Whats the deal with Africans vs Blacks?!!

[Ama&yaw 1]

hmmm so maybe this is where I can post my frustration with my husband family! I really dont understand what the rivalry or issue with some Africans is against Black Americans.

My husbands family is sooooo crazy! They give him so much grief about us being married. Not really his family back in Ghana but the brother and sister in law he has here. Ever since he moved out of his brothers house, they have been spreading rumors and calling his family back home telling them that I am such an evil American. We opened a joint account so we have been putting our money in there together. Previously my husband had a account under his brother name,so when we got married the brother went and pulled the statement to see what he was buying for me or my kids. Its ridiculous.

Aside from all that mess, his family back home keeps calling and pleading with him to go back to his brothers house because there worried and scared for him. I really dont understand! They dont even know me and I have never done anything for them to act in such a way. In fact, the sister in law was very friendly with me before he moved out and stopped paying them rent. I really think thats the issue. When he was with them, they treated him like a nanny. He watched the kids, took the sister in law everywhere since she didint drive, paid them rent and still worked. Whenever they needed something to be picked up, they would ask him to get it with his money. Things like diapers, soap and maintencing the car. He never complained either which is crazy to me!

SO i think that the relatives here are just very jealous that he has left and is no longer helping them out. They have even gone to his Ghanian pastor at a local church and asked him to contact my husband to "discuss this issue". I really have no patience for this mess. I want to go and tell his brother (who I have never met becasue he has been deployed) and the sister and law, what I really feel! I know its a culture thing but I cannot take his passiveness. It really bothers me that he doesnt stick up for himself or me! He should just tell people to leave us out of there mouths and that we are married and to stay out of our relationship! But everytime someone calls, he has to feed into their stories and try and plead his case. I could really care less what everyone thinks and if they all believe what his brother says about Black Americans being evil, than they are just as ignorant and not worth acknowledging!

Has anyone gone through this before?? Any sugestions? Im really irritated with his family and with him at times...

[MensahLuv 4]

It would drive me crazy too if I had to deal with a guy who does not speak up and let people run over them. Seeing that she was nice to you before, I would say they are more so mad they have lost their financial support, nanny, and errand man. Seem as though they are selfish! How do they expect a married man to continue to pay rent at a place who no longer lives. Thats plain dumb! I would not conclude that the whole family is against you just yet. You right..they dont know you they are only going on what your brother and wife has said. I would sit down with the husband and try to work it out. If he doesn't do anything and it has a bad affect on you then you must do what is best for your happiness.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Rumors abound in the African people about things an American wife can do. They say that you will dial 911 at the first fight and send him to jail. That you don't know how to respect a man. The sense of family here is different and they know you don't just hand out money to the more distant family. Just hold strong and it will get better after some settling in.

[reeses16 8]

Ama,

Sorry to hear about your situation. As others have said, I don't think its an "African vs. Black" issue at all. From what you've posted, it seems to be about money and his not supporting his family in the ways that he used to since you two married. I'm sure when things are heated his family refers to you as a "Black American", but my guess is that is just how they describe you....if he married a White American, they'd be complaining about White Americans, or any other race/nationality combo for that reason.

Your hubby and you need to be on the same page. I know that culturally things are different in Ghana, all the things that he did for his brother and sister-in-law are accepted and its common to have other people intervene (ie. pastors etc). Figure out what you can and cannot tolerate as a couple. You husband needs to set his boundaries with his family. Unless one of your in-laws says something to you directly, I would stay out of it. Give your husband the chance to set the boundaries. Speak up if he doesn't do it, or if they don't get the message. Also, you're not speaking with them directly, so what you're getting is 2nd hand from your hubby...have him communicate the important stuff...not the petty name calling that aggravates the situation.

Also, I just peaked at your timeline. It looks like your romance and marriage happened very quickly. His family might just be unsure of what to expect from him. It seems like they used to be able to depend on him for many things and now they are missing it. Talking rationally could do wonders. I know its hard to talk (and think rationally) when emotions are high. But take time to think and talk it out with your hubby, the problem doesn't have to be solved in one day.

Best of luck to you! I'm sure it will work out.

[Ama&yaw 1]

Thanks Reese! Your advice is wonderful and I will take that into consideration. It just gets frustrating at times

[Ama&yaw 1]

It would drive me crazy too if I had to deal with a guy who does not speak up and let people run over them. Seeing that she was nice to you before, I would say they are more so mad they have lost their financial support, nanny, and errand man. Seem as though they are selfish! How do they expect a married man to continue to pay rent at a place who no longer lives. Thats plain dumb! I would not conclude that the whole family is against you just yet. You right..they dont know you they are only going on what your brother and wife has said. I would sit down with the husband and try to work it out. If he doesn't do anything and it has a bad affect on you then you must do what is best for your happiness.

Thanks for your kind words! He is a great man but I wish his family would just get off it and let us be!

Rumors abound in the African people about things an American wife can do. They say that you will dial 911 at the first fight and send him to jail. That you don't know how to respect a man. The sense of family here is different and they know you don't just hand out money to the more distant family. Just hold strong and it will get better after some settling in.

Thanks a lot! I hope it does get better! Thats his only family here and I wish we could all get along and have fun especially because he has small niece and nephews too!

[GabiandVi 34]

I'm sure what others have said about it being more that you are not African or from your husband's tribe than that you are Black is true. I'm sure if you were White or Hispanic, they would have the same problems with you. But there might be more involved since you are Black. I know that my husband expects a little more understanding, affinity, etc., with Africans, and he is more verbal about how African Americans are not really African, etc. He's not really negative toward African Americans, at least no more negative toward African Americans than Americans in general, but I do think he probably views them differently than he views White Americans. And as he sometimes refers to "you Americans," I'm sure if I were Black he would say things about "you Black Americans."

[ghanagal 2]

For a long time I have noticed my African American friends here hate African people and my African friends hate African Americans. The girlfriend from originally from Ghana and I had this discussion on Saturday. She said African Americans think their better than her!

As far as your issue with your husband’s family I feel you! I have the same situation with my husbands’ brothers and sisters here in the states. They all think I am an evil American too. My husband’s brother lives 20 minutes away and I have never met him, I think they are crazy. His one brother told my husband he will speak to him again when we get divorced that how could he go marry a white woman. His brothers have never spoken to him since we have been married. Honestly they have never met me so I don’t know what their beef is. Personally it’s none of anyone’s business. Who cares if I am white and he is African. It makes me angry but what are you going to do about it. When my husband was denied he visa I was mad in so many ways that nobody would help me find a lawyer, contribute to pay him, etc. I could not even get an affidavit of support letter from them for my rebuttal, not that we would ask but we know. My husband’s sister had never spoken to me in over a year and a half that we had been married and she found out I was headed to Ghana for Christmas this past December. She had her husband call to ask if they could mail me stuff to take. I was so angry but I said yes to do it for my husband’s parents. Fortunately they love me and respect me. His sister never called me not once and I have yet to hear from her husband again.

I feel you anger in so many ways.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

Actually my husbands family are fine with me being white, I know some of them are more accepting of white Americans than black ones. I was told it is all a matter of educational levels and willingness to co mingle customs. My husband and I both have engineering degrees. I know the wives of other Nigerians here are usually highly educated.

[taurean 0]

I keep typing and re-typing a response to this thread trying to write something that makes sense. Hopefully what I type here clearly represents how I feel about this issue. I think the *issues* that come up between Africans and Black Americans are deeply rooted in a lack of understanding and really knowing anything about the other. Most people on either side of the coin have not had prolonged exposure to the people in the other group and therefore tend to base a lot of their opinions on stereotypes, what they see in the media and anecdotal evidence from third parties. And typically this information tends to focus on the negative aspects of either group and rarely addresses the positive things and in some cases is just dead wrong. Further once people have that information, they tend not to explore further in trying to discovery similarities and commonalities in each other.

The only solution to repair the relationship between Africans and Black Americans in my mind is for people to open up their horizons and be more willing to be proven wrong. Easier said than done I know, but it's really the only solution.

To be fair this is a kind of loaded question and there are probably a myriad of reasons why there seem to be issues between us. My feelings on the matter are probably only the tip of the iceberg. There is a lot of work to be done to repair the mindsets on both sides of the equation.

To Ama&yaw: it sounds like you are getting a lot of third party information about how the family feels about you and your marriage to their brother/son. It may be beneficial to try and begin a relationship with your in-laws apart from your husband. Once his family really gets to know you as a person rather than "the wife" then maybe their minds might also be changed in a more positive way. If after that, they still want to hold on to their issues with you then I guess it's their problem, but I suggest not feeding into all of that. Perhaps talking to your husband in a way that kind of turns the tables might help. Start the conversation with something like "how would you feel if..." That seems to help me. Meeting the expectations of in-laws regardless of cultural issues can be a challenge, so all you can do is give your best and if that fails, you tried anyway.

[Ama&yaw 1]

For a long time I have noticed my African American friends here hate African people and my African friends hate African Americans. The girlfriend from originally from Ghana and I had this discussion on Saturday. She said African Americans think their better than her!

As far as your issue with your husband’s family I feel you! I have the same situation with my husbands’ brothers and sisters here in the states. They all think I am an evil American too. My husband’s brother lives 20 minutes away and I have never met him, I think they are crazy. His one brother told my husband he will speak to him again when we get divorced that how could he go marry a white woman. His brothers have never spoken to him since we have been married. Honestly they have never met me so I don’t know what their beef is. Personally it’s none of anyone’s business. Who cares if I am white and he is African. It makes me angry but what are you going to do about it. When my husband was denied he visa I was mad in so many ways that nobody would help me find a lawyer, contribute to pay him, etc. I could not even get an affidavit of support letter from them for my rebuttal, not that we would ask but we know. My husband’s sister had never spoken to me in over a year and a half that we had been married and she found out I was headed to Ghana for Christmas this past December. She had her husband call to ask if they could mail me stuff to take. I was so angry but I said yes to do it for my husband’s parents. Fortunately they love me and respect me. His sister never called me not once and I have yet to hear from her husband again.

I feel you anger in so many ways.

wow I really cn relate to you! You were very nice to accomadate his family though! Your much better than me. I dont get the issue with them. When we were dating the sister in law was friendly with me. I have two kids and she would tell them to call her auntie and her kids call me the same! I really believe its a control thing. Now they cant control my husband like a puppet and have him do their parental duties.

[Ama&yaw 1]

I keep typing and re-typing a response to this thread trying to write something that makes sense. Hopefully what I type here clearly represents how I feel about this issue. I think the *issues* that come up between Africans and Black Americans are deeply rooted in a lack of understanding and really knowing anything about the other. Most people on either side of the coin have not had prolonged exposure to the people in the other group and therefore tend to base a lot of their opinions on stereotypes, what they see in the media and anecdotal evidence from third parties. And typically this information tends to focus on the negative aspects of either group and rarely addresses the positive things and in some cases is just dead wrong. Further once people have that information, they tend not to explore further in trying to discovery similarities and commonalities in each other.

The only solution to repair the relationship between Africans and Black Americans in my mind is for people to open up their horizons and be more willing to be proven wrong. Easier said than done I know, but it's really the only solution.

To be fair this is a kind of loaded question and there are probably a myriad of reasons why there seem to be issues between us. My feelings on the matter are probably only the tip of the iceberg. There is a lot of work to be done to repair the mindsets on both sides of the equation.

To Ama&yaw: it sounds like you are getting a lot of third party information about how the family feels about you and your marriage to their brother/son. It may be beneficial to try and begin a relationship with your in-laws apart from your husband. Once his family really gets to know you as a person rather than "the wife" then maybe their minds might also be changed in a more positive way. If after that, they still want to hold on to their issues with you then I guess it's their problem, but I suggest not feeding into all of that. Perhaps talking to your husband in a way that kind of turns the tables might help. Start the conversation with something like "how would you feel if..." That seems to help me. Meeting the expectations of in-laws regardless of cultural issues can be a challenge, so all you can do is give your best and if that fails, you tried anyway.

Hi

Thanks for you advice. It was really an eye opener.

As far as me trying to build a relationship with my husband family, it would be very difficult. I know the main issue is, they are jealous. They didnt have a wedding, they don't have two cars (used lol) etc. I know this is the main issue because they continue to bring up those two points. Its absolutly petty and childish. My husband is fed up with them as of now. We both know that one day they will mend their issues and talk again. For now, the in laws pastor has contacted us to speak about the problem. I just dont understand why everyone has to become invovlved in this problem. It seriosuly has to be a culture thing because when someone in my family makes me mad, i dont go and tell my Pastor! My husband has been to the pastors church once and I have also met him once, but now he knows all our business thanks to the in laws. It kind of makes me laugh thinking about the lengths they have gone to and the lies they make up. They call his phone blocked and when I answer hang up or they get friends to call and get information on how we are living. Truly, I think they want us to fail or at least him too. As I said before, they would tell him that I'm "just going to divorce him or cancel his AOS application when I get mad". Lol. I dont know where they get this stuff from.

I am very open to other cultures and love learning new things. I hope they can stop being so judgemental and just be happy for us. I know that the wife is miserable with her husband. He cheats and they fight physically all the time. As they say, misery loves company...but we are not the ones.