help

[brokenhearted 0]

i need some help if anyone out there can. i went through this long journey with my wife, a canadian citizen, we were so happy and in love. we went thorugh some rough times and we overcame them all. now that she has gotten to the USA things have changed. we had a rough first year marriage. i took full responsibility for this because i knew i was the issue. i have since changed in every possible way. now she tells me she wants a divorce because we dont have a "connection" anymore. i need to know that if she divorces me now, can she get sent back to canada? she has had her green card and we are just waiting for the conditions to be lifted. i will be honest, i feel like i was used and that she just wanted out of where she was and now that she feels she has it, she wants to leave. can anyone out there help me with this issue? if i was used i dont want her here and i dont think she deserves to be in the us. i dont know if she is cheating on me but it feels lilke she has and maybe thats why she wants out so bad. please help

[Nagishkaw 510]

Topic moved from Off Topic to Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I strongly suggest you seek some sort of marriage counselling. You readily admit that you were a problem in the first part of your marriage and during her initial time here. Could your behaviour to her have caused her to fall out of love with you - to lose the 'connection'? Absolutely. To worry that she has just used you for a green card sounds like you are maybe not looking at the problems in the marriage itself. You say you have changed, but have you given her enough proof that you have changed? It is easy to say the words, but it is the actions that speak the truth. Change is very hard to accomplish and she is probably not convinced after all of the problems you have been through. Even in your above comments, you first of all are worried that she will have to leave the US, and then say that if she 'used' you, you don't want her in the US, so it sounds like you are still confused about what you really want - a good marriage or 'good riddance'. It sounds to me like the marriage is the real issue here, not the immigration situation and you are mixing in a lot of things together so that you really can't see the situation clearly. A good counsellor will be able to help both of you see the situation more clearly and help decide what you want - and what is realistic to achieve - in the future.

For what it is worth, many Canadians only choose to move to the US to be with their partners. Life in Canada is in so many ways much better than it is in the US, so I think it is probably not realistic to think she just used you for a green card. She probably gave up more than she gained when she moved here, especially if the marriage isn't working.

Edited May 16, 2010 by Kathryn41

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

i need some help if anyone out there can. i went through this long journey with my wife, a canadian citizen, we were so happy and in love. we went thorugh some rough times and we overcame them all. now that she has gotten to the USA things have changed. we had a rough first year marriage. i took full responsibility for this because i knew i was the issue. i have since changed in every possible way. now she tells me she wants a divorce because we dont have a "connection" anymore. i need to know that if she divorces me now, can she get sent back to canada? she has had her green card and we are just waiting for the conditions to be lifted. i will be honest, i feel like i was used and that she just wanted out of where she was and now that she feels she has it, she wants to leave. can anyone out there help me with this issue? if i was used i dont want her here and i dont think she deserves to be in the us. i dont know if she is cheating on me but it feels lilke she has and maybe thats why she wants out so bad. please help

This is a very very common reaction when a relationship with a foreigner falls apart. In fact, it's common reaction whenever there's a possibility that there might have been an ulterior motive for a relationship.

The first thing you need to do is get the emotions out of the picture, and think rationally about what is happening and what you should do. Don't make any serious decisions until you are able to think rationally.

Whether she's been cheating is totally irrelevant, unless you happen to live in a state that doesn't allow "no fault" divorce. In that case, evidence of the infidelity will be needed if you decide to use it as grounds for a divorce. However, infidelity has no effect on her immigration status at all.

You say you feel like you were used for a green card. Is this based on concrete evidence, or is it just a gut feeling? If it's based on concrete evidence then you have an obligation to report it to USCIS. If it's just a gut feeling, but you have no evidence to back it up, then forget it. USCIS won't revoke a green card and deport an alien for fraud unless they have evidence that will stand up in court.

Your wife doesn't need any further assistance from you in order to keep her green card. There are several options available for her to ask for a waiver of the joint filing requirements, and remove conditions on that green card by herself. The simplest of these options is just to get a divorce. If getting a divorce happens to be difficult and time consuming in the state where you live (some states have a mandatory period of separation before they'll grant a divorce) then she could also opt for a waiver based on abuse. You said you take responsibility for the problems in your first year of marriage. Could she have a claim for abuse?

Now, here's the bad news - the affidavit of support you signed will remain in effect even after the divorce. If she collects any means tested benefits from the government then you could be forced to reimburse the government. It's even possible she could sue you for support based on the affidavit.

[brokenhearted 0]

this is to Kathryns reply. thank you for that advice. i have suggested counseling but she refuses. she just has nothing more to say other then she has lost her conection with me. i do care about the marriage i do want to make things work. i have changed as a person and i know it because she tells me, her mom spoke to me and she has told her mom that i have completely changed but still she wants noting to do with me. she dont want me to get close to her, she wont even hold my hand anymore. i mentioned a few other things not because i dont know where my mind is, but its just me grasping-looking for a reason as to why this is happening. as you all know you fight so hard to be with the one you love, you go through hardship and lots of lonely days and nights. then in my case, when we finally have the chance to be together and make things work. she wants out. like i said i messed up our first year, there was no infidelity on my part or anything like that., it was just a lack of giving her attention, respect, and things like that. i know it took me some time to come around but i did, and as i have said to her, my vows mean the world to me. i have asked what happened to "through good times and bad" she just says that she cant try anymore

[rika60607 215]

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. A year of "just" lack of attention and respect is more than enough to kill love.

in "through the good times and bad", the times applies to the outside circumstances, not to how you treat your partner. If you forfeited on the vows for a year and now take them seriously when she's leaving, then you are too late. Let her go...

it was just a lack of giving her attention, respect, and things like that. i know it took me some time to come around but i did, and as i have said to her, my vows mean the world to me. i have asked what happened to "through good times and bad" she just says that she cant try anymore

[brokenhearted 0]

ok maybe things were a little misunderstood. it wasnt a total 365 days of lack of attention and all the things i mentioned. we had months of good times, where we did things, and had fun together. this is just what she has said to me. that it has all balled up and held in over time and now she dont want to try. she has already asked me what we are going to do where were going from here and things like that. i always asked her to talk to me and let me know what was going on, but i guess what she means by talking and what i mean are 2 different things. and sorry to say but if you dont take your vows serious you have no buisiness getting married. for all of us who are going through this process of getting your loved one reunited with you, you knwo its a new experience and sometimes things arent always going to be good and arent always going to be perfect. we are still getting used to how eachother lives, how we act and respond. sometimes people click right away for others it takes time. but no matter what, in the eyes of god, we should never give up

Edited May 16, 2010 by brokenhearted

[rika60607 215]

What can I say... immigration-wise, Jim gave you an excellent advice - if you think that she used you for a greencard and you have hard evidence - call and write to USCIS and/or ICE.

Do you think she never loved you and tricked you into marriage just to gain the immigration benefits? By your own words, you two were in love... so probably not. She may choose to go back to Canada, but you can not force her.

Marriage-wise (and having been in your wife's shoes) - you are (most likely) too late. Your last and most difficult course of action would be to tell her that you understand how much you f'd up, that you will do whatever she wants and stick with it, no matter how painful her wishes are. If there is anything left in her heart, that might make a miracle happen... but (realistically) it is impossible act perfectly when you are hurt and trying to transfer the blame on her. The more you try to make her stay, the more effectively you will push her away...

sorry man, this is very very sad.

[trailmix 77]

if i was used i dont want her here and i dont think she deserves to be in the us.

Hi,

I'm sorry this is happening to you, certainly a bad situation all around.

You have been given good advice here, but there is just one thing I want to add. Your comment above - unless you believe her intentions were fraudulent (which you don't really seem to) - you should completely try to forget the whole "I don't think she deserves to be in the US".

Just like your marriage vows, you entered in to a contract to bring your wife here. You cannot back out of this just because it is inconvenient for you right now or because you are hurt.

What I am trying to say is that one has nothing to do with the other. This type of thing gets posted here a lot. U.S. citizen sponsors spouse, things don't work out and they want to send them packing.

Stand behind the decision you made originally, in terms of immigration.

Edited May 17, 2010 by trailmix

[chinese_mutt 11]

You have been given good advice here, but there is just one thing I want to add. Your comment above - unless you believe her intentions were fraudulent (which you don't really seem to) - you should completely try to forget the whole "I don't think she deserves to be in the US".

While I feel bad about the OP's current situation... I agree. Forget the whole "I don't think she deserves to be in the US."

I don't see any fraud on her part, by your admission alone... you neglected your wife or failed to live up to her standard of what marriage is or should be.

And really, I don't think she deserves to be yanked out of her own country, abandon everything she knows and have, and come here and be accused of being a green card #######. You don't know how hard it is to be an immigrant until you yourself have walked in our shoes. I'm sorry your marriage is failing and that she doesn't want to work things out but frankly it leaves a bad taste in my mouth when I hear USC saying they want to deport their foreign spouses back because 'things didn't work out'. I'm sure there are a lot of fraud going on but from the way you narrated things, I believe she came here in good faith. Be a man, accept what is and move on.

[idocare 3]

Hello Poster,

I can relate to what your saying because I consider myself to have been used by a visa opportunist. He loved me

and wanted to work what ever misunderstanding out until our AOS was filed, then he became a nitemare to live

with. These people trying to post the blame on you are people that have no ideal of what a greencard seeking

is willing to do, please ignore them.

The first year in any marriage, especially living together brings about many discoveries about each other, someone

that truly loves you ( in my oppinion ) for you won't be willing to give up so easy on their marriage, especially when

she now has you bending over backwards to save your marriage. Unfortunately that's where alot of Americans

find themselves when they bring people from other Countries here into America. The fact that she's from Canada

don't give any leverage towards her wanting to get that American Visa. After I divorced my Nigerian husband I

had met a Laywer from Canada telling me that he always wanted to marry an American and come live here with

his wife. He went further to say that the pay in America is much more then what Canada offers. Ofcourse that was

all I needed to hear, he didn't know who he was talking too, ( a now well educated woman on visa fraud ) we

hadn't talked about me being involved in the visa process and having a taste of a fraudlent marriage yet.

Just the fact that you say she doesen't want to attend counseling with you say volumes to me. You like me did all

the right things to make her able to stay here and so like others have told you; she doesen't need you anymore, but

I'm now lookin at what your saying; it's only been a year and she is ready to throw your marriage in the trash and

flush it down the toilet heck you and her probably enjoyed the long distance dating longer then the marriage.

You went thru spending lots of money, visits to her, and sponsoring her and within one year she's ready to say good

bye, in my eyes it does sound suspect of fraud, but what alot of Americans don't realize is once you sponsor that

person and send in the AOS, they are now dealing with immigration independant of you. They now have lots of

options they can use to stay here in the states and don't need you anymore, so we find ourselves bending over

backwards for them and totally kissing their behinds while they continue to abruse us. Many already knew what

they were gonna do before they came into this Country courtesy of the petition filed by you. They know when it's

safe to end the marriage.

Please greeve, and let her go on, because there is really nothing you could do at this point to keep her with you.

that's something that alot of Americans don't know going into these relationships with aliens, too many of us don't

so our homework because where too busy in love.

Unless you can show immigration proof of a fraudlent marriage she has already beat you, all you can do now is

protect your assets, and let her go on, because it sounds like she clearly wants out and she will eventually leave

anyway this is just my thought, but once again I want too caution you that you shouldn't blame yourself, sounds

like to me that your were dealing with a woman that knew what she wanted and how to get it, just let God deal

with her and he will if she used you for a visa.

I wish you all the best in time of need.