My life is over....

[thrpeeoh 0]

..after 3 years.

My wife and I met when I was on vacation in the Philippines in June of 2007. She seemed a perfectly normal and well adjusted individual. I met her family, they all seemed fine. I eventually asked her to marry me and she said yes.

In April 2008 she arrived in the USA on a Fiancee Visa. That May, we were married.

Over the past 2 years we have had some rows which all start over the smallest and stupidest of things, usually around that time of month. After a few days she would calm down and realize she was being childish and we would appologize.

6 months ago we bought a house. Since then we have been hemorrhaging money. After all our bills are paid and groceries bought and gas for the car we should have $200-$300 to put into our savings for home repairs, and thats before her paycheck from which she contributes some funds to the home account. Some of it is me, but alot of it is her. She buys and buys all the time. oh this was 80% off, this was only a dollar (so she bought 20+ to send home).

A few months ago she decided she wanted her own ATM account so that she could keep track of her spending and what she spends her money on. This was because, up until then, she would just take out cash and not know where all the money went, if she needed more she would take more. So instead of her taking out the money she decided she would transfer a set ammount into this account and keep track of what she spends. However, instead of keeping track, she would spend and spend, always asking me how much she had left. Sometimes less than 3 days after the money was transfered there was nothing left in the account, and it was supposed to last her for 2 weeks until her next paycheck. But it was her money, I didn't care what she did with it, just that she did not over spend and go in the red.

This all changed 2 days ago.

I got out from work and picked her up, we then went to a store that we had ordered a birthday present for her mom from, we got notification it had arrived. While there I bought a secondary gift that went with the primary and we then headed home.

On the way home she asked what I would do if she was nolonger there. Not knowing what she meant as I never intend to leave her and she is younger than me by 8 years, she, in a round about way, implied what would I do if she died, would I find someone else? To which I replied asked why she was saying things like that. But she wanted to know so I told her that I would not intentionally go looking for someone else but if God eventually sent someome to me maybe, things might happen. She then asked me why I treat her so well, I told her that is what people who love each other do. She then said she was hungry so we stopped at a restauraunt and she ate. I had eaten a few hours before when I was given a lunch break and was not hungry.

While eating she told me about some purchases she made that day. It was not an issue, until she told me she used the home funds that we pay all our bills with to pay for some of them because she didn't have enough. When I asked if she knew if the funds were available she did not. She just decided to spend like she always does without a care in the world. I tried to explained to her that she needs to stop doing this and thats when it all blew up. She says that I didn't know that you were counting me. I explained that I was not counting her, I was trying to account for our spending and find out where it is all going. I explained that I have to keep track of her spending form her account because she will not take a check register with her and keep track herself. Suddenly we are fighting again.

When we got home she took the ATM cards, both hers and the home account (supposed to be used for groceries, gas for the car, and other home needs) and threw them at me saying she nolonger needs them, she will start taking the cash out again so she won't have to keep asking me. I gave them back stating that she needs them, the home one is so she can buy gas for the car and other stuff when she is out without me. The other is her money. After throwing them at me some more and me handing them back and her screaming about me counting her, she decided to goto bed on the couch, I could not convince her to come to the bed.

The next morning she was scheduled to work and get out before me so we had already planned to have her take the car, she left without saying goodbye, just an I'm leaving now. My coworker picked me up for work later as planned.

When I got to work she was apparently on a break and decided to call me. She told me she threw the credit cards out. Where? She wouldn't tell me. But from experience she probably just hid them somewhere, I was not worried. I explained to her that I could not deal with this at the moment as I was at work and eventually ended the call, even thou she was still trying to talk to me. She called back several more times a few I answered and a few I did not. The last call she said she was throwing out the phone. After that I was unable to contact her because she turned it off.

When I got out of work I tried calling again because she was my ride home. The phone was still off. But she should have gotten out 3 hours before me so I called the house, she answeed and said she was coming.

When she got there I got in the passenger seat, at which time she got out and got in the back. I got i nthe drivers seat and told her to get in the front as I was not a limo driver, instead she threw my laptop at me. I shut the car off and told her we were not leaving until she got in the front. 20 mins later a coworker came out of work and left. She then said to me she wanted to go because this was embarrasing, but she would not get in the front seat. She then got out and told me she was walking home.

I started following her with the flashers on as its a dangerous niehborhood and she was wearing dark colors walking at night. After following her for a while, where she decided to take all these side streets, apparently she didn't want people to see this behavior, she finally got in the car. But in the back again. Again I waited and she eventually got in the fron, and put her seatbelt on. On the way home she took it off again, I stopped and waited again. And then she opened her door as we were driving, I stopped again.

It took over an hour to go 3 miles from my work to the house.

When we got home she threw her keys (car and house with alarm remote) in the trash can which had about an inch of gross water at the botom. She would nto get them out and I eventualy had to. I handed them to her which she then opened the door and went in letting the cat run out in the process. I brought my stuff in and closed the door while I had to run out and catch the cat.

When I got back in the house she was sitting on the couch and had thrown 2 folding tables around the room. I tried to talk to her she would not listen. I was on call for work so several calls came in I had to take but in between I tried to talk to her some more. When I sat next to her she hit me and told me to get away. When I tried to hold her she scratched my face and stabbed my hands with a nail cutter. I then held her arms down and screamed at her to calm down. We both were crying at this point, I didnt stop until I was in bed later, not sure when she stopped, but it was durring the rest of what happened.

She then went upstairs to the bedroom and closed the door. I followed shortly after, as soon as I opened the door I had to dodge a bar stool that was thrown at me from across the room. In my anger I picked up the stool and threw it to the other side of the room into the closet. She then blew past me and went back downstairs and pretended to fall instantly asleep.

I tried to find out where she put the phone so I can charge it, but she still pretends to be sleeping. I nudged her and nudged her trying to get her to "wake up" and she then pretended that I threw her off the couch. She then ran into another room and curled up on the floor when I came in she started thowing things at me again to which I grabbed the water bottle we somtimes spray at the cat when she is doing something wrong and spray her with it. At this point I'm yelling at her asking why she is acting like her 3 year old neice who seems to be a terror in the Philippines.

She then gives me the phone and says its over.

This morning she won't talk to me, she is uninjured and I have cuts all over my hands and scrathes on my face. She handed me a note saying "I officially intend to over this marriage. Give me a freedom. I can't save a marriage without love... anymore. and signed it with her maiden name.

I called into work and told them I'm working from home cause I cant go in looking like this. And I drove her to work because she "needs to make money". When we get there THATS when she decides to talk to me. She intends to save all her money over the next few weeks and buy a ticket home. She didn't take the phone, she didnt taker all her keys, only the house one, and says that I shouldnt pick her up tonight. When I told her I would be there to pick her up she said I wouldn't find her. She wants to separate.

All over a $10 item she purchased and me trying to get her to budget and keep track of her own spending.

Edited March 26, 2010 by thrpeeoh

[JuneFirst 1]

thrpeeoh, I am very sorry.

I cannot give you some magic adivce, but I can give you my opinion on all this.

Life can be very difficult and people sometimes just lose it, freak out, act like they normally would not.

I do not know if that applies to your wife but I guess what I am saying is, that this might just be something that the 2 of you will have to go through.

To be honest though - it does not sound like it was a "one time thing". To me it sounds like your and your wife's relationship as not been the best the last few years and just got to a point where the situation got out of control. Why is hasn't been the best I -of course- don't know.

It sounds like she has been going crazy slowly. 10$ can't cause a szene like this - it is just the tip of the iceberg.

I and nobody can tell you what to do. You need to know what you want to do.

Is your wife just a "mean" person? Or does she have serious issues and needs help - your help?

Maybe she has just had a (real) bad day?

Do you wanna keep this relationship up - or just the life you have had the last years?

There are a lot of questions, and I am sure your head is spinning.

All the adive I can give you is : talk with her.

If she is a somewhat reasonable person she will talk with you. You need to know what went wrong and talking with her is the only way to find out.

If you love each other you will get through this. Maybe not easily, but you will.

And hey: your life isn't over!! It is just at a point where you have to figure out some things for yourself.

I know I am very "optimistic" and I cannot imagine how bad I would hurt if my husband and I were in a situation like this.

I also think though, that what you are going through is not the end of the world. You guys obviously have some problems and you now gotta solve them -one way or another.

I wish you and your wife all the best.

Edited March 26, 2010 by JuneFirst

[Matt & Bing 56]

Your life is not over but it sounds like your marriage is. I think you should just let her go - she is not worth fighting for. She is not going to change.

Best of luck.

[Darnell 8,479]

If you see her again, don't touch her.

If she throws things at you, don't retaliate.

If she tries to hit you, duck.

IMO - she's using a 'playbook' - I have to assume that others are coaching her on what to do, to prove up abuse, so that she can remove conditions when filing for a 10 year card, on her own.

IF she already has the 10 year card - then , again IMO, she has played you all this time to get that card.

If she really wants to stay with you, if she really loves you -

she will have NO ISSUES with you changing the locks today,

removing her name from the joint bank account,

and other things you should do to protect yourself.

I also suggest you file for divorce, today. Include a protection order, to keep her out of the house, and to keep her from contacting you (for a period of 90 days or more).

You can supply other documents later, if / when needed - but initial filing is easy.

If she has a turn around, then you don't need to finish up the divorce proceedings, later.

anyway - that's my 2 cents on it. I'd be happy to be wrong, but she's fitting into a recognized pattern of the 'green card game'.

Good Luck, with whatever you decide to do.

Edited March 26, 2010 by Darnell

[sachinky 465]

I agree with what Darnell said.

Protect yourself.

[JuneFirst 1]

I agree with what Darnell said.

Protect yourself.

Wow, I am ... I guess a little shocked to read all this.

When I read something like that the marriage is the first thing I "worry" about - not the GC.

I might be a little naiv but it sounds so terrible that somebody would do something like that just to get a dumb GC.

Sounds like something that would happen in a movie, but not in real life.

My I ask you Darnell where you got that knowledge from?

[raymaga 25]

I think you must know that this relationship is not healthy for either one of you. I used to work in Domestic Violence, and believe me, I can tell you that this kind of behaviour will almost certainly keep escalating until someone is seriously hurt, and ends up in jail, with a record of domestic violence.

In Washington state, if the police are called to a domestic violence situation, one of the two parties involved is charged, NO MATTER WHAT. The police will arrest and charge the person that they feel is the more aggressive one (male OR female).

I can't tell you the amount of times I saw the same man/woman involved in these domestic violence situations over and over and over again. It is a vicious cycle that very rarely just stops. Counselling for both of you is the only hope that you have of stopping this cycle.

I hope you two are mature enough to work this out, with counselling, before either of you are seriously hurt.

Good luck.

[thrpeeoh 0]

June,

Originally she did not seem to be a mean person. But recently she has been throwing things at the cat, some of it was warranted thou (cat peed on clothes or some such)

Last year around this same time she had another big blowup, shortly after that she distanced herself from her aunt who lives in the same city as us. As I was told, she discovered the aunt was the source of some stories made about her mom a few years ago. She had some issues with them and calling names online which eventually prompted her aunts husband to some to her work and threaten to call the cops on her.

She does seem to be an antagonist.

Darrell,

I dont want a divorce, but that might be the way we are heading.

As for replacing the locks, I might need to replace the doors as well. We never did that when we bought the house so the locks are an old style deadbolt that noone makes anymore. And I dont have te money at the moment for that.

Her 3 year card is dated in Jan or Feb of 2009. So she has a way to go until we can file for the 10 year. On top of that, it is her intention to go home to the Philippines. If she were to stay here then I could forsee her attempting to get a 10 year. But if she gos home she will have no way back.

For months she has said that she wants to go home for a vacation, but we do not have the funds for the trip. I had told her, maybe next year, if we can save, but thats where the problem is. She has a savings that she has been putting some of her pay in every few weeks to pay for a trip but frequently has had to take money out to pay for other things.

All accounts have both of our names on them, the home repairs account even requires both of us to sign to withdraw.

Raymaga,

There have been several time I should probably have called the police in the past, but she is my wife and I think that might make things worse.

She doesn't want to talk to anyone, she wont even talk to her parents about it. There is something she has held over my head since we got married. Shortly after we got married we got into our first fight. No physical violence on tha one just verbal and ignoring me. I called my parents without her knowing to ask their advise. Little did I know that they were going to hop in the car and drive over to talk with us. Since then every time we fight about anything she says, go ahead call your parents.

She told me that anything that happens between us stays between us and that noone else needs to know. So, talking with anyone is out as she won't even consider it.

[Darnell 8,479]

My I ask you Darnell where you got that knowledge from?

Sure - you can ask. lets see - personal experience, in a prior life, and then my network of friends not on VJ, then

specifically a group of ex-husbands of PI-women who discovered this 'game', and then SOME of the 'stories' here on VJ.

I've been 'wired in' to this game since 2003.

[JuneFirst 1]

You love your wife and she has some serious problems;

IMO you have 2 choices

a) try working things out, helping her, seeing a conselor, maybe a psyologist.

b) give up.

i am not so sure though it is possible to give up on the one you love.

and if you don't help her - who will?

you said, she was "normal" when you first met her...reading your posts it sounds like she has been out there ever since and just keeps getting worse.

Sure - you can ask. lets see - personal experience, in a prior life, and then my network of friends not on VJ, then

specifically a group of ex-husbands of PI-women who discovered this 'game', and then SOME of the 'stories' here on VJ.

I've been 'wired in' to this game since 2003.

I don't know what to say - that is just unbelivable.

[DARUMA07 25]

The others here have given you good advice. My thoughts and prayers are with you two. Marriage is constant work and no marriage should have any violence or any threat of violence. If she wants to go, let her go!!! You will pick up the pieces and continue on with your life.

Don't do anything stupid that you may regret later. Life is way too short to be in a unhappy relationship! We are only hearing one side here, but I am giving you the benefit of the doubt.

[Darnell 8,479]

She told me that anything that happens between us stays between us and that noone else needs to know. So, talking with anyone is out as she won't even consider it.

You don't have to divorce, even if you FILE for divorce.

Filing for divorce, IMO, should give her a big wake up call.

It's a big difference, ya? Between FILING and GRANTED.

The thing that worries me, the most, is that regardless of who is attacking who - the man will be assumed to be the attacker, then get taken away, each time the police is called. IMO, she should leave the house today, you file protection order, etc etc

and put her stuff in storage, give her the key to it.

If she's not out of the house today, IMO, things will escalate. Someone's gonna get arrested.

Unless you've already installed an internal video system in your domicle, to record all activity - you have NO PROTECTION for yourself - it will solely be HER word vs yours when the police show up.

Sure, I am extreme about this. It's your life, your freedom - you should be extreme about it, also.

Sure , you love her. Sure - she has problems. Sure - the two of you have problems.

If you won't do something to remove her from the house today -

would you at least move out, today, to a relatives house?

You need to remove yourself from any threats, legal or otherwise.

Assuming things will get better, without serious intervention and counselling, IMO, is a fallacy.

Good Luck !

(my apologies if I seem harsh - it is because I AM HARSH about this kinda thing)

Edited March 26, 2010 by Darnell

[kweenbee 0]

As someone who just came here 4 months ago, I can say that there are times I get depressed, like really depressed just because my life here is so different than when I was in the Philippines. and being depressed is uncharacteristic for me because I am the happiest person in the world. I can make things work even when they suck. For the first months Ive been here, I get moments when I just wanna go home. Life is different here, you feel so alone even if there's tons onf people. My husband's family are very nice still I have my moments of depression and wanting to go back to my old life. So if your wife is experiencing this, I can understand that. But I think if she really loves you, she'll work this out with you instead of turning against you. I miss my old life too, when I had my own money and can buy anything I want since I had a good job (i worked for a newspaper). But I cant work yet but still it depresses me in a way I cant even explain.

Your fights seem really bad though. But maybe you can have a trial separation. Maybe that will help both of you decide what you really want. I doubt that she will really go back to the Phils though. While having a trial separation, you also can protect yourself. Some women can make up abuses and turn it around and blame it all on the guy. I've seen it happen. So protect yourself. But it might be too early to say you should get a divorce.

[Darnell 8,479]

I don't know what to say - that is just unbelivable.

I feel no compunction to change your opinion, from 'unbelievable' to 'believed'.

and thats ok. I've no concern about how you feel about this, really.

You asked a question, I answered, and you find the answer to be unbelievable.

OK. no worries - heck I'm not even upset, or even incredulous.

I'll assume you and I live in totally different worlds. And thats OK too.

Ages past, I had thought she wouldn't be that type of person, and she was.

Then I learned all about it.

Luckily, my current wife and I NOT HAVE these issues.

thrpeeoh - my apologies for the thread drift, seriously !

Edited March 26, 2010 by Darnell

[Brother Hesekiel 2,236]

A failed marriage after pretty much exactly 2 years. From an immigration perspective the only information is missing if she has a 2-year or 10-year green card.