How to Trust

[ceriserose 1]

Have you shared your fears with your husband? If not, why not?

Every relationship has it's "issues", whether they comes from one party, both parties, or the combining of both parties. The best way to deal with them, especially if it has the potential to affect your marriage and its stability, is to air them and work on them together.

I have a lot of issues that I brought to the marriage, as did my husband. We worked on a lot of them prior to the actual wedding...and while a lot of them are pretty much laid to rest, there are occasional times when the issues flare up unexpectedly. I can't stress enough how important communication is not only during the times of high stress but on an everyday basis.

And as for the counselling/therapy; to put it in perspective, you opened up your very personal subject on a message board of strangers. Therapy need be nothing more than opening up to a single person...only someone who is trained to help you work on and focus on what can help you to change the behavior you want changed. I was in counselling for years and the first day I was told that *I* was the one doing the work...the counsellor is there to guide you. Bottom line is, you need to be ready and willing to be honest with yourself to make it work. If you're not, then therapy isn't the answer. (Really, if you're not ready or willing to be honest with yourself to make it work, then it simply won't, counselling or not.)

Please note these are not things I'm asking you to divulge...it's merely food for thought. Only you know yourself and your space on any of this.

I hope you manage to figure it out.

[Jenn! 918]

Give me a break. Ok, so she has "trust issues", and "low self-esteem". Hasn't everyone got their own "issues"?

I don't think the OP's feelings are at all abnormal.

Ummmm really? So you think a "normal" marriage is one where your fear of being left is so paralyzing, you might leave your spouse first just to "beat them to the punch"? Really?

As I stated, two of the MAIN PARTS of a marriage are TRUST and COMMUNICATION...this issue of trust is WAY bigger than any "normal marriage" and needs to be addressed.

If this behavior seems NORMAL for your marriage...then maybe that's why your view is so skewed?

Umm, sorry, but can I say ###### on this board?

[Welshcookie 17]

[Jenn! 918]

Fine....

biotch then?

[Sister Fracas 5]

well that was helpful

[joej 0]

Give me a break. Ok, so she has "trust issues", and "low self-esteem". Hasn't everyone got their own "issues"?

I don't think the OP's feelings are at all abnormal.

Ummmm really? So you think a "normal" marriage is one where your fear of being left is so paralyzing, you might leave your spouse first just to "beat them to the punch"? Really?

As I stated, two of the MAIN PARTS of a marriage are TRUST and COMMUNICATION...this issue of trust is WAY bigger than any "normal marriage" and needs to be addressed.

If this behavior seems NORMAL for your marriage...then maybe that's why your view is so skewed?

I totally agree with Karo on this one. Ok here is another counseror talking. It seems like the OP only wants advise based on "what she wants to hear" so I don't see much point in advising her any further. Eventually she will realize the consequences of her irrational thoughts and or behaviors concerning her fiance.

[CarolineM 0]

You can call me whatever you want to to make yourself feel better Jenn....If you feel that calling me derogatory names helps YOU get through the day - go for it.

Good thing I could care less what strangers on the internet call me...

[joej 0]

"I also think that it is possible that she has cheated before or can imagine herself cheating on him".

"What?????? Where did you get that"?

In the simplest terms I can think of....mistrust for others may be the result of mistrust for onesself. Please note the words POSSIBLE and MAY. This is not to say that this is the OP's situation, merely a suggestion.

You can call me whatever you want to to make yourself feel better Jenn....If you feel that calling me derogatory names helps YOU get through the day - go for it.

Good thing I could care less what strangers on the internet call me...

I was so sorry to see that as well. Yet now I can understand why she thinks the OP's behavior is ok.

[CarolineM 0]

Hey to each his or her own - but if MY marriage was THAT full of distrust and worry - I'd be miserable.

But hey, who's to say what is and is not normal - if that is a reality for some people, I feel sorry for them

I love name calling on the internet....calling someone you've never even met a b**** just because you don't agree with them...Classy!

Edited February 17, 2006 by karo112

[Ephesia 0]

You can call me whatever you want to to make yourself feel better Jenn....If you feel that calling me derogatory names helps YOU get through the day - go for it.

Good thing I could care less what strangers on the internet call me...

[Welshcookie 17]

wasn't "Therapy" mentioned enough in this thread ??

take it....it isn't taboo any more.......

[Cassie 8]

wasn't "Therapy" mentioned enough in this thread ??

take it....it isn't taboo any more.......

I completely agree, I went to a therapist for a brief time while in university, and it was the best thing I could have done. Talking to someone completely objective from the situation I was in helped a lot.

[aussiewench 9]

I don't know...for what its worth....here's my 2 bob's worth.

I grew up with little confidence in myself as a person. Most of this resulted from my oversensitivity to people and things around me. Plus I have always looked at the world through rose colored glasses. Yet I also had a strength to somehow get through and as I've gotten older things are much better. Many a time I have suffered from depression which then in turn has caused self criticism, worthlessness, anxiety, stress...you name it. Yep it is self destructive. Sometimes its just not a matter of councelling.....councelling cannot change personality traits that one is born with.....only enviromental changes to a personality. I have always believed in love and had a great need to be married right from a young age. A need to be loved unconditionally.......a need for a man to complete me. Many have told me over the years that I dont....ooooook.......well I do and I'm proud of it. Yet with that has also come fears. Fears of losing. Though over time and maturity this has disappeared. It only happened with growth and experience. I still do, even with Dan, have some fears. But not from losing him as I AM 100% for the first time in my life that I have found all that I could ever wish for. What happens still now, as a result of my first marriage which was abusive, something will be said that will trigger and the fears I had with my first husband will come flooding back and I react to that. Dan is aware of it and is very supportive. I know he would never harm me.....and I know when I am feeling like this that it is irrational. It has gotten better with each passing year but still not completely healed.

To the OP..... you are aware of the irrational of the way you feel in regards to your fears.....what you need to do is find ways of strengthening yourself.....that can come in many ways....but mostly it will come from time and living life, each day taking a little more risk in letting go of the fears. Its also very important to talk to your husband.....share your fears and acknowledge to him your irrationality. There is no shame in that. I think some of your fears too will disappear once your family do meet him.

Not even sure if the little I shared of me even has any similarities to your situation, but perhaps it helps some in understanding that we are who we are and we are who we make ourselves.

Lorelle

Edited February 19, 2006 by aussiewench

[kc456 0]

Another thread is going up in flames! It happens often when people seek relationship advice -- it's not as clear cut as "what do I do about this form?" or "how soon after biometrics will I get my EAD?"

I agree with others that immigration forum is not the best place to get advice on how to trust your mates. I also believe that many posters underestimate people's willingness to judge and give advice. Once you come to an open forum, you kind of have to expect that.

[pj1959us 0]

OK, I have a question for you. I married my fiance after getting a K1 (me = us citizen, him = non-us citizen), and now I'm terrified. I love him and I know he loves me. He tells me every night that he would never leave me and he is happy that he is here with me. That no matter what country we go to he doesn't care, he just wants to be with me.

I know he is telling the truth, but I am terrified and I couldn't begin to tell you why. I am terrified that he is going to up and leave me one day. Everyone says you can never tell when it's going to happen, so how can I know that he's not going to leave me? I'm even afraid to change my name to his b/c what if he leaves me and I have his name forever as a reminder that I wasn't a good enough wife?

Everything is difficult as I help him adjust to life in the US, and my parents are completely against us getting married and have threatened disowning me. If I lose him, what do I have left?

My best friend is absolutely beautiful, married a US citizen and he cheated on her and filed for divorce. If someone is willing to divorce her, then how much worse is my situation? My aunt married a preacher who cheated on her and then divorced her. If a preacher will do such things, how much more an ordinary man?

Though I've always dreamed of being married, I'm terrified of it. Now that I'm sharing this with my husband he is terrified that I'm going to leave him because of it.

How do I put these fears at ease and enjoy being married and having someone to come home to? Someone who will call me at work and ask what I want for dinner so that he will have it made by the time I come. He always does the dishes and anything else he can to help out at home. He spends every day looking for a job and wants nothing more than to build and provide for a family.

Anyway, I just needed to get this out. If I continue to tell my husband alone it is going to hurt our relationship since I know that trust is necessary at the root of every relationship.

How do I let go of the fear?

One facet I haven't seen mentioned is that she is the USC...with that comes an enormous guilt that the non-USC cannot fathom. Who can possibly feel worthy for another to up and leave everything behind and come possibly across the world just to be with them?

I don't know if you have insecurity issues in your life already; if you do or don't, it will certainly be exacerbated by this and can easily become exaggerated. You have the normal adjusting any couple has to deal with beyond this factor. Words that someone will never leave become meaningless as you try to look into the future and the enormity of it is too much to bear. And, no, you can't explain why you feel that way. It is very difficult to help your loved one adjust to their new life, and any sign of unhappiness feels as if your world is going to crash down and only perpetuates that feeling of terror and guilt that you have disappointed him.

Realize that there are going to be stages your husband must go through in order to adjust living here. There will be good and bad days and sometimes you can become so frustrated because you can't HELP, except to offer a hug and a kiss and some understanding. Forget what has happened to other people. We all know horror stories about other's relationship. We can only take ownership of ourselves.

You must take each day as it comes, and wake up smiling and feeling grateful that you are loved and that you love someone. Take this opportunity you have been given to make him happy, and it will come back to you ten-fold. Put yourself in his place....how would you feel if he constantly had the fear that you were going to leave him, and didn't trust you or your love for him? Doesn't he have as much, or more, at stake than you? Why the misery?

Don't think beyond today...it is today that matters and you must embrace it and not waste it. Yesterday is past, the future is unknown, but today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. None of us know what will happen tomorrow and why waste a perfectly good day worrying about what may never happen? Worst case scenario, if you get a divorce, what do you have left? Well, you have YOU....and you CAN always change your name back, so that shouldn't be a concern (since you mentioned it).

The anxiety will ease with time, as your husband adapts to his new life living here...and it DOES take adjustment no matter where they are from, some more than others. Give yourself the time. Enjoy each other. Just be patient and know that these feelings will fade as your life settles into what it should.

To answer your question...you answered it yourself. How do you let it go...you just let it go. It really is that easy. It's just as easy to be optimistic about your new life as it is to be pessimistic. You think what you want and you are what you feel.

Best of luck to you and your new life together