Divorcing during AOS: What can I do?

[Minya's wife 25]

If you dont allow the affidavit, they will not let him get his greencard. Im sorry this has happened to you, but if you allow him to adjust, based on your marriage and get his greencard, you will be responsible for him for 10 years, or until he becomes a US citizen.

Not true...if the sponsor (who fills out the I-864) can be held liable by the US government for any means-tested benefits (wellfare) that the immigrant uses for 10 years, or until he/she naturalizes. The I-864 is a contract between the sponsor and the US government, not the sponsor and immigrant.

[Mme Rej 0]

First, when people say 10 years what they really mean is 40 quarters of work. He might not be able to get a job, or lose his job here and there, turning the 10 years into much longer.

Also re the sister, there is a thing called a joint-sponsor but this is NOT something you want to do. I only mention it so they don't try and tell you its an option. Whether he gets someone to sign on "as well" YOU are still the primary sponsor and YOU are still on the hook.

I understand that you don't want people to hate you or dislike you for "taking his greencard" but you need to look at this the proper way. HE was the one in a relationship with someone else in the US using YOU to get here so that he could get his greencard and leave you. I don't think there is any possible way that a rational and reasonable person would ever blame YOU for his not being there. He took advantage of you. He lied to you. You need to make sure you are not living with him. Don't see him. He's on his own. I would withdraw the I-864 and once the divorce is final (because I don't know if he needs to be there for it) I would call ICE to let them know that you are no longer responsible for this person. It is not YOUR problem that his goal in life is to get a greencard via whatever means. HE used you and HE needs to face the consequences of his actions.

Best of luck to you. I know it's not easy but it will get better. Make sure you withdraw the I-864 ASAP.

I agree completely..Well said....

[Mme Rej 0]

Oh dear hear we go again,

Enlighten One. Arent you tired of throwing a pity party for yourself?Its been over a year. GET OVER IT!!! Yes we know.You say it all the time that YOU GOT SCAMMED.But this forum is not about you. So we can care less.Its becoming pathetic and you look very stupid and ridiculous each time you come to ones forum and start posting your stupid soblesss the I GOT SCAMMED stories. You seem to still be venting from your supposedly "scammer".My only advice to you is to seek help (that is psychiatric help) Please get over youurself!!!!

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What a reply! get over yourself..its been a year.. .Nwanyioma...I think I will start praying for you..because in 3 years it might just be you coming back here in tears and asking for advices...you just don't get over yourself especially when years has been lost..financially, physically, mentally and yes emotionally..by SCAMMERS...

[Nwanyioma 11]

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What a reply! get over yourself..its been a year.. .Nwanyioma...I think I will start praying for you..because in 3 years it might just be you coming back here in tears and asking for advices...you just don't get over yourself especially when years has been lost..financially, physically, mentally and yes emotionally..by SCAMMERS...

The post was not towards you,and if I am not mistaken, you too, sound like a "I got scammed" victim. . And believe me IF I got scammed, the last thing I will do is to post my story on visajourney. Thanks for your prayerful wishes, but please pray for yourself.

[sonobi 3]

WOW!!!! VJer's, please seattle down. There are worst things in this world going on around us and we should be more united. We have never met in person, and yet you speak to each other with such dislike. We are here because we have someone thing in common. We married outside of our country. A person will decide to cheat wheather they are American or not. That does not constitute a scam. We tend to scream SCAM because the one that is cheating is the one in need of a CG to stay in the promise land.

However, that is not the case with me. Mine is prepared to go back to Nigeria right after our divorce. Our marriage is not based on the GC. The GC is based on our accomodations of building of life together and growing together.

Must we really insult each other like this? Really....does this mean that one is more stupid than the other....don't entertain each other's nonsense. The situation lies in what ever you decide fits your lifestyle.

Nwanyioma, congratulaations on your wedding. I wish you well and please don't take any of our bad experiences with you. There are many people that are happily married. If I could find a way to forgive my husband, I would and give it another try. Unfortunately, that is not my lifestyle. Do take care.

[Nwanyioma 11]

WOW!!!! VJer's, please seattle down. There are worst things in this world going on around us and we should be more united. We have never met in person, and yet you speak to each other with such dislike. We are here because we have someone thing in common. We married outside of our country. A person will decide to cheat wheather they are American or not. That does not constitute a scam. We tend to scream SCAM because the one that is cheating is the one in need of a CG to stay in the promise land.

However, that is not the case with me. Mine is prepared to go back to Nigeria right after our divorce. Our marriage is not based on the GC. The GC is based on our accomodations of building of life together and growing together.

Must we really insult each other like this? Really....does this mean that one is more stupid than the other....don't entertain each other's nonsense. The situation lies in what ever you decide fits your lifestyle.

Nwanyioma, congratulaations on your wedding. I wish you well and please don't take any of our bad experiences with you. There are many people that are happily married. If I could find a way to forgive my husband, I would and give it another try. Unfortunately, that is not my lifestyle. Do take care.

Sonobi,

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I really appreciate from the bottom of my heart. I agree with everything that your saying. But Im so tired of bitter women coming on one's forum instead of empathizing with you, they want to bring out their long drawn out history of how their husband scammed them and it is very annoying. I was simply EMPATHIZING with you, and instead I receive insults from "grown women"? What rubbish!! Sonobi Im tired of people bashing nigerians and sterotypying us as "scammers". You see my dear I am very aware that anything can happen and anything can go wrong in ones relationship, and its not good to wish anyone bad. Sonobi I wish you nothing but the best. Please take care and stay strong. God will guide you. Take care

Nwanyioma

[Cre8ed 1]

Why would you want to help him stay in the country? From what your saying it sounds like he used you and for sure destroyed your relationship and trust...there isn't a friendship or marriage when there isn't trust... I say divorce cancel/decline all paper work....then let him fend for himself. I might be cruel but I personally think that's justice.

I pray you are not entertaining the notion that he might one day sort himself out, and morph into the idealistic person you hoped he would be!!! Women!! we are our own worst enimies.

[Darnell 8,479]

Hey - have you withdrawn the I-864 yet? It's been almost 2 weeks since your first post in this topic.

[Cre8ed 1]

Hey - have you withdrawn the I-864 yet? It's been almost 2 weeks since your first post in this topic.

Please update with what you have done. It is important that you stay on track with this.

[sonobi 3]

I have not pulled the I-864. And yes, women--we are our own worst enemy.....I'm flirting with the idea that perhaps, I should try and forgive for a change....It's out of my norm...I usually stand firm and prefer to walk away....but I'm compelled to stay the course and keep myself protected the best way I can...I always say: God don't like ugly and at the end of the day.....he will be dealt with as well as I will be dealt with by staying on course. I don't want to sound like I'm defending him....and yes...he does seem like he is scamming me....but...would he have scammed me if he were american and still cheated on me with so many women...Americans that don't require visas cheat all the time from all types of classes....

The fact of the matter is that he cheated on me.....did he take me for my money?....not a chance....he doesn't have access to that...and should he try....well....there isn't much to take...so .....

With all that being said...thank you all for your words of encouragement....thank you all for your frank opinions......I'll try to keep an update going....we'll see what happens within the next couple of weeks.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I have not pulled the I-864. And yes, women--we are our own worst enemy.....I'm flirting with the idea that perhaps, I should try and forgive for a change....It's out of my norm...I usually stand firm and prefer to walk away....but I'm compelled to stay the course and keep myself protected the best way I can...I always say: God don't like ugly and at the end of the day.....he will be dealt with as well as I will be dealt with by staying on course. I don't want to sound like I'm defending him....and yes...he does seem like he is scamming me....but...would he have scammed me if he were american and still cheated on me with so many women...Americans that don't require visas cheat all the time from all types of classes....

The fact of the matter is that he cheated on me.....did he take me for my money?....not a chance....he doesn't have access to that...and should he try....well....there isn't much to take...so .....

With all that being said...thank you all for your words of encouragement....thank you all for your frank opinions......I'll try to keep an update going....we'll see what happens within the next couple of weeks.

The problem with the greencard being involved is it's such an urgent decision.. you don't have the proper time to process so you have 2 "worst case" scenario's bouncing around in your head:

1. You either stick with it and possibly end up supporting your ex-husband (and possibly his girlfriend by association) in his new life in America, OR

2. You end up wishing you hadn't let him go back to his country and wishing you had given it a shot

Of the two worst case scenario's, which one scares you the most? For me, scenario 2 is actually something I could live with... the reason being I didn't break the relationship, I didn't cheat. I gave my all to the relationship just to be slapped in the face (not literally). I think I would be upset, and hurt quite a bit because it's understandable that you don't just "fall out of love" with someone because they cheated but without trust what sort of relationship can you really have?. Scenario 1 I can see myself becoming bitter if I am supporting my ex and his new "flings". I can see myself angry and stressed out that I can't just "forget" about him or at least push him to the back of my mind. I would need to mention to any new partner/husband that I am supporting my ex who immigrated and I can't say I wouldn't be a little embarrassed feeling people might judge me and automatically assume I was scammed.

Also, with the I-864 being binding once AOS is complete, if you ever want to petition another person from overseas you would need to declare the current I-864 in the "household" count making your financial requirements higher. Not saying you WILL, just as an example to others.

I think perhaps we should take the GC out of the equation and instead focus on the relationship. If the greencard wasn't an issue and he was American, would you stay with him? Honestly? If you hadn't put all this work into the visa stuff, and if instead you had spent the last months waiting, actually together.. would it make it harder to say goodbye? Or easier? What is it about him that makes you want to forgive him? Forget the "love" part of it... many fools are made because of love.. think rationally, what is it you would miss about him? Would what you miss be overridden by the knowledge that he cheated? Would you ALWAYS think back to that? He's trying to confuse you.. I think he should go and stay with friends or in a motel or something for a while so you can think about things. Don't do any action on the file, postpone the biometrics by sending in the letter and putting a date on the letter say, a month away from the date that's booked now.. make the process stall (he's still not deportable while waiting for the GC answer) so you have time to think.

Cheating is a BIG no-no for me. My main issues being (and please I don't mean to upset you) your husband had to consciously put you out of his mind. He KNEW he had a visa petition in the works, it's not like it's a normal "separation".. this working behind the scenes, you know someone's thinking about you and wishing and hoping you were with them. Plus all the time you talked to him online there were a couple of times where he may have just got back from his latest love interest. Or a time he wasn't online or couldn't call because he was with someone else. It would eat me up inside wondering.. and it doesn't seem like he wants to fix things by being honest about it... and even if he SAID he was being honest I don't know if I could believe that.. or get the images out of my head... There are SO many times during "cheating" that he consciously stopped thinking about you. Your feelings were irrelevant to him at that moment... or those moments. He saw another woman naked and HAD to have thought of you or stopped himself from doing so. If he didn't have to stop himself from thinking of you he doesn't love you. I know I think about my husband all the time. If I'm in a store and I see something he likes, or I wonder how work is, or just randomly around the house while thinking about what's for dinner. When we were apart I was thinking basically the same thing and always wishing when I hopped into bed at night wishing that my guy was with me. I just couldn't handle knowing that he doesn't love me like I love him, and that our values weren't the same... on something SO important as being faithful.

*Edit - Most importantly (I just re-read your OP), your guy didn't just CHEAT on you, he fell in love with another woman. Another woman that is in the US. Another woman that he emailed saying he can't wait to get there and leave YOU for... but you found out. I know you don't want to think you've been scammed because yes, people DO cheat all the time but that IS a type of scamming. He wasn't necessarily scamming you for the GC but he did use you to get to his REAL love interest and now he's saying pretty words to confuse you enough to get the greencard.. including telling you he'd go home... and he might but honestly then I think he'd have this real love interest petition for him anyway. His options are get the greencard through you, or go home to await his real love... the former being the quickest option. He might have loved you in the beginning and rather than restarting the visa with his real love, and spending more money on it, he decided that it was just easier to carry on and get it through you.

I think the risks are far too great that you're being scammed. I couldn't bear knowing I'd been made a fool of... and I REALLY don't think he'll stop cheating... he might not TELL you, it might take you months to find out.. but leopards don't change their spots.

Edited May 3, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[Enlighten one :) 5]

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What a reply! get over yourself..its been a year.. .Nwanyioma...I think I will start praying for you..because in 3 years it might just be you coming back here in tears and asking for advices...you just don't get over yourself especially when years has been lost..financially, physically, mentally and yes emotionally..by SCAMMERS...

I am in a wonderful place and peace of mind. Through Gods Favor. I get email from woman who are at that two year mark and all of a sudden their significant other changes. They are too embarrased to post their stories. So the numbers are more then they appear.

Nwanyioma gets very offended by my postings because it bring out the fear in herself. As it does many. Her inconsiderate and attacking post displays a character her husband will find displeasing and associate it with typical American Woman behavior. Which if she understood her husband culture she would know she will not go far with that typical American behavior.

I am not embarrassed to tell my story. I am frustrated because I read signs of fraud in many post, but say nothing because I know it is too late for them. All I can do is keep posting my story so someone might answer that gut feeling.

People need to consider all options that are good and bad.

[Nwanyioma 11]

[quote name=Enlighten one ' date='18 May 2010 - 11:48 AM' timestamp='1274197690' post='3944334]

I am in a wonderful place and peace of mind. Through Gods Favor. I get email from woman who are at that two year mark and all of a sudden their significant other changes. They are too embarrased to post their stories. So the numbers are more then they appear.

Nwanyioma gets very offended by my postings because it bring out the fear in herself. As it does many. Her inconsiderate and attacking post displays a character her husband will find displeasing and associate it with typical American Woman behavior. Which if she understood her husband culture she would know she will not go far with that typical American behavior.

I am not embarrassed to tell my story. I am frustrated because I read signs of fraud in many post, but say nothing because I know it is too late for them. All I can do is keep posting my story so someone might answer that gut feeling.

People need to consider all options that are good and bad.

To Enlighten One and to Other women on here who have been "Scammed",

It is a very tideous difficult task to bring your loved one from another country to the US. With that being said I can relate to that. And it also comes with alot risk. Im not offended by anything that you say because your words are meaningless. Neither am I an American. I get truly offended when women like you, Enlighten One come on this website and start bashing Nigerians. It is very offensive. And since we are talking about husbands, it is too you Enlighten One who presented your American woman behavior which drove your husband away. No nigerian man will take that. No one on this website should not judge anyone.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

I do not bash Nigerians. I tell my situation and experience with a Nigerian man. If that sets the tone for other Nigerian men trying to marry into America I do not apologize for sharing my story.

My Nigerian friend fixed us up. When I told him about the story ..he played right along with my husband. Once his friend was here in America he had no use for my friendship.

I have a copy of an email where his my ex husband’s Nigerian brother was praising God in once sentence and in the next sentenced ask my husband what he has told him about me so he doesn’t contradict anything I say. Does she know you are married? What did you tell her you do for work.

My first Nigerian friend who fixed me and my ex husband up together fixed one of his friends up with a woman he cheated on the whole time. Until his two year were up and then he left her.

Then my mother’s daughter in law married a Nigerian man she met in London. Who used her and left her once the two years were up. Ok personality changed. Christian man just like my husband who not once tried to work things out.

I do not assign these behaviors to the whole Nigerian culture. But woman need to realize the risk

To Enlighten One and to Other women on here who have been "Scammed",

It is a very tideous difficult task to bring your loved one from another country to the US. With that being said I can relate to that. And it also comes with alot risk. Im not offended by anything that you say because your words are meaningless. Neither am I an American. I get truly offended when women like you, Enlighten One come on this website and start bashing Nigerians. It is very offensive. And since we are talking about husbands, it is too you Enlighten One who presented your American woman behavior which drove your husband away. No nigerian man will take that. No one on this website should not judge anyone.