he yelled for 3 yrs, i hit, he punched me twice...

[Created 6]

Please forgive my typo's!

I just read your profile. Please be wise as to what you tell him. He may not want you to leave until he's finished with you. Especially if you are taking your child that he is interested in. Don't be fooled into thinking things are getting better. As much as you may love him for those tiny spouts of kindness and normality tha he would display - He is a very damaged man. Do not believe his lies. As sure as night follows day, he will revert to the displays of violence that you know he's capable of.

[llxxll 5]

I hope someday that will be me.

I'll tell you a short story.

There was a girl once, she fell in love with this guy, he told her he loved her, she was sold.

He started off with some slapping on the butt, just enough for it to hurt just a little. She asked him to stop, he slapped her in her face. For the next year the girl was sexually, verbally and physically abused. She got pregnant at some point, he punched her belly till she got a miscarriage. She thought he would change his behaviour. He went to see someone but dropped out because he thought he was too good for it. He stopped hitting the girl for a few weeks then started again. This happened at least 6 times, he promised to stop, he broke it. It eventually ended with the girl halfdead raped in the hospital. The guy got arrested and put to jail (for the rape, abuse and drugsdealing)

Clue of this story? It begins with something small, and it never stops. Once a animal tasted blood it wants it always.... He got turned on off the hitting, the abuse, the cries for help.

Don't let yourself get into a situation like this. Get out before it gets worse, cause it will. Look for help, look for counseling yourself. It helped that girl, and it will help you.

And don't worry, the girl is now happily married, left with memories that her new American husband washes away with just a look in her eyes.

[wmhurd 0]

Please forgive my typo's!

I just read your profile. Please be wise as to what you tell him. He may not want you to leave until he's finished with you. Especially if you are taking your child that he is interested in. Don't be fooled into thinking things are getting better. As much as you may love him for those tiny spouts of kindness and normality tha he would display - He is a very damaged man. Do not believe his lies. As sure as night follows day, he will revert to the displays of violence that you know he's capable of.

[Jadenjewel 9]

NO ONE should ever be hit or abused. Here is a link where you can get support at anytime. Please call and talk this out!

all the best

http://www.supportnetwork.org/

http://www.ndvh.org/

[VanessaTony 3,567]

This isn't going to be a popular post but... you are a victim of domestic violence, yes. BUT you are also an abuser. YOU assaulted your husband.

You HIT your husband first. He should never have hit you the way he did, nor with the child in your arms. You need to seek counselling for your own faults and you should not think that you are completely blameless in this situation. You should NEVER have hit him. As a girl you aren't as strong as him so you think it's not as bad (most people do) but it IS. Just because he is bigger and stronger doesn't make it okay for you to have hit him.

He sounds, from your "stories" and your "version of events" to be not a nice guy at all. But no-one stays with someone that bad unless they have convinced themselves it's okay.. and your posts prove that you don't/didn't think it was okay so it appears it's not as bad as you claim. We are also working with YOUR version of events. He could have a completely different story like you do nothing all day, that you nag him all the time, that you spend all the money he works hard for etc etc. I'm not saying this IS the case and nor am I saying that he is "allowed" to treat you the way you purport he does because you're a nag... but it's obvious that there's something very wrong with your relationship although you stayed for THREE YEARS after this "abuse" apparently started.

I'm not saying this to be mean but I am very aware of women abusing men and people thinking it's not a big deal. Emotional abuse is still a form of abuse as well. YOU need to seek help for your anger issues and to deal with your abusive tendencies, as does your husband. This is a two way street. You both have issues to deal with.

[Cre8ed 1]

This isn't going to be a popular post but... you are a victim of domestic violence, yes. BUT you are also an abuser. YOU assaulted your husband. This has nothing to do with popularity, you are insensitive in writing as though you are an authority on domestic abuse.....I would lie trying to defend myself from an abusive spouse, rather than lie down and let him abuse me, like I deserved it

You HIT your husband first.

I'm not saying this to be mean but I am very aware of women abusing men and people thinking it's not a big deal. Emotional abuse is still a form of abuse as well. YOU need to seek help for your anger issues and to deal with your abusive tendencies, as does your husband. This is a two way street. You both have issues to deal with. Ever thought that she might be angry as a direct result of the abusive environment she's in???

The OP has posted for help in her abusive relationship, and in the light of this relationship, how best it is for her to proceed through the immigration process.

Vanessa&Tony.......there is no excuse for posting on the internet in ignorance......the OP does obviously has not given all the fact in a few sentences, and I don't believe it is right to assume we have them. Yes, we only have one side that is obvious for all the posts on VJ. You are seriously mistaken about what you think you know about domestic violence and abuse. Pushing someone does not label you an "abuser".

Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional or verbal; it is intimidation or manipulation of another person or an intrusion into another's psyche; the purpose is to control another person. It is generally a long term pattern of behavior although specific short term interactions can be labeled abusive. Recently the following categories have been included in definitions of abusive behavior: social, economic, intellectual and spiritual. With child abuse neglect is also an important component.

Because it is often learned at an early age, it can be passed from generation to generation like a family disease. This is called the intergenerational cycle of abuse.

Abuse tends to happen to people in a weaker position or to those who are willing to be accommodating. Thus a stronger brother will abuse a weaker brother; an agreeable and supportive wife may be abused by her uncompromising husband; a teacher may pick on a student who is having learning problems; a spoiled teenage boy may manipulate a parent in an abusive manner.

It takes the average woman 9 times of leaving and going back before she finally leaves an abusive spouse. Surely you are not adding insult to injury by suggesting that the OP's relationship must not be that bad, or she would have left already?? The OP explains why she is still there.

From what's been posted, the OP didn't lash out at thin air, she was abused in some way (Verbally, Emotionally......) and sought to defend herself, then she was abused physically.

The Immigration process recognizes that spouses are at a high risk of being abused, and waivers are provided to accommodate such situations.

Even though you might think that nobody knows that you are being abused, because the outward appearance to the world is that you are a perfectly happy couple, they know, because his erratic behavior is watched by neighbors; colleagues & friends. His family will know also, because he didn't become this person overnight. GET HELP, & TELL YOUR FAMILY YOU NEED THEIR SUPPORT.

[Jamie Lee 1]

First of all, giving_up, please know that I repeated that prayer for you as well. I work in a child specific emergency dept, and I have seen many children in situations of life long abuse. You and your baby need to get out and to a safe place. I know you don't feel that you are strong enough, but you have to be. I have seen mothers sit back and do nothing when their child starts to be abused, and later they are found at fault as well, even if they themselves are abused. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get to a safe place. I have seen so much of this in families, and it is very real, and very dangerous. I have seen children taken from both parents, one of them the abuser, the other the one who did nothing to stop it (which could be you one day). It is very well known that those that abuse, were abused themselves. Your husband is a person that needs INTENSE counceling, and he isn't willing to do that. I myself have been emotionally abused by a previous boyfriend, and I know how they can make you feel... like this is all your fault and you don't deserve happiness....you need to get past that stage, and look at your baby. Your baby is your number one priority, think of it that way, you can't let your children grow up in an abusive home. Get yourself a good lawyer, and I know there are safe havens for women of abused relationships. When I was in college for my degree, I had a rotation through one of these places, and the one thing I remember from that rotation, those women were beaten down and emotionally lost, but they got out. Please know that you and your baby need to be safe (if I haven't said that enough already).

Here is a website for you to check out

http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/spousal.html

Vanessa&Tony: This day in age, you should be well aware that people are severly abused in more ways than one. You have now added to this womans abuse. Think of a child that has been bullied for years, and finally stands up to their bully...they get up enough guts to stand up for themselves and fight back. Please don't make this into a 'it's all your own fault' instance. Say that to a woman that has been raped, do you contend that they asked for or deserver it? I suggest you read this website that I posted.

We all need to stand up to violence in the home, it is not acceptable, and people and children do die from it....I unfortunatly have seen that first hand and words can not describe the severity of this situation, and the turmoil that it creats.

giving_up: your are in my prayers.

[Cre8ed 1]

We all need to stand up to violence in the home, it is not acceptable, and people and children do die from it....I unfortunatly have seen that first hand and words can not describe the severity of this situation, and the turmoil that it creats.

giving_up: your are in my prayers.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Pushing someone does not label you an "abuser".

and that's when I hit him, he even had the chance to block me a bit, and the next thing I knew, my head was on the counter and he was punching me, on my face once, and once on my head. I don't know how I got to the bedroom and he pushed the door and told me I was lucky I had the baby in my arms because then I'd know who he really is. He kept telling me that I hit him and he never thought I'd do that.

You are jumping to an awful lot of conclusions about what I do and don't know about abuse but as this is a public forum that is your right.

I said, from HER story it appears she has been abused, BUT by her own admission SHE HIT HER HUSBAND, she didn't "push" him. She HIT him.

Whether she resulted to this physical abuse out of anger or not she STILL resorted to physical ASSAULT. Whether he CAUSED her to become so emotionally traumatised that she resorted to physical abuse is also a possibility and I never said it wasn't, I said SHE needs to seek help for HER issues because she DID hit him.

I never once said it was her fault, and no-one deserves to be abused (emotionally or otherwise), but her husband doesn't deserve to be assaulted either. I feel no need to discuss what I went through with you because you obviously know better than me, but as she resorted to violence she was not scared of him. If she were she NEVER would have hit him out of fear for her own safety and that of her child. Believe what you want, but I know what I know.

There are far too many things missing from this story to jump to the conclusions that he is the sole abuser. It is apparent that she too has issues (whatever the cause) and there is also a WHOLE lot missing from this story (like the other version of events). The FACT remains that SHE hit him before he hit her. She could have yelled and screamed at him. She could have walked out. She could have stood there in shock and cried. She could have ignored it. Instead her choice was to physically abuse him.

You are all giving her advice about her being the victim etc but not ONE person has suggested that she seek counseling for her own emotional issues and now (whether caused by her husband or not) her anger issues and her preference for physical assault over any other method.

----

To the OP. NO-ONE deserves to be hit. No-one deserves to be abused emotionally or otherwise. I know it's hard being in a foreign country and feeling alone. I know what it's like to hope the man that loves you will just "change" back to the person you thought he was when you first met. I know how hard it is to live everyday walking on eggshells, scared of what you will say to "cause" him to yell or scream... when really you aren't to blame you can't help but feel that way.

I ALSO know what it's like to feel yourself change inside. YOU need to seek counseling separate from your husband. You need to speak to someone about your self-esteem issues, your anger issues and I suspect perhaps a little depression and/or anxiety as well... I know I felt anxious waiting for the next blow up. You might feel like keeping your family together is the best option but think about your child and how happy you want him/her. Your child deserves the right to grow up happy and not scared of his/her father. To not grow up thinking being treated badly is okay.

It was not okay to hit your husband and I think you know that. Hopefully a counselor will help you find better ways to express yourself when he's in a "mood" (not that you should accept it but there are other ways).

Personally my abuser was undiagnosed rapic-cyclic bipolar (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder#Rapid_cycling) with a nice dose of BPD thrown in (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder). He has since been diagnosed and I hear is doing much better is his new relationship. Even knowing that he's "better" I could never be with him again, nor can I forgive him for the several years of torture. Sometimes the best thing to do for BOTH of you is to walk away, no matter how hard it is.

[Langa 2]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Let me tell you something, no Green Card is worth abuse. So please think about what you are going through and make the right decision.

[giving_up 3]

I went to counseling yesterday, it was the third session and the 2nd one my husband misses. The counselor told me again that he is an abuser and kept suggesting that I divorce him. This session was more about me, she says she sees me depressed and with low self esteem, and she said her plan was to send my husband to a psychiatrist to be evaluated for his mood swings. The counselor told me she wants me to keep going to our sessions because I need to feel better about myself and know how to deal with my situation.

I didn't know I was being abused, I only thought he was having bad days or that he had some kind of bipolar problem but I never saw myself as abused, though I knew it wasn't right to be treated like this. Of course we have had our great happy moments but it's like he can't stand being happy for too long, he finds a way to tell me something offensive and I say nothing, he gets mad and there we go again.

I don't think I have anger management issues, I had always remained calm whenever we had our fights, I yelled at him on two occasions to say "I'm tired of this!" but since late last year whenever he yelled at me or he turned his back on me or lied about things I would "see myself" hitting him. This same thing happened when we had this last problem, I "saw myself" hitting him like to stand up for myself and say "respect me!", but only, I was actually doing it, I even said "no more yelling" and that's when he punched me.

To Vanessa and Tony, I know it wasn't correct for me to hit him, but I didn't plan to, I always tried to avoid situations where I could actually hit him, but having his face in front of mine yelling using the F word saying things like his friends are before our daughter really set me off. It's true, this is my side of the story, but then how come even when I told this same story to the counselor in front of him, even though he added lies the counselor pointed at him, looked him in the eye and said "this is abuse"? I'm not trying to justify myself, I accept my fault and I even apologized to him that very same day for what I did wrong but I just couldn't take the yelling anymore. I know he's a victim too, I abused him when I hit him, he's abused me since I got here.

I will keep on going to counseling once a week while I try to figure out what I'm gonna do. Thank you guys for your replies, your prayers, links and the time you put into reading mine and everybody's replies. May God bless us all.

[gina_raluca 14]

giving_up, I'm so glad to hear that you are going to counseling. You will be able to understand more about yourself and the current situation you are in.

Vanessa&Tony, what you did was re-victimize her and this is the problem with those who are trying to vicariously solve their issues. I am not going to write about the cycle of abuse (others have done it quite eloquently), but do you really think that if someone goes to a counselor to get help, they will be scrutinized like that? Well, you did that, so of course that's why you got this result. Giving_up does not need a cold shower now, she needs someone who can empathize with her and her situation and for her to know that she is not alone and that the situation at home is inadmissible.

[gina_raluca 14]

Inadmissible - I meant "unacceptable."

Vanessa&Tony, You have no idea how one responds in a situation one appraises as dangerous. You are not the barometer for this. There are lots of studies on domestic abuse and if you really wanted to, you could learn more about the dynamics involved. No one has the right to crucify her given that, as you already wrote yourself, we do not know all the details. We only have her version and her message is a cry for help. Who are we to doubt the veracity of her story?

And if you were actually involved with someone with bipolar and borderline personality disorder, you should probably have more of an understanding of the situation and possibly more empathy. You should understand the unpredictability, the mood dysregulation, and the idealization-vilification cycle involved in these conditions.

[gina_raluca 14]

To Vanessa and Tony, I know it wasn't correct for me to hit him, but I didn't plan to, I always tried to avoid situations where I could actually hit him, but having his face in front of mine yelling using the F word saying things like his friends are before our daughter really set me off. It's true, this is my side of the story, but then how come even when I told this same story to the counselor in front of him, even though he added lies the counselor pointed at him, looked him in the eye and said "this is abuse"? I'm not trying to justify myself, I accept my fault and I even apologized to him that very same day for what I did wrong but I just couldn't take the yelling anymore. I know he's a victim too, I abused him when I hit him, he's abused me since I got here.

I will keep on going to counseling once a week while I try to figure out what I'm gonna do. Thank you guys for your replies, your prayers, links and the time you put into reading mine and everybody's replies. May God bless us all.

Giving_up, you don't need to justify or explain yourself here. You don't owe anyone on here the full story. It shows a lot of courage that you were able to break the silence and wrote on here about what you were enduring at home. Frequently, the person who is abused doesn't qualify it as much and there are lots of reasons for it. I do think that counseling will help you with dealing with the situation at home and with ensuring that the baby will not be affected irreparably by the abuse. Your therapist may suggest that you leave the house in order to be safe. Just know that only your baby has the right to judge your or demand any explanations. Those who pounce on you have their own unresolved issues they are trying to work out.

Edited May 2, 2010 by gina_raluca

[belinda63 3,047]

I agree that no one has the right to hit another person without good reason. But to the person who said no one in their right mind would stay with a mean, nasty, abusive person you are dead wrong. Unless you have been the victim of domestic violence you have no idea of how they isolate you, demean you, and make you feel you cannot survive without them. They prey upon your weaknesses and fears until you believe you cannot survive without them. They will control all the money, all your friends, everything in your life. They will screw with your head until you don't know up from down.

I can completely understand why a woman would, apparently unprovoked, kill her abusive spouse. You feel trapped and even if you did manage to leave, which he has made you feel you can't survive away from him, there is always the fear of what he will do if you leave. Protective Orders? biggest joke I have ever heard of. Within 48 hours he was knocking on the door demanding I let him in the house, he staked out my work but because he was more than 200 feet away they didn't do anything, I took pictures of him following me, still did nothing, he came to the home and peeped in the windows to see what I was doing but because the police did not catch him doing it nothing happened (there were tire tracks in the drive and footprints by the bedroom window). We have been divorced more than 10 years and he still tries to control and intimidate me.

The saddest thing (now that I am resolved with my prior issues) is that the few times I have to deal with him ( during court or visitation exchanges) he still tries to intimidate me and manipulate me. He had the nerve to tell the Court I was harassing HIM by filing a contempt motion because missed 11 visits in six months.

So anyone who says it is the person's fault for allowing themselves to be abused doesn't know jack.