Am I being unreasonable here...?

[Tim and Bethanie 1]

Stop giving and doing for him, and see what you get back. It appears as though the more you do the more he spends. Those tickets would not be handed over to him or his friend, tell him you are carrying them in your purse until you get there and you will ONLY give them to the persons you bought them for! Basically start saying NO! Obviously your money is helping to pay for all of his luxuries, so stop allowing it to happen. It is one thing for you to assist paying the normal bills, but for the rest of it that is his responsibility, tell him to get an extra job and pay for the excessive things he has purchased without your permission or knowledge!

[camifree 2]

Girl.... I don't know details of your circumstances beyond the ones you already gave us... But I wouldn't give one more day of my life to such a selfish and selfcentered person... I'm so sorry you have let him make yourself guilty (or your hormones), but hey, you finally realized something's not right! That's a good point to start, I guess.... Take advantage of the fact that you don't have children together (I assume you don't since you said nothing about that) and LEAVE, RUN, FLY AWAY like rebecca said... There's always the chance of starting over... I know what I tell you... and I see there are ppl here who know it even better...

GOOD LUCK!

[AFQuaid 18]

Ric Flair should shut the fuq up and know better than to drag his comedy act into a thread like this

Wooooo!

Woooo!

No comedy LisaD, in fact a good question!

Woooo!

I only read the OP an a few responses after before nearly chucking my keyboard ... and Ric, comedy or not you are right it's a damn valid question (an funny way to present it heh) also despite what alo may think on here. All I see is a serious problem, a wife comming online for help an not to specailists or her husband, yes I read his responses an I've had a few of those myself again what is his side of the story. If Fiona were to come into VJ after she is here spouting our problems in OUR relationship I'd think I would flip out even more, an I'm betting her husband hasn't seen this thread (but not sure as I skipped most of it) but can only imagine his opinion based on the OP... People might jump on me for this but one I find people funny in a not so good way comming in here looking for comfort or something of the sorts an two for in alot of cases going behind their partner's back to do so. I look upon taking such intense feelings like this online to the sorts which dwell here as just the same as going to any stranger an spilling your most intimate personal problems of your marriage (for christs sake you bring up sexual relations), or even to the same likes as taking the problem to an Ex...

If your here complaining it is either beyond a point of hope or ya might wanna hush an just speak with your husband, even if you have to swallow some pride an hear his BS about your lacking whatever he believes so that you can understand him. Sometimes it just takes that, an as far as money if your working so damn hard get your own seperate account to save some for yourself I mean good lord...

I wont even touch your speaking of expecting to be more important then his twin, and especailly his CHILD!

=/\=Andrew=/\=

[camifree 2]

I was just asking a friend who was reading the post as well if it could be a lie or an exaggeration just to get replies for some lack of attention or sth like that... it's hard to know, I guess... it's just too much... what's that about him having her things returned to the store because he doesn't like them?????? That's too weird and too old fashioned... IMO

[one...two...tree 2,762]

But I will say this...the fact that you've prefaced it all with the 'i've got pms' really concerns me because you're not even giving yourself the benefit of being angry without blaming it back on yourself....

I agree...Perfect's husband is invalidating her feelings every day (calling her emotionally unstable when she voices her real concerns), and now she feels she doesn't even have the right to have them. I've been there.

Perfect, I hope you will consider what people here have said.

Alexandra, your avatar ROCKS! Awesome! okay...back to topic.

[ceriserose 1]

Your subject line asks if you're being unreasonable. I don't think you are. However, that's an opinion from a total stranger, so I don't know how valid that will be in your life.

I offer a couple of ideas for you to think about. (i.e. Not necessarily sharing what you come up with with the board...food for thought if you will.)

One of your threads mentions/alludes to former abusive relationships. You've obviously come to a point where you can identify those as such, so think about what it was that makes you describe them as abusive. What were your patterns within those relationships? How did you know to get out, and when it was the right time to do so?

Now what parallels, if any, do you see now in this relationship?

What do *you* want out of life, and out of this relationship (imagine your minimum needs and then if you could have anything)? Do you think that is achievable with your husband? If so, how? If not, what do you want to do? Is the status quo manageable even if it won't fulfill all your expectations?

It's unfortunate because in your posts here you seem to be the type who faces problems head on (fixing the financial situation that wasn't your mess in the first place), and this is something that you will need to face head on as well. You have other factors, like a child, to consider as well.

I can't stress enough communication as a way to find out where your husband is willing to work with you on this. I get the feeling from your posts that you're not communicating effectively with each other...can you find ways to engage one another in a meaningful and productive conversation?

I wish you the best.

[cheeky^Wolf 0]

When the bad times outweigh the good, it's time to reconsider.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Alot of us have been there, trust us, the grass IS greener on the otherside.

Please make the right decision, for your sake.

Helen

[Paul and Melanie 0]

Dump that hump!

[rebeccajo 14]

People might jump on me for this but one I find people funny in a not so good way comming in here looking for comfort or something of the sorts an two for in alot of cases going behind their partner's back to do so............I wont even touch your speaking of expecting to be more important then his twin, and especailly his CHILD!

=/\=Andrew=/\=

Andy, look at what you are saying.

Perfect is the immigrant who moved here. How much of a support network do you think she has? Do you think she's got LOADS of close friends she could talk to about this? I doubt it. So she posted here to get something off her chest. Maybe some of the details were more 'intimate' than you or I might post, but she HAS tried to speak to her husband about it and he disregards it. You will be the immigrant soon. What if you had no where else to turn? What if Fiona pooh'd your feelings?

Perfect never said she wants to be more 'important' than her husband's brother or child. I really don't see where you get that idea. But she is his wife. Where is the wife supposed to fall in her husband's priority line? Behind others? I don't think so.....even Christianity (I loosely use the word 'even' to frame the concept of Christian beliefs as being very traditional beliefs and mean no offense by the use of that word) teaches that the spouse has precedence over children in the family structure.

[Fandango 1,439]

People might jump on me for this but one I find people funny in a not so good way comming in here looking for comfort or something of the sorts an two for in alot of cases going behind their partner's back to do so............I wont even touch your speaking of expecting to be more important then his twin, and especailly his CHILD!

=/\=Andrew=/\=

Andy, look at what you are saying.

Perfect is the immigrant who moved here. How much of a support network do you think she has? Do you think she's got LOADS of close friends she could talk to about this? I doubt it. So she posted here to get something off her chest. Maybe some of the details were more 'intimate' than you or I might post, but she HAS tried to speak to her husband about it and he disregards it. You will be the immigrant soon. What if you had no where else to turn? What if Fiona pooh'd your feelings?

Perfect never said she wants to be more 'important' than her husband's brother or child. I really don't see where you get that idea. But she is his wife. Where is the wife supposed to fall in her husband's priority line? Behind others? I don't think so.....even Christianity (I loosely use the word 'even' to frame the concept of Christian beliefs as being very traditional beliefs and mean no offense by the use of that word) teaches that the spouse has precedence over children in the family structure.

Becca is absolutely right, imo.

Andrew....most of us here share very intimate feelings with each other...in the respect of the solitude, the lonely nights, the frustration. We share each other's disappointments & cheer each other's approvals and reunions, etc....those are some pretty strong feelings there. You begin to think of people less as a message board, and more as friends....

Now I'm not saying I would share things like this...but I have friends and a family in place where I can chew their ears off. And I'd hardly call this an 'immigrant's nightmare' part 3.

I know when I lived in England, it was all about me living D's life...his life, his friends, etc. The girls I met were partners of his mates. And when D and I would have silly spats...sometimes they felt more to me than that because I felt I had nowhere to turn & no one to talk to. I wouldn't dare call my mom, cos she would just say 'come home then' or same with my friends here. And I didn't feel comfortable talking to my girlfriends there, cos as I said...they were with D's friends. I can tell you it's quite a frustrating feeling, and I'm talking about silly fights, not serious problems as discussed by the OP.

Also....and now I'm reaching back...but sometimes, it's easier to tell a faceless person your troubles. I'd often call a friend of mine years ago to share my problems with...cos she was far away, and too far removed from the situation to pass judgement on it, or hold a grudge against my ex in case we became lovey-dovey. It would have always been her holding summat against him if she had to socialize with him after that, so I felt someone far away was the best candidate.

For these reasons, I feel that Perfect shouldn't be judged for divulging her stuff....and maybe the outside voices that were heard today help her in coming to some sort of resolution, one way or another.

[Canuck Carrie 1]

You've been given enough excellent advice so I'll refrain.

I hope you find your strength to make the best decision for yourself, no matter what it is.

[AFQuaid 18]

Andy, look at what you are saying.

Perfect is the immigrant who moved here. How much of a support network do you think she has? Do you think she's got LOADS of close friends she could talk to about this? I doubt it. So she posted here to get something off her chest. Maybe some of the details were more 'intimate' than you or I might post, but she HAS tried to speak to her husband about it and he disregards it. You will be the immigrant soon. What if you had no where else to turn? What if Fiona pooh'd your feelings?

First off maybe look closer at our situation Fiona WILL be the immigrant not myself, an if she "pooh'd" on my feelings we would deal with it, even if it means we have to have a conflict of words, a fight if you will, the point is I wasn't basing my post off myself but rather what "I" felt from the OP. I'm sorry you can't/don't wish to understand some people still consider "ole' fashioned" beliefs like not breaking your marriage into another man's life or woman's for that matter quite that great but as only a 3rd Gen. American an the family I have an how we were raised this is unexceptable. I'm posting how I feel just as the rest of you except I don't make a final judgement on anyone as where here I'm reading ####### like leave the guy...

Next time you qoute me I would appreciate my whole post as you chopped it to skew the overall intension, as I said it was expected my opinions wouldn't be popular (well if they are I doubt enough have the nerve to say so) but I'm not here for that, hell I aint really here for this type of post rather for the information on the Govt. process of a Visa...

Everyone has a right to do as they please an I'm not saying otherwise so excuse my thought out first post where I was critical on the posting of such issues but also reread where I also gave some decent suggestion's... I don't follow peoples cases as I have my family to worry about but from what I got her attempts to connect with her husband are ended when he rejects her ... well ya know what the same thing has happend to most relationships an if ya say "NO never ours..." your straight lying an this has happended to myself an Fiona though *shock, horror, gasp* she didn't turn around (with a bad past also) an go into a forum she let me have my little tantrum and we really started to get to know each other one hell of alot. Imagine that...

Again I nicely ask not to chop quotes of me as I pride myself in the way I structure my statements as when thrown around the "whole" point is lost, ya know kinda like how David Letterman or Jay Leno cut audio files of Bush to make him look worse, it's not needed let himself do that an by quoting my entire post's you'll be doing the same otherwise I'll just end up skipping over your post's like a horse apple in the road an those shows I just mentioned...

=/\=Andrew=/\=

[AFQuaid 18]

Hi Perfect,

I feel for you and your situation. It must be a great strain on your mind all these issues with your husband. Can I ask, are you afraid to have the "ultimate" discussion with him? Somehow I sense that you may be frightened to bring it all out in the open with him. But perhaps it would be the best thing you ever did. He'd know exactly what your feelings are and not through hints, odd occasional comments etc.. And so if he goes in a huff for a few hours/days it may be the thing that either makes him open his eyes and see whats going on or make you step back take a look at the whole picture and make a decision for your own happiness.

Every relationship has its hiccups, Andrew and I have had many but eventually it blows over. You just need to have it out in the open. Keeping feelings like these especially about your SO inside is just making it more hurtful for you.

Let us know how to get on.

As for "just being hormonal" perhaps it is that thats made you "see" the issues instead of blocking them away which is a thumbs up for menstrating. Also it's alright to cry, I've cried and been angry at Andrew for no apparent reason. But obviously in your situation it's brought about important issues you need to sort out in your marriage.

Good Luck

Fiona

[Fandango 1,439]

[gimygirl 0]

great advice, huh? i hope they seem familiar, because they are the same exact words you offered someone else during her time of need.

You scare me.

she scares me too

I was thinking the same exact thing...

wow!! i don't think i've scared this many people in a row ... what was so scary??

I give up.....

I shall no longer bother you with my hormonal thoughts.

this is NOT hormonal ... you are being mentally/emotionally abused to a degree. what you decide to do at this point is your decision, but trust me ... this is not because of your hormones (regardless of how many times he tries to convince you of that).