Ummm, maybe another stupid question!

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Please, everyone! I understand not everyone can understand what is going on in my relationship but I don't know what's going on in yours. I didn't mean to put my life under a microscope for everyone to look at but it looks like I accidentally did. Julian is just very forthright and I respect that in him; as I think I said before not everyone is comfortable with that but I am. And he is NOT manipulating me. I took down the post because I was embarrassed about what I wrote. Many thanks to the people who commented -- I read the comments and really did think about them and whether staying in this relationship is right for me. I love my fiance too much to lose him again for something as silly as this. I only wish I had picked up his calls yesterday so I could have fixed things then, and maybe all this, all these posts and everything never would have happened.

Melissa, sweetie. I am here if you want to talk. You do not sound like the woman I was talking to last night, the one who at the very least was going to put her foot down and say that you were worth more than this and demand to be treated as an adult.

[JulianMelissa 52]

However, I do ask that you have some common decency to turn the other cheek when some of the people here are attacking you on a personal level, and save the comments about your incorrect perceptions of Americans in general for another venue.

You're joking, right? My fiancee has been called a door mat, my words have been twisted, insinuations about my relationship have been pulled from thin air, and I'm just supposed to turn the other cheek? Now don't get me wrong, I'm a good CoE boy, but this is beyond the pale. Why don't you ask the same of Johnny boy here? Or does he have home pitch advantage and so not bound to the same rules of discourse?

Anyway, now that Melissa has set the story straight I think more than a few of you owe her an apology. I realize an apology to me is a bit much to ask for from this crowd, but you owe it to her at least.

[MelissaJulian 30]

Melissa, sweetie. I am here if you want to talk. You do not sound like the woman I was talking to last night, the one who at the very least was going to put her foot down and say that you were worth more than this and demand to be treated as an adult.

Thanks Maven. I missed your call earlier, sorry, I was in a meeting. I'll call later, promise!

[Fandango 1,439]

Please, everyone! I understand not everyone can understand what is going on in my relationship but I don't know what's going on in yours. I didn't mean to put my life under a microscope for everyone to look at but it looks like I accidentally did. Julian is just very forthright and I respect that in him; as I think I said before not everyone is comfortable with that but I am. And he is NOT manipulating me. I took down the post because I was embarrassed about what I wrote. Many thanks to the people who commented -- I read the comments and really did think about them and whether staying in this relationship is right for me. I love my fiance too much to lose him again for something as silly as this. I only wish I had picked up his calls yesterday so I could have fixed things then, and maybe all this, all these posts and everything never would have happened.

When you make a blog and put your deepest and darkest on there, people will sympathize, analyze, and pass judgment. That's not a bad thing...we all make judgments a million times a day, ranging from 'I don't like cottage cheese' to more heavy ones. By the very nature, your blog is inviting that speculation; you are allowing your own personal life to be a car wreck on the shoulder of the freeway that everyone passes by, shakes his/her head, and makes comment. I'd suggest you either decide what's more important; having readers and people who can empathize with you, or protecting the sanctity of your privacy in your relationship. You don't know what's going on in my relationship simply because I don't allow you in....so if you want the same, do the same.

Otherwise, don't be surprised if ppl feel your blog is a psychiatrist's wet dream.

In my past relationship, I felt the need to write in a 'blog' of sorts. I used a word document instead. Password encrypted, as well.

The thing is this, Melissa...I can empathize how incredibly frustrating and difficult it must be for you. When I was in the end stages of a past relationship, I felt completely alone, and really felt the need to unload on someone. But I didn't. You know why? Because talking to my friends or family about my partner would have been the worst thing possible....why? Because if we decided to work things out, they'd always remember what I said. They would always judge him. And on that off chance that we made it work, I had to think of protecting him, and protecting my own sanity from those same people throwing my own words in my face. We all have our own dealbreakers; what you think may be 'letting off steam' may make one of your confidants sick at the very sight of your fiance. So unfortunately, what I'm advising is for you to draw a line in the sand. You can't do the 'poor me this is what's going on' thing and then berate people afterward for having an opinion on it. And as much as it pains me to say so, you can't be all lovey lovey with your fiance one minute, then throw him under the bus and betray his confidence the next. Many people here thought he was a prat before we read the blog, but now think even less of him now. And you only have yourself to blame for that.

Basically, resolve the situation yourself, or remove yourself from it. But don't treat your support system as a yo-yo.

Good luck.

Edited May 26, 2010 by Happy Bunny

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

You propose to psychoanalyze my fiancee, and I'm the one with the superiority complex? That's rich.

Julian, an intervention is not psychoanalysis.

It is where people step in to tell the truth, as they see it, about a situation. They usually have a relationship with the person on whom the intervention is called.

None of us here have a personal relationship with Melissa. Once of us, however, has met her. I am told she is a lovely girl, beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. I trust that judgment.

I also trust my instincts when it comes to what people write on the internet. My instincts are quite good, by the way. I met my wife initially through her words.

Other people here may mince words with you in the name of etiquette. I'm not going to. I don't like the way you conduct yourself on this board and I don't like the way you speak to and about Melissa around here. Is she were my daughter (and chronologically she could be) I would not let your accent, your 'evidence', your excuses, or your privileged backside within a ten-mile radius of her. She wouldn't be driving the car you purchased and she wouldn't be cow-towing and muling to you.

You can take that to your bank, son.

[Jewel-8 21]

In my past relationship, I felt the need to write in a 'blog' of sorts. I used a word document instead. Password encrypted, as well.

I like that idea! For a lot of us it's hard not to vent about the relationship.

In my experience, my family would all take my husband's side over any little argument, so I can't ever complain about him there. But if I ever was physically hurt by him then all hell would break loose. I hope it's like that for everyone posting on this thread... just saying.

[Fandango 1,439]

I like that idea! For a lot of us it's hard not to vent about the relationship.

In my experience, my family would all take my husband's side over any little argument, so I can't ever complain about him there. But if I ever was physically hurt by him then all hell would break loose. I hope it's like that for everyone posting on this thread... just saying.

It helped me immensely because I was able to vent, but no one would see it but me. And from time to time, I'd go back and read, and I'd be able to assess how many good days there were to bad, and see an actual graph of sorts of how up and down things were. Objectively speaking, it was a great tool! And when the relationship ended, and there were times where I would feel weak and be melancholy for the 'good ole times', I'd bring it up and read that they really weren't as good as I remembered them to be.

Excellent tool indeed, and I'd highly recommend it to anyone.

Oh and yeah, there was NEVER any physical hurt. Only emotional mindfuques and neglect, heh.

Edited May 26, 2010 by Happy Bunny

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

I like that idea! For a lot of us it's hard not to vent about the relationship.

In my experience, my family would all take my husband's side over any little argument, so I can't ever complain about him there. But if I ever was physically hurt by him then all hell would break loose. I hope it's like that for everyone posting on this thread... just saying.

It is hard not to vent sometimes. In my own relationship, I have another forum I'm a member of where I have discussed issues like this with friends. It is a safe place that has been of a lot of help to me when things have been difficult, and I'm pretty sure it saved my sanity last year when I thought my whole world had ended (which strangely coincided with my 6 month sabbatical from VJ). My family was of little use when I needed them because their judgment was clouded by their love for me. Suffice to say though, that if my husband had raised a hand to me my dad would have been on a plane to Burbank post-haste, stopping off only to buy ammo.

Edit: clarity.

Edited May 26, 2010 by elmcitymaven

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

It is hard not to vent sometimes. In my own relationship, I have another forum I'm a member of where I have discussed issues like this with friends. It is a safe place that has been of a lot of help to me when things have been difficult, and I'm pretty sure it saved my sanity last year when I thought my whole world had ended (which strangely coincided with my 6 month sabbatical from VJ). My family was of little use when I needed them because their judgment was clouded by their love for me. Suffice to say though, that if my husband had raised a hand to me my dad would have been on a plane to Burbank post-haste, stopping off only to buy ammo.

Edit: clarity.

And I would reckon that your friends from that forum were honest with you, were they not?

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

And I would reckon that your friends from that forum were honest with you, were they not?

Hopelessly honest. But so was I -- I didn't spare any detail of what I was feeling or thinking. Opening up completely allowed me to consider fully the range of opinions I got from my friends. Ultimately, and crucially, I'm an adult with a couple of years on the clock so I was able to be honest about how conflicted I felt. It was never buttercups and daisies I expressed, but raw emotion and I tried not to push too much of the pain under the rug, which is what I see Melissa doing.

Good lord, I just outed myself on VJ!

Edited May 26, 2010 by elmcitymaven

[Fandango 1,439]

Hopelessly honest. But so was I -- I didn't spare any detail of what I was feeling or thinking. Opening up completely allowed me to consider fully the range of opinions I got from my friends. Ultimately, and crucially, I'm an adult with a couple of years on the clock so I was able to be honest about how conflicted I felt. It was never buttercups and daisies I expressed, but raw emotion and I tried not to push too much of the pain under the rug, which is what I see Melissa doing.

Good lord, I just outed myself on VJ!

Good God, Maven, I wanna give you a hug, lol

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Yeah, I been sittin' on this one for a while. We're kind of still together, kind of not. It's f^cked up but it mostly works for us. I finally told him last week that I'm ready to move on (we've been in counselling for 6 months) since he won't pull his bloody finger out and decide what he wants -- he loves me too much to lose me, blah blah blah, but won't recommit. Once I told him I was ready to cut more ties, it's amazing how he's starting to scramble! I think that and the gentle request I made to be set free (ahem) put a fire under his rear.

[Fandango 1,439]

Yeah, I been sittin' on this one for a while. We're kind of still together, kind of not. It's f^cked up but it mostly works for us. I finally told him last week that I'm ready to move on (we've been in counselling for 6 months) since he won't pull his bloody finger out and decide what he wants -- he loves me too much to lose me, blah blah blah, but won't recommit. Once I told him I was ready to cut more ties, it's amazing how he's starting to scramble! I think that and the gentle request I made to be set free (ahem) put a fire under his rear.

Well, if there's anything you need...an extra ear, then let me know. I hope it works out for the best.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

I'm sure all my b!tching about my husband in that "BS Your SO does" thread makes more sense too now!

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Well, if there's anything you need...an extra ear, then let me know. I hope it works out for the best.

Thanks Lisa. It's actually been nearly a year since this all started and the whole story is big and messy (and at times rivalled Julian and Melissa's tale for Teh DRAMA!!!) but if we part we part as friends and with love in our hearts. My husband is ultimately a really good and decent guy who made some bad choices, and I made the decision to be patient and give him space to find himself in the world, just as I did myself. I'm a very different (and happier!) person one year on.

I realise I am totally distracting from the point of this discussion, so thanks again.