Am I being unreasonable here...?

[almaty 19]

He spends thousands of dollars on clothes for himself

Congratulations, you're married to a narcissist.

and no pill can help a personailty disorder

[Traviesa 0]

This sounds astoundingly like my ex. Big time spending issues. Loads of debt brought to the marriage(all blamed on the exwife.)

Now then...I know before I even type this I'm going to get flamed by someone(if not several someones) for typing this, but have you thought about the possibility he's bi-polar? If all these things come and go in spurts it's worth checking into.

It doesn't sound much like bipolar. He is, after all, sleeping. She's the one losing sleep over this

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I always ask the Dr Phil question...

"Considering that at least one definition of love is that the security and well-being of your partner is as significant to you as your own security and well-being, then would you say that, based on results, he behaves in a way that reflects that he is in love with you?"

If your answer is no you need to get some help. He also needs some serious help. Do not allow this behaviour to continue for one more day, let alone months, years.

[CarolineM 0]

He sounds like a class A jerk to me.

[rebeccajo 14]

He spends thousands of dollars on clothes for himself

Congratulations, you're married to a narcissist.

A succinct and completely accurate summation.

Run, do not walk, as far away from this man as possible. Do not waste your time on counseling. Do not waste another moment of your time on earth trying to satisfy this miserable SOB. The only thing you are going to gain from this marriage is debt and nuerosis.

I spent 27 years married to one that sounds JUST LIKE HIM. The first sign (within 6 months of our marriage) was suits and shoes that cost four times our monthly rent. 27 years later we and the bank owned a house, 2 cars, a one ton truck and a 34 foot fifth-wheel. Our payments were 63% of our net monthly income. We could not afford to take our $100,000 rig out on the road for a vacation. There was not one dime put back for our only childs college education. There was a line of woman a mile wide that he had slept with. He disliked my hair color and style, my weight and I never gave him enough sex. I cried in bed many a night, right beside him, just as you did last night.

One day he lifted me by the shoulders and threw me across the room. 3 months later he threw a shovel at me. It took that to break me.

Go. Run. Fly. NOW!

[irishgirl73 0]

He spends thousands of dollars on clothes for himself

Congratulations, you're married to a narcissist.

A succinct and completely accurate summation.

Run, do not walk, as far away from this man as possible. Do not waste your time on counseling. Do not waste another moment of your time on earth trying to satisfy this miserable SOB. The only thing you are going to gain from this marriage is debt and nuerosis.

I spent 27 years married to one that sounds JUST LIKE HIM. The first sign (within 6 months of our marriage) was suits and shoes that cost four times our monthly rent. 27 years later we and the bank owned a house, 2 cars, a one ton truck and a 34 foot fifth-wheel. Our payments were 63% of our net monthly income. We could not afford to take our $100,000 rig out on the road for a vacation. There was not one dime put back for our only childs college education. There was a line of woman a mile wide that he had slept with. He disliked my hair color and style, my weight and I never gave him enough sex. I cried in bed many a night, right beside him, just as you did last night.

One day he lifted me by the shoulders and threw me across the room. 3 months later he threw a shovel at me. It took that to break me.

Go. Run. Fly. NOW!

this is the best advice you have been given

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

He spends thousands of dollars on clothes for himself

Congratulations, you're married to a narcissist.

and no pill can help a personailty disorder

I know a couple pills that can help perfect though

P.S. yeah. he sounds like an ###

[MrMrsKnight 0]

As someone said before.... follow your own advice!

Good luck and we're here for you!

Having worked in Psychology for some time and also having been in two abusive relationships prior to marrying my husband ,it appears as though your situation is indeed one of co-dependency and that this man deliberately took advantage of your nurturing and caring personal qualities, probably also of the fact that you were vulnerable and isolated from many forms of support when you met and communicated online. Sadly there are men (and occasonally women) who deliberately target people whom they feel they will easily gain control over and be able to manipulate to enable them to achieve their own ends.

I can only second what has already been said very wisely here: until you are ready and able to accept that this relationship can and will only ever be destructive to you and your daughter, you will continue to subject yourself to this abuse. Once you realize this man will never change, but that the abuse will only escalate as you fail to bow and scrape to his demands, then you will empower yourself to regain your life, your self-esteem and the courage and strength to change your situation.

You are a beautiful woman and I feel the pain you are experiencing, but until you understand what co-dependency is and how to deal with the unhealthy patterns it exhibits, I fear you will continue to believe that you love this man and allow yourself to continue to be destroyed emotionally by him.

Many sensible suggestions have been made such as changing your phone number - in doing this you are not only protecting yourself from having contact with him this way but you are also changing the balance of control so as to start to empower yourself.

Reading may seem like a ridiculous thing to suggest at this time, but I would suggest reading a book called Co-dependent no more. I can guarantee once you pick it up you won't be able to put it down, you will find yourself agreeing out loud with what it says and relating as a woman to how it describes a co-dependent realationship.

The take some time out - while you are off work for 2 weeks, why not just take your daughter away at least for a weekend and spend some real quality time together without distraction, away from the home where memories are always around you so you can be somewhat more objective about who you are, what you want and where you are going. Work out what is really important to you.

Perhaps consider seeing a psychologist who can help you unravel why this relationship, though obviously unhealthy, is such a draw for you, why your self-esteem is so low and how to enable and protect yourself from this in the future.

One thing I've learned in life is that we all have choices. Some are harder to make than others, but at the end of the day, you can't blame anyone else if you know the right choice to make but you choose not to make it, for whatever reason.

Only you can know what is right for you and only you can do it, but sometimes we need other people who are not so emotionally entagled to take a step back for us and help us see reality.

I hope you find the strength and courage to do what you need to do - and soon!

Take very good care of yourself and your daughter and know that you are both worth so much more than what this abuser has to offer you.

[Thingee 0]

I think everyone is agreeing that this is not a case of PMS. I honestly tend to agree with the multiple 'run!' statements, I'd add the rider that you need to try and cover your behind credit wise as much as possible first.

[Kez/JWolf 6]

It took me 15 years to get away from my ex..... and he was just like your husband.... all self and not a care about me or our kids... to other he was so helpful... would do anything to help others and was seen as a good man.... I left when he attacked me with a baseball bat, shattering both my legs and my pelvis... all because I said we could not affored for him to spend anymore money on his clothes....

that was in 1995... it took me until 2003 to even think about having any sort of relationship with another man... here we are in 2006 and I have a wonderful caring husband....

Yes run, run far away and dont ever look back.....

Kezzie

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

Dump him.

I say it's long over due. Sorry I'm not going to post about how sorry I feel for you and how I hope things will work out. (Not that I don't).

This guy is not worth your time, effort and energy.

Take care of yourself.

[irishgirl73 0]

It always amazes me how we can give the best advice to people-but never apply it to our own lives. I give my friends the best advice about their lives-but mine is a mess

Your man is a controlling a-hole................I don't think he will change. Do what's best for you!!!!!!!!

[TracyTN 237]

PMS is PMS. Your reactions to the crappy way he's treating you has very very little to do with PMS (except maybe the extra crying

I would very quickly have a serious conversation with him about all of this. Personally I wouldn't put up with it one moment longer.

No one deserves to be made to feel this way, particularly by the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone in the world.

Good luck to you.

Edited August 2, 2006 by TracyTN

[rebeccajo 14]

It always amazes me how we can give the best advice to people-but never apply it to our own lives.....

*winks*

That'll change as you get older. Sometimes it takes a LONG while to learn a lesson, but once learned you never forget. You also realize that EVERYBODY ELSE can't be wrong....

[Fandango 1,439]

$26k for his brother? Tell me that was a typo!