Religion used as weapon in divorce

[scandal 951]

From 1970 to 2000, the percentage of interfaith marriages in the Jewish community rose from 17 percent to 47 percent. According to the American Religious Identification Survey conducted by researchers from the Graduate Center of City University of New York, interfaith households are three times more likely to end in divorce as families in which both parents share the same faith.

My first marriage to a Jewish wife ended in messy divorce. My second is to a non-Jewish wife. I guess I just like bucking the trends.

Religion used as weapon in divorce

Court case has Jews confronting questions about interfaith marriage

April 11, 2010

Rabbi Michael Tillman is one of the rare rabbis in Chicago who flout traditional Jewish objections to interfaith marriage and unite couples in matrimony, as long as one of them is Jewish.

Tillman does not urge conversion. He does not require a pledge to raise children in the Jewish faith. He simply counsels the husband and wife to respect each other's religious traditions and love one another for better or for worse.

Interfaith separations are fueling an already contentious debate in the Jewish community. The more combative the divorce, the more likely a non-negotiable issue such as religion becomes a battlefield.

Tillman married Joseph and Rebecca Reyes, a couple now embroiled in a bitter court battle regarding their daughter's religious upbringing. On Tuesday, a judge is expected to rule in the divorce proceedings.

Another judge will decide later this month whether Joseph Reyes should face a charge of contempt for taking his daughter to Mass at Holy Name Cathedral after a judge barred him from exposing his daughter to anything besides Judaism — an injunction Joseph Reyes calls unconstitutional. The prohibition came after he sent photographs of the daughter's baptism to his estranged Jewish wife, who had not given consent.

"When there is a conflict and the couple is basically going for a head-on collision, they will utilize everything," said Tillman, who married the couple in 2004. "Religious difference is one of the most obvious tools to use for that because it is a difference. … When you create an interfaith marriage, it is not some kind of condition or state of mind. It is a learning experience. It is a process."

In other words, it's a lot of hard work, interfaith proponents say. So, when the commitment to the relationship falters, so does the promise to foster interfaith harmony.

"It's a very big issue," said Ruth Abrams, managing editor of InterfaithFamily.com, an online resource for interfaith relationships. "The same issues you have when you're married — when you have to negotiate like crazy — you have after you get divorced, but it's much harder, because where's your motivation?"

On that point, the courts and clergy often agree. The motivation should be the best interest of the child.

"In the case of divorce, you want to put the children's interests first," said Rabbi Evan Moffic, of Congregation Solel in Highland Park. He also performs interfaith marriages. "Using a child's religion as a weapon of spite, which it sounds like is happening, is unethical and immoral from any religious perspective. I'd hope all religious leaders would urge couples in the midst of an interfaith divorce not to engage in this kind of behavior."

Eugene Volokh, a First Amendment specialist and law professor at the University of California who has followed the Reyes' case, said courts tend to take a similar approach. In other words, a judge can prevent a parent from exposing a child to a religion if — and only if — the religious conflict puts that child at risk.

"If, for example, there is some evidence that the child is getting upset because of the religious conflict — because one religion is teaching the child that the other parent is going to hell or somehow the child feels some tension because he's being exposed to two different religions — then you can prevent imminent harm to the child," he said.

From 1970 to 2000, the percentage of interfaith marriages in the Jewish community rose from 17 percent to 47 percent. According to the American Religious Identification Survey conducted by researchers from the Graduate Center of City University of New York, interfaith households are three times more likely to end in divorce as families in which both parents share the same faith.

In many interfaith marriages, research reveals, individuals tend to feel more aligned with their own religion when they wed someone of another faith. Sylvia Barack Fishman, a professor at Brandeis University and author of "Double or Nothing? Jewish Families and Mixed Marriage," said divorce might not amplify that effect, but it certainly turns up the tension.

"They're conscious of religion in an intense way," Fishman said. "Especially around children, it can be fiercely competitive."

That is further complicated by the right of primary custodians to make decisions about religious education — something that most often takes place on weekends, when the other parent has custody.

Paul Golin, associate executive director of the Jewish Outreach Institute, said divorce in general is still too taboo a subject in religious institutions. Interfaith marriage also remains anathema in some congregations.

"I would hope that this would not become a referendum on interfaith marriage," Golin said.

The goal, Abrams said, is for children to be raised Jewish. When a rabbi is willing to perform an interfaith wedding, the likelihood of the children being raised Jewish is greater, she said. When a rabbi is willing to help broker an interfaith divorce, the chances are even better that the child will be raised Jewish too.

Moffic said he does engage in some arbitration.

"We have to look at what is really in the child's best interest," he said. "Usually, when everyone sits down together and talks with the right open spiritual guidance, they can reach a decision."

[Rocky_nBullwinkle 6]

I think being able to agree on what toppings to put on a pizza is more important than whether or not the husband and wife have the same religion.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

My first marriage to a Jewish wife ended in messy divorce. My second is to a non-Jewish wife. I guess I just like bucking the trends.

A messy Jewish divorce, imagine that. Scandal, my heart goes out to you, ex-wifey is indeed a harridan.