Sex-Ed University: Be More Careful In The Bedroom!

[Amby 490]

I think you all just need to be very careful so there's no ####### injuries.

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

It's true that I'm not nice. When I spend two weeks salary that you earn working triple shifts on a diamond necklace as a surprise anniversary present because the wife has her heart set on it, I'm not nice. When the wife comes home after working and says she's tired and you draw a bath and massage her feet eventhough you have just finished working back-to-back shifts, I'm not nice. When the wife tells you that she's got nothing nice to wear and you max out your credit cards just to keep her happy, I'm not nice. When the wife forgets to make you lunch and you wake up at 5:30 so you can leave by 6:30 and you don't wake her up or complain about it even if go without because you're flat broke and you're trying to save up for a house that she has fallen in love with, I'm not nice. When the wife takes your new car and she loans it to her friend who causes $5000 damage which you have to pay out of pocket and your insurance premiums triple but you don't get upset about it, I'm not nice. See what a monster that I am, I'm not nice at all.

that's nice, but none of that applies to me.

[ValerieA 350]

Not me. You're the type that rips out a man's heart, stomps on it, slices it, fries it and serves it up on your finest china while smiling sweetly and innocently asking, "would you like some pepper with that?"

Why would I fry it? I like my organs rare...

[Darnell 8,478]

I still find it odd that a firm specialising in 'recycled phones' funded this study - I mean - come on - where's the frickin linkage there?

Were they taking in phones to recycle, that had some special 'bedroom' stink to them, then decided to go off on a tangent and fund this study? #######, seriously !

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Why would I fry it? I like my organs rare...

Shhh...I like you, Giant Penguin, you remind me of my second wife. She was a handsome woman, she had a cleft in her chin and a bigger adam's apple than me, but she was a fine women. She'd come home everyday and say, "Cinco you've been drinking." I'd say, "I have not been drinking, do I sound drunk to yooou?" I loved her but there was no pleasing her, she once said to me "Cinco let's have kids." So I went out the next day and spent $200 to buy some baby goats. That didn't please her at all. There was no pleasing that woman. She kept telling me that alcohol had impaired my judgement, so I said, "Judgement? I have no judgement, I've never even been arrested." After a while she left me, they all do, I didn't know why? The divorce was great she cited mental cruelty. I would never touch a woman like that I never even laid a hand on her, not even on our wedding night. I was in the hospital getting my stomach pumped. Now I'm on number three, she doesn't say much, she just locks me out at night everytime I get drunk, which is crazy since I don't drink. I'm not a drunk, that's a lie. I just spend my nights worshipping the spirits, I'm a religious man, I believe in the King of Kings or the King of Beers or something. What did you want? My organs, well, my first wife took the Wurlitzer, my liver might not be so good but not because I'm a drunk, which I'm not. The second wife got half of everything else, it used to be a long story but now it's not. I had no idea that they could do that in Texas. I don't care if you want my organ, just please bring me a beer, I'm starting to become sober. I don't like being sober, it's scary. Can you please keep it down, Penguin, you don't have to yell at me; you're not my wife, are you?

Edited May 17, 2010 by IR5FORMUMSIE

[ValerieA 350]

A penguin being married to a drunk cat would be so wrong, in so many ways...

For cryin' out loud, Charles, would you grab the cat a beer? He should pass out soon, then we can shave him.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

A penguin being married to a drunk cat would be so wrong, in so many ways...

For cryin' out loud, Charles, would you grab the cat a beer? He should pass out soon, then we can shave him.

Now you sound like my first Mother-In-Law. They weren't penguins, they were ostriches. They were concerned that their little girl was going to get married to a drunk kitty. That's crazy, I don't drink, I'm not a drunk.

I remember that wifey number one shaved me once. She kept bugging me that I was licking myself too much. I told her, "I am a cat, how else do you expect me to clean myself? Do you want me ot throw myself in the washing machine and dry myself in the fluff cycle." She said, "I don't care and I don't care how much you beg I'm not going to fluff you as long as you keep drinking. The next time I catch you drunk, I'm going to shave you." I passed out one night, because I was tired, not because I was drunk since I don't drink and she shaved me. Since then I've always felt bad for Mr. Clean, I wonder if he married my first ex-wife.

[ValerieA 350]

Do you want me ot throw myself in the washing machine and dry myself in the fluff cycle.

Works for me.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Works for me.

Are you sure that you're not related to my first wife? Birds of a feather, sh*t on Cinco together.

[ValerieA 350]

Have you ever thought that, if everyone is against you, maybe it is you and not them?

[Ban Hammer 13,334]

Have you ever thought that, if everyone is against you, maybe it is you and not them?

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Have you ever thought that, if everyone is against you, maybe it is you and not them?

Look, it's going to be a cold day in Hell before I take advice from a giant penguin who can't spell. The last penguin that tried to tell me that I had a problem was Mother Superior and I didn't listen to her. She didn't bring me a beer, either. I have lots of friends, Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels and I'm friends with royalty, I know the King of Beers very well. He even lets me call him "Bud."

You still here, where's my beer?

[ValerieA 350]

Where in heck did this spelling thing come from? I spell quite well, puddy tat.

And Bud is not alcohol. It's water. You could drink 5 cases of that and not even get a buzz.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Where in heck did this spelling thing come from? I spell quite well, puddy tat.

And Bud is not alcohol. It's water. You could drink 5 cases of that and not even get a buzz.

The current one is working on her spelling, too. Right now she is dancing around and practicing out loud, "D-I- V-O-R-C-E." I know that Bud isn't alcohol, that's what I told the Ossifer. I said, "I've drinking Budweiser but I don't feel any wiser." I told him, "I'm not drunk, a giant penguin just hit me on the head with a hammer, that's all."

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

that's nice, but none of that applies to me.

How soon they forget. No wonder you don't bring me any beer, you keep drinking 'em.