Foreign Fiance flipping out...

[mike101 8]

I had this talk with my Fiancee before applying for the K1 visa and it is a difficult decision to leave everything you have known all of your life and put all your trust into your fiance. The K1 Visa process really tests the love you both have for each other and its not easy.

The time spent apart can be stressful on the relationship and I myself had to make an extra trip to provide support.

You have to reassure her that you will take care of her and support her while she's in the USA. She's giving up a lot to be with you and needs that reassurance.

[Boiler 45,467]

Have you thought of moving to her country?

[zenaxe 22]

So now that we have about 4-6 weeks before her interview, she is flipping out about coming to the US. She feels "trapped" that she will have to wait several months before she gets her residency, social, job permit, and be able to see her family again. Help! Has anyone else gone through this? This is really wearing me down, I've run out of things to say over this topic! What can I do or say to her to calm her down?

Focus on what she needs, her comments are expressions of her need. It sounds like she's nervous about the inability to work and travel which is absolutely limited with that type of visa. Encourage her to stay the course and to see the final outcome and how positive that will be. A few months more waiting for other documents is certainly do able given how long you guys have likely been waiting for approval of the K1. She's in a bit of a panic and overwhelming period and she needs reassurance and to focus on what's further ahead than what's directly in front of her. Be sure this isn't a signal of her wanting to back out.

Behaviour is a response to a need. Listen to her and do what you can do, the rest is up to her to sort out. She needs to figure out if she can do this or not no matter how hard you try. Stay positive and hopefully it's just a temporary period of 'oh my god i'm really doing this. She is feeling isolation so you have to meet the need; when someone feels isolated you don't further isolate but point out how the opposite is true - reassure her - she can call her family anytime and in a matter of 90 days or so you'll get EAD and AP.

If it isn't just her nerves getting the best of her, have an honest and frank discussion about what's really happening for her.

Good luck.

[kilipit 0]

So now that we have about 4-6 weeks before her interview, she is flipping out about coming to the US. She feels "trapped" that she will have to wait several months before she gets her residency, social, job permit, and be able to see her family again. Help! Has anyone else gone through this? This is really wearing me down, I've run out of things to say over this topic! What can I do or say to her to calm her down?

hi, im in that situation but because of being far from family, theres more things to think than feeling trapped, life will be more enjoy if she knows whats the reason why she will staying with you and build family

[Alcheringa 39]

My fiancée and I suffered a warzone together for 1.5 years, I just finished living with her and her family for six months awaiting the approval of her visa, we got boots on the ground just today in the States -- and even with all of the implicit closeness, trust, and time we share she is somewhat jolted by the vastness and diversity of the States. Even simply based off of initial impressions. And she has worked all over the world.

Visiting somewhere is one thing. Working somewhere is one thing. Leaving everything behind for permanent residency in a place you may know little about is entirely another. Even if you do know something about it, it can still be a bear to grapple with. I've lived in various places, and the PI was absolutely impossible for me to integrate into my mind. Just couldn't do it -- the endemic poverty, pollution, institutionalized corruption, and general acceptance of disorder rubbed me the wrong way.

One has to keep that sort of scenario in mind when we discuss the transplantation of loved ones.

So, having been removed from her extended family, i.e. huge support network, it's my duty to replace that with something new but viable for her. And to make it as painless as possible. But no matter how good of a job I do there is going to have to be compromise involved. She's sailing on different waters now.

Prior to this, we had some cultural differences to work out -- even recently -- but as a PP said those are the bends in the road. Unvarying, if not impractical, expectation is the enemy here. And fear of the unknown is by all means an expectation that sort of muffles the mind and frazzles the nerves. By allowing fear to hold you in its grip you expect failure.

Only the OP knows the nature of his relationship, and the footing that he rests it all upon. There are relationships that are rock solid through thick and thin, there are the rash visa petitions based on little more that a few text messages and a short visit, and then there are the stereotypical marry-for-visa scenarios. How the hell would we know what he is going through when most of the time we're very occupied with holding the reigns of our own lives.

Ultimately -- particularly with individuals from some Asian and South/Central American cultures -- one has to come to the realization that the relationship is not only about them, and that being the one on familiar ground he/she is obligated to give their loved one a great deal of latitude as they express their concerns (sometimes in disturbing ways) and make a point of never taking it personal. Until it becomes personal, or indicates nefarious behavior.

Unfortunately, in cases where two people won't have the opportunity to actually live together until he/she arrives with a K-1 or CR-1 in hand with shaking knees and chattering teeth, you just can't really know until you have some time under your belt together. Which is why there are so many failed relationships via the visa system; people are very empathetic and sometimes shocked by hearing sad stories, but let's face it -- it's fundamental human nature to discover and integrate the gap between pre-marital fantasies about one another and the day-to-day reality of who we really are while living under the same roof.

Sometimes people don't survive that particular visa journey, but it's one worth embarking upon regardless of the case -- if for no other reason than we learn something from it.

It may just be me, but after having been obsessively focused on submitting the perfect packet and seeing it through to clearing the POE today, now that we've progressed and are somewhat confident that our AOS will succeed much the same, the breadth of what we've done begins to settle upon us. And that can be scary, too, if one hasn't prepared themselves for it.

There are men whom choose their bride as if picking the best looking piece of chocolate from an assorted box. Then there are situations like mine at the other extreme where life forged a relationship that cannot be broken. In between is the other 95% of VJ members all figuring out and writing their own stories. But I'd be damned if I didn't say that this forum is the Internet at its essential best -- linking myriads of people whom otherwise would not have any connection and creating a sort of group-mind that literally springboards anyone willing to use it as a resource -- and pull their head out of their rear end long enough to pay attention and realize its worth.

We couldn't have done it alone, and it is a thread like this one that extends the normal "Well, read the Guides and submit this, this and that..." into territory that is profoundly poignant -- because for most of us, this is the bread and butter of the experience. Once the documents are submitted, once all of the petitions are approved and the visas and AOS's and LOC's have been granted, that's where the real journey begins.

And for that, I'm grateful to have found everyone here. It really changed our lives, as without it we'd have wandered somewhat blind through a storm. What I am saying is that you all are the sh!t, and that even though things can and will get difficult don't forget that there are plenty of folks going through exactly the same thing, and all it takes is trolling the forums to get you back on track again -- if not glean some insight for yourself and others.

With that I am going to end the longest post in the history of VJ -- hey, moderators, don't I get a t-shirt or something?

Good luck, everyone.