Is this what marriage is going to be like?

[JenT 0]

Seldi,

One way to discern whether this is going to be a "habit" or whether this is just related to this process is the evidence you see in other areas of his life...

1. if he says he's going to do something (mail a letter, go shopping for something specific, or whatever), does he do it, or does it get put off?

2. is he generally organized with respect to his paperwork, files, housekeeping, or does he let stuff go?

3. if he lets stuff go, is it never-ending, or does he eventually get around to doing things himself?

4. does he perform chores, like change a light bulb, laundry, or take out the garbage without being reminded?

If he has initiative in other areas of his life, this may be as you suggest... due to his unfamiliarity/confusion about what's really required, and not wanting to let you down by making a 'mistake'.

If he lacks initiative, then you're going to have to decide what you are willing to accept and go from there.

Jen

[rebeccajo 14]

I did all our paperwork. But my husband ordered his police report way early on and like ceriserose's hubby, he was ready to Jump whenever I said. He even e-mailed the embassy a couple of times when I asked him too. And trust me, he IS the world's greatest procrastinator. When I flew over to attend his interview and bring him back to America, he was no where close to having his house emptied out *rolls eyes*.

I don't know how old your fiance is, but a lot of young people who have never pushed papers before seem to think that the directions don't pertain to them. They don't realize that a lack of planning on their part doesn't constitute an emergency on somebody else's part. Like a governmental body.

If you don't kill him over this, maybe it will be a valuable lessor for him.

Edited August 3, 2006 by rebeccajo

[danae 0]

I've also sent him tons of links that explain the whole process, forms, requirements, timelines to help him understand(or so I thought). Yet, he doesn't even know what a I-134 is.

Maybe you're overwhelming him with too much information. There really is alot to keep track of. What I did with my fiance (at the time) was really only tell him what he needed to know. If I tried to show him all the forms and explain every in and out, and expect him to know it like the back of his hand like I did, I would have been sorely disappointed. I filled out the forms and sent them to him and told him where to sign. He was responsible for getting passport photos, police certificate, and birth certificate translation. We then went over all of our evidence together to prepare him for the interview.

I was the same. My hub actually knew very little of what was going on, he just got what he needed to get (which did take some nagging however!) and I took care of everything. This was because I dont really mind doing forms etc and he is very dyslexic and I knew he would have become overwhelmed if I bombarded him with everything.

To the OP, I really feel like the language barrier may play a role in this. I guess in a way, the way T's dyslexia would have.

Also, with some guys its just a case of the more you nag, the slower they become. Who knows why!?

You believe everything happens for a reason- that is fine, you need to search out some reasoning in this situation. I believe we make our own destiny- so if it were me I would discuss everything with my partner and work things out from there.

Best of luck

[Garfield fan 0]

I had similar experience with hubby, only he is the USC. He also procrastinated everything (tax returns, pay stubs, etc.) I just kept telling him everyday that he needed to do this and that and told him when I wanted them to be done. He didn't have any ideas on how this whole immigration process worked, I sent him bunch of links and info, he read some of them but often said he was too tired to do that. He worked night shift so sometimes it didn't help because he would be too sleepy to take care of things during the day. Other thing that made it even worse is he has mild ADD, he could not concentrate on one thing for too long, sometimes his minds keep jumping around from one thing to another, so thick bunch of paperwork is his worst enemy. Therefore we hired lawyer for our K3 part and he really guided him through the whole process.

After I came here, I can see why he did what he did during our immigration process. He just doesn't pay attention to details and he cannot handle daily routine stuff, like paying bills, etc. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love me or he is a bad person for me, it's just who he is. That's why now I am in charge for our financial stuff and daily paperwork

My suggestion for the OP is to be more pro-active reminding him of what he needs to do, don't be afraid that you might nag him to death. If he complains about that, tell him that that's only for the best for both of you. Tell him you need things to be done on time because it will affect the visa and it will make you two separated longer. If he really loves you and is serious about your relationship, he will understand and try to do his share. If he "cracks" under your pressure, then maybe it just wasn't meant to be...

[hockeygal 0]

Seldi - I know you came on here to vent because you are frustrated. JenT's advice is sensible, if you want advice, to look at other areas of his life and how he handles them if his current behaviour is upsetting you.

Just don't start comparing your relationship to what other people's relationships are like. None of us can possibly have a clue as to what actually goes on in your relationship, how you or your fiance handle stress, how you communicate, etc. We also don't know if you are really thinking about ending it, or just irritated! We can say worry, we can say don't worry, but we are strangers on a website. Vent. Hear different points of view. But don't analyze or compare your relationship to anything you read about online. (That's MY opinion anyway!)

[Alex+R 0]

Hi Seldi. I think I might really know how you feel (as much as one person can feel another person's pain, I guess!) because I also went through this. I am not at the consulate stage yet, but I'm worried about it!

I know that in other areas of his life, he is very disorganized. He gets to work late, pays his rent late, etc. but when I tell him something is important to me, he will make the effort. When I said it bothered me he didn't take out the trash and I always did it, he made the effort. And when I told him how much it bothered me that I was the only one doing the K1 research, he made the effort to find out a little more. I'm not saying he knows as much as I do, or ALWAYS took out the garbage, but because I said something, he at least tried. Which was what was important to me.

Is he really aware of how important this is to you?

[KarenCee 3]

Seldi - I know you came on here to vent because you are frustrated. JenT's advice is sensible, if you want advice, to look at other areas of his life and how he handles them if his current behaviour is upsetting you.

Just don't start comparing your relationship to what other people's relationships are like. None of us can possibly have a clue as to what actually goes on in your relationship, how you or your fiance handle stress, how you communicate, etc. We also don't know if you are really thinking about ending it, or just irritated! We can say worry, we can say don't worry, but we are strangers on a website. Vent. Hear different points of view. But don't analyze or compare your relationship to anything you read about online. (That's MY opinion anyway!)

Very good advice here I can't say what I would do because Joel was right there beside me (metaphorically speaking) the whole time and did his share of paperwork and research. At the same time, none of us can really tell you what to do or how you should feel or react to this. Only you can know deep in your heart. It's good though, that we all have this place to come to for advice and help.

*HUGS* Hope things settle for you...whatever you decide.

[canadalaura 0]

My husband was like that during the visa process, but he was less involved as I kinda took over the paperwork myself, it was SO annoying. He didn't really grasp the seriousness of the whole process being the USC who's life wasn't being uprooted.

Now that we have the AOS interview coming up though and he is involved because he has to be there he is freaking more than me!

Maybe it's his reaction to stress or something... I cetainly don't think that he will nessecarily be this way through your whole marriage, unless you have other reasons to beleive that.

[Bosco 1]

When it came time for my husband (then fiance) to do his part, I let it go. He told me the things he needed to do but I didn't monitor it. If he had a question, he asked. He would tell me "I got this translated today" or "I am going to the doctor next week" but it never even crossed my mind to make sure he was doing what needed to be done. I just assumed he would (and he did).

I think what is really comes down to whether or not he is really not doing it or just not doing it the way you would like him to get it done. If he isn't doing it, you need to figure out why. If he isn't doing it the way you want him to, it may give yourself some peace of mind to try to let it go and have faith in him.

I hope it works out for you.

Rebecca

[almaty 19]

are there no happy couples left?

[Miranda&James 8]

are there no happy couples left?

Yes, we're happy However, it's a LOT of work! Completely worth it though!

[almaty 19]

are there no happy couples left?

Yes, we're happy However, it's a LOT of work! Completely worth it though!

a sweet and fine couple indeed..brother dean

[ceriserose 1]

are there no happy couples left?

There's one couple in our house that's very happy!

[*Robert* 2]

...but if you want support and help in yourl ife...and you aren't getting it on the one thing that is going to bring you together...it might be a bad sign.

I agree. Though I put all the paperwork together, filled out all the forms, and made all the arrangements, it still required Chutima to do what she needed to do, when she needed to do it, and she DID. No complaints, no delays. Neither one of us could stand putting any part of the process off any longer than we had too, because we wanted it to be finished and be together as soon as possible.

If someone is not doing their part, or procrastinating in a procedure as important as getting a visa, then it is a bad sign, because in life, there are still many more challenges and critical events to take place. You don't want to have to go through this everytime.

[vartan 0]

Seldi,

This is somewhat happening to me right now too .. But you know what I think it is.. They don't have the community we do .. cause I have been asking my fiance to start to get things together and it seems like she may be dragging feet.. But she just doesn't have the support I have.. He is the one that is leaving his family and country behind for you .. he has alot more to lose and a lot more stress.. And its hard for us to see that.. You are ok .. it will be ok once you guys are together. I know.

Remind 'em that you love them and help them.. I would call the embassy yourself and ask them .. anything that can help them .. they are the ones who should be having all the stress not us.

Edited August 3, 2006 by vartan