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Filed: Citizen (pnd) Country: Australia
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I am a counselor/therapist.

Any time you get into ANY relationship - with a USC or not - you are putting your heart on the line and risking having your heart broken. Love has no guarantees! But what's the alternative? Living in fear? Never trusting? Never loving someone because you are too afraid of what COULD happen?

In my honest opinion, you do seem to have issues that transcend this particular relationship. The fear in which you are living comes from somewhere? Bad relationship? Parents? Just a "gut" feeling...

And I do believe that therapy WOULD be a good option for you. You say that you "have no idea why" you feel that way - and this could help you. Being married and having such an irrational, non substantiated fear is NOT normal....

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this - but I can tell you constant fear like that can teat a marriage apart. A marriage is supposed to be based on TRUST and COMMUNICATION and if those two pilars aren't there - trouble could arise.

Finally finished with immigration in 2012!

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Thailand
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The more you worry the less you will get out of your relationship. You must absolutely FORCE yourself to trust him. That is #1! How can you have a relationship if you have one foot out the door, as it were? Surrender yourself (worries and all) to the FACT that you have a mutually faithful, loving and respectful relationship.

You are right that no one can predict the future... but all it takes is a slight shift in that reasoning to see that you are suffering exactly BECAUSE you are predicting a NEGATIVE future. Beware, beware, beware- it is you that can make this come true (self-fulfilling prophecy).

Ever hear of "tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"? Try to live like that. You, and your man will feel much happier in the relationship because of it.

I wish you success in your marriage.

-mike

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fnord!

"Of COURSE there's no God... there's nothing BUT God!"

"what shall we say, shall we call it by a name? As well as count the angels dancin' on a pin?" -Let it Grow by the Grateful Dead

"Inspiration, move me brightly. Light the song with sense and color--hold away despair... more than this I will not ask, faced with myst'ries dark and vast... statements just seem vain at last... ... ... ... ..."

-another Dead tune-

We f*cking RULE!!! All other K1'rs pale in comparison to our mighty relationship. We will usher in a new era of rock-osity to this faded world. Prepare yourselves for the party. Hope you like tofu and karaoke.

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Wow, lots of pseudo-psychologists in here. Most recommending therapy.

Give me a break. Ok, so she has "trust issues", and "low self-esteem". Hasn't everyone got their own "issues"?

I don't think the OP's feelings are at all abnormal.

How do you let go of the fear? Trusting someone is always difficult at the beginning of a relationship, unless you're totally naive. Trust isn't gained immediately, people earn it. That's why you probably trust your immediate family a bit more than your new husband - you've known them for a lot longer. Marriage is always a risk, because we ultimately do not have control over other people's feelings or decisions. I think you will feel better as your relationship progresses - you'll constantly be gathering proof of his love for you and his trustworthiness. Time will bring peace of mind, not therapy, IMHO.

Amendment to post:

After reading your original post, I noticed that you probably do NOT trust your immediate family that much. Maybe working on your relationship with them will help your relationship with your husband?

Thank you.

I do think that this is normal as I have heard of other people having the same issues. I just want to know of practical ways to overcome it. I'm not going to run to a therapist just because my self esteem may be low. Perhaps I'll start watching the old SNL clips: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me."

I think the problem with my family is that I trust them too much and their disapproval of my husband is making me question whether they are telling the truth or whether he is. They have actually never met him, so their views of him are a little jaded. I think they will love him, but I'm still worried b/c I have never gone agains what my parents have wanted me to do. They will meet him in two weeks and I'm terrified as to what is going to happen.

I agree that time is the healer, and I suppose I will just have to wait patiently for the fears to be set at ease.

I do not want a divorce from my husband. I never want a divorce from my husband.

I have never cheated and have never been cheated on.

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Filed: Citizen (pnd) Country: Australia
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Give me a break. Ok, so she has "trust issues", and "low self-esteem". Hasn't everyone got their own "issues"?

I don't think the OP's feelings are at all abnormal.

Ummmm really? So you think a "normal" marriage is one where your fear of being left is so paralyzing, you might leave your spouse first just to "beat them to the punch"? Really?

As I stated, two of the MAIN PARTS of a marriage are TRUST and COMMUNICATION...this issue of trust is WAY bigger than any "normal marriage" and needs to be addressed.

If this behavior seems NORMAL for your marriage...then maybe that's why your view is so skewed?

Finally finished with immigration in 2012!

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Filed: K-1 Visa Country: England
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I don't know your background, nor am I a psychologist, but life's experiences can make us build barriers to protect ourselves. It takes time, and a loving, understanding partner, to sometimes break those barriers down, a little at a time.

Our journey started in 2001 and it's still not over. It's been a rollercoaster ride all the way! Let me off - I wanna be sick!

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Filed: Country: England
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Wow, lots of pseudo-psychologists in here. Most recommending therapy.

Give me a break. Ok, so she has "trust issues", and "low self-esteem". Hasn't everyone got their own "issues"?

I don't think the OP's feelings are at all abnormal.

How do you let go of the fear? Trusting someone is always difficult at the beginning of a relationship, unless you're totally naive. Trust isn't gained immediately, people earn it. That's why you probably trust your immediate family a bit more than your new husband - you've known them for a lot longer. Marriage is always a risk, because we ultimately do not have control over other people's feelings or decisions. I think you will feel better as your relationship progresses - you'll constantly be gathering proof of his love for you and his trustworthiness. Time will bring peace of mind, not therapy, IMHO.

Amendment to post:

After reading your original post, I noticed that you probably do NOT trust your immediate family that much. Maybe working on your relationship with them will help your relationship with your husband?

Thank you.

I do think that this is normal as I have heard of other people having the same issues. I just want to know of practical ways to overcome it. I'm not going to run to a therapist just because my self esteem may be low. Perhaps I'll start watching the old SNL clips: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me."

I think the problem with my family is that I trust them too much and their disapproval of my husband is making me question whether they are telling the truth or whether he is. They have actually never met him, so their views of him are a little jaded. I think they will love him, but I'm still worried b/c I have never gone agains what my parents have wanted me to do. They will meet him in two weeks and I'm terrified as to what is going to happen.

I agree that time is the healer, and I suppose I will just have to wait patiently for the fears to be set at ease.

I do not want a divorce from my husband. I never want a divorce from my husband.

I have never cheated and have never been cheated on.

Being terrified constantly that he is going to leave you seems normal? Well, ok...then I guess you got the advice you were looking for from jenn!

Edited by Frances

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Ummmm really? So you think a "normal" marriage is one where your fear of being left is so paralyzing, you might leave your spouse first just to "beat them to the punch"? Really?

If you will look back, it was never me who said that I would leave my spouse first just to "beat them to the punch". Someone else suggested that.

I wonder if you have ever had a bad day. Have you ever looked into a person's diary and seen that they have stated the worst just to get a point across and vent for the day? The following day or even the moment they set their journal down, they are fine because they have gotten out what they need to say?

People here (USA) are much too sensitive that when a person throws a toe over the line you think they are going to self destruct if they don't get "professional" help. People are stronger than you think.

I wish I lived in your perfect world.

Edited by TrustMe
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Filed: Citizen (pnd) Country: Australia
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Though I've always dreamed of being married, I'm terrified of it. Now that I'm sharing this with my husband he is terrified that I'm going to leave him because of it.

So what did you mean by that line then?

If you're having a bad day, fine - but don't expect to post something like this on a PUBLIC FORUM, ask for advice and then complain because you don't like what you hear.

Sorry to be honest but your fears are more than the average couple. Being so afraid that he's going to leave you that you won't change your name? I mean honestly, I've been a counselor for five years now...and this is not normal.

sorry

Finally finished with immigration in 2012!

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Though I've always dreamed of being married, I'm terrified of it. Now that I'm sharing this with my husband he is terrified that I'm going to leave him because of it.

So what did you mean by that line then?

If you're having a bad day, fine - but don't expect to post something like this on a PUBLIC FORUM, ask for advice and then complain because you don't like what you hear.

My husband, not me.

My complaint is the same as your own. Merely a defense mechanism. So I'll see you in group counseling? My mother is a counselour, she'll be happy to lead the group.

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Personally....I would rather seek help from a therapist than an immigration site.....but thats up to you.

PPl offer their views when you asked but you just get pissy.....hope things improve for you soon tho'.....

Edited by welshcookie
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Filed: Citizen (pnd) Country: Australia
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?? What? I don't have a complaint - I'm not the one asking for any help? Group counseling?

Sorry you've lost me. Just a tip for future reference...why get defensive when YOU ASKED FOR HELP?

Finally finished with immigration in 2012!

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Filed: Country: England
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My best friend is absolutely beautiful, married a US citizen and he cheated on her and filed for divorce. If someone is willing to divorce her, then how much worse is my situation? My aunt married a preacher who cheated on her and then divorced her. If a preacher will do such things, how much more an ordinary man?

This also seemed telling to me....

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31 Dec 2003 MARRIED
26 Jan 2004 Filed I130; 23 May 2005 Received Visa
30 Jun 2005 Arrived at Chicago POE
02 Apr 2007 Filed I751; 22 May 2008 Received 10-yr green card
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I would hate to advise you myself as I'm not qualified. It sounds like you have some anxiety/nervousness worries and really these can be best resolved by finding ways to cope with them.

There are a variety of different councelling and therapy methods out there. Go see your family doctor and have a chat with him/her. Explain that you are having these problems and would like to be able to cope better with them. They should be able to refer you to someone who can help you.

These are quite common fears, however if they become dominant in the way you think about your marriage/partner they can be very destructive. It's good that you are realising what you are doing now and it's certainly something that can be helped. You just have to want to help yourself.

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Filed: Citizen (pnd) Country: Australia
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I would hate to advise you myself as I'm not qualified. It sounds like you have some anxiety/nervousness worries and really these can be best resolved by finding ways to cope with them.

There are a variety of different councelling and therapy methods out there. Go see your family doctor and have a chat with him/her. Explain that you are having these problems and would like to be able to cope better with them. They should be able to refer you to someone who can help you.

These are quite common fears, however if they become dominant in the way you think about your marriage/partner they can be very destructive. It's good that you are realising what you are doing now and it's certainly something that can be helped. You just have to want to help yourself.

Sure you aren't qualified? That is EXCELLENT advise.

Finally finished with immigration in 2012!

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Filed: AOS (apr) Country: Canada
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First of all i just want to say that its "normal" to get defensive when you ask for help and it seems all anyone is telling you is that you need therapy. I would get defensive too if i asked for help and all i got was "you need therapy" While therapy is in no ways a bad thing, in many ways it does have a bit of a bad rep. Because of this, its often thought that those who are in therapy are unstable and uncapable of dealing with things themselves. This is not true. For many people therapy can just be another way of getting things out into the open with someone who is removed from the issuse. Which is what TrustMe seems to be trying to do here. Anyways..

I have some suggestions for you TrustMe.. When you start to feel afraid about your husband, remind yourself that he loves you. He has moved far from home to be with you and tells you every day that he loves you. Perhaps in time, if you repeat it to yourself you might start to believe it. (i'm good enough i'm smart enough and gosh darn it he loves me!)

Also remember that your family does not know this man the way you do. I hope that when they meet him, they will understand why you married him and will no longer speak badly about him, since i think that isn't helping anything either. But i'm sure they will. He seems very sweet and from what you 've said i know he loves you very much.

Trust is hard sometimes. I've been married to my husband for almost a year now and i still need reassurances every day that he loves me. I have to make myself believe him sometimes and need to remind myself that he loves me. Its not him, its just something I have to work on. Trust might not come easy for you in this situation, but if you work on it, I think eventually you will trust him.

Personally, I think everyone would benefit from therapy at some point and for some issue(s) in their lives. Also, I dont think there is any such thing as "normal" (and therefore "abnormal") People are people and everyone is unique.

I wish you the best in this TrustMe, I know eventually you will trust your husband and dont forget to just enjoy that he's there and that he loves you. *hugs* Take care

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