Help me to help my friend

[dmartmar 1]

Something about this story just doesn't add up.

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Since David spends the little money he gets from food stamps, student loans and his job at McDonalds on alcohol, they have no money, so Nancy has to often ask his parents, whom they live with, for money so she can buy feminine products when that time rolls around. He drinks every single day.

Since they've been married for such a short time, she doesn't even yet have an Alien Resident card, nor an Employment Authorization Document (he used all the money for those forms on alcohol. I am sure you must've guessed that already).

Who then paid to bring her over and where did the money come from? Or better yet; how was David able to meet the income level enough to bring her over?

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All the travel stuff aside, she only has one concern. Again, she wishes not to stay in the US, but just to go home.

If it is indeed that way; does anyone know if there are any extenuating circumstances to that rule, considering she is in fact being abused, unhappy and really doesn't want to stay in the States? I know it would be a different story if she'd still want to stay in the States, but she does not.

In any case, she just wants to go home and I want her to as well. If she stays with him, she will end up dead.

Her problem is that she wants to still to be able to come back to the US as a tourist - just to visit me for a week or two, like any long-distance friends or family would do.

However, as I understand it, if you are the foreign spouse of an American and file for divorce before five years pass since the marriage date, you are deported and banned from ever again being able to return to the US, even as a tourist.

So is a future immigration issue what has been stopping her from getting out of her "abusive" relationship and going back home? If she's staying in the relationship so she could be able to come back into the US sometime in the future, with no regards for her own safety or well being, it could then be assumed she married for immigration benefits only.

Abuse shouldn't even be mentioned, since she again wants to just go home and forget about everything.

Is the main concern getting out of the abusive relationship asap or is it being able to come back into the US? What are you specifically asking for/addressing? How does one tie in with the other, if and when she again just wants to go home anyway?

And what I don't understand is how she has no money to go back home, but to come visit you here in the states, she does. Do you ever go see/visit her?

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When they finally got home, he started shoving her around, ultimately telling her that if she came into the house, he would kill her. So she had to sit outside until his parents (who really don't care about the way their son treats her) nonchalantly told her to come back inside again.

If the parents didn't care, she wouldn't have waited for them to let her in, nor wouldn't they have let her in either once they got home.

Not only that, but I truly doubt that the OP's in-laws accept and agree with their alcoholic and irresponsible son's behaviour, way of life and treatment of his wife.

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So tonight I spent the night on the phone with her. She can hardly get online and talk to me anymore either, since it apparently pisses him off as well. The only times she can really call me is when he's fallen asleep, after his drunken ravings.

If he's so violent and abusive, the least thing she should be doing is taking the chance of possibly getting caught doing what she knows he hates the most, which is to be online.

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If anyone knows anything that might be of help, I and Nancy would strongly appreciate it. Please help. Thank you.

In that case, have Nancy post here as well. Remember you're only going by hearsay, as a third party person.

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She's in Illinois, I'm in Florida - if it wasn't for the distance, I'd go get her immediately. I'm going to wire her money so she can return to Scandinavia.

Then what are you doing here seeking marital and/or immigration advice?

[Broken-Lizard 0]

I'll just reply without quotes, so that there's not boxes upon boxes in this post, so to speak. Let me know if I missed to adress something.

Well, what she did, was to save up to travel over herself. She was in fact going to save up additional money, but her visa proceedings and after going to the embassy, her visa came through so fast that she, though she only had about enough for the ticket over, just figured that she'd go sooner than later to be with David. They met online, and she traveled over to him once and stayed three months until her tourist visa was up. After that, they started with their applications.

She only saved up just enough for a ticket over, and that was about it. David has no job, so the USCIS instructed her to have his parents sign the sponsorship papers, which they did after much procrastination.

She is told though by the USCIS that the next batch of papers which are to give her Employment Authorization and her Alien Resident card, David in fact needs to be the sponsor. So I don't know how it'll go with that since first, obviously, he doesn't make enough to meet the criteria. And the forms cost quite a lot to submit.

If you read my posts again, you will notice that I don't say that she has the money to come over and visit me or go home; but that I want to pay for her to come down here, or even pay for her ticket home should she wish it. Alas, since yesterday, the issue had become rather moot.

I would go to Illinois and visit her would time allow it, I told her that I could take some time off to do so. But then again, since David doesn't seem to like me either, perhaps that isn't the brightest idea. So all I can do is to tell her that I will bring her down here or even get her home, should she just say the word.

The reason I posted all of this is because first, I am upset over Nancy and her situation, and I tought in fact that there was such a rule that if you get divorced within five years, the foreign spouse is deported and banned from ever entering the States again. Luckily, it seems not to be that way, and I told this to Nancy when she called last night.

The reason she would want to come back on a tourist visa is to visit me. Understand that I am her only friend. She has no one else. Her own parents aren't even fond of her.

As of now, the main thing for me is to try to get her out of the relationship, since the tourist visa thing, which was a big deal to her (She specifically asked me if I could try to find out about it), seems to have been solved. However, she has insisted on that things are all right starting the other day, so all I can do at this point is to wait and see. Like I said before, Nancy doesn't really have much access to the internet due to the fact that it makes David rather pissy - I apologize that I indeed have to post for her.

If you re-read my post, I said that the only time she can really call me is after he's asleep - she calls me on the phone since his parents have free long distance.

The reason I told you all about the abuse is that first, I thought the divorcing within five years deporting/banning thing was indeed a rule, and I figured that if it was, there must be exenuating circumstance if there is indeed abuse in the marriage - and decided to find a place where they would know if it was so. And this was the place I found.

As for the sitting on the stairs, the parents were home the whole time. I know that his father has in fact told David somewhat tentatively that he should seek help, but other than that, there really seems to be no other engagement from their part. They hear David and Nancy's fights, but they have never said anything.

Nancy sure doesn't tell them about what David can be like when they're out (the driving incident, for example), and David doesn't either.

I did suggest to her the other day that she should tell them about everything even if they don't seem to like her much - like you, I do doubt that they would stand by idly would they know the true extent of it, like his drunk driving. However, and I know many will think "well, then it's her own fault" when I say this, she has not told them as of yet.

I realize that I go by hearsay only, but I am the one who talks to her when she has been calling me and crying. I have known her for about eight years since I used to spend quite a bit of time in Scandinavia (Sweden) as well. I want to help her, and I am sure you understand this.

I was seeking advice here, I thought that it would be best to give you a "gist of it" tale of events, especially since I thought it would affect USCIS proceedings for future tourist visa if there was abuse in the home. Perhaps even talk to someone who had been in the same situation, and find out how they got out of their abusive relationship. Unfortunately, Nancy does seem to want to forgive him and try again, and sadly, I have known people before who still cling to the man in an abusive relationship for reasons unknown to me.

For her sake though, I do hope he changes somehow.

I do apologize if my post was confusing, please feel free to ask me anything else, and I will reply to it.

I know that there are probably many things that Nancy should have done or considered before moving over, but as they say... hindsight is 20/20.

[JenT 0]

You are a good friend Broken-Lizard. Don't put too much effort into defending dmartmar's comments... he's made it his life's mission to be the most cynical person on this site since he hasn't been able to heal from the bitterness of his own emotional trauma...

I understand your sense of responsibility to your friend and her situation. She has to be the one to make the decisions and you are helping to give her the information she needs. At some point, though, you may need to invoke some 'tough love'... she's in a co-dependent situation and she's a big girl. She should know how to get to the nearest women's shelter, should she need to escape, and then have plans from there. This situation seems very volatile and you are spending a lot of energy on it... be careful that you do not become a victim as well.

I hope everyone involved 'sees the light' at some point, but you cannot control that. You're doing all that you can, and that is more than most.... so bless you for that.

Jen

[dmartmar 1]

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The reason I told you all about the abuse is that first of all, I thought that the divorcing within five years, deporting/banning thing was indeed a rule and figured that if it was, there must be extenuating circumstances if there is indeed abuse in the marriage and decided to find a place where they would know if it was so. And this was the place I found.

If Nancy just wants to go back home, then why even bring up the subject of abuse?

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She is told though by the USCIS that the next batch of papers which are to give her Employment Authorization and her Alien Resident card, David in fact needs to be the sponsor. So I don't know how it'll go with that since first, obviously, he doesn't make enough to meet the criteria. And the forms cost quite a lot to submit.

Does she or does she not want to just go back home? This makes it seem as if she's trying to stay and work, not leave.

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They met online, and she traveled over to him once and stayed three months until her tourist visa was up. After that, they started with their applications.

Didn't you say she came over using a K1 visa? And which applications did they start?

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David has no job, so the USCIS instructed her to have his parents sign the sponsorship papers, which they did after much procrastination.

Didn't you say David worked at McDonald's?

The reason she would want to come back on a tourist visa is to visit me.

[Artegal 1]

I am also having trouble believing this story. Someone working at mcdonalds with student loans on food stamps who drinks all the time sponsoring an immigrant wife. I guess its possible--but not probable

[Artegal 1]

Also is Nancy asking you for money? Or are you offering her money? And I don't think I would like it very much if my wife was busy going behind my back in secret while I was sleeping and telling all my marital problems to some stranger miles away who then post the whole story on the internet. So I can totally see where David is not too keen on your interference in his relationship. If David is so bad a guy, where were you with your support and advise before Nancy married him?

I do not know of any law that states a divorced spouse must be deported. My ex-wife didn't get deported when we divorced. The divorce law has nothing to do with immigration law. They aren't even in communication with each other--one is run by the state and county and the other by the Federal government. Of course there could be a problem in this case if Nancy has not ever applied for the "green card" and SS card.

[dmartmar 1]

Where did the OP go?

Broken-Lizard, where are you?

Edited August 8, 2006 by dmartmar

[Yodrak 7]

Reba,

She was granted a 90-day stay in the USA. When those 90 days are up, if she hasn't yet applied for adjustment of status, then she is out of status until she either applies for adjustment or leaves the country.

Yodrak

  Reba said:

not really no. The law for K1 is to just be married within 90 days of entry, there is nothing (AFAIK) within that law that states exactly when they should apply for AOS. Officially she's just sort of in limbo, no status, but not technically illegal either.

....