Im a skeptic, but a curious skeptic

[Peikko 1,575]

All the "filth" comments came from him too. It was across numerous pages.

I got no indication at all that it was just a joke - he seemed perfectly serious. He has already stated that he lacks the normal rules of morality the govern most people because rules of morality lead to 'emotion based' views on a number of ethical questions. I did try to ask why a lack of morality produced a more rational and unemotional response to ethical questions, but got no response.

[Allamericankiwi 14]

Oh another one of those online relationships that started innocent enough and lead to a questionable marriage. Believe it or not there are plenty of people that won't understand your situation as it's only fairly recently that people initially met online.

I lived with my lady for a year in america and we have visited each other and each others families numerous times over 4 years. We know each other very well, warts and all as they say.......Im glad we didnt jump in to marriage as there was alot of adjustment for us both and decisions to make about family, where we would live etc......

[Trumplestiltskin 5,791]

I got no indication at all that it was just a joke - he seemed perfectly serious. He has already stated that he lacks the normal rules of morality the govern most people because rules of morality lead to 'emotion based' views on a number of ethical questions. I did try to ask why a lack of morality produced a more rational and unemotional response to ethical questions, but got no response.

Neither did I. He repeated it numerous times in the thread.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Those last couple of posts were very interesting and informative and answered some of my wonderings.....

Do you think that theres a big risk that once married for the more practical reasons, and once acclimated into the new culture and way of life and thinking of the western country, that the partner could fall in love with someone closer to their own age for the other reasons like physical attractiveness, fun, excitement......

I think the odds are the same in any relationship where there is an age gap. I don't think that one spouse coming from another country has much affect on this. If there is a real relationship that goes beyond the superficial, then the relationship has a good chance of lasting a long time. My mother's last husband was the same age as me. They married when he and I were both 18. He and I went to school together! They had a very happy marriage for over 20 years, until he died of cancer. In the same period of time, I married and divorced a girl who was nearly the same age as me, and my second marriage (also to a girl nearly the same age) was rapidly collapsing.

If a young girl is marrying primarily to improve her financial status, and the older guy is marrying primarily to have a young sex toy, then the relationship is doomed to fail. She'll get tired of compromising all of her other desires in life, especially when she realizes there are plenty of other guys who can provide for her. He'll get bored with a sex-only relationship, and not having anything in common with his wife. I've seen plenty of relationships like this, where he treats her like a child, and she puts up with it because he's her meal ticket. I've seen this with relationships between two Americans, as well as with an American and foreigner.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I would like to ask those who are choosing to discuss other activities in OT to please refrain from doing so in this thread as they are 'off topic' for this subject and is inconsiderate of the OP. Thank you.

[Peikko 1,575]

A fair request which I will comply with.

As to the question of internet dating. I don't have a problem with it. There are many motivations for wishing to chat with people from outside of your normal social circle and that can and does lead to other more committed relationships.

Do people lie and cheat? Sure, but they do that in more traditionall social circles as well. I do not really see that there is much of a difference.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

See I think almost everyone is kinda missing what the OP is saying.

People meet, people fall in love. Looks don't tend to really matter, personality does, we all know this. BUT the OP seems to be referencing specifically, people who DELIBERATELY go online to look for a husband/wife from X.

I met my husband playing WoW. I didn't intend to fall for him, and nor was I looking "for love" we were friends, stuff evolved.

I too am confused about why people deliberately log onto foreign dating sites to specifically ONLY date women/men from overseas. I honestly don't know if you can really say you love your spouse if you met thinking "she MUST be Indian" or "she must be Aussie". You are seriously narrowing your "field". I don't understand it.. well I've read all about the family orientation etc, but there are people "that way" without actually being from overseas.

People who date online (in this manner) seem to have completely given up on looking in their own country/town because if their partner is BORN in their country they have to be inferior. I didn't marry my husband because he's American, I married the man, not his country. A lot of the time the women (and men) who date in this manner do so to marry the wo/man FOR the country/culture.

I like the OP find it suspicious but at the same time I don't care. They have no impact on my life.

Edited May 4, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[Peikko 1,575]

See I think almost everyone is kinda missing what the OP is saying.

People meet, people fall in love. Looks don't tend to really matter, personality does, we all know this. BUT the OP seems to be referencing specifically, people who DELIBERATELY go online to look for a husband/wife from X.

I met my husband playing WoW. I didn't intend to fall for him, and nor was I looking "for love" we were friends, stuff evolved.

I too am confused about why people deliberately log onto foreign dating sites to specifically ONLY date women/men from overseas. I honestly don't know if you can really say you love your spouse if you met thinking "she MUST be Indian" or "she must be Aussie". You are seriously narrowing your "field". I don't understand it.. well I've read all about the family orientation etc, but there are people "that way" without actually being from overseas.

People who date online (in this manner) seem to have completely given up on looking in their own country/town because if their partner is BORN in their country they have to be inferior. I didn't marry my husband because he's American, I married the man, not his country. A lot of the time the women (and men) who date in this manner do so to marry the wo/man FOR the country/culture.

I like the OP find it suspicious but at the same time I don't care. They have no impact on my life.

How do we know what motivates someone to log onto an internet dating site? A lot of them are free and fun regardless of whether you have any intention of seriously looking for your 'soul mate' or not.

[SunDrop 59]

It's actually rather logical to use international dating sites, if you know yourself and what you're looking for in a partner, and know from experience that your attributes wish list doesn't match what's commonly available locally. Actively enrolling in a dating site means you're "shopping" for a mate. Meeting someone that ticks enough boxes to make them viable as a life partner is hard enough. If you can narrow down your search field to an area where you know that a far higher proportion of people are likely to tick several boxes simply by virtue of having grown up in a cultural environment that encourages and supports certain personal values, then go for it. Or to stick to the shopping analogy, why waste your time looking in Footlocker if what you want is a pair of Jimmy Choo's?

What seems to be really important to the "international dating site" origin relationships is to remember that once enough of the boxes are ticked, the criteria for a successful relationship is the same as any other: patience, tolerance, honesty and the ability to communicate and compromise.

[Heracles 417]

[Susita 175]

Hey, I say... to each his own!

I don't want people to judge my relationship with my husband so I'm sure as hell not going to sit around and put down people for meeting in other ways. What's the difference anyhow? Everyone's using that e-harmony and that other one, I forget what it's called.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Well, everyone's looking for something, and "true love" (however that is defined) isn't the only legitimate reason to get married. A bona fide relationship, by USCIS criteria, doesn't have to involve love. Convincing someone you love him/her for your own personal gain, be it financial or otherwise, is a pretty rotten thing to do, but hey--people mistreat each other all the time.

I do think it's a little weird that people pass judgment about this sort of thing, basing their assessments of the legitimacy of others' relationships on their own limited experiences.

[thongd4me 69]

I like the "oil tanker vs. iceberg" imagery...did something from the Gulf oil-spill thread leak out over here?

[DEDixon 39]

Im trying to understand it....

to understand, you just might have to walk in another's shoes. go to the philippines or thialand and after you arrive burn all your cash, try to get a job doing anything (they'll let you be a street vendor), then rent a room with what you make. live that life and see how much time it takes you to feel like you would do just about anything to escape. imagine a friend who recently met someone online and imagine what you would accept as your spouse to better your life as well potentially your entire family.

go do it.... you'll understand.

you don't know why they will accept what is unacceptable to you because you've never been poor....not just poor but living on dirt floors poor.

[alienlovechild 75]

It's actually rather logical to use international dating sites, if you know yourself and what you're looking for in a partner, and know from experience that your attributes wish list doesn't match what's commonly available locally. Actively enrolling in a dating site means you're "shopping" for a mate. Meeting someone that ticks enough boxes to make them viable as a life partner is hard enough. If you can narrow down your search field to an area where you know that a far higher proportion of people are likely to tick several boxes simply by virtue of having grown up in a cultural environment that encourages and supports certain personal values, then go for it.

Well put. There's a pitfall when either party is harboring illusions about their long term prospects for marital success based on cultural stereotypes that don't hold true for individuals. Living in another country isn't for everyone either and may overwhelm the positive aspects of marriage.