Pre-nuptial agreement!!!

[dianne 0]

Hi I'm From Philippines,Married to the USC for more than a month.we've been in a relationship for 1 year and a half before decided to apply for k1 visa.Now I'm in the state Married to the most wonderful person and I love him more than anything in this world.

Before we got married which is after the approval and my arrival in the state,there's one time he open up the subject about"Pre-nuptial agreement"That time I felt deeply hurt and don't understand why is he thinking of that,I felt betrayed at the time,When we were on the "gf-bf stage we really don't talk about this to apply this kind of thing when we get married,although we talked some people's situation and just don't say much word about it.and I really don't expect that it'll come my way.

So as I said above he mentioned the pre-nuptial once,but we haven't finished the discussion as the first thing I reacted was cried,deeply hurt that time,though I understand later on as we've been through alot and maybe enough for him to distrust a bit of our situation.He is only son,and dad dies few years ago,his mom left with some real estate properties and some apartments,so what he told me is that if I will signed the pre nuptial,his mom will gave him what his dad left for him,and he can used it building our future.So I said why do we need a pre-nuptial agreement for that?as we both know he's in control of everything now and I'm not in after all what he gets.He said that his mom wont gave it to him as long as I signed the pre-nuptial agreement.

so a month passed and we got married without further discussion of that matters.We eloped and married without anyone in there Than two of us and the minister.Now I admit it still bother's me,although we haven't talk about that anymore,but there's a time that he told me like how he's mom having a hard time managing the properties that he's dad left,and how he's mom waste the money that he's dad worked so hard before.Sometimes this made me think of opening the"Pre-Nuptial thing"but don't know what to do and what should I tell him,I am new here we haven't process the AOS,honestly I felt if I signed that agreement I am not secure anymore,and that made me also felt I couldn't trust him much as I trust him before and now as I felt he didn't trust me by making that agreement.There's some night I kept thinking of this,I wanted to signed that agreement to give him peace of mind,but I wonder what will change and what will happened after?

My status now is bother by this,as if I signed I don't felt any secured as I don't have a job right now and couldn't apply as I got no permit yet.Second I spend all my money I have in my bank account,for groceries and some clothes as my clothes when I got here wont work of the cold.He is in control of everything right now.We don't have Joint account yet.So I felt in need of looking a job ASAP.

Guys I just want to make clear,my husband is really a nice person,I love him so much more than anything in this whole world.I wanted to give him peace of mind but don't know what will happened to me after?should I expect a big change?what should I do?my mind is really messed up rightnow,please I need any advice.

QUESTIONS:

WHO AMONG OF YOU GUYS WENT THROUGH PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT?AND WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ABOUT THIS?

is this really need in marriage?

is the trust not enough?

or this is not about trust this is just about security?

If I Do have to open up this to my husband what should I tell him that we both don't get hurt?

I love him and I am ready to signed if this give him peace of mind.

we got married without this agreement,but there's a time he told me about how his mom got hard time with this property while he can help if I signed and his mom will give the property of what he's dad left.

My mom when she found Out we got married,She asked him if we have a"pre-nuptial agreement.don't know what he told her.probably"No we don't.

He's mom gave as a gift card with few hundred amount each,I bought a thing and the rest I gave him to help paid some bills as he said he's going to used his card to pay bills.

I haven't called her a mom as I don't know if she will like it or not,she's my mother in-law,what should I call her?should I send her letter and asked her if she want's me to call her mom?I am messed.

His mom got a big house,she live alone,I offered a help for free to help her clean the yards,and anything she needed as she is getting old and I felt bad as she works there alone,while im sitting here nothing to do.I told her anything she needed help she can call me and I don't ask her to pay me I will be happy to help and have a glass of iced tea.I love them both as they were only my family here in the state.

one more question

How do you wives handle things here?and what are your responsibility?

This is my first married so maybe needed some advice

Very sorry guys if this is really a long post.

[rheanick 42]

Hi I'm From Philippines,Married to the USC for more than a month.we've been in a relationship for 1 year and a half before decided to apply for k1 visa.Now I'm in the state Married to the most wonderful person and I love him more than anything in this world.

Before we got married which is after the approval and my arrival in the state,there's one time he open up the subject about"Pre-nuptial agreement"That time I felt deeply hurt and don't understand why is he thinking of that,I felt betrayed at the time,When we were on the "gf-bf stage we really don't talk about this to apply this kind of thing when we get married,although we talked some people's situation and just don't say much word about it.and I really don't expect that it'll come my way.

So as I said above he mentioned the pre-nuptial once,but we haven't finished the discussion as the first thing I reacted was cried,deeply hurt that time,though I understand later on as we've been through alot and maybe enough for him to distrust a bit of our situation.He is only son,and dad dies few years ago,his mom left with some real estate properties and some apartments,so what he told me is that if I will signed the pre nuptial,his mom will gave him what his dad left for him,and he can used it building our future.So I said why do we need a pre-nuptial agreement for that?as we both know he's in control of everything now and I'm not in after all what he gets.He said that his mom wont gave it to him as long as I signed the pre-nuptial agreement.

so a month passed and we got married without further discussion of that matters.We eloped and married without anyone in there Than two of us and the minister.Now I admit it still bother's me,although we haven't talk about that anymore,but there's a time that he told me like how he's mom having a hard time managing the properties that he's dad left,and how he's mom waste the money that he's dad worked so hard before.Sometimes this made me think of opening the"Pre-Nuptial thing"but don't know what to do and what should I tell him,I am new here we haven't process the AOS,honestly I felt if I signed that agreement I am not secure anymore,and that made me also felt I couldn't trust him much as I trust him before and now as I felt he didn't trust me by making that agreement.There's some night I kept thinking of this,I wanted to signed that agreement to give him peace of mind,but I wonder what will change and what will happened after?

My status now is bother by this,as if I signed I don't felt any secured as I don't have a job right now and couldn't apply as I got no permit yet.Second I spend all my money I have in my bank account,for groceries and some clothes as my clothes when I got here wont work of the cold.He is in control of everything right now.We don't have Joint account yet.So I felt in need of looking a job ASAP.

Guys I just want to make clear,my husband is really a nice person,I love him so much more than anything in this whole world.I wanted to give him peace of mind but don't know what will happened to me after?should I expect a big change?what should I do?my mind is really messed up rightnow,please I need any advice.

QUESTIONS:

WHO AMONG OF YOU GUYS WENT THROUGH PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT?AND WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ABOUT THIS?

is this really need in marriage?

is the trust not enough?

or this is not about trust this is just about security?

If I Do have to open up this to my husband what should I tell him that we both don't get hurt?

I love him and I am ready to signed if this give him peace of mind.

we got married without this agreement,but there's a time he told me about how his mom got hard time with this property while he can help if I signed and his mom will give the property of what he's dad left.

My mom when she found Out we got married,She asked him if we have a"pre-nuptial agreement.don't know what he told her.probably"No we don't.

He's mom gave as a gift card with few hundred amount each,I bought a thing and the rest I gave him to help paid some bills as he said he's going to used his card to pay bills.

I haven't called her a mom as I don't know if she will like it or not,she's my mother in-law,what should I call her?should I send her letter and asked her if she want's me to call her mom?I am messed.

His mom got a big house,she live alone,I offered a help for free to help her clean the yards,and anything she needed as she is getting old and I felt bad as she works there alone,while im sitting here nothing to do.I told her anything she needed help she can call me and I don't ask her to pay me I will be happy to help and have a glass of iced tea.I love them both as they were only my family here in the state.

one more question

How do you wives handle things here?and what are your responsibility?

This is my first married so maybe needed some advice

Very sorry guys if this is really a long post.

A prenuptial is signed before you got married. My understanding, you got married without signing a pre-nuptial. So why are you bothered when you dont even have it.

[DanielParul 50]

I understand how you feel. I would be hurt if my husband would have raised the issue too. I do understand that he might think that he has a lot to lose if the marriage does not work out but then he also needs to understand that you have left your Country, job, family and everything familiar to be with him and there needs to be some level of trust between both of you to make it work. I do think that he should have talked to you about the prenup while you were still in your country and not now that you are here and dependant on him. Don't get histerical over it and cry every time the topic comes up but discuss openly how it makes you feel when he shows this lack of trust in you and your marriage. Just not a good way to start your marriage. Good luck!

[Brother Hesekiel 2,235]

If you marry that wonderful man for love, and your marriage lasts as long as you hope for (as long as death do you part), the prenuptual has no meaning. It's like its never existed and nothing to worry about.

You have to see it as an insurance policy. Only under the conditions outlined in the prenup (which we don't know), when you get a divorce, he is protecting everything he worked for his entire life before he even knew you. You would be still entitled to some alimony, again, depending on your State's law.

Imagine a multi-millionaire marrying a gold digger. Shortly after the marriage, she divorces him, then wants half of his fortune. To prevent that, it's rather common today to set up a pre-nup, especially if one partner has a lot of assets, and the other one has very little.

The bottom line, right to the point, is this: you sign the pre-nup, or you do not get married. If I wanted a pre-nup, and my wife-to-be refuses to sign it, it would tell me that she's in it for the money, exactly what I would be afraid of and wanted myself to protect from. So I wouldn't marry her.

[nane1104 146]

Since you are married already, you can't do a pre-nup anymore. I guess you could still set up a contract with your husband that would contain paragraphs you'd usually have in a prenup.

I understand why you would be upset about his idea of a pre-nup. However, it doesn't have to only protect him or "the richer spouse".

You can also have pre-nups that say "if you ever cheat, you won't get anything",...that is totally up to the couple what they put in a pre-nup. It's all about protecting your interests.

If you feel like this is now standing between you and your husband because of the estate and his mom and all that, I'd definitley bring it up to him. Ask him what exactly he would have put in there and see what it is actually all about.

I am sure that if he loves you the same as you love him, he is not about "screwing you over" or anything. I know it's a touchy subject, but don't let it become a problem down the road.

all the best!

[SuperDuper! 230]

Not sure what state you are in in US, but if you are in a western state, then you are in a "community property state" under the laws there. Those laws clearly outline what is "separate" and then "community" property. THose laws go far in "protecting" individuals in their assets owned prior to marriage. Also, it protects each person to taking ownership of the other's debts incurred prior to a marriage. Thus, a pre-nup doesnt do as much as we like to think. Above all, a prenup has to be FAIR, to both parties; otherwise, the judge will just void it.

Unless a guy owns a substantial business that can grow, or owns multiple properties in various states of finance (inherited property and assets are CLEARLY recognized as separate property, thus a prenup is not needed to protect them), then a prenup may not do much but cause a rift btwn the couple, and cost at least $2500 bucks, and it is prepared like having a divorce in advance.

In an inherited home, or one already paid off, As long as the man does not allow the woman to pay any money into the home to remodel or something, then it is CLEARLY his. But once wage earnings are intermingled in the same acct, and then that money is used to pay off a mortgage, then the woman has a dividable interest in that home. Obviously, if he adds the woman;s name to the title, then it is half hers.

I hope your guy did his homework before he started the awkward and uncomfortable process of trying to sell you on signing a pre-nup.

Cheers!

Edited April 5, 2010 by Hopp

[VanessaTony 3,567]

If you marry that wonderful man for love, and your marriage lasts as long as you hope for (as long as death do you part), the prenuptual has no meaning. It's like its never existed and nothing to worry about.

You have to see it as an insurance policy. Only under the conditions outlined in the prenup (which we don't know), when you get a divorce, he is protecting everything he worked for his entire life before he even knew you. You would be still entitled to some alimony, again, depending on your State's law.

Imagine a multi-millionaire marrying a gold digger. Shortly after the marriage, she divorces him, then wants half of his fortune. To prevent that, it's rather common today to set up a pre-nup, especially if one partner has a lot of assets, and the other one has very little.

The bottom line, right to the point, is this: you sign the pre-nup, or you do not get married. If I wanted a pre-nup, and my wife-to-be refuses to sign it, it would tell me that she's in it for the money, exactly what I would be afraid of and wanted myself to protect from. So I wouldn't marry her.

Exactly right. I don't understand this "lack of trust" argument. I think it's important to be realistic. As much as we WANT things to always be rosy and happy, we can't see into the future and we don't know what will happen and I understand someone wants to protect themselves and their property BUT I would equally want MYSELF protected.

As you are married, it is no longer called a "pre-nuptial" agreement. "pre" means before, "nuptials" basically means marriage so it is signed "before marriage". You would now be looking at a post-nuptial agreement http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/dmpost.html

You can include things like:

- if either cheats then X happens

- if there are X number of children then you get paid X per child

- if you are married more than X years then X happens (such as you get paid an allowance of X, or an amount of X and then allowance of X)

Or you could exclude all that with a simple, anything that is in the family remains in the family. So his family business stays in his name, anything made during the marriage is split 60/40 or something like that, property is X. It's about being fair.

I'm a realist. My husband and I entered the relationship on the same financial level (me possible a little bit more.. negligible though) so one wasn't needed. We also have a family trust (my parents) so if we ever divorced he couldn't touch anything owned by the trust (houses, money, cars.. whatever). I want him to feel safe in the relationship and if that means me signing that I don't want his precious cars/tools etc then I would happily do it, just as he would with me and anything I want "safe". While he and I love each other and don't ever want to divorce, we've seen, and been in relationships where things change suddenly.

It's also important that you write your Wills. You probably want to protect your parents and make sure they get SOMETHING if you pass on before him, so in the post-nup agreement you could have an "on death" thing where he gives money to your family (maybe, speak with a lawyer). You could also get a life insurance policy with your parents as beneficiaries as well as your husband.

Try not to think of this as him not trusting you, he just doesn't trust the FUTURE, and what life will throw at you. He wants to protect you, his family, your family, your kids etc AS WELL AS himself.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

QUESTIONS:

WHO AMONG OF YOU GUYS WENT THROUGH PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT?AND WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ABOUT THIS?

1. is this really need in marriage?

2. is the trust not enough?

3. or this is not about trust this is just about security?

4. If I Do have to open up this to my husband what should I tell him that we both don't get hurt?

5. she's my mother in-law,what should I call her? should I send her letter and asked her if she want's me to call her mom?I am messed.

6. How do you wives handle things here?and what are your responsibility?

His mom got a big house,she live alone,I offered a help for free to help her clean the yards,and anything she needed as she is getting old and I felt bad as she works there alone,while im sitting here nothing to do.I told her anything she needed help she can call me and I don't ask her to pay me I will be happy to help and have a glass of iced tea.I love them both as they were only my family here in the state.

1. It's not NEEDED, but some people really like having the security of it. Especially in times where one is significantly better off than the other

2. He trusts you enough to marry you without one. It's likely though that he is really uncomfortable because his mother and perhaps father, had one so he's used to them. I would sign one, but only if you've read it and had your OWN lawyer look at it. It's a post-nuptial agreement for YOU as well as him.

3. It isn't completely about trust, it's more about security, for you, your family, for him and his family and your children when and if you have them

4. Tell him that you're open to the idea of a post-nup and that you would like to speak with a lawyer (with a translator) to discuss the ins and outs so you're BOTH protected.

5. I call my MIL by her first name. She's not my mother, she's my husband's mother. She may prefer Mrs. X, or might want you calling her mom. Can't hurt to ask your husband to ask, or ask her yourself.

6. I don't work right now so I do whatever I like, and whatever I can. I do the laundry, dishes and i cook. I clean the house occasionally. That's not to say my husband doesn't do those things, we've discussed what he and I expect so he just wants me happy and as such I want him happy. So I do what I can to make him happy (within reason of course). Perhaps sit down with your husband and talk about it?

As for helping his mother, talk to your husband about that as well. Maybe you could have her over for dinner where you can talk about whether she would like some help (free of course) and also so you can spend some time together.

Best of luck

Edited April 5, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[dianne 0]

Not sure what state you are in in US, but if you are in a western state, then you are in a "community property state" under the laws there. Those laws clearly outline what is "separate" and then "community" property. THose laws go far in "protecting" individuals in their assets owned prior to marriage. Also, it protects each person to taking ownership of the other's debts incurred prior to a marriage. Thus, a pre-nup doesnt do as much as we like to think. Above all, a prenup has to be FAIR, to both parties; otherwise, the judge will just void it.

Unless a guy owns a substantial business that can grow, or owns multiple properties in various states of finance (inherited property and assets are CLEARLY recognized as separate property, thus a prenup is not needed to protect them), then a prenup may not do much but cause a rift btwn the couple, and cost at least $2500 bucks, and it is prepared like having a divorce in advance.

In an inherited home, or one already paid off, As long as the man does not allow the woman to pay any money into the home to remodel or something, then it is CLEARLY his. But once wage earnings are intermingled in the same acct, and then that money is used to pay off a mortgage, then the woman has a dividable interest in that home. Obviously, if he adds the woman;s name to the title, then it is half hers.

I hope your guy did his homework before he started the awkward and uncomfortable process of trying to sell you on signing a pre-nup.

Cheers!

fellows above thanks for the very quick response!

Ok,Here's the point,we got married without doing any prenup,do we talked about that,but due to my reaction at first we haven't done any of that and still he marry me,I understand his point,but also I am having a hard time understanding his side at first as I am from different culture and in my country that isn't too common as we were all what mine is yours and what yours is mine,so it's difficult especially when I grew up my parents raised us with all the love they could and we never heard any of these problems as my dad works and mom works and help each other.Never complain or anything,but then in my situation I started to understand how he needs this thing which is I think of these over and over,and I decided that if this will give him peace of mind I will signed that paper whatever it needs to get done.But the thing is he never open the topic anymore after what I reacted the first time he open this.So now I wanted to asked him about this but thing is, I don't know how to say to him without hurting or making him think something.I should not be bother as we are married already,but there were times that he talks about how his mom getting old and still managing the property while he can help.So that makes me feel like"what if I will signed and agreement that whatever his property is his.I don't honestly think taking whatever things he has,I only wanted him to be happy and not worried or anything which is why I wanna open the topic once again and letting him know how I feel about it.

Why did I post it here with all those questions?because I am not sure really what will happened once I did signed it,I felt that I am not secured my self as I don't have work yet.

So do you guys think I should wait till I can have a Job,and tell him I'm all ready to signed agreement about those property he is going to inherit from his dad?

One thing I am very independent person as I started to live in my apartment and work when I am 18,I am not used on asking what I need I work hard,which is I am having a hard time if I don't work and my savings is running out while I don't have yet my income.I told him that I wanted to work first while we don't have kids yet,so that we can help each other.Our first plan before was to have kids and build our family,we wanted to have kids since last year,but it change when I got her,his mom told him to wait 1 year or so,and now my husband said we should wait 1 year so I wonder if is it because his mom told him to wait.I known him pretty responsible and independent also but I wonder why he changed his mind though by having kids first.

[Audy_Rob 26]

1) You are right, it is a really long post.

2) State laws govern Pre-nuptial agreements and divorce matters.

3) The fact that you are married does not preclude the option of a separation or divorce agreement.

4) My advice is: Tell him you want to sign the pre-nuptial agreement but he must also agree to some conditions.

a) He has to open a joint account which allows you independent access to some money for personal reasons.

b) He must provide you with your own attorney to represent your interests in formulating (writing) the pre-nuptial agreement. This makes sure his side of the pre-nup is fair and also makes sure you are covered and you understand the laws and policies of the pre-nup.

Many states require that each party has their own independent pre-nup to explain the terms and protect both parties at the time the pre-nup is written. If you do not have your own individual attorney paid by him, you will not sign as it probably will not be valid anyway in court.

c) Make sure he provides you access to a credit card and other reasonable access to joint money accounts now.

d) Do not abuse the privilege. I know you will not. You both are in love. But you need access to money in an emergency and a credit card is for just that, an emergency.

I have done all of this or am planning to do all of this as I make plans for my marriage with Audy.

It is fair for all sides if it is done fairly. This is not legal advice. It is advice that you must have a lawyer to give you legal advice and to make sure the pre-nup is legal in court.

If you have questions you can send me an email or PM me. I will be happy to explain more. But many laws depend on the state you live in.

[Mrs.J06 4]

I also don't consider Prenups a matter of trust or the lack of it. It is simply a contract that provides for the "what if" and is not necessarily favourable for only one party.

It can contain provisions for the foreigns spouse if the marriage does not last (or the foreigner wants to return to his/her home country) to make up for the money lost due to not having a job for a while after moving here etc.. It can contain time frames and have an end date.

Just sit down and take some time to hash the conditions out. I only find it questionable if one spouse jumps at the other at short notice and ask to have it signed quickly or without completely explaining what the contents will be (in which case it can be contested in court from what I hear).

If you do not have your own attorney, like Audy_Rob said, you will have to specifically waive that right in the prenup/postnup or it will be automatically invalid.

[Team J and B 2]

Hi,

I'm going to give you a different answer than the ones posted here.

I signed a pre-nup.

A pre-nup was not mentioned when we were engaged. It was only brought up after I had entered the US, which was April 5th, 2008. Our wedding date was a month later.

My then-fiance's father had a lot of property and personal assets that would be passed down to his two children, so the pre-nup was his idea - to protect his two children.

My then-fiance had his lawyer draft up the pre-nup.

I hired my own lawyer (at my then-fiance's expense, of course, as he was the one who requested the pre-nup) to go over the pre-nup with myself and explain the contract to me and we made revisions as we saw fit to ensure I was protected as well, including straying by either spouse, how much I would be entitled to in the event of divorce, how much each child would receive, etc.

The two lawyers then got together and went over the final draft.

My then-fiance and I both received a copy of the draft and ok'ed it, signed it, sent it back. We're both well taken care of in the pre-nup.

We got married.

We're happily married and expecting our second child.

Soon we will have to go back to our lawyers and draft up a will.

Pre-nups are a morbid thought, no doubt. But I got over it quickly. It's not my husband or his family don't trust me. They just want to protect themselves, and that's understandable. If my father was a multi-millionaire, I wouldn't be surprised he would request my fiance sign a pre-nup. I don't feel my husband thinks I'm poor and I'm a leach wanting to get into this country and take all his money and then bring all my family and their spouses over here. We're happy and in love and are equals. His father is the one with money, not my husband! Lol!

[Audy_Rob 26]

I'm going to give you a different answer than the ones posted here.

My then-fiance had his lawyer draft up the pre-nup.

I hired my own lawyer (at my then-fiance's expense, of course, as he was the one who requested the pre-nup) to go over the pre-nup with myself and explain the contract to me and we made revisions as we saw fit to ensure I was protected as well, including straying by either spouse, how much I would be entitled to in the event of divorce, how much each child would receive, etc.

1) Your answer is not that different from my generalized answer.

2) You did exactly the right thing which is actually required by law in many states or the Pre-nup will not hold up.

It is for more than just a divorce. It can also manage funds for the purposes of taxes and talk about disbursing funds to minors of a previous marriage. There are many factors to be considered.

TO THE OP: Please do not take it as a personal attack on you or that he has any doubts about his love for you or your love for him.

[justashooter 430]

pre-nups are standard practice in most countries if there is a disparity in pre-existing assets within the couple. post-nups are common in the event that an individual stands to inherit, and must do so singly as a condition of the inheritance. period. the end.

you have screwed your husband out of an inheritance that could have made both of your lives much easier. you have also put an undue strain on his relationship with his mother. fix it before the old lady croaks and leaves all the cash to her cats.

tell your husband that you want to create a "post-nuptial" contract that specifically protects his interest in his inheritance so that the relationship between he and his mother will be restored. this should cost less than $250 from any decent estates and wills attourney if you have terms and conditions agreed upon in a written form that can be considered for legality and put into a legal format.

then focus on being a loving wife and everything will turn out better than it would have without a contract. trust me.

[Pinay Wife 47]

Second I spend all my money I have in my bank account, for groceriesand some clothes as my clothes when I got here wont work of the cold. He is incontrol of everything right now.We don't have Joint account yet.So I felt inneed of looking a job ASAP.

x x x which is I am having a hard time if I don't work and my savings is runningout while I don't have yet my income. I told him that I wanted to work firstwhile we don't have kids yet,so that we can help each other.Our first planbefore was to have kids and build our family,we wanted to have kids since lastyear,but it change when I got her,his mom told him to wait 1 year or so,and nowmy husband said we should wait 1 year so I wonder if is it because his mom toldhim to wait.I known him pretty responsible and independent also but I wonderwhy he changed his mind though by having kids first.

Am I understanding correctly that you are spending your own money for groceries and clothes? Why isn't your husband supporting you?