monthly support from fiance

[LuzyC 0]

I do have a problem with Gary's post however;

The only time we ever really argue is when she wants to go back to work to take some of the pressure off of me. I absolutely refuse to let her go back to work. I have told her that when her visa finally comes and we get married that she will never work. Her job will be to take care of me and my home and it will be my job to supply the money. That is the way I want it.

That sounds pretty archaic to me, and totally unfair to Luzy. If my wife wants to work, then she can work, and its not for me to tell her she "can't". Besides being chauvinistic, it just wouldn't fly with Chutima, no more than it would if I was told to stay home and "take care" of someone else and their home. This isn't the dark ages.

It may sound archaic to you but to me it's a traditional relationship. When Luz and I first started getting serious I told her my views on marriage. It was known up-front. It is also what she wants. If you don't believe me ask her yourself. She is online here. This is our relationship and you have no right to pass judgment on it. So please keep it to yourself.

We fall into this "minority" as well, and neither of us are from an asian country. These are decisions we made together early on in our relationship, based on how and where our previous marriages went wrong.

I have worked this entire time, except during the five months I stayed with him, hell I have worked the majority of my adult life and will continue to do so if we need it. My husband doesn't want me to have to work, the moment we are financially set my job will then be to take care of the home and this includes him. We feel like in our relationship having more traditional values is the way we want to go. I don't see a thing wrong with living like this if both persons agree with it.

My British half has stated time and time again, "when I get home you are quitting". Just don't feel like that makes it wrong, it makes me feel very loved and delighted that he wants to take care of me. Luz like myself has certainly proven she has and can still take care of herself if need be.

I was fortunate enough to spend some time running our home, I got to admit I loved it. He came home everyday for a prepared lunch, which gave us an hour of time to be together. When he walked in the door at the end of the day, dinner was on the table the house was clean, we ate cleared up together and then had the rest of the evening to enjoy one anothers company. Me being home gave us an extra couple of hours or so each day. We weren't both coming in the door trying to prepare dinner, do daily house chores etc making ourselves more tired and unable to sit down and relax.

People can't be so quick to judge. For us me staying home, is more of a blessing and the result is we have more down time for each other. If I were the one making a nice salary I would certainly do the same for him.

I feel like what Gary is saying and intending to do here, is give his bride a much needed rest from the life she has endured. I read nothing more into his words, besides the fact he loves her very much and wants to give to her all that he can and lead a traditional style life with the woman he loves. If she were a white middle class American, would this judgement be the same? Sure there are situations were the asian female is used as a house slave, plenty of American females in a not so desirable position too. We have to quit profiling, and realize there are normal couples coming from every walk of life not every relationship from certain regions is a scam.

For all couples who love their other half very deeply, most would probably love to be financially stable enough to take care of the other person. This is what couples are supposed to do give to one another, if that involves finances so what if they can afford for one to stay home.

Again as I posted earlier in this thread, the OP needs to discuss this with her other half. IMO she should not have ask this question to a board of strangers. Perhaps it is just to early in her relationship, and they have yet to discuss how they will share a life together. Maybe she has a difficult time financially and knows her OH has enough that he might or could want to help and was just unsure how to discuss it with him in fear or embarassment. Throughout this long process of ours, I know there have been times when we have relied on one another financially, things happen and sometimes you have to ask for help. Who better to ask than the person you love.

Thank you for that..

[griffin 7]

GREETINGS!

WHEN THE INTERNET WAS OPENED TO THE PUBLIC....VIA INTERNET CAFES...WESTERN UNION BRANCHES SOAR HIGH (6,500 BRANCHES)...SOME OF THEM ARE GENUINE BY TRULY HELPING AND BENEFIACIARY USING IT FOR THAT PURPOSE AND A LOT OF THEM ARE JUST LOOKING FOR FOREIGNERS WHO WILL BE TRAPPED TO THEIR STORIES AND SEND THEM MONEY FOR HELP....THIS ONE OF THE REASONS OF WHY SOME YOUNG HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS JUST HANG OUT TO ANY CAFES AND CHAT FOR HOURS AND HOURS......AND FORGET SCHOOL....AS THEY CAN ASKED ANY HELP FROM ANY FOREIGNERS THAT CAN HOOK OVER THE NET....

P.S. I HAD KNOWN THIS STORY BECASUE A FRIEND OF MINE HAD AN INTERNET CAFE AND HAD OPENED WESTER UNION BRANCHE AS WELL... SHE COUDLNT BELEIEVD OF HOW ONE COLLECTS MONEY FROM DIFFERENT MAN AND DIFFERENT COUNTRIES..BUT MOST OF THE TIME FROMTHE UNITED STATES.....

[kismet 0]

Ok, so now y'all can have a manly hug and pop open a few beers, right? All I have is Guinness, sorry..... Want one?

Brother Cian, I miss you man!

Guinness?!! I still have a couple of bottles of Becks Dark!

A manly hug??? women not included??????

Chauvinist ****!!!!

give me a break..i'm trying to participate here don't make me look stupid??

please????

okay... how about a big non-gender hug?!!

now that's better

all's well that ends well.... right ellmoi??

and now it's time to cook! arrrggggghhh

paalam for now!

Gen

[ellmoi 0]

Ok, so now y'all can have a manly hug and pop open a few beers, right? All I have is Guinness, sorry..... Want one?

Brother Cian, I miss you man!

Guinness?!! I still have a couple of bottles of Becks Dark!

A manly hug??? women not included??????

Chauvinist ****!!!!

give me a break..i'm trying to participate here don't make me look stupid??

please????

okay... how about a big non-gender hug?!!

now that's better

all's well that ends well.... right ellmoi??

and now it's time to cook! arrrggggghhh

paalam for now!

Gen

oh yes, among themselves, .. happy cooking!

[*Robert* 2]

โรเบิร์ต รัก สุดที่รัก ชุติมา มากมาก

โชคดี นางสาว ลิงเล็ก

[GaryC 7]

I think you are right, that I immediately lumped Gary into a sterotype, and I apologize for that. I know Gary is a good guy, and his comments caught me off gaurd. Maybe it was the way he phrased it! Sorry Gary.

Thank you Robert. I think I should explain a little further. I grew up on a small mid-west farm. My father worked all day and my mother stayed home and took care of us. We had the ideal traditional family. My parents loved each other very much and us kids had the benefit of a two parent upbringing.

My first marriage was a disastar. We both worked, me days her evenings, and we never saw each other. The more we made the more we spent and soon we were isolated from each other and up to our eyeballs in debt. It got to the point where we both HAD to work just to pay the bills. Needless to say the marriage failed after 21 years. I NEVER want to go through that again. I would be happy with less and have the happy home of my youth. In my Luz I have found someone that wants the same thing I want. A place where love and companionship is more importaint than things. I make a good living. I can provide a comfortable life for us. Luz has paid her dues in life. She wants to be a wife and I want nothing more than a wife. It works for us both.

[jo&john 1]

Let me relate my situation with Luz. It may give the flamers something to reference from.

I have been with Luz for over 2 1/2 years now. When I met her she was working 16 hours each day, 6 or 7 days a week to support her entire family. She has been doing this since her father died when she was young. Since she was the oldest in her family it fell to her to take up the role of the bread winner.

Luz was literally killing herself working as a maid, factory worker and anything else she could find. At one point she was ironing in a shirt factory doing 24 hour shifts every other day to make ends meet. After we were together for about 6 months is when I realized just how hard her life was. She never complained, never asked me for help and always seemed thankful that she was able to do her duty to her family. About 2 years ago I fell on hard times. I lost my job and was living on borrowed money from my family. SHE OFFERED ME MONEY!!!!! I was so touched that she would do that. Of course I didn't accept her offer but it did show me that her love for me was real and she wasn't "gold digging". She stuck with me through a bankruptcy and never wavered in her love for me. I finally got back on my feet and found a good job. I found myself in a position that made it possible for me to start taking some of the load off of her. I told her that I wanted to start supporting her 100%. I had the extra money and I WANTED to do it. So I started sending her $600 every two weeks. When she got sick and needed an operation to save her life I sent her in excess of $3000 to pay for it. The money I send her supports her and her son, her mother, sister and her two kids and a disabled aunt. I look at it as a blessing that I can do this for her. She has worked herself to death for 30 years taking care of her family and now I willingly take up that task. Luz does feel guilty about her "retirement" that I have given her but I insist that this is the way it's going to be. I have the financial means to do this and I want to do it. The only time we ever really argue is when she wants to go back to work to take some of the pressure off of me. I absolutely refuse to let her go back to work. I have told her that when her visa finally comes and we get married that she will never work. Her job will be to take care of me and my home and it will be my job to supply the money. That is the way I want it.

I don't know what has transpired between the OP and her man. I don't know what her situation is or what her man has told her. Each one of us has a different situation and it isn't our place to judge. She may have worded it the wrong way and that has cause some here to jump on her but I say lets cut her some slack.

Very well said Gary! Thanks for taking good care of Luz and her family. I am very sure that Luz will take good care of you when she gets there. My prayers are with you.

Jo

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

I think you are right, that I immediately lumped Gary into a sterotype, and I apologize for that. I know Gary is a good guy, and his comments caught me off gaurd. Maybe it was the way he phrased it! Sorry Gary.

Thank you Robert. I think I should explain a little further. I grew up on a small mid-west farm. My father worked all day and my mother stayed home and took care of us. We had the ideal traditional family. My parents loved each other very much and us kids had the benefit of a two parent upbringing.

My first marriage was a disastar. We both worked, me days her evenings, and we never saw each other. The more we made the more we spent and soon we were isolated from each other and up to our eyeballs in debt. It got to the point where we both HAD to work just to pay the bills. Needless to say the marriage failed after 21 years. I NEVER want to go through that again. I would be happy with less and have the happy home of my youth. In my Luz I have found someone that wants the same thing I want. A place where love and companionship is more importaint than things. I make a good living. I can provide a comfortable life for us. Luz has paid her dues in life. She wants to be a wife and I want nothing more than a wife. It works for us both.

That brought tears to my eyes. To me this shows dedication, respect and a very genuine love for one another.

Keeping up with the Joneses is a popular phrase in many parts of the English-speaking world referring to the common desire to be seen to be as good as one's neighbours or contemporaries, thus maintaining a favourable image in comparison with them. To fail to "keep up with the Joneses" is perceived as demonstrating one's socio-economic or cultural inferiority. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keeping_up_with_the_Joneses

I would much rather drive a hunk of junk, live in a moderate but well kept home, do without jewelry, Coach handbags, and expensive clothing just to have valuable time with my husband. I don't think the pearly gates are wide enough for an SUV.

One of us staying home allows us much more time together, and time is a precious thing that you can't place a monetary value on.

[*Robert* 2]

Thank you Robert. I think I should explain a little further. I grew up on a small mid-west farm. My father worked all day and my mother stayed home and took care of us. We had the ideal traditional family. My parents loved each other very much and us kids had the benefit of a two parent upbringing.

My first marriage was a disastar. We both worked, me days her evenings, and we never saw each other. The more we made the more we spent and soon we were isolated from each other and up to our eyeballs in debt. It got to the point where we both HAD to work just to pay the bills. Needless to say the marriage failed after 21 years. I NEVER want to go through that again. I would be happy with less and have the happy home of my youth. In my Luz I have found someone that wants the same thing I want. A place where love and companionship is more importaint than things. I make a good living. I can provide a comfortable life for us. Luz has paid her dues in life. She wants to be a wife and I want nothing more than a wife. It works for us both.

Gotcha!!! Now that sounds a lot better!

[jo&john 1]

Well said, Gary. Unfortunately, this thread has turned into a circle jerk and I don't think anything anyone can say right now is going to stop it short of us reporting this to the VJ Administrator.

What exactly are you going to report to the VJ Administrator? This thread is no different than any other, and there is no flame war going on or name calling. I fail to see why it should be reported.

As to the stories both you and Gary have told, they are not exclusive to the Philippines, but are in fact common to Asian culture in general. In most Asian countries, especially for common workers, there is no Social Security or retirement programs for families when the elderly are no longer able to work. That support comes directly from the family, and the children in particular.

The problem people were having with the OP has NOTHING to do with the examples you and Gary gave, because the OP was talking about support from outside the family and from little more than a new bf.

For a daughter or son to help their family, is very ASIAN, and very common. My wife helps her mother and sister when she can, because they were the ones that put her through college. On the other hand, my wife never asks me for money, or for me to support her family. That is why she can't wait to get a job so she can help her family.

I do have a problem with Gary's post however;

The only time we ever really argue is when she wants to go back to work to take some of the pressure off of me. I absolutely refuse to let her go back to work. I have told her that when her visa finally comes and we get married that she will never work. Her job will be to take care of me and my home and it will be my job to supply the money. That is the way I want it.

That sounds pretty archaic to me, and totally unfair to Luzy. If my wife wants to work, then she can work, and its not for me to tell her she “can’t”. Besides being chauvinistic, it just wouldn’t fly with Chutima, no more than it would if I was told to stay home and “take care” of someone else and their home. This isn’t the dark ages.

Well...Gary is Gary...and you are you... Gary could not be you and neither could you be Gary... each of us here in VJ has his/her own story... and we are experts of our own lives...no one can decide for us...we always make our own choices...whatever the choice we make...we are responsible for it....if it turns out bad, no need to blame anyone but ourselves.

We really don't know the lifestory of aixaix/ellmoi...so let's leave it out all to them...to address their own problems/issues ...but let us wish them good luck and blessings ...I'm sure they have learned al lot from this post.

Jo

[MarkTexas 3]

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Hi again,

If I may just put in my two-centavos worth...(i'm hoping i don't get nabbed for adopting the american idiom in the filipino context)

The negative expressions put forth by many of our esteemed VJers against ellmoi's query frankly put me off, thus my contribution to this thread. I think it is an honest question... an honest request for advice... and I think it is not respectful at all to respond with such negativity, and as Melo put it.. with such nastiness. One can always express opinions and advice in this forum, but isn't respect a must? Respect for the person.. respect for the person's culture? Respect for the person's beliefs and way he wants his relationships to stand? Wouldn't you think this is what steven was driving at when he mentioned about reporting this to the Administrator? It's not just about flame wars and name-calling.. it is about lack of respect.

One may be familiar with the asian culture, but then again...

yes, it is about strong family ties, and giving support to extended families even... and yes it's true that more than majority of Filipinos live below the poverty line... but the way culture and the general economic situation affects attitudes and character differ with each person. Some are motivated and strive to be self-reliant, some give in to the hardship and embrace the knife so to speak, goign blindly into relationships with only the monetary consideration in mind (I have to mention too that many Filipinas are victimized, getting into marriages to get their familites out of the poverty rut and then getting abused)....still there are some who are genuinely in love with their "rich American boyfriends"... and would even give their own hard-earned money, like what Luz and many "genuine" filipinas would do for the love of their lives. So can't people just give ellmoi, who started this, the benefit of the doubt, and just give her the advice she needs?

I would like to think that it is not about money per se, but the thought that somebody cares enough for you to think of your comfort and freedom from financial stress.

I just wish people were more respectful and understanding.

Gen

Amen. Can we please end this thread respectfully.

[PlatyPius 5]

Someone please take away his CoffeeCup GIF Animator! Please?

[Donna A 4]

this ones for gary...r u sure u will be able to work a 40 hour job again after luz comes here. remember u r supporting her and her family now and u said when she comes here u will only be supporting one household again.

how can u cut her family off when she comes here and become one household again?

u just cant stop helping them because she is here with u.

[GaryC 7]

this ones for gary...r u sure u will be able to work a 40 hour job again after luz comes here. remember u r supporting her and her family now and u said when she comes here u will only be supporting one household again.

how can u cut her family off when she comes here and become one household again?

u just cant stop helping them because she is here with u.

It's already been arranged. Luz and I have talked about that at length. Her mother had a stroke about 6 months ago. She has an aunt that is also disabled. When her mother got ill I had her mother, Luz's sister + kids and her aunt move in with her. It just makes it easier to take care of her mom that way. They do have a small house in another town. When Luz gets her visa her they will all move back to their home in Novaliches. Her sister will take care of her mom until her time comes. I will send money to take care of her mothers needs as long as she is alive. When her mother's time comes that will be the end of it. Her sister is able bodied and can take care of herself. Her disabled aunt will go to another sister's house and they will take care of her. Luz and I both wanted her to keep the family together as long as possable. That is why they have the current arrangement.