Rudeness Factor

[evilmonkey 2]

How I'd tackle it:

Dear FIL,

There seems to be some confusion about our trip and some of the details that I'd like to clear up.

As a young employee at my company, I don't get long periods of paid time off, since there is no statutory holiday pay in the US. My boss has only been able to guarantee Wednesday 4th to Sunday 8th August inclusive, which means I will be working until x pm on Tuesday and most probably will be expected back at x am on Monday. I wish I could spend more time with you in the UK, but sadly this just isn't going to be feasible.

He suggested that I fly out late Tuesday night, which means arriving very early Wednesday morning or early Wednesday, arriving late the same evening, and since I have to work on Monday, I'll have to leave early Sunday in order to be back in time for work. Because of this, it would allow us to enjoy the day more if it were held on the Friday. We won't have to rush back to pack or worry about getting up at the crack of dawn on Sunday. However, I understand that this could mean a number of guests that would otherwise want to join us, couldn't, so Saturday is OK too. It was more a question of preference considering the time it takes us to travel. Those longhaul flights aren't much fun!

I hope this has cleared things up a little, and wondered if it might be easier to talk through the details on the phone? I could call at x if that works for you, or if not, let me know a couple of times that would better suit.

Hope everyone's well,

evilmonkey x

ETA: Oops Vanessa beat me to it! lol

You guys are AWESOME!!!!! LOL!!!!!

Both of the above replies put a big smile on my face LOL

I wish I could write all what have happened before(we are talking about things happening over a course of 4-5 years here) which induced such a confrontal email. But I will certainly give you some sneak peaks of it so you dont think I am a retard or "coping out"

1) Her parents did not liked her talking to me AFTER getting engaged. Before getting engaged, it was not a problem for them. And that drives me nuts and no I did not do anything meagerly rude or offensive. The reason that was given to me was "in our asian culture, the couple must not talk" I could have totally respected that but they continue to show double standards as its perfectly ok for their daughter to talk to other men just not me.

So i think personally this reason was/is BS

2) Her parents would like me to spend atleast 2 months in the UK.

3) Her parents want me to move to UK in their house

4) Her parents think I make too low off a salary (for them anything less then $100k) is low. I make more then what my FIL makes

5) I get BS about how we(me and my fiance) have destroyed their "priest" kind of image in their neighbourhood since we fell in love and had the guts to say we love each other and will marry each other. BTW my FIL also has a son, who does not work, gets into trouble, flirts with a lot of girls but to them that does not bring any shame at all

6) They love using religion and orthodox culture to their advantage. They do not maintain uniform standards.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

How I'd tackle it:

Dear FIL,

There seems to be some confusion about our trip and some of the details that I'd like to clear up.

As a young employee at my company, I don't get long periods of paid time off, since there is no statutory holiday pay in the US. My boss has only been able to guarantee Wednesday 4th to Sunday 8th August inclusive, which means I will be working until x pm on Tuesday and most probably will be expected back at x am on Monday. I wish I could spend more time with you in the UK, but sadly this just isn't going to be feasible.

He suggested that I fly out late Tuesday night, which means arriving very early Wednesday morning or early Wednesday, arriving late the same evening, and since I have to work on Monday, I'll have to leave early Sunday in order to be back in time for work. Because of this, it would allow us to enjoy the day more if it were held on the Friday. We won't have to rush back to pack or worry about getting up at the crack of dawn on Sunday. However, I understand that this could mean a number of guests that would otherwise want to join us, couldn't, so Saturday is OK too. It was more a question of preference considering the time it takes us to travel. Those longhaul flights aren't much fun!

I hope this has cleared things up a little, and wondered if it might be easier to talk through the details on the phone? I could call at x if that works for you, or if not, let me know a couple of times that would better suit.

Hope everyone's well,

evilmonkey x

ETA: Oops Vanessa beat me to it! lol

I'd still marry you SunDrop. But you don't habe to point out US flaws to the Brits.

Your letter sounds educated and respectful.

[Jenn! 918]

I wouldn't quote parts of your original email to show them how wrong they are. That's a big part of what's making you sound so rude, IMO. It comes off like, "how could you not understand this when I said it so clearly...you must be some kind of moron."

[Ali G. 37]

So you are Indian, wow that makes this response even worse. Nevertheless, I don't know what sort of an upbringing you come from but speaking down to an elder let alone the in laws is not exactly tolerated by any Indian I know. Then again my friends come from higher end families, like their dad being a minister.

Edited March 18, 2010 by Ali G.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

So you are Indian, wow that makes this response even worse. Nevertheless, I don't know what sort of an upbringing you come from but speaking down to an elder let alone the in laws is not exactly tolerated by any Indian I know. Then again my friends come from higher end families, like their dad being a minister.

Ironically (but not surprisingly), BY, your replies have been among the rudest in this thread...

[Ali G. 37]

Ironically (but not surprisingly), BY, your replies have been among the rudest in this thread...

I left nice four + years ago back in AUS.

[Leafgal 3]

I think a phone call is in order and then a follow up email, nice as it is your soon to be FIL.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

I left nice four + years ago back in AUS.

You mean that at one time, a polite, well-mannered BY graced the earth? The mind boggles!

[lovelyalex 99]

The redrafted emails (by members) are much better. Considering you are going to be related to this man (albeit inlawed) and will have to speak with them a lot more in the future, I think you should have just picked up the phone and spoke with him and cleared it up that way, much quicker!

As everyone has said, written emails can always sound a bit funny to the recipient, especially with the cultural differences and language phrasing and general usage. My dad always says about Americans: "Two countries separated by a common language"

I understand that this visa stuff and wedding planning is a nightmare, so why make things harder for yourself or draft stuff like this out when you could just nip it in the bud with a quick phone call or a chat on Skype?

[Y&E 12]

I think that you need to remember that you're talking to your potential father-in-law and not a customer service representative (and even then, would you be this rude?). You do not want to get on the wrong side of your fiancee's family from the outset. That's just paving the way for future trouble!

[Sc0tt28 26]

Hi everyone,

I have an interesting read for you all. An email to my to be father in law. Can you guys read it through just for the heck of it and answer the poll above.

"

Ok so basically I was informed yesterday that my entire email was taken out of context and all of you misunderstood what I said.

According to what I was told, here are the misunderstandings that you have

MISCONCEPTION #1: I will come just for a day

Clarification: Totally Not True. See below relevant information from my first email

"I had a conversation with my manager today and he said its hard to guarantee anything except Wednesday(08/04), Thursday(08/05), Friday (08/06), Saturday (08/07) and Sunday (08/08). "

If you count the number of days above, I am coming up with a count of 5 not 1.

"He said the safest thing to do for me would be to fly out on either Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning and arrive in UK earliest by Tuesday night or latest by Wednesday evening. This way I can have at least 5 days guaranteed at the very minimum"

The expectation from a young employee in US is very different from what you all might be used to in the UK; hence, the utter confusion. Even experienced employees do not get more then 2 weeks off.

I have limited availability and as a responsible employee I cannot spend months in UK after the wedding.

Please do not take the last statement out of context, this in no way undermines the importance of this event in my life otherwise I would not be burning favors with my managers.

MISCONCEPTION #2: I want the ceremony to be held on Friday

Clarification: Totally Not True. I said previously in my last email "I apologize sincerely but it seems like the safest thing to do is have the event scheduled on Friday."

That does not mean I am against holding the event on Saturday. If Friday pose such great problems for you, schedule it on Saturday.

If you do it on Saturday, you will definitely be looking after the interests of your guests but not mine. If and i mean only if(that does not imply in any way that I will definitely have to work on Monday) I am scheduled to work on Monday, I will be leaving by Sunday afternoon, hence putting me in a very tight schedule.

But in any case, I am open to having it on Saturday, I guess according to you guys it seems like the commute from downtown London to Luton is more of pain then a commute from London to US. Hence, your guest schedule takes preference over my schedule.

Next time if you have a misunderstanding, I HIGHLY SUGGEST contacting me first through phone or email before going haywire.

"

I don't think its rude but then I'm a jerk and so I probably would have worded it the same way. The things that make me a jerk include: not taking ####### from people who don't listen to what I said the first time. I think the argument that "the Brits shall frown upon the colonist's use of verbiage" is completely irrelevant. Just maybe the "Brits" need to get off their horse, level their head instead of keeping it stuck in the air, and join the rest of us here on planet Earth.

[Ali G. 37]

You mean that at one time, a polite, well-mannered BY graced the earth? The mind boggles!

When in Rome..