Help me to help my friend

[Broken-Lizard 0]

Hello all.

I just stumbled in here from Google, searching desperately for something of use. Before I go any further, I will explain the situation.

My friend, let's call her Nancy, moved here on a K-1 Visa last year in September, from a Scandinavian country. She got married to a fella who we shall call David.

Nancy is my best friend - I am desperate to try to help her at this point.

Well, let's see now, to tell you the gist of it without making you read a wall of text...

Well, Nancy married David a month or so after she had arrived. Shortly after they got married, David started to drink heavily, and when he's drunk, he becomes verbally abusive, and lately, he's become dangerous. He drinks every day - even when he has to go to college or work the next day. Of course, most of the time he doesn't even go to classes since he's still drunk, drinking until four in the morning only to get up at six and actually try to go to school.

They have no money, and Nancy often has to ask his parents, whom they live with, for money for feminine products when that time rolls around, since David spends the little money he gets from food stamps, student loan and his job at McDonalds on alcohol. He drinks every single day.

Lately; the last couple of months or so, David has started to get more and more worrying while drunk. He goes into furious tantrums if she even looks at him when he's drunk, at which he starts to scream and threaten to beat her up.

Today, she called me, crying, since David had gotten drunk and forced her into the car, to take her on something that he called "the ride of her life".

He drove out on the highway with her in the car, paying no heed to the fact that she was terrified and crying all the time. He did about 120mph, zipping in and out of traffic, dangerously close to crashing a number of times. She told me that she hoped that they would get pulled over by a policeman, but no such luck.

When they finally got home, he started to shove her around, ultimately telling her if she came into the house, he would kill her. So she had to sit outside until his parents (Who don't really care about the way their son treats her) nonchalantly told her to come inside again.

So tonight, I spent the night on the phone with her. She can hardly get online to talk to me anymore either, since that apparently pisses him off as well. Only times she can really call me is when he's fallen asleep after his drunken ravings.

She's in Illinois, I'm in Florida - if it wasn't for the distance, i'd go get her immidiately. I'm going to wire her the money so that she can go home to Scandinavia; at this point, she wants nothing more than to just go back there, even if she gave up her whole life there to move here to be with him whom she once loved.

All the travel stuff aside, she only has one concern. Again, she wishes not to stay in the US, she just wants to go home again. Since they've been married such a short time, she doesn't even have her Alien Resident card yet, no Employment Authorization (He used all the money for those forms on alcohol. I am sure you guessed already).

So she really has no status in the US at all. She cannot work, cannot drive, cannot do anything.

In any case, she just wants to go home, and I want her to as well. If she stays with him, she will end up dead.

Her problem is that she wants to still to be able to come back to the US as a tourist - to just visit me for a week or two like any long-distance friends or family might do.

However, as I understand it, if you are the foreign spouse of an American and file for divorce before five years has gone since the marriage date, you are deported, and banned from ever returning to the US, even as a tourist?

If it indeed is that way, does anyone know if there are any extenuating circumstances to that rule? Considering that she is in fact being abused, she is unhappy, and she really doesn't want to stay in the States. I know it would be a different story if she'd still want to stay in the States, but she does not.

I have tried searching for a similar situation, I am sure there are some, but I haven't been able to find any answers, and at this point, I am desperate for help for Nancy's sake.

If anyone knows anything that might be of help, I would strongly appreciate it, and Nancy would too. Please help. Thank you.

/ Mrs. V.T.

P.S... I am deeply sorry if I posted this in the wrong section - I thought this would be the most appropriate place for it. If it's not, I am very sorry.

[moelarrycheese 0]

The first thing is to help her get out of there as fast as possible. Don't worry about the issue of returning to the US as a tourist later. If you are sending her money to go to Scandinavia, you could just as easily send money for her to go to Florida and be with you. Then you could deal with any legal issues from there. Maybe your friend could find some proof of the binge drinking- credit card receipts, etc. Then the second thing is to report the domestic abuse to the authorities and get a restraining order.

First you need to get your friend to a safe loaction. Then start thinking about the next step. Tell your friend never to get in the car with her husband again.

[Kez/JWolf 6]

Get her to florida and then find a Lawyer who will see her for a free consultation to get advice on where she stands..... once she has that information she can then decide what she wants to do.... The most important thing is to get her somewhere safe....

Kezzie

[vartan 0]

First off if I am not mistaken if the marriage is that bad she can file for AOS herself.. (with legal help) Someone please correct me if I am wrong. I suggest the same bring her to you first. but that is me.

[diadromous mermaid 36]

If there is proof of his abuse, and IF she wished to remain in the USA, there is an option to petition for residency via VAWA. However, it seems from your post that she wishes to leave. I'm not aware of any prohibition for a future tourist visa. All she would have to do is inform USCIS that she is no longer pursuing legal residency at this time.

[moelarrycheese 0]

You might also look into the posssibility of having the marriage annulled based on drunkenness and/or deception on the part of the husband. They've only been married a short time, better now than later. The other posters are correct--your friend will not lose any future chance to visit the US as a result of leaving an abusive husband.

[MHandMB 0]

But since she hasn't filed for AOS, wouldn't she be considered out of status since she's been here so long?

[Reba 2]

not really no. The law for K1 is to just be married within 90 days of entry, there is nothing (AFAIK) within that law that states exactly when they should apply for AOS. Officially she's just sort of in limbo, no status, but not technically illegal either.

I'd do as someone above suggested, get her to Florida first, consult with a lawyer and then send her home.

I believe that she would have to file for divorce while Here, rather than from Scandinavia, but I'd check with the state laws first.

[moelarrycheese 0]

One more thing about telling your friend never to get in the car again... If the husband tries to force her into the car, she should immediately and without any hesitation or restraint, kick him in the balls or gouge his eyes as hard as possible, then scream at the top of her lungs while running away to attract attention. This will definitely help get the problem out in the open, where it will then be solved permanently. Kidnapping was still illegal last time I checked.

[Broken-Lizard 0]

Thank you all for you help... I heard from Nancy today, and she reports that things are "better", whatever that now means. You can imagine my frustration since it has happened before that everything's been "fine", until the next day when he drinks again.

Well, in any case, I have decided that I will try to get her down here and then, together with her, contact the USCIS and explain what has happened. Then get her home, and away from him.

Thanks again, you all... and thanks for replying to my question about the tourist visa. Atleast one thing less to worry about... =) Now I will just have to wait and see what happens. I've found her the number for a women's shelter where she lives... and I told her that next time something happens, she has to go there. I do wish I could just go up there and get her right now.

Thanks again, you guys have been helpful and even brought up points that I haven't thought of before. It helps me - and Nancy - a lot.

I know that I shouldn't go on a tirade about my personal feelings in this message, but I cannot help it. I am afraid for her, I don't want her forgiving him all the time, not after so many times of the same thing happening. And I want her away from him, even though she says things are better today. What about tomorrow? =\ I just feel so powerless... unable to really help and take her away from him when she doesn't seem to be able to work up the courage to do so herself.

[Octa 0]

  Broken-Lizard said:

Thank you all for you help... I heard from Nancy today, and she reports that things are "better", whatever that now means. You can imagine my frustration since it has happened before that everything's been "fine", until the next day when he drinks again.

Well, in any case, I have decided that I will try to get her down here and then, together with her, contact the USCIS and explain what has happened. Then get her home, and away from him.

Thanks again, you all... and thanks for replying to my question about the tourist visa. Atleast one thing less to worry about... =) Now I will just have to wait and see what happens. I've found her the number for a women's shelter where she lives... and I told her that next time something happens, she has to go there. I do wish I could just go up there and get her right now.

Thanks again, you guys have been helpful and even brought up points that I haven't thought of before. It helps me - and Nancy - a lot.

I know that I shouldn't go on a tirade about my personal feelings in this message, but I cannot help it. I am afraid for her, I don't want her forgiving him all the time, not after so many times of the same thing happening. And I want her away from him, even though she says things are better today. What about tomorrow? =\ I just feel so powerless... unable to really help and take her away from him when she doesn't seem to be able to work up the courage to do so herself.

It always gets better and then worse again..........I've been through it with my parents, we (or better said they) are still going through the same problems. I can't help my mother! because she won't let me. But I can't sleep at night. I dream of her one day being killed by him, Every time I hear someone talk loud I run to see if something has happened to her....................

[TracyTN 237]

Your friend must know - and hear from you in no uncertain terms - that the abusers are always sorry. Being drunk is no excuse. Do you think that excuse would fly in court if he murdered her while he was drunk? No way.

Good to have given her the shelter's phone number. I hope she uses it, and calls you from there to go and get her.

[dmartmar 1]

Something about this story just doesn't make sense.

  Quote

Since David spends the little money he gets from food stamps, student loans and his job at McDonalds on alcohol, they have no money, so Nancy has to often ask his parents, whom they live with, for money so she can buy feminine products when that time rolls around. He drinks every single day.

Who then paid to bring her over and how? Where did the money come from?

[Mirorgate 0]

  dmartmar said:

Something about this story just doesn't make sense.

  Quote

Since David spends the little money he gets from food stamps, student loans and his job at McDonalds on alcohol, they have no money, so Nancy has to often ask his parents, whom they live with, for money so she can buy feminine products when that time rolls around. He drinks every single day.

Who then paid to bring her over and how? Where did the money come from?

probably in the bold

[Alex+R 0]

Yes I'm wondering how she met "David" and how this could have come to pass.