You sound too mature to do this, but sometimes people get caught up in the momentum of their own actions and don't take the time to step back and evaluate what is really happening.

YOU are the one who must be at peace with this situation. You may be severing ties with your family for the rest of your life. Make sure you know in your heart that she is truly worth it.

Jen

[no name 1]

Hi Dan,

You're taking a very level-headed approach to all of this, if that's any consolation to you. Most people cannot see beyond their own hurt to acknowledge someone else's perspective, so I give you a lot of credit for being able to do that with your family.

There are many things I could say here, but not knowing your background, or much about the cultural issues as hand, I will share a few of my thoughts..

First, most parents want the best for their children. They have a vision for what their children's future is going to be like. At first, the vision is vague and full of 'warm fuzzies' like financial security, happiness, love, good friendships, grandchildren, a close-knit family circle, etc. As children grow and start to choose their own path, the parents' vision generally adapts... your father and step-mother saw you as a Christian, wanted you to remain faithful and share in the family values and ideals, marry a Christian, and continue to be 'one' with the family circle. They saw you achieving your law degree, having a fulfilling life, and giving them grandbabies to love and help raise in the same traditions as those that were applied when you were young.

And now, you have introduced a stranger, whom they've never met, and announced your intention to make her part of the family. They don't know her, her background, or her family, despite what you've been trying to share with them. You are deviating from their vision and they are broken-hearted as a result.

Rather than realize that you are an adult capable of such decisions and trying to adapt, they are lashing out and threatening to revoke everything that made you feel secure. This is your step-mother's chance to retaliate for whatever came between you before, and she's taking it. Right or wrong, it's something you have to deal with.

Take dwar's advice to heart. You are an adult, making adult decisions. Regardless of how you feel about your family's stance, if you feel as convicted as you say you do about your situation, than you must follow your heart. You will find a way... but you will have to do this together. You must be sure that your fiancée is going to support you in all of this... What does HER family think of the situation? Will you have any support from them?

One other thing I'm going to add, before you get bored reading this... IF you find out down the road that this is NOT the right path... that she is NOT the one... PLEASE don't pursue it just to spite your parents for the hurt they have caused. You sound too mature to do this, but sometimes people get caught up in the momentum of their own actions and don't take the time to step back and evaluate what is really happening.

YOU are the one who must be at peace with this situation. You may be severing ties with your family for the rest of your life. Make sure you know in your heart that she is truly worth it.

Jen

That reply is why you are chairperson of the good wishes committee & why you are so damn special!