My Fiancee is missing his kids BAD!!!

[kimlbs 0]

Okay...My Fiancee arrived July 19. Things have been going great so far. We are getting along great and he is adjusting better than expected. He even found some temporary work so he is making his own money and feeling really good.

However.......we had our first bad night last night!!! My Fiancee was up watching movies and he started to think about his kids.... They are 7 and 11. He woke me up at 1:30am in the morning and I could tell that he was not doing okay....... HE MISSED HIS KIDS...BAD!!! I tried to console him but what could I really say that helped!! Finally, at 2:00am, he picked up the phone and called them......so it was 4:00am back in Jamaica....the kids are with their mother .....he talked to each of the kids for a bit...then he pulled out the photo albums and thumbed through them for about 1/2 hour.....I just hugged him and kept telling him that we would be going back to visit soon....I felt horrible and really did not know how to handle it......he was really close to his kids back home and he said he has never gone this long without seeing them before.....he said that he does not know if he could do this!!!!!

We talked about this in length before he came over and we knew it was going to be hard.........

The kids will be coming to stay with us next summer and we are going back to visit in April 2007 but that is a long time off and we are not able to get there any earlier due to financial reasons.

He finally got to sleep...I held him until he fell asleep but..I need advice!!! Have any of you experienced this before?????..........What can/should I do???? I am a Mommy myself so I completely understand his pain but I do not know what else to do!!! IDEAS????

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

We kind of went through this when Tim spent three months in the states. It took him around two months before it really seemed to hit him bad. I must say I felt hopeless, there is not much one can do to make this situation any better. Having webcams, and voice on pc's help some I think, he was able to watch his boys wrestling about in their living room.

We have discussed this often throughout our journey, our intentions are to start to put back a percentage from each pay check into a flight fund. I think the other half knowing they can go visit anytime will help. I realize you guys have to do AOS, which can make it a bit more difficult not knowing a time frame.

That is exactly why we chose the CR-1, I never wanted my husband to be in a situation where he couldn't return to see his children. On the relationship side for us it has been tough, but I have never regretted being apart from him for a year and half, because in my mind I know he will never be denied by the government to go and visit his children freely. Everyone makes their choices for a reason, but I think those with children in a foreign country should really ponder the issue, who would you prefer to sacrifice not being with for a long period of time, your future spouse or your children? Going through AP was just not an option for us.

Maybe your story will shed a light on the subject for other couples trying to make a decision on which visa to choose. Being apart from your children indefinetly will never be easy, but at least having the freedom to go see them, being legal to take up employment when entering the states so that you can afford to purchase a ticket to visit might help ease the hardships being apart from them brings.

Sorry your OH is going through what he is. All I can suggest is give as much emotional support as you can.

Bethanie

[Joey559 1]

Maybe it's rude to mention but sidenote Kim:

Did your fiance receive the EAD stamp when he came into the US? Because without that he CAN'T work, temporarily or otherwise.

Sorry, i know you're dealing with a lot but him working under the table would cause some VERY serious problems for you guys so I just thought I'd make sure you knew that.

Take care of yourself and your fiance...

Joey

[kimlbs 0]

Maybe it's rude to mention but sidenote Kim:

Did your fiance receive the EAD stamp when he came into the US? Because without that he CAN'T work, temporarily or otherwise.

Sorry, i know you're dealing with a lot but him working under the table would cause some VERY serious problems for you guys so I just thought I'd make sure you knew that.

Take care of yourself and your fiance...

Joey

We are good Joey but thanks for the reminder......

[kimlbs 0]

We kind of went through this when Tim spent three months in the states. It took him around two months before it really seemed to hit him bad. I must say I felt hopeless, there is not much one can do to make this situation any better. Having webcams, and voice on pc's help some I think, he was able to watch his boys wrestling about in their living room.

We have discussed this often throughout our journey, our intentions are to start to put back a percentage from each pay check into a flight fund. I think the other half knowing they can go visit anytime will help. I realize you guys have to do AOS, which can make it a bit more difficult not knowing a time frame.

That is exactly why we chose the CR-1, I never wanted my husband to be in a situation where he couldn't return to see his children. On the relationship side for us it has been tough, but I have never regretted being apart from him for a year and half, because in my mind I know he will never be denied by the government to go and visit his children freely. Everyone makes their choices for a reason, but I think those with children in a foreign country should really ponder the issue, who would you prefer to sacrifice not being with for a long period of time, your future spouse or your children? Going through AP was just not an option for us.

Maybe your story will shed a light on the subject for other couples trying to make a decision on which visa to choose. Being apart from your children indefinetly will never be easy, but at least having the freedom to go see them, being legal to take up employment when entering the states so that you can afford to purchase a ticket to visit might help ease the hardships being apart from them brings.

Sorry your OH is going through what he is. All I can suggest is give as much emotional support as you can.

Bethanie

Bethanie-

You bring up some really good points and I do hope others with children explore both options before selecting the route they wish to pursue. I think everyone has their own situation to consider. Our's was a bit different than yours being that my fiancee comes from a third world Country and other issues were present. We did explore all options before chosing the K-1 route.

I guess I am looking for some advice as to what others have done who are in the same situation or who have gone though this themselves. I am sure that we are not the only couple with children who went the K-1 route. Thinking about things retrospectively is not an option for us since he is here now and some advice on how others handle the situation is kinda what I was looking for.

Maybe others can chime in......advice anyone????

[Sharon 1]

Kim, I can give you a point of view from your hubby's side because I came from Canada and my 2 oldest kids stayed in Canada (my youngest, then 7, came to Virginia with me) with their Dad. They weren't half as young as your step-kids are tho, when I came to the US, my oldest girl was 20 and my son was 15. It still definitely wasn't easy. Looking back to 3 years ago, I can tell you what kept me sane when my arms ached to hug Fawn and Justin, and what made a world of difference, were the following...

* A scheduled weekly phone call when I could talk to them every week. We all just decided on a time and day that would be convenient to all of us.

* Sending them email jokes and cards and letters etc and them sending them to me too

* A webcam and mic so we could see each other and hear each other's voices....I needed to hear my kids' laugh, that was a huge deal for me. Webcams and mics are a BIG thing.

* Sending snail mail and small parcels/little gifts/photos

* And of course the visits in person when we could/can. I get together with Fawn and Justin at least 2X a year. Usually they will come to the US for one visit and then I'll goto Canada for another every year.

What you can do for your hubby is keep telling him that it WILL slowly get easier. It does. The missing them never goes away of course, but you learn to deal with it and handle it. Be there for him and encourage him to do some of the things I've mentioned above. If he's feeling any of the things that I myself felt, then he is worried that kis kids might think he has abandoned them and chosen you first instead of them. He's probably worried that he'll end up being an "out of sight, out of mind" thing and that his kids will forget all about him. Be warned that they do do that at a certain age...lol...ALL kids do. Whether they are living in the same house or on the other side of the world. But as long as he keeps telling and showing his kids that he hasn't forgotten about them and that he loves them then they won't ever forget him. It might feel sometimes tho, that HE is the one doing all the work and the kids aren't reciprocating, but again ALL kids do that so he shouldn't take it personally and just continue to show his love.

He's facing a bit of a long road, it's a hard one to bear too. Took me a good year or more to start feeling any better about it if you want the truth. But as I said before you DO start feeling better, you just gotta give it all you got.

Good Luck.

[Sharon 1]

That is exactly why we chose the CR-1, I never wanted my husband to be in a situation where he couldn't return to see his children. On the relationship side for us it has been tough, but I have never regretted being apart from him for a year and half, because in my mind I know he will never be denied by the government to go and visit his children freely. Everyone makes their choices for a reason, but I think those with children in a foreign country should really ponder the issue, who would you prefer to sacrifice not being with for a long period of time, your future spouse or your children? Going through AP was just not an option for us.

In a typical situation, Bethanie, if you come to the US on a K-1 or K-3, the normal processing times for an AP are around 3 months or less these days, which isn't too bad. Of course, there are some special cases where that doesn't happen (like mine ) but those cases are very few and far between.

And dear, I know you didn't mean it quite that way but to say that one "should really ponder the issue, who would you prefer to sacrifice not being with for a long period of time, your future spouse or your children?" kinda makes it sound like we are having to choose between our US fiance/spouse or our kids. When it's not exactly like that and there's a whooooooooooole lot more involved that just that one thing, trust me.

[Joey559 1]

Maybe it's rude to mention but sidenote Kim:

Did your fiance receive the EAD stamp when he came into the US? Because without that he CAN'T work, temporarily or otherwise.

Sorry, i know you're dealing with a lot but him working under the table would cause some VERY serious problems for you guys so I just thought I'd make sure you knew that.

Take care of yourself and your fiance...

Joey

We are good Joey but thanks for the reminder......

Ah excellent. I got that whole X--File watcher syndrome...I'm like, NO!!! The Man will hear you!!!

I hope he's feeling better soon.

Joey

[kimlbs 0]

Kim, I can give you a point of view from your hubby's side because I came from Canada and my 2 oldest kids stayed in Canada (my youngest, then 7, came to Virginia with me) with their Dad. They weren't half as young as your step-kids are tho, when I came to the US, my oldest girl was 20 and my son was 15. It still definitely wasn't easy. Looking back to 3 years ago, I can tell you what kept me sane when my arms ached to hug Fawn and Justin, and what made a world of difference, were the following...

* A scheduled weekly phone call when I could talk to them every week. We all just decided on a time and day that would be convenient to all of us.

* Sending them email jokes and cards and letters etc and them sending them to me too

* A webcam and mic so we could see each other and hear each other's voices....I needed to hear my kids' laugh, that was a huge deal for me. Webcams and mics are a BIG thing.

* Sending snail mail and small parcels/little gifts/photos

* And of course the visits in person when we could/can. I get together with Fawn and Justin at least 2X a year. Usually they will come to the US for one visit and then I'll goto Canada for another every year.

What you can do for your hubby is keep telling him that it WILL slowly get easier. It does. The missing them never goes away of course, but you learn to deal with it and handle it. Be there for him and encourage him to do some of the things I've mentioned above. If he's feeling any of the things that I myself felt, then he is worried that kis kids might think he has abandoned them and chosen you first instead of them. He's probably worried that he'll end up being an "out of sight, out of mind" thing and that his kids will forget all about him. Be warned that they do do that at a certain age...lol...ALL kids do. Whether they are living in the same house or on the other side of the world. But as long as he keeps telling and showing his kids that he hasn't forgotten about them and that he loves them then they won't ever forget him. It might feel sometimes tho, that HE is the one doing all the work and the kids aren't reciprocating, but again ALL kids do that so he shouldn't take it personally and just continue to show his love.

He's facing a bit of a long road, it's a hard one to bear too. Took me a good year or more to start feeling any better about it if you want the truth. But as I said before you DO start feeling better, you just gotta give it all you got.

Good Luck.

Thanks so much Sharon!!!......This is the exact information that I was looking for......He calls them about 3 x or more a week and the photo album does help. Plus......I went and enlarged a few pictures of the kids......framed them and put them up all around the house....I also cooked some traditional Jamaican food last night so it made him feel better. We do need to explore the computer/web cam idea. Unfortunatley, some parts in JA do not have internet connection/access so this may be a little hard. Hopefully, the technology will improve.

Just hearing from you that it does get better over time is good to know.......It is so hard to watch someone you love hurting!!!!

Thanks again!!! I am glad that you are seeing your kids on a regular basis and doing all those things........I have a teenager myself and I know exactly what you are talking about!!

Edited August 7, 2006 by kimlbs

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

That is exactly why we chose the CR-1, I never wanted my husband to be in a situation where he couldn't return to see his children. On the relationship side for us it has been tough, but I have never regretted being apart from him for a year and half, because in my mind I know he will never be denied by the government to go and visit his children freely. Everyone makes their choices for a reason, but I think those with children in a foreign country should really ponder the issue, who would you prefer to sacrifice not being with for a long period of time, your future spouse or your children? Going through AP was just not an option for us.

In a typical situation, Bethanie, if you come to the US on a K-1 or K-3, the normal processing times for an AP are around 3 months or less these days, which isn't too bad. Of course, there are some special cases where that doesn't happen (like mine ) but those cases are very few and far between.

And dear, I know you didn't mean it quite that way but to say that one "should really ponder the issue, who would you prefer to sacrifice not being with for a long period of time, your future spouse or your children?" kinda makes it sound like we are having to choose between our US fiance/spouse or our kids. When it's not exactly like that and there's a whooooooooooole lot more involved that just that one thing, trust me.

I realize there is a whoooooooooooole lot more to it than this, been at it for over three years now. In my opinion there is a sacrifice of time lost it is either going to be with your other half or with your children, all of this is a choice there is nothing else to call it. You choose one place or the other, with or without someone or someones, for whatever reasons. That is not to say you choose one family over the other, you choose what is best for everyone involved. Know all about it, we went back and forth where we would be, where our children would be, what situation would be the best for ALL of us. The best for his children was to be with their mother, this was not decided over night matter of fact it took well over a year to make this decision.

It is a sacrifice living without my husband, my husband would tell you that it is a sacrifice living without me. We gave up our time together for both sets of children, because it was the best through what we knew would be a long journey. I am not talking sacrifice, as in go cut off an animals head and present it to some God, I am speaking of giving of yourself for someone else. Which is exactly what we did, so yep I meant it.

Personally it was difficult enough knowing he would be the one moving away from his boys, the least I could do was give him more time with them. Not only did he have more time with them, but he can turn around in a couple of months and go freely back to visit, because of the visa we chose and the fact he will be continuously employed and able to purchase a ticket for this visit.

My point is I hope people truly look at all of their options when they have children, not just I want to get through this journey as fast as I can. Can't deny this happens you will see several posts every week, "we chose the k-1 because it is the fastest".

The OP started a good thread, for all of us who will have one set of children left in a foreign country. Again this will help others starting their journeys to know what lies ahead and make the best choice of visa for their particular situation.

My statement was worded about the time apart and if you felt like I was accusing anyone of some God awful thing like picking and choosing between loved ones, I am sorry that was not my intention. Been there done it, it is not an easy choice by any means!

B

[Sharon 1]

I realize there is a whoooooooooooole lot more to it than this, been at it for over three years now.

Were you attempting to mock me here?

If so....didn't work.

My statement was worded about the time apart and if you felt like I was accusing anyone of some God awful thing like picking and choosing between loved ones, I am sorry that was not my intention. Been there done it, it is not an easy choice by any means!

Bethanie, I never said I felt like you were accusing anybody of anything at all. Matter of fact I even went so far to say that "I know you didn't mean it that way"

Touchy, are we?

You seem to want to keep stressing the fact that one of the main reason you chose to go the way you and hubby are is so that he wouldn't have to wait to see his kids as you do when you come in on a K-1.

So, I will again stress the AP facts:

In a typical situation, if you come to the US on a K-1 or K-3, the normal processing times for an AP are around 3 months or less these days, which isn't too bad. Of course, there are some special cases where that doesn't happen (like mine ) but those cases are very few and far between.

[Marilyn. 340]

hey Sharon, I just wanted to mention that the K3 is a multiple entry visa and doesn't require AP

[Sharon 1]

hey Sharon, I just wanted to mention that the K3 is a multiple entry visa and doesn't require AP

Oh ooops. Can ya tell I didn't come in on a K-3? Sowwwwyyyy.

[Widge 0]

I realize there is a whoooooooooooole lot more to it than this, been at it for over three years now.

Were you attempting to mock me here?

If so....didn't work.

Uhm wasn't she just quoting your exact text not mocking?

[Sharon 1]

I realize there is a whoooooooooooole lot more to it than this, been at it for over three years now.

Were you attempting to mock me here?

If so....didn't work.

Uhm wasn't she just quoting your exact text not mocking?

Maybe. Maybe not.

I didn't say she was....I asked.

See the question mark?

Same one you typed.

Edited August 11, 2006 by Sharon