How to Trust

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

OK, I have a question for you. I married my fiance after getting a K1 (me = us citizen, him = non-us citizen), and now I'm terrified. I love him and I know he loves me. He tells me every night that he would never leave me and he is happy that he is here with me. That no matter what country we go to he doesn't care, he just wants to be with me.

I know he is telling the truth, but I am terrified and I couldn't begin to tell you why. I am terrified that he is going to up and leave me one day. Everyone says you can never tell when it's going to happen, so how can I know that he's not going to leave me? I'm even afraid to change my name to his b/c what if he leaves me and I have his name forever as a reminder that I wasn't a good enough wife?

Everything is difficult as I help him adjust to life in the US, and my parents are completely against us getting married and have threatened disowning me. If I lose him, what do I have left?

My best friend is absolutely beautiful, married a US citizen and he cheated on her and filed for divorce. If someone is willing to divorce her, then how much worse is my situation? My aunt married a preacher who cheated on her and then divorced her. If a preacher will do such things, how much more an ordinary man?

Though I've always dreamed of being married, I'm terrified of it. Now that I'm sharing this with my husband he is terrified that I'm going to leave him because of it.

How do I put these fears at ease and enjoy being married and having someone to come home to? Someone who will call me at work and ask what I want for dinner so that he will have it made by the time I come. He always does the dishes and anything else he can to help out at home. He spends every day looking for a job and wants nothing more than to build and provide for a family.

Anyway, I just needed to get this out. If I continue to tell my husband alone it is going to hurt our relationship since I know that trust is necessary at the root of every relationship.

How do I let go of the fear?

One facet I haven't seen mentioned is that she is the USC...with that comes an enormous guilt that the non-USC cannot fathom. Who can possibly feel worthy for another to up and leave everything behind and come possibly across the world just to be with them?

I don't know if you have insecurity issues in your life already; if you do or don't, it will certainly be exacerbated by this and can easily become exaggerated. You have the normal adjusting any couple has to deal with beyond this factor. Words that someone will never leave become meaningless as you try to look into the future and the enormity of it is too much to bear. And, no, you can't explain why you feel that way. It is very difficult to help your loved one adjust to their new life, and any sign of unhappiness feels as if your world is going to crash down and only perpetuates that feeling of terror and guilt that you have disappointed him.

Realize that there are going to be stages your husband must go through in order to adjust living here. There will be good and bad days and sometimes you can become so frustrated because you can't HELP, except to offer a hug and a kiss and some understanding. Forget what has happened to other people. We all know horror stories about other's relationship. We can only take ownership of ourselves.

You must take each day as it comes, and wake up smiling and feeling grateful that you are loved and that you love someone. Take this opportunity you have been given to make him happy, and it will come back to you ten-fold. Put yourself in his place....how would you feel if he constantly had the fear that you were going to leave him, and didn't trust you or your love for him? Doesn't he have as much, or more, at stake than you? Why the misery?

Don't think beyond today...it is today that matters and you must embrace it and not waste it. Yesterday is past, the future is unknown, but today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. None of us know what will happen tomorrow and why waste a perfectly good day worrying about what may never happen? Worst case scenario, if you get a divorce, what do you have left? Well, you have YOU....and you CAN always change your name back, so that shouldn't be a concern (since you mentioned it).

The anxiety will ease with time, as your husband adapts to his new life living here...and it DOES take adjustment no matter where they are from, some more than others. Give yourself the time. Enjoy each other. Just be patient and know that these feelings will fade as your life settles into what it should.

To answer your question...you answered it yourself. How do you let it go...you just let it go. It really is that easy. It's just as easy to be optimistic about your new life as it is to be pessimistic. You think what you want and you are what you feel.

Best of luck to you and your new life together

Wow pj, I'm so glad you're back and posting on VJ. That was awesome.

[TrustMe 0]

As some of you have said, perhaps I do need counseling. But as others have said, everyone needs counseling. I get much more help out of writing my fears than out of talking to a counselor. Even so, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

No one is perfect. No one is normal. These are my fears that I have voiced. I used to never voice them and was perceived of as near perfect and cool headed. I have opened myself up to criticism here and I realize that. Everyone of us has some similar issue which could be seen by others as horrible but as they are never stated, the person is seen as the ideal that we all want to be.

As for me, I am doing better but am still nervous for the day that my family will finally meet my husband.

Thank you, pj1959us and aussiewench for your honest words.

I have spent my entire life trying to be independent being able to do everything on my own without needing some guy to provide for me or give reassurance to me. Now I'm trying to let go of the independence streak and be completely vulnerable to my husband when I've never really been completely vulnerable to anyone. That is new and frightening and taking some time to get used to.

As for being abused, I was in one relationship that went south fast, but after I went running from his house, I never spoke to him again and I looked carefully to avoid the controlling type again.

I hope you all have a good holiday.

TrustMe

[malydon 0]

OK, I have a question for you. I married my fiance after getting a K1 (me = us citizen, him = non-us citizen), and now I'm terrified. I love him and I know he loves me. He tells me every night that he would never leave me and he is happy that he is here with me. That no matter what country we go to he doesn't care, he just wants to be with me.

I know he is telling the truth, but I am terrified and I couldn't begin to tell you why. I am terrified that he is going to up and leave me one day. Everyone says you can never tell when it's going to happen, so how can I know that he's not going to leave me? I'm even afraid to change my name to his b/c what if he leaves me and I have his name forever as a reminder that I wasn't a good enough wife?

Everything is difficult as I help him adjust to life in the US, and my parents are completely against us getting married and have threatened disowning me. If I lose him, what do I have left?

My best friend is absolutely beautiful, married a US citizen and he cheated on her and filed for divorce. If someone is willing to divorce her, then how much worse is my situation? My aunt married a preacher who cheated on her and then divorced her. If a preacher will do such things, how much more an ordinary man?

Though I've always dreamed of being married, I'm terrified of it. Now that I'm sharing this with my husband he is terrified that I'm going to leave him because of it.

How do I put these fears at ease and enjoy being married and having someone to come home to? Someone who will call me at work and ask what I want for dinner so that he will have it made by the time I come. He always does the dishes and anything else he can to help out at home. He spends every day looking for a job and wants nothing more than to build and provide for a family.

Anyway, I just needed to get this out. If I continue to tell my husband alone it is going to hurt our relationship since I know that trust is necessary at the root of every relationship.

How do I let go of the fear?

Honestly

You do need therapy and possibly medication.

Please get help soon. You will both be better off. Your fears are irrational.

Mike

[ceriserose 1]

Honestly

You do need therapy and possibly medication.

Please get help soon. You will both be better off. Your fears are irrational.

Mike

I love it when people only read the first post without the 4 pages in between.

It's especially funny when the post right above theirs is the OP's latest response.

To the OP: I hope things work out for you, however you decide to proceed.

[de_sjiem 0]

Honestly

You do need therapy and possibly medication.

Please get help soon. You will both be better off. Your fears are irrational.

Mike

Why the @#^$ (insert your own explative here) does she need medication??? With well over 50% of marriages today ending in divorce her fears are hardly irrational.. Nice that you never bothered to read any of the other posts or even the posts she wrote herself... Her even just posting this out here was therapy in and of itself since she was getting it off her chest. Heck, its even therapeutic to tell your dog what's bothering you! Damned americans who think drugs are the answer to everything.. Drugs in the psychological/psychiatric area are basically hit and miss trial and error method.. In the OP's case, drugs would likely do much more harm than good.. Know what you are talking about before you give advice!!!

Edited to apologize to the normal americans who dont think drugs are the answer to every wrinkle in life...

Edited February 20, 2006 by de_sjiem

[almaty 19]

I am a counselor/therapist.

Any time you get into ANY relationship - with a USC or not - you are putting your heart on the line and risking having your heart broken. Love has no guarantees! But what's the alternative? Living in fear? Never trusting? Never loving someone because you are too afraid of what COULD happen?

In my honest opinion, you do seem to have issues that transcend this particular relationship. The fear in which you are living comes from somewhere? Bad relationship? Parents? Just a "gut" feeling...

And I do believe that therapy WOULD be a good option for you. You say that you "have no idea why" you feel that way - and this could help you. Being married and having such an irrational, non substantiated fear is NOT normal....

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this - but I can tell you constant fear like that can teat a marriage apart. A marriage is supposed to be based on TRUST and COMMUNICATION and if those two pilars aren't there - trouble could arise.

good advice therapist karo.....

[Chuckles 0]

Honestly

You do need therapy and possibly medication.

Please get help soon. You will both be better off. Your fears are irrational.

Mike

Why the @#^$ (insert your own explative here) does she need medication??? With well over 50% of marriages today ending in divorce her fears are hardly irrational.. Nice that you never bothered to read any of the other posts or even the posts she wrote herself... Her even just posting this out here was therapy in and of itself since she was getting it off her chest. Heck, its even therapeutic to tell your dog what's bothering you! Damned americans who think drugs are the answer to everything.. Drugs in the psychological/psychiatric area are basically hit and miss trial and error method.. In the OP's case, drugs would likely do much more harm than good.. Know what you are talking about before you give advice!!!

Edited to apologize to the normal americans who dont think drugs are the answer to every wrinkle in life...

mmmm... DRUGS !!!

Edited February 20, 2006 by Chuckles

[Jaylen Brit 0]

We all worry but we don't all dwell obsessively on it - if the OP isn't doing that (tho from her post it sounds like she might be) then I apologise.

When I first met len i used to worry - I mean a LOT that he might cheat.

I got paranoid and weird..really I hated it - but I was 'sure' he'd end up doing it. It wasn't a trust issue..it was a self-belief issue. He had never been a cheater in his relationship history and in fact abhors cheating and dishonesty in any form. So it wasn't from HIM I was getting 'vibes' it was from ME.

One day after yet again stressing over why I hadn't seen him for a few days (I blush thinking about it now,lol) I suddenly realised that whether I worried or NOT, he might cheat.

That it didn't matter one diddly-squat how much i worried or obsessed it would not and COULD NOT change his choices.

Because they were HIS choices and not mine.

So, I could worry and fret and feel awful, wondering if he was playing around (MY choice to feel that way) or just stop worrying about something over which I ultimately had no control (my alternate choice).

Worrying would not stop a damn thing..but going on and ON about it (where've you been, who did you talk to, why weren't you HERE etc etc) certainly MIGHT.

It was one of those lightbulb over the head moments.

I stopped worrying about it (it took some time to feel comfortable not doing it but I got there) and relaxed.

Did he cheat? No..and I don't think it would ever had crossed his mind (although I DO think if I'd got really bad witht he worrying and stuff I might have PUT the idea there as a viable alternative to being cross-questioned, which was the way it might have gone had I not wised up); he wasn't and isn't the type.

But THAT'S the place you need to get to in your head TrustMe. The place where you know 'hey yeah I'm a good catch, why would he WANT anyone else?'

If mine did he'd be a fool - thats not ego talking thats faith and confidence.

Now I don't stress over that - and I think back to how I was and mentally cringe - it was overly needy and caused by lack of self-confidence. And that's never an attractive trait.

I really hope you work it thru - at least you're aware it IS a potential problem and aren't ignoring it so thats a good first step.

[mandolinv 0]

Okay, well this may all have been talked to death, but I took the time to read all the posts (yes, all 4 pages in one sitting) and feel like I want to put my 2 cents in. . A lot of this has already been said in some form, but not in the exact way or context I would say it. So, I may be repeating some, but I feel I am saying it in a different or indepth way (could just be that I like to hear myself talk ).

I don't think it is a matter of trustme needing therapy or not. I think she needs some help (and she thinks she needs some help and that is why she asked for it). It could be therapy (I don't see anything wrong with that). It could be simply posting here. It could be talking to friends. It could be talking to herself and really analyzing what she is feeling and why and dealing with it. The issue is that she wants to change things and that is the first the step in any growth. So, whether it be therapy, talking, etc.. , it is the self growth that she desires and every poster after her agrees with her (they just disagree about how she should do that). Well, it is her life, so she has to decide how to do that !

I think that her feelings of lack of trust (for him, but even more so in her ability to keep him) are what everyone feels at some point. The issue here is that she feels that these feelings are happening too offten and to too great of a degree. So, it doesn't matter whether they are normal or abnormal. They are there and they are something she wants to work on. That is all that matters (not lables and the conotations of right and wrong that are attached to them!).

One person got mad about the use of religion in helping the OP to deal with this. I don't specifically disagree with what that poster said, even though I personally don't follow any specific religion. I think that if a God or Gods, or some higher power will help the origional poster deal with what she is dealing with and help her make the journey through this time easier, then go for it. If not, the you can easilly diregard what the person said. It isn't a matter of whether that was good or bad advices. The OP can take it or leave it like any of the advise given to her here.

Worry is worry and some people worry. I am a worrier. It is something that I amNOT happy about myself and am working on changing. But it is a difficult change and a long process. I decided that worry was something that was a part of me, but it wasn't productive. I realized that the things I was worring about (and I worried/worry about everything) were going to happen whether I worried about them or not. The worring wasn't effecting the situation/outcome, just how I felt on a daily basis (and to some degree how my SO felt). I decided that I would put a consciencetious effort into not worrying. Not because I felt it was wrong, but because it was making me unhappy. I am not saying that I don't worry. Worry creeps it's ugly head in all the time. I am just better at letting go of it an not letting it consume me.

I want the OP to know that you are making a choice to make this journey into change. It is a difficult process and you need to decide what you want to gain from it and where you want to end up (example- do you not want to worry at all? Do you want to worry less so it doesn't interfeer with life? Are you not looking at changing the worry, but how you deal with it etc.. Where do you want to end up?). That is the first step. Then you can make a plan on how to get there. That plan will have to be your plan based on everything everyone here says to you. It can be through talking with family, friends, spouse, therapist, or simply creating a self-talk plan. The main step is that you are aware that you want to make this chang. Now, you have to figure out how to go about that.

No one can tell you exactly how to do that. Everyone grows and journeys through life in different ways. I would suggest reading though these posts again with fresh eyes ignoring anything that isn't giving you suggestions on what you were asking. After reading all of these, decide what part of them you want to take and what you want to discard. Do the same with you talk to friends, family, etc.. and when you come up with ideas on your own. Then make your plan. If it is working, stick to it. If it is not, go back, do the same thing again, and make changes.

And remember. This is a process that takes time and energy and won't happen over night. Breath deep and focus on the positive things about yourself. I hope that in time, you are able to get to the place that is right for you in this journey.

[Jenn! 918]

You can call me whatever you want to to make yourself feel better Jenn....If you feel that calling me derogatory names helps YOU get through the day - go for it.

Good thing I could care less what strangers on the internet call me...

Ooh, yes, I need something to help me get through the day. I must have issues, and I better go see a COUNSELOR.

The "derogatory name" was in response to your accusation that MY marriage must be unhealthy because you disagreed with the advice I gave the OP.

I must say that I am very upset after reading through all of the posts since I left this topic.

And everyone went ahead and agreed with Karo, saying some horrible things just because I got angry at what she implied about me and called her a name. In my opinion, her statement to me was too personal, presumptious and uncalled for.

I did not use a derogatory term because I disagreed with Karo's opinion, but because she directly insulted me.

I am allowed to have an opinion too, even though I'm not a counselor. And just because what I think might necessarily be different, tehre is no need to insult me because of it.

[TracyTN 237]

[CarolineM 0]

i'm amazed at how personally people take things here.

It was in no way a PERSONAL attack because to be PERSONAL i'd have to know you. And I don't.

If you feel the need to call me names, take my comments personally, and then defend your actions to strangers....go ahead.

I never ONCE said you needed counseling...that was all you. I'd say your best course of action now is to LET THIS GO. It's an internet forum. You are talking with strangers....relax and release!

[Jenn! 918]

Give me a break. Ok, so she has "trust issues", and "low self-esteem". Hasn't everyone got their own "issues"?

I don't think the OP's feelings are at all abnormal.

Ummmm really? So you think a "normal" marriage is one where your fear of being left is so paralyzing, you might leave your spouse first just to "beat them to the punch"? Really?

As I stated, two of the MAIN PARTS of a marriage are TRUST and COMMUNICATION...this issue of trust is WAY bigger than any "normal marriage" and needs to be addressed.

If this behavior seems NORMAL for your marriage...then maybe that's why your view is so skewed?

I took this personally.

[Welshcookie 17]

And everyone went ahead and agreed with Karo, saying some horrible things just because I got angry at what she implied about me and called her a name.

I know you feel upset now....but that statement is just wrong.....I suggest you re read

[CarolineM 0]

notice the conditional word used... "IF"

If this behavior seems NORMAL for your marriage...then maybe that's why your view is so skewed?