Im a skeptic, but a curious skeptic

[Allamericankiwi 14]

quote name='Allamericankiwi' date='04 May 2010 - 09:23 PM' timestamp='1272972218' post='3914824']

There are similar parallels to this in Thailand, but that being said, I think the OP is somewhat confused by the attraction issue.

There are similar parallels to this in Thailand, but that being said, I think the OP is somewhat confused by the attraction issue.

My internet connection is stuffing me around...i already posted this....who knows where it went......too bad.

Anyway Im not confused by the fact that old guys around here are walking around with young attractive girls.....I know for sure they would never be able to do the same with ladies from their own country......dosnt it make you think.......

Im sure its great for their ego, and the attraction issue is obvious.......but is the same attraction reciprocated......

Im trying to understand it....with my kiwi mind that has no understanding of love.....:-) but my lady who i have been waiting for for 4 years knows i undertand a little about it...

.......and yes its the initial motivation Im wondering about.....why look overseas....like america...or...australia.....why choose someone so attractive and so much older ...or younger.....and how much does that motivation affect the "falling in love" process....

Im not trying to insult anyone but ever since Ive been on VJ I have wondered about that as I guess many others have.....

[Fandango 1,439]

It was in a thread the other day - Paul and Vanessa suggested (actually he stated) that he supports "degrees of genocide" and believes that the penalty for crossing the border illegally should be summary execution.

While it obviously isn't right to comment on the legitimacy or lack thereof of individual's relationships, generally speaking, I do think that large age gaps between couples where young women are being brought in from another country by older American men are a bit suspicious (on the surface at any rate). I would imagine that it's part of the reason why the USCIS conducts extra checks in certain countries because of high rates of visa fraud.

I did see the 'they should be shot' comment....I took that as a bit of a flippant comment designed to provoke...I was just wondering if someone blatantly called others filth and suggested they be strung up.

[Niels Bohr 72]

I love my foreign wife because she's more mature (psychology wise) for my liking. And, she knows how to cook good food. I'm now a little bit fatter after she came to live with me.

[Allamericankiwi 14]

I love my foreign wife because she's more mature (psychology wise) for my liking. And, she knows how to cook good food. I'm now a little bit fatter after she came to live with me.

LOL.....Im always fatter when I come back from america after visiting my lady....lol. takes me months to get the weight back down, and its hard work at the gym to do it. Its just so easy to get fat over there.....so much good food and cheap and easy to eat out and Im so weak when it comes to good food...lol. im heading back to the US this weekend for 10 weeks....with an iron resolve not to put on 10 or 15 pounds like i normally do.....

[justashooter 430]

why are they with these guys....must be money or location or both......just what are these ladies in love with??

I have finally concluded that almost all overseas dating is a big con....non-western peoples wanting to go to western countries to escape their life and the dating site can do it.....

I know there are exceptions but they must be very few......

I hope I can be proven wrong but I dont think so...

in general, i agree with you that young women from foreign countries are marrying older white guys from USA for different reasons than another USC might. same is true with young mena men and fat middle aged white USC women.

in most cases they appear to be marrying for an easier lifestyle, with immigration benefits as part of the package. this is in line with their cultural conceptions, so for some it does not seem like a scam in their eyes, rather, it is just practical. for others, it is obviously just a scam. they go into the deal expecting to get US citizenship so that they can import their "real muslim wife" in 4 years.

i was living in central china when i met my wife. the last guy she had dated before me treated her like most young chinese guys treat their girlfriends. he expected her to work to support him while he played mahjong and sat in interenet parlours while he was "looking for a job". he was an immature punk who did not pick up what we would consider a normal level of responsibility. after jettisoning this cretin, my wife had a comfortable lifestyle, making more than most engineers in an industrial chinese city, working as a professional translator and owning a retail shop in a marketplace.

we met by accident. she thought i was a lost tourist, and wanted to make sure i got back into my tour group. i was quick to state that i was not a tourist, rather, one of 30 foreign residents in a city of 6 million chinese. i hung out with her over the following weeks because she spoke english fluently, and we became friends. when we did decide to marry many months later i had a very hard time convincing her to move to USA. she is very family oriented and did not want to abandon her parents, though they are still 10 years away from retirement.

[Allamericankiwi 14]

we met by accident. she thought i was a lost tourist, and wanted to make sure i got back into my tour group. i was quick to state that i was not a tourist, rather, one of 30 foreign residents in a city of 6 million chinese. i hung out with her over the following weeks because she spoke english fluently, and we became friends. when we did decide to marry many months later i had a very hard time convincing her to move to USA. she is very family oriented and did not want to abandon her parents, though they are still 10 years away from retirement.

Fair enough......you had no premeditation and it happened naturally. I guess it will take time for her to adjust to being away from her family....and there will be ups and downs.

I met my lady online. i wasnt looking in america, in fact I was only interested in anyone within 10 miles from my hometown in NZ. she was looking for information about nz and contacted me. neither of us was after a long distance relationship but thats what happened. so its been 4 years and we hope to start the visa process soon......

[thongd4me 69]

I think this topic is way too controversial for this particular website because it hits a little too close to home. People in love cannot be objective, and this thread is gonna turn into a huge flame war, heh.

Oh, just for the record, I think the OP was talking about the initial motivation to join an int'l dating site in the first place...not the actual marriage. *shrug*

I think you're psychic

Flame wars? On VJ? Never saw one...

[Otto 83]

** Inappropriate Post Removed (and those quoting it).

Do we really need to be reminded that VJ is a multi-national/cultural site?

[Will Not]

Make comments in a Post either direct or implied toward another member that are purposely designed to upset, antagonize, make fun of, belittle, or otherwise instigate an argument that takes away from the personal enjoyment of the Service by other users

[darkangel1215 4]

"You know It hurts everytime people thinking like that. Especially people from ASIA!? you know i am Filipina, I live in 3rd world country and I met my husband through online. I married him because I LOVE HIM more than anything else in this world. He meets the criteria that I want in a GUY!!..He is a kindhearted person, loyal, nice and hardworking and especially he is YOUNG and have a nice body....."

Im trying to understand why young overseas attractive women marry much older out of shape overseas men from rich western countries. Why dont they marry young good looking guys from their own country......is there no-one nearby who "meets their criteria......why go online looking overseas in the first place. Forgive my skepticism but alot of people from my culture will be suspicious....and when you say especially he is young and have a nice body...sounds like thats the most important thing....but maybe its just the way youre saying it.....

Love is an evolving thing....it can grow or go.......I think the larger the age difference the risk of it going increases....of course each person is different. Some ladies/men are so loyal to the end......bless them...

it doesnt matter how he looks like. love matters why some people choose. Oh well... Im glad that i met my husband online.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Most single adults will start looking for a mate at some point - even young, beautiful Asian girls. Everyone has their short list of priorities when shopping for a spouse, and everyone is going to have some different items on that list, but there are some things that are common within a culture. For many Asian women, having a husband who is physically attractive is a nice bonus, but doesn't even rate in the top 10 requirements for a happy marriage. They want a husband who is stable, who will treat her kindly, who can provide for her and the family, who cares about her needs, and who will give her children. Basically, they want a happy and comfortable home. This is the culture they are raised in.

There's no doubt that many of these girls look for a mate from a western country for economic reasons. They may be able to find local guys who meet most of their criteria, and are even very good looking, but will never be able to provide them a comfortable living. This is the reality of living in a 3rd world country. If being financially stable and having a comfortable life for themselves and their family is high on their priority list, then they don't have much choice but to look beyond their borders for a spouse.

Women in America do the same thing. They also have a list of things they are looking for in a spouse, but they look for different things than Asian women. American women tend to focus more on what will make them happy personally, while Asian women focus more on a happy home and family. This reflects the difference in cultures between Asia and the US. American women are more concerned with physical attractiveness, and whether their life with their husband is going to be fun. This is the culture American women are raised in - they want to be a "Princess Barbie".

Obviously, I'm generalizing based on observation. Most women, whether Asian or American, tame their expectations with a dose of reality. They aren't going to get everything they dream of, so they just try to get as much as they can.

I think that this really only becomes a problem when the Asian woman is not serious about a relationship with her American spouse, but views him more as a stepping stone to achieve the financial level she could not achieve in her home country. Maybe she's already found a local guy who meets all of her requirements, except that he'll never be able to find a decent job in their home country. Maybe she plans to dump the fat old American at the first opportunity, and then help her real beau come to the US. It's a common scam, and the consulates watch out for it. Americans looking for an Asian wife also need to look out for it. There are plenty of girls who are seriously looking for a long-term husband, but there are also plenty of gold diggers.

I was never too worried about getting scammed in this way. My wife is in her mid 40's and I'm in my early 50's. She never shopped online for a husband, and had resigned herself to living the rest of her life as a single divorcee. Middle aged divorced women don't have a lot of prospects in her country. Both of us are average looking for our age, so there was no "young Asian babe" factor. We were introduced by her uncle, who was a friend of mine for years before he introduced us. When we first met face-to-face I could tell she was mentally going through her checklist to see if I met her requirements. In our conversations, it became clear to me that she would have readily called it off if I had any of the personality traits that would make me an undesirable husband. We spent a lot of time with her family, and they were also sizing me up, and asking a lot of questions. I have no doubt that improving her financial situation for herself and her family was high up on her list of priorities, but she wasn't willing to compromise on her other requirements. For this reason, I was convinced that she was looking for a husband and not simply a ticket to America.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

I think that Jim vaPhuong raises an excellent point when he states that Western women - and by the corollary, Western men - have different criteria for partners in relationships. The western culture is very appearance oriented - young, wealthy, keep up (or exceed) the Jones, being judged by how you look and who you hang out with, what you do for a living, etc. Individual desires are higher on the list than satisfying family desires. Sex with an attractive partner is a big 'I want' in Western culture, and we base our definition of 'attractive' on youth, physical fitness and certain facial characteristics. We are also into 'instant gratification' and a sense of 'being owed' or 'deserving' all that is available. This is probably alright in a dating environment, but there is so much more that is necessary to make a marriage work. Sex and physical attractiveness are the icing on a cake - it enhances what is already substantial and good - but by itself, it quickly pales and leaves you wondering if that is all that there is, and you feel like something is missing.

Marriage is a partnership between two individuals. While these individuals possess bodies, they also possess minds, personalities, 'hearts' (emotions) and 'souls' (spiritual life) and come equipped with personal experiences, backgrounds and future potentials. Each of us eventually learns what is really important to us in our marriage partners - for some, it is the meeting of minds, or the shared experiences, or the similar outlook and expectations from life. For some, this 'package' may come in a physically older, overweight, less than the societal description of attractive body - but the other qualities - the personality, the mind, the emotions, the soul - these more than compensate for any physical 'liabilities'.

I am the immigrant wife (although from a Western country myself) who met my husband on line. Long before the 'physical issue' came up, I had fallen in love with his mind, with his soul, with the person he showed himself to be through his actions and beliefs and conversation. He does not meet the societal standard of physically attractive but he is imminently huggable and kind and thoughtful and most attractive of all - he absolutely accepts me for who I am, personal liabilities and failings and faults as well as all of my more sterling qualities; he loves me as me. I have had relationships in the past with men who could pass for movie stars, but in the end, this is the man who I chose to marry.

I have no difficulty in understanding how a woman or man in another country who is looking for a marriage partner to love and who loves them back may choose an older, more life-experienced, less physically attractive man or woman because the other qualities are more important. 'Beauty' really is in the eye of the beholder.

Edited May 4, 2010 by Kathryn41

[Susita 175]

I think that Jim vaPhuong raises an excellent point when he states that Western women - and by the corollary, Western men - have different criteria for partners in relationships. The western culture is very appearance oriented - young, wealthy, keep up (or exceed) the Jones, being judged by how you look and who you hang out with, what you do for a living, etc. Individual desires are higher on the list than satisfying family desires. Sex with an attractive partner is a big 'I want' in Western culture, and we base our definition of 'attractive' on youth, physical fitness and certain facial characteristics. We are also into 'instant gratification' and a sense of 'being owed' or 'deserving' all that is available. This is probably alright in a dating environment, but there is so much more that is necessary to make a marriage work. Sex and physical attractiveness are the icing on a cake - it enhances what is already substantial and good - but by itself, it quickly pales and leaves you wondering if that is all that there is, and you feel like something is missing.

Marriage is a partnership between two individuals. While these individuals possess bodies, they also possess minds, personalities, 'hearts' (emotions) and 'souls' (spiritual life) and come equipped with personal experiences, backgrounds and future potentials. Each of us eventually learns what is really important to us in our marriage partners - for some, it is the meeting of minds, or the shared experiences, or the similar outlook and expectations from life. For some, this 'package' may come in a physically older, overweight, less than the societal description of attractive body - but the other qualities - the personality, the mind, the emotions, the soul - these more than compensate for any physical 'liabilities'.

I am the immigrant wife (although from a Western country myself) who met my husband on line. Long before the 'physical issue' came up, I had fallen in love with his mind, with his soul, with the person he showed himself to be through his actions and beliefs and conversation. He does not meet the societal standard of physically attractive but he is imminently huggable and kind and thoughtful and most attractive of all - he absolutely accepts me for who I am, personal liabilities and failings and faults as well as all of my more sterling qualities; he loves me as me. I have had relationships in the past with men who could pass for movie stars, but in the end, this is the man who I chose to marry.

I have no difficulty in understanding how a woman or man in another country who is looking for a marriage partner to love and who loves them back may choose an older, more life-experienced, less physically attractive man or woman because the other qualities are more important. 'Beauty' really is in the eye of the beholder.

Nicely put Kathryn

[alienlovechild 75]

I met my lady online. i wasnt looking in america, in fact I was only interested in anyone within 10 miles from my hometown in NZ. she was looking for information about nz and contacted me. neither of us was after a long distance relationship but thats what happened. so its been 4 years and we hope to start the visa process soon......

Oh another one of those online relationships that started innocent enough and lead to a questionable marriage. Believe it or not there are plenty of people that won't understand your situation as it's only fairly recently that people initially met online.

Edited May 4, 2010 by alienlovechild

[Allamericankiwi 14]

Those last couple of posts were very interesting and informative and answered some of my wonderings.....

Do you think that theres a big risk that once married for the more practical reasons, and once acclimated into the new culture and way of life and thinking of the western country, that the partner could fall in love with someone closer to their own age for the other reasons like physical attractiveness, fun, excitement......

[Trumplestiltskin 5,791]

I did see the 'they should be shot' comment....I took that as a bit of a flippant comment designed to provoke...I was just wondering if someone blatantly called others filth and suggested they be strung up.

All the "filth" comments came from him too. It was across numerous pages.