Am I being unreasonable here...?

[JenT 0]

Perfect,

I've read through these pages and you have received wise advice, for the most part. Consider the fact that you have enabled this situation by being as accommodating as you have been... that in itself is not necessarily negative... people take turns being accommodating in a relationship. But that, coupled with all of the circumstances you have shared, and the fact that your husband only appears to be accommodating to himself, translates to you being correct in questioning the health of your relationship.

Only you can decide when 'enough is enough'... it's easy for us to judge from the outside, especially with having only one side of the story. And you have to take the advice you're receiving in that context. You are not being hormonal. You are absolutely justified in feeling the way you do. I would suggest professional help in order to gain the strength you need to stand up for your own happiness... and be very careful in how you proceed with your husband (another reason to seek professional help). Controlling people such as he do not respond favorably to confrontation or the sudden development of strength within the person they are seeking to dominate...

Wishing you the best in your decision making,

Jen

Edited August 3, 2006 by JenT

[Cdnwmn 0]

Perfect

First of all I want to say that I'm sorry about what you are going through.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe it wasn't long after you had arrived and married, that your husband had started to treat you horribly.

Not to be mean spirited but how much more of this can you put up with?

Good luck on whatever you decide.

[Itsmeitsmeitsree! 0]

Andy, look at what you are saying.

Perfect is the immigrant who moved here. How much of a support network do you think she has? Do you think she's got LOADS of close friends she could talk to about this? I doubt it. So she posted here to get something off her chest. Maybe some of the details were more 'intimate' than you or I might post, but she HAS tried to speak to her husband about it and he disregards it. You will be the immigrant soon. What if you had no where else to turn? What if Fiona pooh'd your feelings?

First off maybe look closer at our situation Fiona WILL be the immigrant not myself, an if she "pooh'd" on my feelings we would deal with it, even if it means we have to have a conflict of words, a fight if you will, the point is I wasn't basing my post off myself but rather what "I" felt from the OP. I'm sorry you can't/don't wish to understand some people still consider "ole' fashioned" beliefs like not breaking your marriage into another man's life or woman's for that matter quite that great but as only a 3rd Gen. American an the family I have an how we were raised this is unexceptable. I'm posting how I feel just as the rest of you except I don't make a final judgement on anyone as where here I'm reading ####### like leave the guy...

Next time you qoute me I would appreciate my whole post as you chopped it to skew the overall intension, as I said it was expected my opinions wouldn't be popular (well if they are I doubt enough have the nerve to say so) but I'm not here for that, hell I aint really here for this type of post rather for the information on the Govt. process of a Visa...

Everyone has a right to do as they please an I'm not saying otherwise so excuse my thought out first post where I was critical on the posting of such issues but also reread where I also gave some decent suggestion's... I don't follow peoples cases as I have my family to worry about but from what I got her attempts to connect with her husband are ended when he rejects her ... well ya know what the same thing has happend to most relationships an if ya say "NO never ours..." your straight lying an this has happended to myself an Fiona though *shock, horror, gasp* she didn't turn around (with a bad past also) an go into a forum she let me have my little tantrum and we really started to get to know each other one hell of alot. Imagine that...

Again I nicely ask not to chop quotes of me as I pride myself in the way I structure my statements as when thrown around the "whole" point is lost, ya know kinda like how David Letterman or Jay Leno cut audio files of Bush to make him look worse, it's not needed let himself do that an by quoting my entire post's you'll be doing the same otherwise I'll just end up skipping over your post's like a horse apple in the road an those shows I just mentioned...

=/\=Andrew=/\=

I've been browsing through the replies to this topic since it began. I've chosen not to post any advice, because I believe the proper advice has been given already. I will just add my wishes for a happy outcome for perfect.

The reason I'm quoting Andrew is that I take exception not with what he says, but how he says it. He says that one reason he doesn't want anyone to use only partial pieces of his posts because he "prides himself in the way he structures his statements." Apparently he takes pride in, but gives no thought to, grammar, punctuation, or run-on sentences. Just my two cents worth.

[*Robert* 2]

All I can say is "dayum!!!"

Hormones have NOTHING to do with your feelings/problems right now. If you think that once you're finished with your cycle that your world will be okay, you are in complete denial, and need to seek professional counseling.

If there is any way at all you can see a counselor, I would strongly suggest you do so, before things get any worse.

[AFQuaid 18]

Andy, look at what you are saying.

Perfect is the immigrant who moved here. How much of a support network do you think she has? Do you think she's got LOADS of close friends she could talk to about this? I doubt it. So she posted here to get something off her chest. Maybe some of the details were more 'intimate' than you or I might post, but she HAS tried to speak to her husband about it and he disregards it. You will be the immigrant soon. What if you had no where else to turn? What if Fiona pooh'd your feelings?

First off maybe look closer at our situation Fiona WILL be the immigrant not myself, an if she "pooh'd" on my feelings we would deal with it, even if it means we have to have a conflict of words, a fight if you will, the point is I wasn't basing my post off myself but rather what "I" felt from the OP. I'm sorry you can't/don't wish to understand some people still consider "ole' fashioned" beliefs like not breaking your marriage into another man's life or woman's for that matter quite that great but as only a 3rd Gen. American an the family I have an how we were raised this is unexceptable. I'm posting how I feel just as the rest of you except I don't make a final judgement on anyone as where here I'm reading ####### like leave the guy...

Next time you qoute me I would appreciate my whole post as you chopped it to skew the overall intension, as I said it was expected my opinions wouldn't be popular (well if they are I doubt enough have the nerve to say so) but I'm not here for that, hell I aint really here for this type of post rather for the information on the Govt. process of a Visa...

Everyone has a right to do as they please an I'm not saying otherwise so excuse my thought out first post where I was critical on the posting of such issues but also reread where I also gave some decent suggestion's... I don't follow peoples cases as I have my family to worry about but from what I got her attempts to connect with her husband are ended when he rejects her ... well ya know what the same thing has happend to most relationships an if ya say "NO never ours..." your straight lying an this has happended to myself an Fiona though *shock, horror, gasp* she didn't turn around (with a bad past also) an go into a forum she let me have my little tantrum and we really started to get to know each other one hell of alot. Imagine that...

Again I nicely ask not to chop quotes of me as I pride myself in the way I structure my statements as when thrown around the "whole" point is lost, ya know kinda like how David Letterman or Jay Leno cut audio files of Bush to make him look worse, it's not needed let himself do that an by quoting my entire post's you'll be doing the same otherwise I'll just end up skipping over your post's like a horse apple in the road an those shows I just mentioned...

=/\=Andrew=/\=

I've been browsing through the replies to this topic since it began. I've chosen not to post any advice, because I believe the proper advice has been given already. I will just add my wishes for a happy outcome for perfect.

The reason I'm quoting Andrew is that I take exception not with what he says, but how he says it. He says that one reason he doesn't want anyone to use only partial pieces of his posts because he "prides himself in the way he structures his statements." Apparently he takes pride in, but gives no thought to, grammar, punctuation, or run-on sentences. Just my two cents worth.

Thanks for copying the whole thing it is appreciated ... my statements are that as if I was speaking excuse the bad grammar an run-on sentences. Also thank you for making a personal attack against me that just goes to show how VJ is shifting...

=/\=Andrew=/\=

[rebeccajo 14]

Andy, first let me say 'oops' for referring to you as the intending immigrant. I know full well that Fiona will be the one coming here. My bad. However, I guess my error didn't cause you to ponder my point......what if one tried speaking to their spouse, had no support network and just needed to vent. As you intend to be married to an immigrant, I suggest you ponder this point.

Secondly, partial quotes are not meant to skew the writings of an individual. It is a common editorial technique used to bring forth what appears to be the salient points of the writing.

If I may bring forth one of your salient points, you say if you and Fiona had a disagreement you 'would deal with it'. Good. But it doesn't appear that Perfect's husband has the same perspective. Instead he has elected to chalk it up to 'hormones' and then attack her weight, hair style, etc.

The OP asked what we thought. We told her. Maybe that's not the best way to handle marital discord (in your opinion) but at this point I don't see the harm in her post.

Oh and remember if you choose to 'horse apple' points of a discussion, you miss all the points of the discussion and thereby loose the value of different perspectives. Of course if you believe you are right and everybody who disagrees with you is wrong, then hey it's a technique that works.

Is that your stance?

Edited August 3, 2006 by rebeccajo

[incanada1234 0]

great advice, huh? i hope they seem familiar, because they are the same exact words you offered someone else during her time of need.

You scare me.

she scares me too

I was thinking the same exact thing...

wow!! i don't think i've scared this many people in a row ... what was so scary??

I'm curious about that too. What was so scary about it? Am I missing something here?

Edited August 3, 2006 by incanada1234

[irishgirl73 0]

great advice, huh? i hope they seem familiar, because they are the same exact words you offered someone else during her time of need.

You scare me.

she scares me too

I was thinking the same exact thing...

wow!! i don't think i've scared this many people in a row ... what was so scary??

I'm curious about that too. What was so scary about it? Am I missing something here?

I wrote that because Gimny pulled a post from the OP where she was giving great advice to someone-much like the advice she was seeking yesterday.

Well that and I wouldn't want to get on her bad side

[Fandango 1,439]

great advice, huh? i hope they seem familiar, because they are the same exact words you offered someone else during her time of need.

You scare me.

she scares me too

I was thinking the same exact thing...

wow!! i don't think i've scared this many people in a row ... what was so scary??

I'm curious about that too. What was so scary about it? Am I missing something here?

I wrote that because Gimny pulled a post from the OP where she was giving great advice to someone-much like the advice she was seeking yesterday.

Well that and I wouldn't want to get on her bad side

That advice had already been hotlinked before by LouLou on page one....

Edited August 3, 2006 by LisaD

[irishgirl73 0]

great advice, huh? i hope they seem familiar, because they are the same exact words you offered someone else during her time of need.

You scare me.

she scares me too

I was thinking the same exact thing...

wow!! i don't think i've scared this many people in a row ... what was so scary??

I'm curious about that too. What was so scary about it? Am I missing something here?

I wrote that because Gimny pulled a post from the OP where she was giving great advice to someone-much like the advice she was seeking yesterday.

Well that and I wouldn't want to get on her bad side

That advice had already been hotlinked before by LouLou on page one....

I know I did see that but Gimny still scares me

[britbird 4]

If he doesnt' like the cleaning situation then maybe he could return one of his nasty suits and pay for a cleaning crew to come round once a week.

Oh, and if you have a joint credit card just go out and get yourself the pressies you like...seems fine for him to do it, you might aswell treat yourself aswell.

Oh, and while you're at it, take yourself off to a spa or a manicure/pedicure day, it'll make you feel good. Join a gym, there will be people there who you can take classes with and after a little while you'll have some buddies and will also feel a bit better about yourself - exercise gets rid of those angsty chemicals in your system. It may seem crappy to begin with, but after a few weeks your body starts to really get a kick out of it.

Don't cry, you are a strong successful woman. You've moved across continents and you've kicked the immigration system. You can deal with this. Get out there and be proud. If you like some clothes that you have bought then wear them. If you don't know what you should wear then go into Macy's or Nordstrom's (or The Gap or Old Navy..whatever works for you) and get a shop assistant to help you pick some things out - they like doing stuff like that because it means that they don't really have to do any work.

Start up your own savings account - like with ING - that way you can keep control of your money even if your husband is a jerk with his.

You don't have to wait for someone else to treat you nicely or get you nice things, you can treat yourself.

[almaty 19]

great advice, huh? i hope they seem familiar, because they are the same exact words you offered someone else during her time of need.

You scare me.

she scares me too

I was thinking the same exact thing...

wow!! i don't think i've scared this many people in a row ... what was so scary??

I'm curious about that too. What was so scary about it? Am I missing something here?

I wrote that because Gimny pulled a post from the OP where she was giving great advice to someone-much like the advice she was seeking yesterday.

Well that and I wouldn't want to get on her bad side

That advice had already been hotlinked before by LouLou on page one....

I know I did see that but Gimny still scares me

not me..sister monique is my buddy and always offers excellent advice with no punches pulled

[Anyta Holland 1]

If you are so unhappy, and if the only thing he seems to do es get loans and credit, why are you still with him?

I know that you might be in love, but this is obviously not a healthy relationship, so I really don't get it... Do you really depend on him that much?

I don't mean to be confrontational, but I think that you are being unreasonable by staying with him...

Good luck...

[irishgirl73 0]

great advice, huh? i hope they seem familiar, because they are the same exact words you offered someone else during her time of need.

You scare me.

she scares me too

I was thinking the same exact thing...

wow!! i don't think i've scared this many people in a row ... what was so scary??

I'm curious about that too. What was so scary about it? Am I missing something here?

I wrote that because Gimny pulled a post from the OP where she was giving great advice to someone-much like the advice she was seeking yesterday.

Well that and I wouldn't want to get on her bad side

That advice had already been hotlinked before by LouLou on page one....

I know I did see that but Gimny still scares me

not me..sister monique is my buddy and always offers excellent advice with no punches pulled

I know-she holds nothing back that is why she scares me I mean that in a good way-no disrespect

[*Robert* 2]

not me..sister monique is my buddy and always offers excellent advice with no punches pulled

You are a right thinking man brother Dean!