monthly support from fiance

[PlatyPius 5]

Let me relate my situation with Luz. It may give the flamers something to reference from.

I have been with Luz for over 2 1/2 years now. When I met her she was working 16 hours each day, 6 or 7 days a week to support her entire family. She has been doing this since her father died when she was young. Since she was the oldest in her family it fell to her to take up the role of the bread winner.

Luz was literally killing herself working as a maid, factory worker and anything else she could find. At one point she was ironing in a shirt factory doing 24 hour shifts every other day to make ends meet. After we were together for about 6 months is when I realized just how hard her life was. She never complained, never asked me for help and always seemed thankful that she was able to do her duty to her family. About 2 years ago I fell on hard times. I lost my job and was living on borrowed money from my family. SHE OFFERED ME MONEY!!!!! I was so touched that she would do that. Of course I didn't accept her offer but it did show me that her love for me was real and she wasn't "gold digging". She stuck with me through a bankruptcy and never wavered in her love for me. I finally got back on my feet and found a good job. I found myself in a position that made it possible for me to start taking some of the load off of her. I told her that I wanted to start supporting her 100%. I had the extra money and I WANTED to do it. So I started sending her $600 every two weeks. When she got sick and needed an operation to save her life I sent her in excess of $3000 to pay for it. The money I send her supports her and her son, her mother, sister and her two kids and a disabled aunt. I look at it as a blessing that I can do this for her. She has worked herself to death for 30 years taking care of her family and now I willingly take up that task. Luz does feel guilty about her "retirement" that I have given her but I insist that this is the way it's going to be. I have the financial means to do this and I want to do it. The only time we ever really argue is when she wants to go back to work to take some of the pressure off of me. I absolutely refuse to let her go back to work. I have told her that when her visa finally comes and we get married that she will never work. Her job will be to take care of me and my home and it will be my job to supply the money. That is the way I want it.

I don't know what has transpired between the OP and her man. I don't know what her situation is or what her man has told her. Each one of us has a different situation and it isn't our place to judge. She may have worded it the wrong way and that has cause some here to jump on her but I say lets cut her some slack.

Nothing really useful to say.... Just wanted to tell you that that is a great story. I keep hoping that I can find a job that pays well enough for me to help Sian with the cost of sending her stuff to the US, buy her plane ticket, etc. She doesn't need my financial help, but I still wish I could.

Thanks for telling some of your story.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Let me relate my situation with Luz. It may give the flamers something to reference from.

I have been with Luz for over 2 1/2 years now. When I met her she was working 16 hours each day, 6 or 7 days a week to support her entire family. She has been doing this since her father died when she was young. Since she was the oldest in her family it fell to her to take up the role of the bread winner.

Luz was literally killing herself working as a maid, factory worker and anything else she could find. At one point she was ironing in a shirt factory doing 24 hour shifts every other day to make ends meet. After we were together for about 6 months is when I realized just how hard her life was. She never complained, never asked me for help and always seemed thankful that she was able to do her duty to her family. About 2 years ago I fell on hard times. I lost my job and was living on borrowed money from my family. SHE OFFERED ME MONEY!!!!! I was so touched that she would do that. Of course I didn't accept her offer but it did show me that her love for me was real and she wasn't "gold digging". She stuck with me through a bankruptcy and never wavered in her love for me. I finally got back on my feet and found a good job. I found myself in a position that made it possible for me to start taking some of the load off of her. I told her that I wanted to start supporting her 100%. I had the extra money and I WANTED to do it. So I started sending her $600 every two weeks. When she got sick and needed an operation to save her life I sent her in excess of $3000 to pay for it. The money I send her supports her and her son, her mother, sister and her two kids and a disabled aunt. I look at it as a blessing that I can do this for her. She has worked herself to death for 30 years taking care of her family and now I willingly take up that task. Luz does feel guilty about her "retirement" that I have given her but I insist that this is the way it's going to be. I have the financial means to do this and I want to do it. The only time we ever really argue is when she wants to go back to work to take some of the pressure off of me. I absolutely refuse to let her go back to work. I have told her that when her visa finally comes and we get married that she will never work. Her job will be to take care of me and my home and it will be my job to supply the money. That is the way I want it.

I don't know what has transpired between the OP and her man. I don't know what her situation is or what her man has told her. Each one of us has a different situation and it isn't our place to judge. She may have worded it the wrong way and that has cause some here to jump on her but I say lets cut her some slack.

Well said, Gary. Unfortunately, this thread has turned into a circle jerk and I don't think anything anyone can say right now is going to stop it short of us reporting this to the VJ Administrator.

[LuzyC 0]

I think there is a cultural thing in the Philippines that families help each other out financially. Jinky has two sisters that are RN's working abroad in Ireland. They saved up and bought the family a house in the Philippines. So it is customary to offer support where and when needed. I understand the outrage people have expressed over her question, but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that her intentions were not bad however misguided she may be. Perhaps she was thinking that since her fiance has asked for her hand in marriage, she's wondering at what point does he become 'part of the family' so to speak? We can assume all we want about her intentions but I thought Visa Journeys is suppose to be a community which offers help to those who have questions. I think after the one hundreth post, she got the answer she was looking for. Seems that a lot of people here relish in making examples out of others. I hope she won't be afraid to ask any other questions regarding her transition to America.

There you go steven..VJ is suppose to be a community that offer/give helpul information to everybody but sad to say.. ...there is some out there...oh well

I read the first post when this thread was probably 2 pages long... my first reaction when I read it was ouch... how can she... but I stopped to think.... I don't really know anything about the OP or the Filipino culture to make an educated response. Many of us just presume we know what's what. Too many are judgemental; too many are just down right nasty. So what if she changed her handle??? So what if she removed her timeline??? Personally, I am fed up with seeing this happen over and over and over again - too much aggression... too much nastiness and too many people who think they know it all. Has the word compassion been removed from your dictionary???

Your very right Melo Just curious to know ..What happened to this people?

[LuzyC 0]

thanks gary , i appreciate it a lot.

You go Girl !!Dont let this ''peoples opinion'' discouraged you..This is nothing compare to what i got when i choose to love Gary,just because im from a what they called poor country,they think that all i want is a free ticket to USA!!,(WHICH I DONT TAKE IT AGAINTS with them).Everybody has its own opinion..it is ok but JUDGE US?Oh well

[*Robert* 2]

Well said, Gary. Unfortunately, this thread has turned into a circle jerk and I don't think anything anyone can say right now is going to stop it short of us reporting this to the VJ Administrator.

What exactly are you going to report to the VJ Administrator? This thread is no different than any other, and there is no flame war going on or name calling. I fail to see why it should be reported.

As to the stories both you and Gary have told, they are not exclusive to the Philippines, but are in fact common to Asian culture in general. In most Asian countries, especially for common workers, there is no Social Security or retirement programs for families when the elderly are no longer able to work. That support comes directly from the family, and the children in particular.

The problem people were having with the OP has NOTHING to do with the examples you and Gary gave, because the OP was talking about support from outside the family and from little more than a new bf.

For a daughter or son to help their family, is very ASIAN, and very common. My wife helps her mother and sister when she can, because they were the ones that put her through college. On the other hand, my wife never asks me for money, or for me to support her family. That is why she can't wait to get a job so she can help her family.

I do have a problem with Gary's post however;

The only time we ever really argue is when she wants to go back to work to take some of the pressure off of me. I absolutely refuse to let her go back to work. I have told her that when her visa finally comes and we get married that she will never work. Her job will be to take care of me and my home and it will be my job to supply the money. That is the way I want it.

That sounds pretty archaic to me, and totally unfair to Luzy. If my wife wants to work, then she can work, and its not for me to tell her she “can’t”. Besides being chauvinistic, it just wouldn’t fly with Chutima, no more than it would if I was told to stay home and “take care” of someone else and their home. This isn’t the dark ages.

[Donna A 4]

ellmoi,

it is not customary in the usa for a man to support his fiance and most men would not like it if u asked them to do so. he doesnt have any responibilty to support u as a fiancee. after all not all people who get engaged get married. sometimes the relationship dont work and why should he be out all that money.

im sorry if u have been flamed by us here. but the philipeans is a high fraud country and with u asking when he should start giving u money makes us believe u are out for a free ride here.

most of us woman also work here and dont depend on a man for anything. im not saying all but most of us. the woman and man both work. becasue it is expensive to live here and if u want nice things then u should both work together for it. we try to be equalls in the partnership.

i hope u understand that because it seams we all are rich in the united states that is not really how it is. we might make good money but we pay out that good money on the cost of things also. these are necessites such as gas to heat the home. can u imagine i pay $400.00 for one month of gas to heat my house this past winter. that 400 would go a long way in the philipeans but not here.

donna

[GaryC 7]

I do have a problem with Gary's post however;

The only time we ever really argue is when she wants to go back to work to take some of the pressure off of me. I absolutely refuse to let her go back to work. I have told her that when her visa finally comes and we get married that she will never work. Her job will be to take care of me and my home and it will be my job to supply the money. That is the way I want it.

That sounds pretty archaic to me, and totally unfair to Luzy. If my wife wants to work, then she can work, and its not for me to tell her she “can’t”. Besides being chauvinistic, it just wouldn’t fly with Chutima, no more than it would if I was told to stay home and “take care” of someone else and their home. This isn’t the dark ages.

It may sound archaic to you but to me it's a traditional relationship. When Luz and I first started getting serious I told her my views on marriage. It was known up-front. It is also what she wants. If you don't believe me ask her yourself. She is online here. This is our relationship and you have no right to pass judgment on it. So please keep it to yourself.

[*Robert* 2]

It may sound archaic to you but to me it's a traditional relationship. When Luz and I first started getting serious I told her my views on marriage. It was known up-front. It is also what she wants. If you don't believe me ask her yourself. She is online here. This is our relationship and you have no right to pass judgment on it. So please keep it to yourself.

Those are my opinions, as well as many others. You will definitely find you are in the minority here. If you don't like people commenting on your relationship, then don't put it out for public consumption.

I'm not passing judgement, you are the one that has a problem telling me to keep my opinions to myself. This is an open disscusion board. If you don't like to read other peoples opinions, just because they go against yours, then don't participate.

Sus santa maria. Hindi ako naniniwala sa'yo!!!

Oh yeah, and if it really is what she wants, then why did you say

The only time we ever really argue is when she wants to go back to work to take some of the pressure off of me

??? Edited August 5, 2006 by roi_aggie

[GaryC 7]

It may sound archaic to you but to me it's a traditional relationship. When Luz and I first started getting serious I told her my views on marriage. It was known up-front. It is also what she wants. If you don't believe me ask her yourself. She is online here. This is our relationship and you have no right to pass judgment on it. So please keep it to yourself.

Those are my opinions, as well as many others. You will definitely find you are in the minority here. If you don't like people commenting on your relationship, then don't put it out for public consumption.

I'm not passing judgement, you are the one that has a problem telling me to keep my opinions to myself. This is an open disscusion board. If you don't like to read other peoples opinions, just because they go against yours, then don't participate.

Sus santa maria. Hindi ako naniniwala sa'yo!!!

Oh yeah, and if it really is what she wants, then why did you say

The only time we ever really argue is when she wants to go back to work to take some of the pressure off of me

???

Because she sees me working 6 days a week and sometimes 12 hour days to take care of her. It's her way of telling me that she loves me. The quote you refer to there is about the present while she is there and I am here. After we are married and I am no longer supporting two households I can go back to a normal 40 hour week and there is no financial reason for her to offer to work. She is a traditional asian woman and is fine with the arrangment of me working and her being the housewife. Just in the here and now she offered to help me out.

If you and your wife both want to work that is your life. I am not passing judgment on it. You say your not passing judgment on my relationship and then you call it archaic and chauvinistic. That sounds like a judgment to me! Get your stories straight!

[ellmoi 0]

thanks gary , i appreciate it a lot.

You go Girl !!Dont let this ''peoples opinion'' discouraged you..This is nothing compare to what i got when i choose to love Gary,just because im from a what they called poor country,they think that all i want is a free ticket to USA!!,(WHICH I DONT TAKE IT AGAINTS with them).Everybody has its own opinion..it is ok but JUDGE US?Oh well

hi luz, thank you for the moral support, and goodluck to you and gary..

[LuzyC 0]

Well said, Gary. Unfortunately, this thread has turned into a circle jerk and I don't think anything anyone can say right now is going to stop it short of us reporting this to the VJ Administrator.

What exactly are you going to report to the VJ Administrator? This thread is no different than any other, and there is no flame war going on or name calling. I fail to see why it should be reported.

As to the stories both you and Gary have told, they are not exclusive to the Philippines, but are in fact common to Asian culture in general. In most Asian countries, especially for common workers, there is no Social Security or retirement programs for families when the elderly are no longer able to work. That support comes directly from the family, and the children in particular.

The problem people were having with the OP has NOTHING to do with the examples you and Gary gave, because the OP was talking about support from outside the family and from little more than a new bf.

For a daughter or son to help their family, is very ASIAN, and very common. My wife helps her mother and sister when she can, because they were the ones that put her through college. On the other hand, my wife never asks me for money, or for me to support her family. That is why she can't wait to get a job so she can help her family.

I do have a problem with Gary's post however;

The only time we ever really argue is when she wants to go back to work to take some of the pressure off of me. I absolutely refuse to let her go back to work. I have told her that when her visa finally comes and we get married that she will never work. Her job will be to take care of me and my home and it will be my job to supply the money. That is the way I want it.

That sounds pretty archaic to me, and totally unfair to Luzy. If my wife wants to work, then she can work, and its not for me to tell her she “can’t”. Besides being chauvinistic, it just wouldn’t fly with Chutima, no more than it would if I was told to stay home and “take care” of someone else and their home. This isn’t the dark ages.

Roi_Aggie..

SUS MARYA!!ANONG PROBLEMA MO?We maybe argue about me working but i agree wholeheartedly if Gary dont want me to work,If i get the chance to get my Precious Visa and be with Gary then by all means i will be a wife to him, and taking care his house and all his needs..nothing wrong with that!!Being a wife and taking good care a husband is a career im gladly to choose!

Pls dont say very offending words..as Melo say have some compassion to others and may i add respect(wala ka nun eh)

And who are you telling My sweetie that dont participate?If you think You have opinion then we have our own also!!

Now,Go home and magtanim ka ng kamote!!!

[ellmoi 0]

Now,Go home and magtanim ka ng kamote!!!

magtanim ng kamote...

Luz ang puso mo, ang puso mo..dahan dahan lang..

[PlatyPius 5]

She is a traditional asian woman and is fine with the arrangment of me working and her being the housewife.

Thought people from the Philippines were Pacific Islanders?

[*Robert* 2]

Now,Go home and magtanim ka ng kamote!!!

magtanim ng kamote...

Luz ang puso mo, ang puso mo..dahan dahan lang..

kahit ano... wala akong paki-alam

Roi_Aggie..

SUS MARYA!!ANONG PROBLEMA MO?We maybe argue about me working but i agree wholeheartedly if Gary dont want me to work,If i get the chance to get my Precious Visa and be with Gary then by all means i will be a wife to him, and taking care his house and all his needs..nothing wrong with that!!Being a wife and taking good care a husband is a career im gladly to choose!

Pls dont say very offending words..as Melo say have some compassion to others and may i add respect(wala ka nun eh)

And who are you telling My sweetie that dont participate?If you think You have opinion then we have our own also!!

Now,Go home and magtanim ka ng kamote!!!

Ang pangalan ko si Robert, at wala akong problema. Ano ang gagawin mo, bahala ka, talaga. Ikaw naman magtanim ka ng kamote!

[kismet 0]

Hi again,

If I may just put in my two-centavos worth...(i'm hoping i don't get nabbed for adopting the american idiom in the filipino context)

The negative expressions put forth by many of our esteemed VJers against ellmoi's query frankly put me off, thus my contribution to this thread. I think it is an honest question... an honest request for advice... and I think it is not respectful at all to respond with such negativity, and as Melo put it.. with such nastiness. One can always express opinions and advice in this forum, but isn't respect a must? Respect for the person.. respect for the person's culture? Respect for the person's beliefs and way he wants his relationships to stand? Wouldn't you think this is what steven was driving at when he mentioned about reporting this to the Administrator? It's not just about flame wars and name-calling.. it is about lack of respect.

One may be familiar with the asian culture, but then again...

yes, it is about strong family ties, and giving support to extended families even... and yes it's true that more than majority of Filipinos live below the poverty line... but the way culture and the general economic situation affects attitudes and character differ with each person. Some are motivated and strive to be self-reliant, some give in to the hardship and embrace the knife so to speak, goign blindly into relationships with only the monetary consideration in mind (I have to mention too that many Filipinas are victimized, getting into marriages to get their familites out of the poverty rut and then getting abused)....still there are some who are genuinely in love with their "rich American boyfriends"... and would even give their own hard-earned money, like what Luz and many "genuine" filipinas would do for the love of their lives. So can't people just give ellmoi, who started this, the benefit of the doubt, and just give her the advice she needs?

I would like to think that it is not about money per se, but the thought that somebody cares enough for you to think of your comfort and freedom from financial stress.

I just wish people were more respectful and understanding.

Gen