My life is over....

[chinese_mutt 11]

----

thrpeeoh - there is always a chance that it's possible to reconcile all, and the two of you know a happy life together.

It will take work. Others have mentioned the type of work, as well as some medical symptoms that she MAY be exhibiting to you.

Do you have the energy to see it through? If the answer is yes, then go forth, make it happen.

No, I'm not giving you 'different advice' - this is something I did mean to say, earlier. Reconcilation, IMO, is the best approach, but, if that isn't possible - well, I've written a bit on what to do to protect yerself.

Good Luck, what ever decision you make, ah?

I agree, reconciliation is the best approach.

Anyway, just a question... if the amount was only $10 why did you make such an issue about it anyway? You could've just let her have the $10 or transfered $10 from her account to the bills account. I don't understand this at all. It wasn't like she used $1000. I don't know, I just noticed that you two argued for the total amount of $10; and now you are contemplating on divorce (which would cost you more). I understand that financial responsibility and maturity is a must esp in these hard times but $10?? Really?

As for the bipolar thing, believe me... if this same thing happened in the Philippines, nobody here would even suggest anything like this. She might be depressed, she might have some issues but bipolar is too much jumping to conclusion. I hate it when people starts to accuse other people about mental illness - mental illness should not be taken lightly or suggested at every turn. People to snap, get angry, have outburst, etc. etc. let's not be too quick to say she's sick.

[thrpeeoh 0]

Well, to give everyone an update.

Since I worked from home Friday I cleaned the house up from the row we had. I also cleaned the dishes that were piled in the sink from the night before and washed some of the clothes. I then picked her up from work that night. She didn't take the phone with her so I had to go in to get her. She walked out with me with no incidents. None of her coworkers said or did anything out of the ordinary, but like I keep saying, she feels any of our problems should be just between her and I. We walked out to the car, I asked her how her day was and she said it was fine. She got in the front and put on her seat belt without prompting and we went home.

Since it was Friday a friend of mine visited like he always does on Fridays. She made herself dinner and stayed in the computer room when he was here. She was talking with her family via yahoo voice. Since they all talk in their dialect when talking I'm not sure what they were talking about. But from past experience, she never tells them of our problems.

After my friend left she told me she wants to go home for a vacation. She misses her family and she needs a vacation because she is going crazy, her words. I don't think this incident is the cause of the need to go, just another trigger. Several friends of hers have gone home, or are planning to go, on vacation recently. After talking about it some we went to bed. I also gave her a print out of something I found on here that I think explains alot of why we are having issues and asked her to read it. This is the post, http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/182323-american-filipina-relationship-user-manual/

She slept on the couch again.

This morning we talked about her going again and we looked up the costs, even called a travel agent to talk about it. We had been planning a trip for next year and we have saved some money for it already. We would have more but this account became a sort of emergency fund as well as the trip savings. However, we can't afford to have us both go at this time, so it would be just her. After agreeing that she can go home she got happier and we talked some more about other things. She has not read the post that I printed, and I'm not sure where she put it.

She washed the rest of the clothes while I cleaned up the yard some. When I came back in we watched some TV while folding the clothes together. She them made dinner for us, something she hasen't done since the fight, and we watched a movie. She sat next to me on the couch and eventually laid down and rested her feet across my lap like she usually does when I sit where I was.

Let me also give some more of a background on her. I would love to tell her about VJ and have her read and even post on here but knowing her and her, we shouldn't tell anyone attitude, she'd probably get mad at me again.

Since she has come here she has lost several family members. One was the grandfather she was close to who passed on 3 weeks after she came here, but we couldn't afford a return trip so soon after she arrived. We were paying for the wedding and she had just arrived on a fiancee visa at the time so it was not feasable for us to go back.

Since she has come here she met my sister, who in my oppinion is a nutcase at best. My wife has mentioned that my sister changes more than the weather does, I had commented that her default setting is catagory 5. Last weekend we were all invited to her apartment, something that has never happened before, and we had a nice dinner. My wife was impressed that everything went like a normal family gathering should. The last time we got together she told my wife that she would never marry a mand who gave her such a small diamond ring. Coincidentally, my grandmother was sitting next to us at the time and her ring was the same size, which didn't go over well.

Since her arrival she also became friendly with some relatives of hers that live in the area. However, a year ago there was a falling out due to the discovery that said family members were the ones that insigated some stories about her mom back home. There have been some back and forth comments with them over the year but we mostly ignore them.

She got a job about a year and a half ago, at forst she liked it but now she complains about it sometimes. It's retail and who doesnt complain about their job. She has looked for other jobs but has had no luck yet. She has even discussed going to school to learn a profession, but can't decide what.

Over the 2 years she has been here, most of the time everything is good, but sometimes that changes. It's usually around the time that she starts the placebo pills for her bith control that we have issues. Some small thing will make her mad and she will stop talking to me. She wont talk to me about the issue and tells me I should know. I only discovered recently from this site that this is called tampo and that I'm supposed to be psychic. There were a few occasions we moved past the tampo stage, but most of those times have been because of me not backing down about her talking to me and discussing the problems. The first time this happened was the time I called my parents to talk about it and they decided to come over and talk to us both, even I was embarased at that, I just wanted advice.

There was 1 other occasion, about a year ago were we went past the stage after tampo. She made some threats and hit me then too, but nothing so far as making me bleed like she did this time.

After that incident we were able to work through it and we had a couple of minor issues since then. But, yet again, she would not talk about them so I didn't know what to do to fix it. Thinking back on it, I think our relationship is like a series of earthquakes. We are fine for the most part and have a few small tremmors and then a major one once enough preasure has built up.

So as a message to all the filipina reading this thread, talk to your man when you are mad at them or something similar to this will happen to you. Or so thats is my opinion.

Anyway, I'm about to goto bed. We will see if she comes to bed with me or stays on the couch.

[chinese_mutt 11]

Well, to give everyone an update.

Since I worked from home Friday I cleaned the house up from the row we had. I also cleaned the dishes that were piled in the sink from the night before and washed some of the clothes. I then picked her up from work that night. She didn't take the phone with her so I had to go in to get her. She walked out with me with no incidents. None of her coworkers said or did anything out of the ordinary, but like I keep saying, she feels any of our problems should be just between her and I. We walked out to the car, I asked her how her day was and she said it was fine. She got in the front and put on her seat belt without prompting and we went home.

Since it was Friday a friend of mine visited like he always does on Fridays. She made herself dinner and stayed in the computer room when he was here. She was talking with her family via yahoo voice. Since they all talk in their dialect when talking I'm not sure what they were talking about. But from past experience, she never tells them of our problems.

After my friend left she told me she wants to go home for a vacation. She misses her family and she needs a vacation because she is going crazy, her words. I don't think this incident is the cause of the need to go, just another trigger. Several friends of hers have gone home, or are planning to go, on vacation recently. After talking about it some we went to bed. I also gave her a print out of something I found on here that I think explains alot of why we are having issues and asked her to read it. This is the post, http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/182323-american-filipina-relationship-user-manual/

She slept on the couch again.

This morning we talked about her going again and we looked up the costs, even called a travel agent to talk about it. We had been planning a trip for next year and we have saved some money for it already. We would have more but this account became a sort of emergency fund as well as the trip savings. However, we can't afford to have us both go at this time, so it would be just her. After agreeing that she can go home she got happier and we talked some more about other things. She has not read the post that I printed, and I'm not sure where she put it.

She washed the rest of the clothes while I cleaned up the yard some. When I came back in we watched some TV while folding the clothes together. She them made dinner for us, something she hasen't done since the fight, and we watched a movie. She sat next to me on the couch and eventually laid down and rested her feet across my lap like she usually does when I sit where I was.

Let me also give some more of a background on her. I would love to tell her about VJ and have her read and even post on here but knowing her and her, we shouldn't tell anyone attitude, she'd probably get mad at me again.

Since she has come here she has lost several family members. One was the grandfather she was close to who passed on 3 weeks after she came here, but we couldn't afford a return trip so soon after she arrived. We were paying for the wedding and she had just arrived on a fiancee visa at the time so it was not feasable for us to go back.

Since she has come here she met my sister, who in my oppinion is a nutcase at best. My wife has mentioned that my sister changes more than the weather does, I had commented that her default setting is catagory 5. Last weekend we were all invited to her apartment, something that has never happened before, and we had a nice dinner. My wife was impressed that everything went like a normal family gathering should. The last time we got together she told my wife that she would never marry a mand who gave her such a small diamond ring. Coincidentally, my grandmother was sitting next to us at the time and her ring was the same size, which didn't go over well.

Since her arrival she also became friendly with some relatives of hers that live in the area. However, a year ago there was a falling out due to the discovery that said family members were the ones that insigated some stories about her mom back home. There have been some back and forth comments with them over the year but we mostly ignore them.

She got a job about a year and a half ago, at forst she liked it but now she complains about it sometimes. It's retail and who doesnt complain about their job. She has looked for other jobs but has had no luck yet. She has even discussed going to school to learn a profession, but can't decide what.

Over the 2 years she has been here, most of the time everything is good, but sometimes that changes. It's usually around the time that she starts the placebo pills for her bith control that we have issues. Some small thing will make her mad and she will stop talking to me. She wont talk to me about the issue and tells me I should know. I only discovered recently from this site that this is called tampo and that I'm supposed to be psychic. There were a few occasions we moved past the tampo stage, but most of those times have been because of me not backing down about her talking to me and discussing the problems. The first time this happened was the time I called my parents to talk about it and they decided to come over and talk to us both, even I was embarased at that, I just wanted advice.

There was 1 other occasion, about a year ago were we went past the stage after tampo. She made some threats and hit me then too, but nothing so far as making me bleed like she did this time.

After that incident we were able to work through it and we had a couple of minor issues since then. But, yet again, she would not talk about them so I didn't know what to do to fix it. Thinking back on it, I think our relationship is like a series of earthquakes. We are fine for the most part and have a few small tremmors and then a major one once enough preasure has built up.

So as a message to all the filipina reading this thread, talk to your man when you are mad at them or something similar to this will happen to you. Or so thats is my opinion.

Anyway, I'm about to goto bed. We will see if she comes to bed with me or stays on the couch.

Some people don't want to be confronted and badgered with their 'tampo' or grievances. Next time she doesn't want to talk or is not ready to talk yet, give her some time.

I know I am like this and have landed me and my husband into a handful of 'earthquake' finally I had to tell him to quit bullying me into talking esp when I already said I don't want to talk about it at that time.

Learn when to push the issue and when to back down and let her cool her head off... each person handles confrontation/issues differently.

Good luck on both of you... but please no more physical violence. That is one road you two would not want to ever walk on.

[thrpeeoh 0]

I agree, reconciliation is the best approach.

Anyway, just a question... if the amount was only $10 why did you make such an issue about it anyway? You could've just let her have the $10 or transfered $10 from her account to the bills account. I don't understand this at all. It wasn't like she used $1000. I don't know, I just noticed that you two argued for the total amount of $10; and now you are contemplating on divorce (which would cost you more). I understand that financial responsibility and maturity is a must esp in these hard times but $10?? Really?

As for the bipolar thing, believe me... if this same thing happened in the Philippines, nobody here would even suggest anything like this. She might be depressed, she might have some issues but bipolar is too much jumping to conclusion. I hate it when people starts to accuse other people about mental illness - mental illness should not be taken lightly or suggested at every turn. People to snap, get angry, have outburst, etc. etc. let's not be too quick to say she's sick.

I didn't make it an issue per se, I commented on how she needs to curtail her spending from the home account and that we need to be saving for more important things like new windows or other home improvements.

Since the beginning of the year she has spent almost $2000 on clothes. All on her atm cards, both her own and the house. Know how many of those clothes are for her or myself? $500+ for her and $24 for me, she talked me into buying a new winter coat when it was on clearance after the season was over. The rest of the clothes all went in a box and got shipped home, along with a new laptop and several other things. With the cost of everything that went into the box we could have replaced nearly all the windows on the house so that next year we won't spend so much on heat.

Thursday morning we put $100 into her account, Thursday night she had spent $60 on stuff she couldn't remember, and didn't have anymore, plus $10 from her account and $10 from the home for a fat burning cream and a streatch mark reducer. She's 25 and bought a fat burning cream and a streatch mark reducer. She doesn't need the fat burner cream, she needs to exercise instead of sitting at the computer all day watching filipino shows on the internet. She also needs to realize that eating 3 cups or rice is not healthy where we live, especially since she doesn't walk everywhere like she used to. The other cream was not needed either, not only is she only 25 and her skin should be able to repair any stretches this young, she doesn't have stretch marks to begin with.Don't even ask where the other $60 went, and it certainly wasen't drugs.

Edited March 28, 2010 by thrpeeoh

[chinese_mutt 11]

I didn't make it an issue per se, I commented on how she needs to curtail her spending from the home account and that we need to be saving for more important things like new windows or other home improvements.

Since the beginning of the year she has spent almost $2000 on clothes. All on her atm cards, both her own and the house. Know how many of those clothes are for her or myself? $500+ for her and $24 for me, she talked me into buying a new winter coat when it was on clearance after the season was over. The rest of the clothes all went in a box and got shipped home, along with a new laptop and several other things. With the cost of everything that went into the box we could have replaced nearly all the windows on the house so that next year we won't spend so much on heat.

Thursday morning we put $100 into her account, Thursday night she had spent $60 on stuff she couldn't remember plus $10 from her account and $10 from the home for a fat burning cream and a streatch mark reducer. She's 25 and bought a fat burning cream and a streatch mark reducer. She doesn't need the fat burner cream, she needs to exercise instead of sitting at the computer all day watching filipino shows on the internet. She also needs to realize that eating 3 cups or rice is not healthy where we live, especially since she doesn't walk everywhere like she used to. The other cream was not needed either, not only is she only 25 and her skin should be able to repair any stretches this young, she doesn't have stretch marks to begin with.Don't even ask where the other $60 went, and it certainly wasen't drugs.

maybe she's feeling insecure. try lots of TLC, perhaps she will believe that she is sexy and still beautiful. i hope you haven't been telling her she's fat/gained weight/chubby/etc. that might be triggering most of her compulsive buying. was she like this before you got married? i mean buying clothes, gadgets, etc., beautifying herself to poverty? I know lots of women back home who are like that. try to reassure her that you still find her beautiful maybe if her self-esteem is repaired she will quit buying creams and things like that.

anyway, i hope you guys make it to forever. i'm not a fan of divorce.

Edited March 28, 2010 by chinese_mutt

[jom 4]

In marriage , I believe that you always have a choice. You love this person and you want to make things work out, no matter how big the problem is. But if you tried everything and one of you is still miserable because your ways are so different, there is no need to stay.

I am praying for both of you . Goodluck

[marklovetina 52]

Some people don't want to be confronted and badgered with their 'tampo' or grievances.

agree, but still she has no right to hit her half... i think she really needs a doctor..Y? bcoz she can't control herself when she is mad/ angry... as i read the OP says here this happened not 1s but even b4 just that he didn't bleed... its not really normal...

here in Phil. if a man hits a woman like me if ever honey hit me, on that spot i will file a divorce coz i believe even u are married she/ he has no right to hurt u physically... for me its only vice versa, here the one who hurt is a gurl but it doesnt mean she can do that every time she blew up.. and hey 3 yrs i think is a long way for her to adjust in US of A..

TO ALL: PLS. NO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.... GIVE U ALL PEACE...

Next time she doesn't want to talk or is not ready to talk yet, give her some time.

I know I am like this and have landed me and my husband into a handful of 'earthquake' finally I had to tell him to quit bullying me into talking esp when I already said I don't want to talk about it at that time.

Learn when to push the issue and when to back down and let her cool her head off... each person handles confrontation/issues differently.

Good luck on both of you... but please no more physical violence. That is one road you two would not want to ever walk on.

[justashooter 430]

She's 25 and bought a fat burning cream and a streatch mark reducer.

my wife is 28, weighs 105, and has perfect skin. she obsesses about it, and has an entire cosmetic store spread out over an entire wall of shelves in our bedroom, plus what is on the vanity table. that's just the price of living with a young asian woman.

your marriage isn't over, yet, adn your life is definitely viable, either way. it sounds like things will work out, one way or another. good luck in your path.

[kweenbee 0]

I dont think birth control pills can be blamed for hitting your husband. Sure, it gives me mood swings at that time of the month, but its something that lasts for about 10 mins to maybe 30 mins. i just feel like not getting along and picking a fight over the littlest things. My husband knows what im going thru and he lets it go and knows exactly when Im back to normal. PMS can cause mood swings but not enough to hit your husband or sleep on the couch or shop like crazy. I am a Filipina too, but a tampo is just when you want your husband to sweet talk you or console you. It doesnt have to go to the extremes. Being in a new country is not enough excuse to get crazy, nor dying family members an excuse to hit your husband or let him go thru an emotional roller coaster. When you really love someone, you work with your problems with the person you love, you dont take it against them. It was her choice after all to come here. nobody forced her. I believe if she really loves you, she'll work with you and try to make it work instead of getting into tantrums.

[sweet angel 5]

Things like this made me sad. I will pray for u and ur wife to make things better. Have faith and everything will be ok.

Godbless!

[Vixen 0]

Ei!

I know a lot of Fil gals in Singapore and they are mah friends

they like watching these what they call telenovelas a lot and they sometimes talk about it

your wife might be suffering from such effects-- she wants drama and action in her life

[pasaway na angel 2]

I think a lot of your problems stem from miscommunication. You both have problems expressing what you need to say in a way that the other would understand. It's not the language barrier but more of a basic difference between the male and female brains. The degree of being different varies from person to person and so some couples are able to communicate well while others are simply not on the same level. My hubby and I suggest that you could go to communications enhancement classes as a couple. Unlike in couples counseling, these classes deal more with how you talk and listen to each other instead of the private details of your specific problems. Your wife might respond to this type of approach better because she will see that you are not blaming her about your problems, rather, you are telling her that you also need to improve so you can better respond to her needs. These classes will teach you techniques on how to speak to each other so that arguments over small things will not blow out of proportion just because the one misinterprets what the other is saying. There are a lot of other benefits from these classes and so are worth a try.

I wish you and your wife all the best.

[Atencio 43]

I had a ex-sister in law that was bipolar and she would act exactly the same way.

If you are serious about saving the marriage mental illness is something to keep in mind among a host of other causes.

You really cant say for sure without professional help which is the rub, would she go?

I wish you the best of luck

Edited March 29, 2010 by Atencio

[eros_EX_Plumber 0]

As usual......

This forum has the "BEST" Telenovelas, Dramas .... reading it, beats even the best episode of the Discovery Channel..... :devil:

[TracyTN 237]

I dont think birth control pills can be blamed for hitting your husband.

That seems like an excuse to me, though I suppose we all do that when we're in 'love' sometimes.

I'd be very hesitant to continue being married to someone who acts more like a child than most children I know, but hey, it's your life.

Best of luck to you.