he yelled for 3 yrs, i hit, he punched me twice...

[gina_raluca 14]

I agree that no one has the right to hit another person without good reason. But to the person who said no one in their right mind would stay with a mean, nasty, abusive person you are dead wrong. Unless you have been the victim of domestic violence you have no idea of how they isolate you, demean you, and make you feel you cannot survive without them. They prey upon your weaknesses and fears until you believe you cannot survive without them. They will control all the money, all your friends, everything in your life. They will screw with your head until you don't know up from down.

I can completely understand why a woman would, apparently unprovoked, kill her abusive spouse. You feel trapped and even if you did manage to leave, which he has made you feel you can't survive away from him, there is always the fear of what he will do if you leave. Protective Orders? biggest joke I have ever heard of. Within 48 hours he was knocking on the door demanding I let him in the house, he staked out my work but because he was more than 200 feet away they didn't do anything, I took pictures of him following me, still did nothing, he came to the home and peeped in the windows to see what I was doing but because the police did not catch him doing it nothing happened (there were tire tracks in the drive and footprints by the bedroom window). We have been divorced more than 10 years and he still tries to control and intimidate me.

The saddest thing (now that I am resolved with my prior issues) is that the few times I have to deal with him ( during court or visitation exchanges) he still tries to intimidate me and manipulate me. He had the nerve to tell the Court I was harassing HIM by filing a contempt motion because missed 11 visits in six months.

So anyone who says it is the person's fault for allowing themselves to be abused doesn't know jack.

Belinda, I am really sorry that he is still harassing you. I hope that you were able to work through some of the emotional sequale of this experience... It's mind boggling when someone who has probably experienced something similar can judge another person for not being able to get out sooner. I work with abused women and it's infuriating to see all the bullies around them who judge them for various reasons, religious, cultural, economic, etc. People stay in abusive relationships because they do not know anything better, because they do not think they deserve anything more, because they have never experienced anything better, because the aggressor shatters the little confidence they have, because of economic reasons, because of children, and a host of other reasons.

[Cre8ed 1]

giving_up, I'm so glad to hear that you are going to counseling. You will be able to understand more about yourself and the current situation you are in.

Vanessa&Tony, what you did was re-victimize her and this is the problem with those who are trying to vicariously solve their issues. I am not going to write about the cycle of abuse (others have done it quite eloquently), but do you really think that if someone goes to a counselor to get help, they will be scrutinized like that? Well, you did that, so of course that's why you got this result. Giving_up does not need a cold shower now, she needs someone who can empathize with her and her situation and for her to know that she is not alone and that the situation at home is inadmissible.

I agree.

I also agree that everyone has a story to tell and that is the emotion in which they respond. OP is already in couselling, therefore not necessary to advise her to go.

This is not about whether it's worth a green card.......didn't you read the beginnig of the thread? There are alot of issues here, giving-up is also worried about being on the right side of the law with her child. It's no joke being charged with kidnapping!

I was told that 99% of abusers do not change their habits. I think it better to be safe, and then plan and get councelling through the situation. I pray you get through this as a survivor.

Edited May 3, 2010 by Cre8ed

[gina_raluca 14]

I agree.

I also agree that everyone has a story to tell and that is the emotion in which they respond. OP is already in couselling, therefore not necessary to advise her to go.

This is not about whether it's worth a green card.......didn't you read the beginnig of the thread? There are alot of issues here, giving-up is also worried about being on the right side of the law with her child. It's no joke being charged with kidnapping!

I was told that 99% of abusers do not change their habits. I think it better to be safe, and then plan and get councelling through the situation. I pray you get through this as a survivor.

I'm not sure if your post is directed at me .

We all have our life stories, but if we are not able to be objective and just empathize with someone else's story, then maybe we should not answer. I am sure giving_up knows that slapping someone is not a healthy response, but there is really no need to lecture her on this. Plus, the most important thing is for her to be safe. I know that giving_up is in counseling and I know that this will be an empowering experience for her. It will allow her and her baby to live healthier lives.

I am not sure about the exact percentage of "reformed" abusers, but I know, for certain, that this is a very small, negligible number.

giving_up, just know that you are not alone and that people on here are keeping you and your baby in their prayers.

[Fandango 1,440]

Pushing someone once does not make that person an abuser. Pushing/hitting/whatever. I'm not trying to go along a gender bias here, but obviously he has worn her down like water on a rock, and she snapped. Note: I didn't say it was right. Yes, it was wrong, and she's already admitted that and taken responsibility for it. She seems to be in a helpless situation, and my prayers are with her.

[Cre8ed 1]

I'm not sure if your post is directed at me .

We all have our life stories, but if we are not able to be objective and just empathize with someone else's story, then maybe we should not answer. I am sure giving_up knows that slapping someone is not a healthy response, but there is really no need to lecture her on this. Plus, the most important thing is for her to be safe. I know that giving_up is in counseling and I know that this will be an empowering experience for her. It will allow her and her baby to live healthier lives.

I am not sure about the exact percentage of "reformed" abusers, but I know, for certain, that this is a very small, negligible number.

giving_up, just know that you are not alone and that people on here are keeping you and your baby in their prayers.

Definately not aimed at you gina_raluca. Your post was selfless and completely helpful. Like you I emphathize and want to support the OP asking for help. I got the number from counselors at an abused womens shelter, when I was recently an inmate....I guess some one much like yourself. I agree with much of what you say, and hope and pray that some light will come to the end of this tunnel that giving_up is in.

Not sure if posters realize, but when someone is worn down and at the end of their road in life (Happy Bunny - so well written).....what you say can have some lasting effect. A forum of complete strangers much like this one gave me the courage, support and information I needed to scrape myself up and get out! It's not always important to be right, but please don't be negative just to be right, when someone obviously needs to know what positive can be done.

Edited May 4, 2010 by Cre8ed