How to Trust

[TrustMe 0]

OK, I have a question for you. I married my fiance after getting a K1 (me = us citizen, him = non-us citizen), and now I'm terrified. I love him and I know he loves me. He tells me every night that he would never leave me and he is happy that he is here with me. That no matter what country we go to he doesn't care, he just wants to be with me.

I know he is telling the truth, but I am terrified and I couldn't begin to tell you why. I am terrified that he is going to up and leave me one day. Everyone says you can never tell when it's going to happen, so how can I know that he's not going to leave me? I'm even afraid to change my name to his b/c what if he leaves me and I have his name forever as a reminder that I wasn't a good enough wife?

Everything is difficult as I help him adjust to life in the US, and my parents are completely against us getting married and have threatened disowning me. If I lose him, what do I have left?

My best friend is absolutely beautiful, married a US citizen and he cheated on her and filed for divorce. If someone is willing to divorce her, then how much worse is my situation? My aunt married a preacher who cheated on her and then divorced her. If a preacher will do such things, how much more an ordinary man?

Though I've always dreamed of being married, I'm terrified of it. Now that I'm sharing this with my husband he is terrified that I'm going to leave him because of it.

How do I put these fears at ease and enjoy being married and having someone to come home to? Someone who will call me at work and ask what I want for dinner so that he will have it made by the time I come. He always does the dishes and anything else he can to help out at home. He spends every day looking for a job and wants nothing more than to build and provide for a family.

Anyway, I just needed to get this out. If I continue to tell my husband alone it is going to hurt our relationship since I know that trust is necessary at the root of every relationship.

How do I let go of the fear?

[Lilith** 0]

How do I let go of the fear?

You need therapy....you have unresolved issues that go way beyond this relationship.....I wish you all the best...

[Chuckles 0]

OK, I have a question for you. I married my fiance after getting a K1 (me = us citizen, him = non-us citizen), and now I'm terrified. I love him and I know he loves me. He tells me every night that he would never leave me and he is happy that he is here with me. That no matter what country we go to he doesn't care, he just wants to be with me.

I know he is telling the truth, but I am terrified and I couldn't begin to tell you why. I am terrified that he is going to up and leave me one day. Everyone says you can never tell when it's going to happen, so how can I know that he's not going to leave me? I'm even afraid to change my name to his b/c what if he leaves me and I have his name forever as a reminder that I wasn't a good enough wife?

Everything is difficult as I help him adjust to life in the US, and my parents are completely against us getting married and have threatened disowning me. If I lose him, what do I have left?

My best friend is absolutely beautiful, married a US citizen and he cheated on her and filed for divorce. If someone is willing to divorce her, then how much worse is my situation? My aunt married a preacher who cheated on her and then divorced her. If a preacher will do such things, how much more an ordinary man?

Though I've always dreamed of being married, I'm terrified of it. Now that I'm sharing this with my husband he is terrified that I'm going to leave him because of it.

How do I put these fears at ease and enjoy being married and having someone to come home to? Someone who will call me at work and ask what I want for dinner so that he will have it made by the time I come. He always does the dishes and anything else he can to help out at home. He spends every day looking for a job and wants nothing more than to build and provide for a family.

Anyway, I just needed to get this out. If I continue to tell my husband alone it is going to hurt our relationship since I know that trust is necessary at the root of every relationship.

How do I let go of the fear?

It sounds like commitment is not for you. Everything in life can be a risk. If you cannot deal with that perhaps you are doing the wrong thing.

[Jaylen Brit 0]

You see yourself as unworthy of him is the short answer I think.

You can't see WHY he would stay with someone like you - do you like yourself? Or have u had many bad previous relationships? Or even just ONE bad one that either destroyed your trust or 'taught' you you were unworthy and 'not good enough'?

Maybe one man in your life (could be dad, could be a boyfriend) who put you down until you belived it?

It may not impact your life in ANY other place except relationships - where you feel like the less deserving/less worthy partner.

When he tells you he'll never leave you do you in fact belive him? Or do you somewhere inside feel he's telling you what you want to hear? Beacuse he's too good for you, because you're such a horrid / unworthy person (which he will find out, you think, and this terrifies you) that of course he will leave you.

I can tell you if yo continue thinking this way you will get a self-fulfilling prohpecy because you will push him away eventually thru your inability to belive he's being truthful.

You really have to learn how to love yourself - even if you just accept that you're 'ok' would be huge progress..

You may not be able to do this alone - you may need counselling - or just someone to talk these feelings thru until they have no power over you any longer.

I would tell your hubby how you feel - but only so you're not 'hiding' it from him - then see if you can maybe call the Samartians or find a support group so you can build your self-esteem somewhat.

I wish you all the very best - but don't ignore the feelings you have you need to confront and deal or they will persist.

Edited February 16, 2006 by Jaylen Brit

[Carola 0]

How do I let go of the fear?

You need therapy....you have unresolved issues that go way beyond this relationship.....I wish you all the best...

I totally agree with that, something happened in your past that makes you feel this tremendous fear. You need therapy, go for it... because I personally think your concerns isn't healthy at all.

[TrustMe 0]

How do I let go of the fear?

You need therapy....you have unresolved issues that go way beyond this relationship.....I wish you all the best...

Thank you for deeming me unstable and then moving on...

[Lilith** 0]

How do I let go of the fear?

You need therapy....you have unresolved issues that go way beyond this relationship.....I wish you all the best...

Thank you for deeming me unstable and then moving on...

I am sorry you took it that way.....I am not a therapist/counsellor/pseudo-psychologist so how can I make your situation any better.....I suggested you see a therapist to deal with your issues that's all....I am just sorry you are having a bad time....

[joej 0]

Why do you care if he leaves you? Are you affraid you can't make it on your own? It seems silly and self destructive to sit and worry about something that hadn't happened yet. There is plenty of men around. If he cheats on you or leaves you just loose him and get another one.

[VetsWife328 7]

Well let me give you my personal opinion and tell you a part of our story.

Jim was stationed in Schweinfurt Germany when we met online.

We started seeing each other and he soon after (5 weeks) got his orders to return to the USA.His time in the Army was up and he didn't tell me the truth about that,I was told he would PCS to Ft Lewis WA and be send downrange again.

I also did not know that he had someone (he also met her online while he was deployed to Iraq in 2004,he spend his 30 days block leave in March 2005 with her and she came to Germany for 3 weeks just before we met each other) here in the US waiting for him.

Well,Jim left Germany on August 6th,2005 and I have not heared of him again.Turns out he had given me his phone and there was a WA number saved on it,so after 6 weeks of HOrror and trying to find him I called that number(after Ft Lewis rmy Locator told me for the 2nd time that there's NO record for him).

It was the number of the other woman and I finally got to talk to him.

He explained everything to me and told me that nothing works out for him anymore because he can not forget about me.

It was not hard to tell how much pain he was in.

I choose to forgive him and we decided for me and my son to comew to Oregon and visit him,That"s where we are right now.

We will put our I 129F in asap and get married in Church by the end of this year.

I have asked God to show me the way he wants me to go.

I was terrified Jim and I wouldn't get along anymore or he'd realize that he doesn't want and love me as much as he felt he did when he was with the other woman..........

Now we know we are made for each other.I have to go back to Germany next week,one more last time.But it's tearing us apart to be seperated again.

Yet we have put our relationship in Gods hands and have asked him to work on our relationship.

And he does.

Put your life and relationship in the hands of the Lord!!!!!!!

We have a lot of financial problems ,but we love each other very much and as I said we feel,after all we have been through already and still love each other and want to be with each other for good,that God wants us together.

Sit down and ask God to free you of your fears and to work on your marriage.Put your life in his hands.

HE will take care of you and show you the way.

All the best for you

Natasha

[joej 0]

You see yourself as unworthy of him is the short answer I think.

You can't see WHY he would stay with someone like you - do you like yourself? Or have u had many bad previous relationships? Or even just ONE bad one that either destroyed your trust or 'taught' you you were unworthy and 'not good enough'?

Maybe one man in your life (could be dad, could be a boyfriend) who put you down until you belived it?

It may not impact your life in ANY other place except relationships - where you feel like the less deserving/less worthy partner.

When he tells you he'll never leave you do you in fact belive him? Or do you somewhere inside feel he's telling you what you want to hear? Beacuse he's too good for you, because you're such a horrid / unworthy person (which he will find out, you think, and this terrifies you) that of course he will leave you.

I can tell you if yo continue thinking this way you will get a self-fulfilling prohpecy because you will push him away eventually thru your inability to belive he's being truthful.

You really have to learn how to love yourself - even if you just accept that you're 'ok' would be huge progress..

You may not be able to do this alone - you may need counselling - or just someone to talk these feelings thru until they have no power over you any longer.

I would tell your hubby how you feel - but only so you're not 'hiding' it from him - then see if you can maybe call the Samartians or find a support group so you can build your self-esteem somewhat.

I wish you all the very best - but don't ignore the feelings you have you need to confront and deal or they will persist.

I agree with what you have said here. Maybe she has trust issues. Sorry I hate the word "issue" but couldnt find an appropriate alternate. I also think that it is possible that she has cheated before or can imagine herself cheating on him.

[Chuckles 0]

You are talking about a man who is willing to leave his current life, probobly sell all his current possesions, quit his job, and move to you. Maybe there is alot more to this story, I expect there is, because you really should not be feeling the way you do. You really need help dealing with your insecurities. Of course, we are not perfect and I feel insecure sometimes too, but you have to get the strength from inside yourself to overcome this, not from other people. If this is truly your attitude, I feel sorry for this man giving up everything to come to your country based on his love for you.

[Fandango 1,439]

TrustMe, lemme ask you...what benefit do you get out of the worrying?

Fear is a horrible emotion...and it does nothing but tear ppl up inside. Let's look at the worst case scenario....all the fear in the world is not going to stop him from leaving (remember, worst case) if that's what's going to happen. Fear won't stop it, fear won't help it.

But in the best case scenario, that he can be taken at his word (and this is a completely more logical scenario being as he's left his whole life for you two to be together)....you are right, this fear you have is going to sabotage your relationship! If you keep asking for assurances, eventually he's going to feel you don't trust him...and THAT can push him away. It's the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Realize that your fear can do nothing but harm. Take your husband at his word...after all...actions speak louder than words. He is here! Your 'beautiful' friend who was cheated on has nothing to do with your relationship...your aunt and the preacher too. This is about you and him....the man you fell in love with. You know in your heart that he loves you, so keep telling yourself that!

and instead of worrying about what will happen in the future...enjoy your lovely husband today. Only deal with today until you feel more confidant to look into tomorrow with nothing but your hopes & dreams.

I wish you the best of luck!!

[nayalamb 0]

trustme, i feel a bit of where you are coming from. i had alot of baggage from previous relationships. i was afraid to trust anyone. but i took the time to work through it. and i didn't get engaged until i was 10000000% confident in our love. anything less would be unfair to him. i was lucky that he loved me enough to stand by me.

some of what you are feeling could just be self-sabotage. you are destroying your relationship before he has the chance to fail you and leave. in your mind, its like a pre-emptive strike. but you can't live that way.

in order to have a healthy relationship, you have to have trust. that doesn't mean that you are weak or foolish. it means you have confidence that the man YOU chose is a good one. and if for some reason it falls apart, you gather your strength and move forward. you can't let yourself drown in fear.

if you are uncomfortable with the notion of formal therapy, try speaking to someone close to you like your mother, sister, pastor, or best friend. someone that can be objective and honest with you.

and you might have to face the fact that you are probably not yet ready for marriage. consider postponing while you get yourself in order. in the long run, you will both be better off for it.

its not always easy to trust someone and be vulnerable, but its a part of the human experience. an open heart is a beautiful thing. good luck to you.

[Sister Fracas 5]

There is plenty of men around. If he cheats on you or leaves you just loose him and get another one.

Sheesh! Just disposable like that, huh?

I also think that it is possible that she has cheated before or can imagine herself cheating on him.

What?????? Where did you get that?

Yet we have put our relationship in Gods hands and have asked him to work on our relationship.

And he does.

Put your life and relationship in the hands of the Lord!!!!!!!

Glad that works for you, but you have no idea what the OP's religious background is; I think it's best to leave religion out of this problem.

You really have to learn how to love yourself - even if you just accept that you're 'ok' would be huge progress..

You may not be able to do this alone - you may need counselling - or just someone to talk these feelings thru until they have no power over you any longer.

you are destroying your relationship before he has the chance to fail you and leave. in your mind, its like a pre-emptive strike. but you can't live that way.

its not always easy to trust someone and be vulnerable, but its a part of the human experience. an open heart is a beautiful thing.

I would agree with Jaylen and Nayalamb....you need to believe you are worthy of his love. If you don't feel worthy, perhaps you need to find out why, and maybe a therapist, counsellor, or trusted friend who will listen (and not the people who have been through divorce and may have bad feelings about marriage), and help you get over these feelings. Of course, talking openly to your husband about these feelings certainly would help....not just asking him if he is going to leave you, but telling him where these feelings stem from. It may not be an easy process. And since you are already married, you've got to tackle this right away, before it damages your relationship.

You are worthy of your husband's love. Believe it....your husband obviously does.

Edited February 17, 2006 by Frances

[Jenn! 918]

Wow, lots of pseudo-psychologists in here. Most recommending therapy.

Give me a break. Ok, so she has "trust issues", and "low self-esteem". Hasn't everyone got their own "issues"?

I don't think the OP's feelings are at all abnormal.

How do you let go of the fear? Trusting someone is always difficult at the beginning of a relationship, unless you're totally naive. Trust isn't gained immediately, people earn it. That's why you probably trust your immediate family a bit more than your new husband - you've known them for a lot longer. Marriage is always a risk, because we ultimately do not have control over other people's feelings or decisions. I think you will feel better as your relationship progresses - you'll constantly be gathering proof of his love for you and his trustworthiness. Time will bring peace of mind, not therapy, IMHO.

Amendment to post:

After reading your original post, I noticed that you probably do NOT trust your immediate family that much. Maybe working on your relationship with them will help your relationship with your husband?