a good marriage-thoughts?

[JohnAnwesha 4]

Hi everyone,

Do not know if this is the right forum to start this,cos I often find my posts,which were either posted in a panic attack or a frenzy to get the answers asap,moved to the right forum by the experienced VJ members.But I will take a chance posting here.

So right now,I am waiting on my consulate on sending me my packet 4 and setting up my interview date.And if I may claim that we are almost nearing the end of this journey,I have been wondering about how so many of us on here look at this whole marrying outside your culture,your country and religion and find love and peace with someone there.I mean, do you guys often wonder about how life will be once married and settled?Do you guys have the same thoughts on whether sometimes communication will be a problem,sometimes one's culture's little things do get lost in translation ,right?But of course they are not the deal breakers.

I was just thinking,if people who have married or are waiting still ,could share their suggestions on what makes a good marriage,a good relationship.

I know after having gone through my fair share of relationship problems,I am just finally happy ,happy now.And I am looking forward to marrying and starting our lives together.

Just wanted to how others deal with occasional contemplations now and then.

Good luck to all !!

Anwesha

[Amit-N-Melody 11]

Well, ever relationship has its up and downs.. and then in situations like our where some cultural differences come into play, it 'could' be even more difficult.

I cant stress enough.. Communication and Flexibilty are the keys to a long healthy relationship...

I met my hubby online, we spent a year chatting everyday on the phone, and not just typical conversation, we devled deep within ourselves and had some really amazing conversations where I believed that we both grew together. With this firm foundation, I am in the sense that we could take on the world <might just be my naieve self talking> But with this visa journey we have had lots of trials and tribulations... mainly from me FREAKING out and my Hubby having to deal with me from across the sea.

I can say, that in previous relationships that were based on pure animalistic bases, that these relationships seemed to be short lived.. You would get with someone because they were "good to the eye" but once you really got to know them you really didnt like them as a person. I feel blessed that I have used this time to really get to know my Hubby..

As far as cultural differences... as long as your partner is Flexable and is sensitive to the needs and concerns of the other person, everything should flow smoothly in the relationship.. I will never forget.. my Dad sat me down to have a 'talk' with me before I left the USA to meet my Hubby for the first time.. The talk went something like this.. Melody.. how can you agree to marry this man that you have never met? You have not even smelled him.. There are pheromones that could repulse you and you wouldnt be compatable.... I was like ... My answer was that even if he stunk I would still marry him... hehehe I was talking to my Hubby later that night and told him what my Dad had said... and he had a much better answer... He said to tell your Dad that our Relationship is not based on the animalistic nature of Man, that our Relationship was created from God above, so our Spiritual connection is what matters.. Not the way we smell, look, or the money that we have.. Gotta love him... When I arrived in India, Amit smelled me, and I him... then I reported back to my Dad... We are very compatable

[sachinky 465]

I can say this 100% confidence, as long as you can make each other laugh at the end of a tiring day, "cultural differences" mean absolutely nothing.

NOTHING.

Talk. Make love. Laugh. Live.

Very simple.

[DanielParul 50]

Daniel and I are mature adults and we know that every marriage has its ups & downs. We have had a very strong communication always and that has helped us through the not so rosy times.

I have been to the US before and lived in England so I was prepared for the culture shock. What I was not prepared for was the 15 months long separation after coming here. Daniel was deployed after 3 months of us being married. We remembered and reminded ourselves how much we love each other and got through that too. The most important thing is to talk about whatever each of you feel and how you can make it better. Always remember why you fell in love with each other and the efforts you have put in to be together. Do not underestimate your spouse's intelligence and understanding of your situation and their efforts to try to make it better for you. Learn to laugh with each other as Sachinky said and take the cultural differences as a way of learning something new. Good Luck.

[JohnAnwesha 4]

Hi melody and sachi,

I guess both of you are right ,and I mean I know all that true.Like sometimes you know, this whole 'society' thing gets at oneself.Okay ,coming from India and especially the place I come from,which is a small city, it can be like making that huge jump and hearing the collective gasps pf society.

While I can face it perfectly fine,sometimes I also need to just wonder why some people have problems with this whole marrying outside your religion and culture.

But I think you see your fiancé more as a person,someone you can talk to,laugh with,or sometimes just be quiet and not feel like you have to talk,and not as an American,or an India or whatever nationality.

Those boundaries melt away I feel.

Thanks for chipping in with your good suggestions and opinions.

[JohnAnwesha 4]

Daniel and I are mature adults and we know that every marriage has its ups & downs. We have had a very strong communication always and that has helped us through the not so rosy times.

I have been to the US before and lived in England so I was prepared for the culture shock. What I was not prepared for was the 15 months long separation after coming here. Daniel was deployed after 3 months of us being married. We remembered and reminded ourselves how much we love each other and got through that too. The most important thing is to talk about whatever each of you feel and how you can make it better. Always remember why you fell in love with each other and the efforts you have put in to be together. Do not underestimate your spouse's intelligence and understanding of your situation and their efforts to try to make it better for you. Learn to laugh with each other as Sachinky said and take the cultural differences as a way of learning something new. Good Luck.

Hi Parul,

I have to say I loved how you said never to underestimate the partner's intelligence and efforts.Because sometimes I fail to understand,and that side of me reared its ugly head the most during the wait for the NOA2,I would just always feel I am feeling the brunt of the separation and missing him more.But I know I am wrong there and it usually takes a calming down ,some good talking to help me feel in control of of those negative feelings.

I really am happy and excited,and looking forward to a life with him now more than ever.

[sachinky 465]

Oh, and I stopped caring what "society" thought a decade or so ago. Not worth it to live your own life by someone else's rules.

[Bernie C 24]

I think its really quite simply. What makes a good marriage and relationship is two people who love each other and are dedicated and committed to each other, willing to put in all the hard work required to keep a family strong and successful, accept each other for who they are, laugh togheter, cry together, smile together.....

Nothing to it, just the devotion of your heart every day for the rest of your lives.

The real problem is when two people are not prepared to pu in the effort. The effort itseldf is easy if iots from your heart.

[marklovetina 52]

for me: honesty, total commitment to each other, love, caring, and know what are their responsibilities as husband and wife...

[Ak+Tk 0]

What a great topic! reading these stories reminded me of my husband and i all the things n hardships we had endured in the begin of our relationship. it made us so much stronger today and we always talk about those hard times. The ppl the tried to keep us away from each other, but we have made it through those times and are so HAPPY to spend our lives with each other!

Great stories everyone!

Tasha

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

I can say this 100% confidence, as long as you can make each other laugh at the end of a tiring day, "cultural differences" mean absolutely nothing.

NOTHING.

Talk. Make love. Laugh. Live.

Very simple.

Well, making each other laugh at the end of the day is going to go a long way towards domestic peace, that's for sure.

But I don't think any international couple should underestimate how cultural differences will impact them. Because they will. While all people have different anxiety levels, nobody swims through a life-changing event like an international move without some angst. Couple that event with a new marriage, and ........... well you just naturally have a recipe for conflict.

After having been married several years, I think it comes down to the same give-and-take you would find with any 'domestic' relationship, except the "gives" have to be bigger. The foreign born spouse has to "live and let live" in a new country.

They have to "do what the Romans do" if they are going to flourish. And the US partner has to be patient and allow that to happen. You cannot expect your foreign born spouse to assimilate overnight.

In my experience, only then will the blending of cultures lead to a truly happy relationship with that extra touch of international bliss.

[JohnAnwesha 4]

Well, making each other laugh at the end of the day is going to go a long way towards domestic peace, that's for sure.

But I don't think any international couple should underestimate how cultural differences will impact them. Because they will. While all people have different anxiety levels, nobody swims through a life-changing event like an international move without some angst. Couple that event with a new marriage, and ........... well you just naturally have a recipe for conflict.

After having been married several years, I think it comes down to the same give-and-take you would find with any 'domestic' relationship, except the "gives" have to be bigger. The foreign born spouse has to "live and let live" in a new country.

They have to "do what the Romans do" if they are going to flourish. And the US partner has to be patient and allow that to happen. You cannot expect your foreign born spouse to assimilate overnight.

In my experience, only then will the blending of cultures lead to a truly happy relationship with that extra touch of international bliss.

How well-said! I also think that there are bound to be moments of helpless frustration or the need to be understood better,or just the need to feel like you would in your culture if stuck in a similar situation.So we do need to put in more,but at the end of the day,it is also a simple equation between two individuals living under the same roof and who have to,need to, make adjustments.

I love reading people' stories on here.Does make me feel like we have like-minded couples,in similar situations,in new countries and experiencing new inter-cultural angles to their lives.

Wow this will be huge and good huge!

Anwesha