Am I being unreasonable here...?

[perfect 39]

I dearly love my husband but...and I know this if "that time" of the month and I'm raging hormonal but...

I laid in bed last night crying quietly to myself next to my husband, just praying desperately for him to give me a cuddle. I ended up making myself so angry and frustrated that he wouldn't just reach over and put his arm around me, that I got out of bed for an hour. He never even bothered to see if I was ok...no response whatsoever. I went back to bed around 1am in the hope that I would go to sleep but ended up getting out of bed again around 1:30....again no response, and he wasn't asleep because he then got up to go to the bathroom. Of course then my mind starting working overtime and I ended up crying myself to sleep.

He spends thousands of dollars on clothes for himself, but has not bought me any since we got married just less than two years ago. When we went out at the weekend he was in his $1200 outfit and I was in my $50 outfit! Everything I ever buy myself he hates and has to be returned to the store.

Whenever I buy stuff for our house, he hates it and it has to be returned.

He bought his brother a $165 shirt, has given him $26000 in the time we've been married and told me at the weekend he is going to buy him an IPod and Bose speakers ($600) and a pair of leather boots ($750). Me...absolutely nothing...nada...zilch, ever!

He decided he wanted to upgrade his 2005 car this year so went to the dealer to see what was available. I believed he was going to sign up for something we couldn't afford so I said we needed to go and discuss it without the pressure of the sales guy. We did and I told him nicely but forcibly that we couldn't afford what he was planning to do. So we went back to the dealership and he signs up anyway for a car that is costing us $835 every month!

His son who is addicted to drugs and alcohol keeps asking us for money. I've already caught him out in several huge lies, one of which was that he had stage 4 stomach cancer. My husband doesn't seem to think that's a big deal and continues to send him money. He knows I don't approve and that we can barely pay our own bills.

Him and his ex were in debt to the tune of $70,000 when we got married and she skipped out of paying any of it. I have busted my gut since we got married, electing to pay an EXTRA $600 per month to my taxes so we get a lump sum refund which I then use to pay off the debt. Now we owe just about $15000. He has done nothing.......

Because I work hard I don't clean the house every day. Then it gets to the point where he huffs and puffs.A few weeks ago I was feeling irritated and snapped back that I couldn't help but wonder why it's only me who seems able to clean the house. He responded by asking if because of my attitude I didn't want to be a good wife but wanted to be his roommate?! Talk about guilt!

He has this thing about weight - a phobia. It is true that I have put on weight since I arrived - (was a small size 10 now ranging between 12-16) different climate, lifestyle etc. He believes it is purely mind over matter and I'm not trying hard enough and that I should get liposuction because my inability or unwillingness to do anything about it is causing him emotional harm. I understand where he is coming from but apart from anything else, we simply can't sfford it. Even when I was a size 8-10 he still wanted me to lose 15-20 pounds - so I kind of feel that the goalposts will always move and that whatever I do will never be enough. He once told me that if I continued to be overweight he would get to the point where he is "done with it" and would cut me off emotionally.

He makes a point of telling me I should see a Dermatologist about my skin - fair skinned, red hair so very sensitive, has some redness and get occasional spots during my hormonal time - which he hates.

I had to work overtime so I could get my hair colored to cover the greys he continually kept pointing out - the hairdresser laughed when I told her because there were so few of them, but the way he had been carrying on, you would think I had a complete head of grey hair.

He never tells me he loves me. I know he has some respect for what I do. He maybe once a month gives me a cuddle in bed. He maybe once every couple of weeks kisses me when we have sex. He never brings me home a nice surprise for myself.

If I cry - I'm "emotionally unstable". If I try to talk to him about how I feel, I'm "emotionaly unstable" and have a "Personal problem".

I know this is all skewed because of my raging hormones and I'm upset irrationally when normally I wouldn't be, but I feel so worthless, unimportant, meaningless in his eyes. I just feel so unloved and that I'm performing a function rather than veing valued and treasured for who I am. It just always feels like I'm the one making all the sacrifices. I knew I would never come first in his life because his brother (twin) always will. I don't even claim to understand a twin relationship, because I just have siblings. But I feel as though I take about sixth place in his life, after his brother, the dog, his son, his grandkids, his job etc.

Girls - do you have similar irrational responses when you're hormonal?

Anyone - am I being completely unreasonable in why I feel the way I do?

God I will be glad when I feel like me again...!

[Ban Hammer 13,429]

Anyone - am I being completely unreasonable in why I feel the way I do?

God I will be glad when I feel like me again...!

what i find completely unreasonable is it took you this long to realize all is not well. i spotted signs of trouble before the end of the first paragraph and was assured of such by the end of the second paragraph. there are serious issues listed above and from my viewpoint, you seem to be the only partner in the partnership.

best wishes

[incanada1234 0]

Sweetie, you are NOT in a healthy relationship! You deserve to be treated with a heck of a lot more respect. And your husband seems to have a very serious problem with money. Can you guys even afford to be spending as much as does?? And what is his excuse for spending on himself and other people but not you?

The worst thing is the weight - he should absolutely NOT be telling you to get liposuction for being a size 12-16. Seriously, you deserve much better than that. Maybe you two should get some counselling? If not, I don't even think I'd waste my time on that guy, he sounds like a complete jerk (sorry).

Edited August 2, 2006 by incanada1234

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

He spends thousands of dollars on clothes for himself

Congratulations, you're married to a narcissist.

[Traviesa 0]

that sounds terrible. And I don't blame you for being upset. And I don't think it has anything to do with hormones. Honestly, I don't know what to tell you because from what you've said, talking doesn't even work so just...I don't know...think about things and if you love him, figure out what you need to do for yourself to be happy in that situation because changing him's probably not going to work.

[irishgirl73 0]

I am am lunatic when I have pms

There is a lot going on here.........I think it is more than being hormonal. Women tend to overanalyze things(girls don't get mad at me-but we do), and get emotional, but this isn't just about hormones-it seems like your man needs a swift kick in the as*.

If Gavin told me to see a dermatologist or that I should lose a little weight................He would walk with a limp for the rest of his life Being serious-I think you need to speak to your man about this, there is A LOT going on here-so try sitting him down and talking to him about EVERYTHING that is bothering you. It does seem like that me be difficult but try.

I hope you find a solution

Edited August 2, 2006 by irishgirl73

[Kez/JWolf 6]

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

I am sorry that thing are not so good for you..... I dont think it has anything to do with you being hormonal other than at this time you are not as able to hide your true feelings from yourself.....

You need and deserve to be treated in a much better way.... if you do nothing about the way things are they will only get worse... I wish I had the answer to make everything ok for you but I don't....

I wish you well...

Kezzie

[Nizzy 1]

He has this thing about weight - a phobia. It is true that I have put on weight since I arrived - (was a small size 10 now ranging between 12-16) different climate, lifestyle etc. He believes it is purely mind over matter and I'm not trying hard enough and that I should get liposuction because my inability or unwillingness to do anything about it is causing him emotional harm. I understand where he is coming from but apart from anything else, we simply can't sfford it. Even when I was a size 8-10 he still wanted me to lose 15-20 pounds - so I kind of feel that the goalposts will always move and that whatever I do will never be enough. He once told me that if I continued to be overweight he would get to the point where he is "done with it" and would cut me off emotionally.

You understand where he is coming from when he says that you're weight is causing him emotional harm???? Sweety this part of the post really affected me and I had to say something. Losing weight is all about you and a decision for you to make...how in the hell is it causing him any harm? I think that he, as a person, is causing YOU emotional harm. Don't blame yourself for his problems.

[jamrok 0]

I dearly love my husband but...and I know this if "that time" of the month and I'm raging hormonal but...

I laid in bed last night crying quietly to myself next to my husband, just praying desperately for him to give me a cuddle. I ended up making myself so angry and frustrated that he wouldn't just reach over and put his arm around me, that I got out of bed for an hour. He never even bothered to see if I was ok...no response whatsoever. I went back to bed around 1am in the hope that I would go to sleep but ended up getting out of bed again around 1:30....again no response, and he wasn't asleep because he then got up to go to the bathroom. Of course then my mind starting working overtime and I ended up crying myself to sleep.

He spends thousands of dollars on clothes for himself, but has not bought me any since we got married just less than two years ago. When we went out at the weekend he was in his $1200 outfit and I was in my $50 outfit! Everything I ever buy myself he hates and has to be returned to the store.

Whenever I buy stuff for our house, he hates it and it has to be returned.

He bought his brother a $165 shirt, has given him $26000 in the time we've been married and told me at the weekend he is going to buy him an IPod and Bose speakers ($600) and a pair of leather boots ($750). Me...absolutely nothing...nada...zilch, ever!

\

I feel like crying. I was married to a woman for 25 yrs that made me fell exactly

how you are feeling. Your marriage is in DEEP trouble, it's not about the money..

it's about love. The only one doing the loving is u. Be proactive....the writing is on

the wall. Look to urself now for worth.....prepare for the worst. Feel so much

like crying. U r in my prayers....God Bless

He decided he wanted to upgrade his 2005 car this year so went to the dealer to see what was available. I believed he was going to sign up for something we couldn't afford so I said we needed to go and discuss it without the pressure of the sales guy. We did and I told him nicely but forcibly that we couldn't afford what he was planning to do. So we went back to the dealership and he signs up anyway for a car that is costing us $835 every month!

His son who is addicted to drugs and alcohol keeps asking us for money. I've already caught him out in several huge lies, one of which was that he had stage 4 stomach cancer. My husband doesn't seem to think that's a big deal and continues to send him money. He knows I don't approve and that we can barely pay our own bills.

Him and his ex were in debt to the tune of $70,000 when we got married and she skipped out of paying any of it. I have busted my gut since we got married, electing to pay an EXTRA $600 per month to my taxes so we get a lump sum refund which I then use to pay off the debt. Now we owe just about $15000. He has done nothing.......

Because I work hard I don't clean the house every day. Then it gets to the point where he huffs and puffs.A few weeks ago I was feeling irritated and snapped back that I couldn't help but wonder why it's only me who seems able to clean the house. He responded by asking if because of my attitude I didn't want to be a good wife but wanted to be his roommate?! Talk about guilt!

He has this thing about weight - a phobia. It is true that I have put on weight since I arrived - (was a small size 10 now ranging between 12-16) different climate, lifestyle etc. He believes it is purely mind over matter and I'm not trying hard enough and that I should get liposuction because my inability or unwillingness to do anything about it is causing him emotional harm. I understand where he is coming from but apart from anything else, we simply can't sfford it. Even when I was a size 8-10 he still wanted me to lose 15-20 pounds - so I kind of feel that the goalposts will always move and that whatever I do will never be enough. He once told me that if I continued to be overweight he would get to the point where he is "done with it" and would cut me off emotionally.

He makes a point of telling me I should see a Dermatologist about my skin - fair skinned, red hair so very sensitive, has some redness and get occasional spots during my hormonal time - which he hates.

I had to work overtime so I could get my hair colored to cover the greys he continually kept pointing out - the hairdresser laughed when I told her because there were so few of them, but the way he had been carrying on, you would think I had a complete head of grey hair.

He never tells me he loves me. I know he has some respect for what I do. He maybe once a month gives me a cuddle in bed. He maybe once every couple of weeks kisses me when we have sex. He never brings me home a nice surprise for myself.

If I cry - I'm "emotionally unstable". If I try to talk to him about how I feel, I'm "emotionaly unstable" and have a "Personal problem".

I know this is all skewed because of my raging hormones and I'm upset irrationally when normally I wouldn't be, but I feel so worthless, unimportant, meaningless in his eyes. I just feel so unloved and that I'm performing a function rather than veing valued and treasured for who I am. It just always feels like I'm the one making all the sacrifices. I knew I would never come first in his life because his brother (twin) always will. I don't even claim to understand a twin relationship, because I just have siblings. But I feel as though I take about sixth place in his life, after his brother, the dog, his son, his grandkids, his job etc.

Girls - do you have similar irrational responses when you're hormonal?

Anyone - am I being completely unreasonable in why I feel the way I do?

God I will be glad when I feel like me again...!

[Donal78 0]

I am very sorry to reading about how your husband treats you. He is treating you like a doormat and disrespecting you. If he doesnt have the cop on to realise how he is treating you then i think you should consider your options. Talk to him, have you told him that you are unhappy.

[Jenn! 918]

I think you need to speak to your man about this, there is A LOT going on here-so try sitting him down and talking to him about EVERYTHING that is bothering you. It does seem like that me be difficult but try.

I agree. You may try printing out your post and letting him read it as a starting point for the discussion. Be careful to not let him know that you posted that on the internet though, as it sounds like he may be the type to be angered by that.

I hope you guys can work it out.

[Lou Lou 1]

I always ask the Dr Phil question...

"Considering that at least one definition of love is that the security and well-being of your partner is as significant to you as your own security and well-being, then would you say that, based on results, he behaves in a way that reflects that he is in love with you?"

If your answer is no you need to get some help. He also needs some serious help. Do not allow this behaviour to continue for one more day, let alone months, years.

[JAYKE 0]

Perfect -

While you are saying this is just a one-time hormonal rant, I seem to recall an almost identical one about a year and a half ago from you, in which you also voiced some suspicions about your husband's fidelity - working through the night with no contact numbers for you to reach him, sitting on the doorstep, flirting with neighbors, phone numbers in pockets...

I think you know the score, and are perfectly justified in being upset.

The question is, just how long do you want to put up with it?

[Lou Lou 1]

And judging by some of your previous posts, I would have said the warning flags were always there. You should probably take your own very wise advice here...

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/index.ph...mp;#entry206199

Good luck

[Thingee 0]

This sounds astoundingly like my ex. Big time spending issues. Loads of debt brought to the marriage(all blamed on the exwife.)

Now then...I know before I even type this I'm going to get flamed by someone(if not several someones) for typing this, but have you thought about the possibility he's bi-polar? If all these things come and go in spurts it's worth checking into.