Pls.help...my sister married to an abusive husband

[Mumay 1]

I am so desperate right now that I dont know what to do to help my sister......She came in here last Dec.16 on a K 1 visa,got married and applied for AOS last March 12 before the K 1 visa expired..Last Monday,she did received a letter to informed her that they will sent her another letter for her biometric appointment....

Unfortunately...behind our knowledge,she's living in one roof of an abusive husband....Last night...we got a desperate called from her,asking us to take her out from their apartment coz she had enough.....she cant take it anymore....

His been verbally abusing her....to the point that now she suffered a nervous breakdown....She then told us that sometimes,he would physically harm her..like pushing her,pointing a finger,poking her head and shoulder.She called her a liar and even told her to look for another man.My sister told us that it seems her husband is a bipolar....sometimes he is nice and all of the sudden the mood change.What scary also coz she told us that he had a gun that sometimes he put in the bedside table......

She told us that most of the behavior change is mostly during sex act,like his a different person,he would grab her,and even when she was sick,she would used her.. for instance that time she a Flu..and she would describe it like forceful sex....she would tell him,shes hurting but he just ignored her,pretending that he didnt heared her..

There is no 911 called have been made so far....

Its been two weeks now that my sister is complaining of a blood spotting...she even told him about it..but no concerned in his side.....last night me and my hubby had to drived to their place to answer the desperate call and right now she's with us in the house...I got her an appointment to a doctor on April 6,to have her check coz Im worried about this spotting period...its not severe but very concerning.....

We made her an appointment also to a Mental Couselling coz it seems right now she developed a phobia,couldnt sleep good,coz just like I mention he would just grab her and have a forceful sex....she said it happened a lot of times.....When she arrived in here,was Winter...she had a hard time adjusting the climate...we came from Asia...

My question is.....she waiting for the biometric letter from INS in which the return address is his place...should I write a changed of address,so that we do received that letter while she's here with us....Im just worried that her husband will not give the letter to her ...it seems that this man had so many personal issues.Then what should we do next after the biometric,what if she wouldnt come back to him and the interview for their AOS would come?

Now she's scared to go back to their place, me and my hubby wouldnt let her go too....we are scared ,what might happened to her...They were married for more than a month now but she's living with him since she arrived last Dec.16...one more thing she noticed is that he keep biting his fingernails..its like a habit or a sign of mental issue.....

Pls..Help...enlighten us what to do right now.....Thank You and GOD BLESS ALL....

[Fandango 1,439]

TAKE HER TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM NOW.

[Bobby+Umit 161]

Report to police is also a good place to start.

[Rob and Jill 82]

Take her to see a doctor now. File a police report. File a restraining order. Then go to the local post office and put in a change of address form for her. I am not sure whose name the paperwork comes under, but if it is addressed to her, and you put in a change of address at the post office, it should come to the new address (Unless the USCIS has something in place to prevent this.) Change her address online, and go from there. He is abusing her and she needs out. NOW.

Edited March 26, 2010 by Rob and Jill

[TracyTN 237]

Get her help and get her out of the situation, first and foremost.

The pending application she has with USCIS is HERS, and she can file a change of address with them at any time. In the interim, she could call them every couple of days to see if the notice has been mailed and if so, what the date is for the bio appt. If she cannot get the letter from him (she'll need to take it to the biometrics appointment), have her explain the situation to the USCIS operator and I would bet they'd mail her another letter to her new address.

No one deserves to be treated like that so get her safe first. The USCIS stuff we can figure out. (BTW It's no longer INS - hasn't been the INS for years.

[Mumay 1]

Thank u all for the reply..it was a big help...yesterday Had to change the mailing address...and we probably go forward from here...right now she is so scared to go back...I dont want her to go back either...Im scared what he will do...He is been trying to call her thru cellphones....but my sister wont answer...she scared of him now....

What is her option right now?..The AOS was been filed already...and waiting for biometric appt.Ive been reading about this Self Petion..VAWA...Divorce?...It feel likes this marriage is falling apart....

Yesterday too..my hubby confront him on the phone...they become friends thru a mutual friend also but not that close..he told him that my sister is delusional...pretending that he havent done wrong to my sister...my sister was been silence for quite sometimes about this abused...we talked but she tried to hide everything coz she told me, she doesnt want to bother us about their problems coz we have our problems too...and that she want to worked out the marriage and she had high hopes that maybe things will change and he will change for a better....but she was wrong...

I told her..forcing you to have sex even if you say NO is against your right....developed a fear with your husband is not a healthy one....we didnt filed a police report either...my hubby think it would be best to solved the problems without police involvement....he was concern that he might be more violent if we did that...with his unpredictable behavior...we are concerned..that he would harrass us also....Im worried at the same time..coz I had a child too....

Pls...share me your wisdom about this...what is her option right now....Thank u again...GOD BLESS YOU ALL..

[Fandango 1,439]

I don't mean to come across as horrible, but if what you say is correct, why do you seem more interested in her status than her well being? So you're discussing VAWA, making phone calls to the hubby, etc....from what your op says, your sister has been raped repeatedly, is bleeding, has had a nervous breakdown, and there's no mention of any emergent care. I really don't get that at all.

April 6th is not good enough for her to get medical help. Take her to the dr TODAY.

[ziia 9]

Thank u all for the reply..it was a big help...yesterday Had to change the mailing address...and we probably go forward from here...right now she is so scared to go back...I dont want her to go back either...Im scared what he will do...He is been trying to call her thru cellphones....but my sister wont answer...she scared of him now....

What is her option right now?..The AOS was been filed already...and waiting for biometric appt.Ive been reading about this Self Petion..VAWA...Divorce?...It feel likes this marriage is falling apart....

Yesterday too..my hubby confront him on the phone...they become friends thru a mutual friend also but not that close..he told him that my sister is delusional...pretending that he havent done wrong to my sister...my sister was been silence for quite sometimes about this abused...we talked but she tried to hide everything coz she told me, she doesnt want to bother us about their problems coz we have our problems too...and that she want to worked out the marriage and she had high hopes that maybe things will change and he will change for a better....but she was wrong...

I told her..forcing you to have sex even if you say NO is against your right....developed a fear with your husband is not a healthy one....we didnt filed a police report either...my hubby think it would be best to solved the problems without police involvement....he was concern that he might be more violent if we did that...with his unpredictable behavior...we are concerned..that he would harrass us also....Im worried at the same time..coz I had a child too....

Pls...share me your wisdom about this...what is her option right now....Thank u again...GOD BLESS YOU ALL..

She is your sister, a little piece of you and she is in desperate need of help. Please take her to the doctor immediately. This is not a matter to wait out and see if she feels better a week, two weeks from now. If she is bleeding internally and it doesn't stop, she could be seriously injured. You also have to call the cops, let them know what happened. Your sister can ask for a protection order against him contacting her and if he breaks that order, he will go to jail immediately. If you are scared because you think that might get him mad and come to hurt you, not going to the police will not change the situation. On the contrary, he will see that he can get away with this kind of behavior(because you won't do anything about it) and come back for more, continuing to harass your sis.

We have laws in America and they are there for exactly these types of situations. We don't live in a 3rd world country here to be afraid to get out of the house because of people like your sister's husband. If this guy doesn't have a criminal record already(i'd be surprised) he won't come back to hurt no one after he finds out of the protection order. If he already has a record of violent behavior filed at the police station, then he'll be going to jail right away.

This is not the time to worry about her status. You know why? Because if I were to tell you that her green card can not be obtained if she's not with her husband, then what would you do? Send her back to live with him? I'm not saying that you will but this why this question is illogical and in contrary to your desperate cry for "help". It just makes what you said that happened seem less genuine. I'm not saying that what happened is not real but focusing on anything else aside her well being and safety at this moment is a little disturbing to me.

I don't mean to be harsh but please focus on giving her the medical, psychological aid she needs. Give her support and understanding and for god sake do the right thing and call the police. Worrying about what might happen tomorrow makes you freeze in position today. Wanting to live in US under these circumstances is not something I personally understand. I'm doing my best not to judge your/her intentions though. How was her husband before they got married? Your sister never suspected that something might be wrong with his head before she got here?

Edited March 27, 2010 by ziia

[Mumay 1]

We did bring her to the ER doctor yesteday,forgot to mention that,another appointment to the OB next week for further check up...Monday also will be her appointment for Psychological evaluation.....I dont know if the word Raped is the word to used but as what she told me..everytime they had sex he is forceful....just for instance like she watching on tv..all of the sudden he would grab here and just like I said in the previous post even when she is sick she would force her despite the word NO coz she dont feel good physically...like a different personality....and when she would tell him what his being doing,he would say...he didnt remember that....what my sister is trying to tell us that this man had two personality...she couldnt understand...sometimes he is nice and all of the sudden change his mood of behavior....unpredictable...

I believe we do the police report too...we've talked about it...thank u all GOD BLESS YOU....

[ziia 9]

We did bring her to the ER doctor yesteday,forgot to mention that,another appointment to the OB next week for further check up...Monday also will be her appointment for Psychological evaluation.....I dont know if the word Raped is the word to used but as what she told me..everytime they had sex he is forceful....just for instance like she watching on tv..all of the sudden he would grab here and just like I said in the previous post even when she is sick she would force her despite the word NO coz she dont feel good physically...like a different personality....and when she would tell him what his being doing,he would say...he didnt remember that....what my sister is trying to tell us that this man had two personality...she couldnt understand...sometimes he is nice and all of the sudden change his mood of behavior....unpredictable...

I believe we do the police report too...we've talked about it...thank u all GOD BLESS YOU....

rape verb

/reɪp/ v [i or T]

to force someone to have sex when they are unwilling, using violence or threatening behavior

source: http://dictionary.cambridge.org/define.asp?key=65455

Good luck to you.

Edited March 27, 2010 by ziia

[Fandango 1,439]

We did bring her to the ER doctor yesteday,forgot to mention that,another appointment to the OB next week for further check up...Monday also will be her appointment for Psychological evaluation.....I dont know if the word Raped is the word to used but as what she told me..everytime they had sex he is forceful....just for instance like she watching on tv..all of the sudden he would grab here and just like I said in the previous post even when she is sick she would force her despite the word NO coz she dont feel good physically...like a different personality....and when she would tell him what his being doing,he would say...he didnt remember that....what my sister is trying to tell us that this man had two personality...she couldnt understand...sometimes he is nice and all of the sudden change his mood of behavior....unpredictable...

I believe we do the police report too...we've talked about it...thank u all GOD BLESS YOU....

That is the definition of rape.

[Mumay 1]

Thank u for the defintion.....I just felt bad she had to deal with this kind of person for quite sometime without telling us sooner...thank u...

[besaangel 18]

Unfortunately marital rape is still classified as "rape" none-the-less... Please seek help for her and continue to be supportive but do not influence nor convince her to go back home to him.

[sachinky 465]

This is not the time to worry about her status. You know why? Because if I were to tell you that her green card can not be obtained if she's not with her husband, then what would you do? Send her back to live with him? I'm not saying that you will but this why this question is illogical and in contrary to your desperate cry for "help". It just makes what you said that happened seem less genuine. I'm not saying that what happened is not real but focusing on anything else aside her well being and safety at this moment is a little disturbing to me.

I don't mean to be harsh but please focus on giving her the medical, psychological aid she needs. Give her support and understanding and for god sake do the right thing and call the police. Worrying about what might happen tomorrow makes you freeze in position today. Wanting to live in US under these circumstances is not something I personally understand. I'm doing my best not to judge your/her intentions though. How was her husband before they got married? Your sister never suspected that something might be wrong with his head before she got here?

^^This.

[DeniseBill 4]

I've been in a relationship with an abusive man before my marriage and BELIEVE ME it IS rape. Have her go to the police and put charges on him!!!!

Just one thing... No one else mentioned it but biting your fingernails is not a mental issue. It's just a bad habit, sort of an addiction....