my husband ex wife

[fourjudge 0]

my husband has an ex-wife and they have kids. he is giving her a child support of $1,220. but now that support will go up because my husband earn more. his ex wife is so mean.. he would send text that is so horrible specialy before..even wishing that he would die, me will go to hemorrage and the baby will die. she is mad at him since he got involved with me. she tried to get more money by means of not buying the kids what they need and also for school food. all of those should be covered by the child support that we give to her. In my first couple of months here i obeserved that we have the kids often than what is agreed on the divorce paper. also there are many times that we have them mostly than with her. Now the schedule has completely change.. we have the kids equally. her reason for that is she want the kids to have more time with their father.( but actually i think because she cant handle them that is why we have to get the kids to her house when she cant handle them, thats why we have the kids more than what it is agreed)she decided before that we could be a sole custody and we wont give them child support, but then she change it she said they need the money. they are strugling. since the schedule has change we tried to ask them if we could meninmize the child support but she didnot agreed.( she said she could maybe agree to it, but now No since he has me). but her boyfriend agreed a little bit of it based on whats logical. but then they turn arround and said they could not because they have to pay the apartment that they rented from us,and the reason why there even there is because of the kids.. but funny that now they turn arround and buy a new house.(the apartment that my husband is renting to them is not even earning because there renting it for less,my husband bought the apartment for the kids well being). but its ok for my husband it is because its for the kids. anyway, one day she texted and said shes welling to meet to a mediator so we thought that she finaly agreed. but when we where there we were surprised it is because what she actually want is to recalculate my husband income so she could have increase in child support and she want him to pay 100% on other expenses on the top of child support that the kids would need (instead of 75%). because she has no income right now becuase she stop to work and go to school instead. he has a boyfriend living with her now that is supporting her right now.

I didnot do anything to her except good things. i takecare of the kids whenever their her at our house. and when shes her at our house to get the kids.. i dont say any bad thing infact i am being nice to her but shes so distant. sometimes she would say words to the kids that is against us and the youngest would be mean at me. i wish that she would be sometimes thankful that my husband treated her child from previous as his own child. ( they have 3 kids, but the first is not his biological child) my husband is still supporting her whenever she need him with regards to the kids. on all her bad words that she said against him,me and our baby.. my husband choose to just let it go because of the kids even after all my tears( but i understand). my husband is teptoing with it comes to her because of the kids. Now i am wondering if IS SHE JEALOUS? DOES SHE STILL LOVE HIM...? is their a way we could lower the child support because it is so unfair. we have the kids half the time.. or most of the time before.. and we also buy them stuff in which she is not doing now for the kids. were so in debt...and i hate that where teptoing at her. Please help.. thank you so much..i wish there is a law that also supported the part of the man against there ex( that is like this).[/size][/size]

[ScottThuy 140]

the way the child support system is setup, there is no incentive for her to work.. if she does, then she gets less from him... There are only 2 ways to reduce child support,

1. If she makes moremoney that was used in the previous calculation

2. if he makes less than he did in the previous calculation...

[Deep2009 18]

It looks like to one of my buddy situation.

She is still obsessed with your husband and try to control his life through kids.

She is happy when you husband is miserable, she is mad when your husband is happy...

Hang in there... Every state has different child support formula.

Do a search on internet for your state... if your husband is not making above a dollar amount (normally about $200,000.00), the state has to follow a formula.

.........There is no IF and BUT there........

If someone is telling you any other way, the state BAR association can be good help.

But if your husband is making more than the state dollar limit... Mediation and good attorney can help.

For example...

Some state will allow a child support =(set dollar amount + medical insurance + child care for smaller kids before school) = 1000+200+200 = 1400

Some state will allow a child support =(set dollar amount - medical insurance - child care for smaller kids before school) = 1000-200-200 = 600

Edited March 27, 2010 by Deep2009

[scandal 951]

my husband has an ex-wife and they have kids. he is giving her a child support of $1,220.

You have my sympathies. I'm in a similar situation. I have 3 kids from my first marriage, they live with their Mom. I am remarried, and my ex-wife has remained extremely bitter and hostile towards me. I pay a substantial amount of child support for my kids (well more than your husband is paying), and I do that voluntarily (i.e. it's not court mandated).

I try very hard to separate the hostility and anger of my ex-wife from the issue of child support.

The money is for my kids. It's the money I would be spending on them if they were still living under my roof. I want them to have the things kids should have and deserve to have. I don't want to deprive them, and I don't want to punish them for the difficult situation caused by their mother. It's not always easy, but I encourage you and your husband not to take it out on the kids. They didn't ask for the divorce and broken home, they just need to deal with it. It's your job as the adults to make that easy as you can on them.

Good luck.

[slim 1,525]

I come from a broken home and we never had anywhere near $1,200/month in child support. Holy freaking shnikes that's a lot of jack!

If the ex can't make due with that amount of money, too freaking bad. What I saw most from my own experience and now from those around me stupid enough to have kids then get divorced is the game playing, etc., is easily avoided by avoiding as much contact as possible and then following the letter of the law.

If it says you meet at 7:30 to drop off kids that's what you do. No words necessary, no conversation, nothing. Just do what you have to and that's it. If you do have to have conversation, be civil, be polite, but be brief and official. Never anything more. Try to avoid talking about the other parent at all costs with the kids. No matter what, don't get the kids in the middle of your drama. If they offer up certain things, change the subject.

Additionally, you are the new wife. She is the old wife. That means she's not related to him nor you. You do not need to have any contact at all with her. ZERO. He needs to have only enough contact to get his kids away from her and then return them at the appropriate time. That's it.

Minimize contact with her at all times. Stick to exactly what the court says and if you don't like it or don't agree with it, change it in court, not with her. (I'd highly recommend trying to get the court to drop that support payment if you're splitting costs by keeping the kids more often.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Family court uses a formula for determining child support (based on how much time they stay with each prospective parent among other factors). Your husband can petition for a change of terms based on any changes - such as if the children are spending more time with him. He doesn't need his ex-wife's permission to do so, because the court will stick to the formula, except when both parties are willing to negotiate different terms. Your husband should consult an attorney to at least explore his options if he feels that his ex-wife is not adequately providing for the children. It is difficult though to try and make a case of child neglect after divorce because it looks on the surface as a personal vendetta. However, if your husband does feel that there is gross negligence from his ex-wife, he should document everything and talk to a lawyer.

Divorce really sucks for the kids, no matter what...they seem to lose. I wish you all the best and hope the kids will not be used as pawns.

[Fandango 1,439]

But if they share the kids equally, I don't understand why the support agreement hasn't been amended? If the previous agreement was $1200 a month with her having sole custody, the fact that the kids are at his house 1/2 the time now should change the maintenance agreement. If the new custody arrangement is unofficial, perhaps it's time to go back to court to have the whole arrangement modified to reflect the new changes. Although I would say, before that happens, it's probably best to start documenting when you have the kids to show a prior unofficial arrangement.

Years ago, with my ex who had two kids from a prior marriage, it was very frustrating, so I can sympathize! Everyone was more or less amicable, with the occasional flare up from the ex wife. Although we got to a point where there was mutual respect for each other, myself included. She didn't like me at first, but was adult enough to see that I was a good influence on her kids and we wound up with a nice pseudo-friendship. I digress.

My ex had agreed to give MORE than what the req's were...'after all they're my kids'...which I thought was very honorable. Much like scandal's post here. The maintenance agreement was VERY generous to her, to the point of it being nearly impossible for him to support himself for the first two years after the divorce. He took all their debt, and signed over the house, car, etc to her. Everything evened out and all was fine for a while. However, as they got older, we noticed that the kids were always very sloppy looking. They'd come over with no extra clothes, old tatty clothes on their backs, worn out shoes, holy socks, etc. We'd buy them new clothes every week, and they'd want to wear them home, and then we'd never see them again. The next week, it'd be the same thing. And the week after that, and the one after that... It got to the point that he told her that if we had to continue to get them new stuff every single weekend, that he would start subtracting that amt from the maintenance she got.

Things calmed down after that.

Anyways, good luck. I think mediation is your best bet. If she won't cooperate, then it's time to go back to court. But again, make sure you both start documenting all this...when they come over, when the ex wife acts up, etc. It may or may not help, but on the off chance it does, I say it's worth the effort.

Good luck!

[thongd4me 69]

I too have an ex wife and 2 daughters. She keeps things a lot more civil than she was when I was living with them.

No insults any more, but she has succeeded in freezing me out of the kids lives. She politely contacts me when

she needs something, but other than that there is an information freeze out.

I was voluntarily paying her more than was written in the divorce agreement, but beginning in 2010 I told her

she would be getting only what was in the agreement because I re-married and have lots more expenses.

she silently agreed to that and has been cashing my reduced payments without complaint.

I don't think she will complain about that, because whenever I ask about the kids medical visits

neither she nor they tell me ANY information about them. All I get is the provider name and amount

of benefit paid by my insurance carrier.

If he is paying her more than in the divorce agreement, I suggest he roll it back like I did.

He has another dependent (you) and it would be a fair thing to do.

When I was going through the divorce I also wanted to do mediation, but both my and her lawyer

put an end to that. It's funny how lawyers see their self-interest threatened and tie that in with

the interest of their clients, which would seem to be a paradox. Mediation requires that both parties

want to settle things amicably and neither one is stonewalling. I don't think your situation qualifies,

unless the other party is willing to come around as it's a voluntary process.

[thongd4me 69]

PS - I also don't feel guilty paying her a little less every month because

she is making +10K more than she did the year before and my salary did

not go up that much. She is now a supervisor where she works & I wish

her all the luck in the world. I advised her against doing a costly training

program for a new profession but so far she has not been able to get a

job there, confirming the department of labor stats that I provided for her.

[Old Dominion 26]

The ex-wife who is the subject of this thread is simply carrying a lot of anger at her ex-husband and will continue to do everything she can to make life miserable for him. If she is nasty to you, it's because she knows it will make him squirm.

If she is after more money, it's for his punishment. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," the saying goes. On the other hand, if she and the children are living on only $1,200 a month, that's not much.

We talk a lot about forgiveness as a way of getting past our anger; some former spouses carry that anger to their graves, and others instead get on with their lives.

If your husband would turn all of this support business over to an attorney, and tell his ex-wife to contact the lawyer directly without involving your husband, that would help make life easier for you both. She can beg all she wants from then on, but his only answer needs to be "contact my lawyer; I will follow his advice."

In the OP's case, it's good that she is trying to be civil with the ex. Just don't expect the ex to be the same, ever.

Edited March 27, 2010 by Old Dominion

[luckytxn 2,264]

Of course we are hearing one side of this. This man had kids. He has to support the kids till they are grown. The amount quoted does not even pay for all the expenses for kids nowadays. Get over it and used to our family court system. You married him knowing he had kids from another marriage and this is the way it is. Also you can look at it as if something were to happen between the two of you then you know you can get support and you will receive it. I would never have married my wife if she had kids from another marriage no matter how hot and amazing she is.

Always good to come whining though and hope it makes you feel better.

[fourjudge 0]

Posted 27 March 2010 - 02:31 PM

The ex-wife who is the subject of this thread is simply carrying a lot of anger at her ex-husband and will continue to do everything she can to make life miserable for him. If she is nasty to you, it's because she knows it will make him squirm.

If she is after more money, it's for his punishment. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," the saying goes. On the other hand, if she and the children are living on only $1,200 a month, that's not much.

We talk a lot about forgiveness as a way of getting past our anger; some former spouses carry that anger to their graves, and others instead get on with their lives.

If your husband would turn all of this support business over to an attorney, and tell his ex-wife to contact the lawyer directly without involving your husband, that would help make life easier for you both. She can beg all she wants from then on, but his only answer needs to be "contact my lawyer; I will follow his advice."

In the OP's case, it's good that she is trying to be civil with the ex. Just don't expect the ex to be the same, ever.

This post has been edited by Old Dominion: 27 March 2010 - 02:32 PM

Thank you for the reply. i would not say it is not much it is because of how the kids living.. in short she does not spend much for the kids. maybe once in a bluemoon.. i cant even say when. perhaps xmas? and yeah she spent food for them for couple of times a week since we have them half the time now and before most of the time. she doesnt spend phone bill for the kids because we do. also we pay 75% of the kids other expenses(medical which is mostly covered by our insurance, activities in shcool and outside school lessons) the kids doesnot spend much on food. maybe when do go out( which they do a lot ) the cloth that there wearing most is what we got for them. i just wish too that she would buy them clothing specialy the boy... i may sound wining..yes i am because again like i said it is so unfair for our side. it wouldnt be if only she put the money to the kids. but the way we see it.. not.... anyway thanks agai for the reply.. i appreciate it.

Edited March 29, 2010 by fourjudge

[fourjudge 0]

I too have an ex wife and 2 daughters. She keeps things a lot more civil than she was when I was living with them.

No insults any more, but she has succeeded in freezing me out of the kids lives. She politely contacts me when

she needs something, but other than that there is an information freeze out.

I was voluntarily paying her more than was written in the divorce agreement, but beginning in 2010 I told her

she would be getting only what was in the agreement because I re-married and have lots more expenses.

she silently agreed to that and has been cashing my reduced payments without complaint.

I don't think she will complain about that, because whenever I ask about the kids medical visits

neither she nor they tell me ANY information about them. All I get is the provider name and amount

of benefit paid by my insurance carrier.

If he is paying her more than in the divorce agreement, I suggest he roll it back like I did.

He has another dependent (you) and it would be a fair thing to do.

When I was going through the divorce I also wanted to do mediation, but both my and her lawyer

put an end to that. It's funny how lawyers see their self-interest threatened and tie that in with

the interest of their clients, which would seem to be a paradox. Mediation requires that both parties

want to settle things amicably and neither one is stonewalling. I don't think your situation qualifies,

unless the other party is willing to come around as it's a voluntary process.

Thong4me thank you so much for the reply. we have talk about what you have said, but the way new york law is deffirent( he said ). but yeah i thing it would be a fair thing to do to go to court to have peace in mind too... we have talk to our lawyer before of having the custody of the kids( i was wrong of saying sole custody..i should have said that she is the primary custodian because they have joint custody). anyway the lawyer said that it is hard. even though after all the fact that we said in which even her mother would always ask us to get the kids our from her, her X boyfriend, other people. because she is not stable. shes hurting the kids emmotional that is why we have to get them sometimes at her house. i have just never known any evel sprited person like her. anyway the lawyer said it is so hard unless we have a physical evedince.ohh well.. we will talk again to the lawyer about reviewing of the child support if that would be possible. Thank you very much. i appreciated your advice.

[fourjudge 0]

hi Old dominion I also forgot to tell you that she and her boyfriend is staying like a couple. that is why she even stop working because her boyfriend support her to school.so shes not living with that amount only.

Edited March 29, 2010 by fourjudge

[thongd4me 69]

Thong4me thank you so much for the reply. we have talk about what you have said, but the way new york law is deffirent( he said ). but yeah i thing it would be a fair thing to do to go to court to have peace in mind too... we have talk to our lawyer before of having the custody of the kids( i was wrong of saying sole custody..i should have said that she is the primary custodian because they have joint custody). anyway the lawyer said that it is hard. even though after all the fact that we said in which even her mother would always ask us to get the kids our from her, her X boyfriend, other people. because she is not stable. shes hurting the kids emmotional that is why we have to get them sometimes at her house. i have just never known any evel sprited person like her. anyway the lawyer said it is so hard unless we have a physical evedince.ohh well.. we will talk again to the lawyer about reviewing of the child support if that would be possible. Thank you very much. i appreciated your advice.

Yes, my first wife also was not that stable. She even shouted at the kids once that she wanted to kill them

(I didn't take that too seriously, but the courts ONLY want to see a dead body and/or a smoking gun and blood).

I needed to get the divorce over with, so she got primary custody which is to say I got none. I don't know

your state's law and you should go with the local advice. You have to recognize that even with a psychotic

woman, most states give her the benefit of the doubt over the man because somehow in divorce proceedings

the man is always considered to be the bad guy, sometimes even by his own lawyer (my first lawyer indeed).

It's a lot to overcome. Good luck.