Did I lie??

[Kanbeebee 0]

Hello every one, I am sorry I have an unsual question and this may not even be the apropriate place to bring it but I am totally at a loss here.

I came to the US on a K1 visa three months ago and got married to my husband who is very loving and gentle except in matters of sex!!

I met my husband online and he visited me twice and the sex was just wonderful for both of us. At the time he visited which was for few weeks each time he would ask me to promise him I would not refuse him even sex after we got married as was so with some women(so he said) I would laughingly promise as I also enjoy sex pretty much with him.

My problem now is that we have been married now for over 3 months and my husband had constantly demanded sex almost every moment we are together!! sometimes we have sex until about 3. am and by 5:30 am he is wanting sex again!

when I say he wants sex all the time, I mean all the time!! he sulks like a child and behave worst if i succeed in refusing(only twice) I am now afraid to pick something from the floor around him because he quickly would grab my ####!he grabs me at every chance he gets if we are not at it He is now using a little force when i try to refuse him! When I can pull away from his somewhat forceful kisses to breath and tell him to be a gentleman he says he is a man and cant think or hear until he gets what he wants,then he uses force and i let him just so i can get an hour rest hopefully afterwards.. he also accuses me of not keeping my promise!! I love him very much.is now using little force which i totally resent I am now hating SEX as a whole yet I just got married!

The worst part for me is that my husband does not even pay attension to me when I try to tell him I dont wanna have sex but sleep!!! I have not had good night rest since i entered America. I wanna please my husband but this is crazy. I cant have sex 10 times a day for everyday! I now dread his return from work though I do love him.

[Otto 83]

**I'm not sure this is an Embassy-related topic. Moving thread to "Moving Here and Your New Life In America"

[Darnell 8,479]

There's a lot of different aspects to your situation. I can't touch on the all - not have the time.

But - there's other things that can be done to achieve his orgasm, without vaginal penetration. Perhaps you might want to do some other techniques, instead. I can understand if you are tired - but at some point, your body might get sore. If your ####### is sore, and he still wants vaginal penetration, he might not think of other ways for him to achieve his orgasm.

IME, for a partner to 'guide all' without the other partner's inputs, is sure sign for disaster.

Personally, I would think he is 'off', a bit, to not consider your wants, needs and desires. Sorry. At some point, there has to be a way that you can use, to successfully teach him that there is more to 'making love' than just vaginal penetration.

You have access to the internet - research 'tantric massage', for now. There are particular techniques to use for the male, that never require vaginal penetration.

Also - the best time to talk about sexual matters and issues, is WHEN you are NOT having sex. If you try to talk about sexual matters WHEN in coitus, that's gonna be difficult, if not impossible, to have a decent discussion - most of the blood supplying the brain has gone elsewhere.

Good Luck !

Edited March 10, 2010 by Darnell

[TracyTN 237]

! I love him very much.is now using little force which i totally resent

This disturbs me quite a bit. Not only should you resent it, you should see it as a red flag. Any man using force to get a woman to have sex with him - whether it's his wife or someone else - has issues. I'd suggest therapy for him but I'm not sure I'd want you to put yourself in danger with him by suggesting it.

I agree with Darnell's post as well.

[Kanbeebee 0]

There's a lot of different aspects to your situation. I can't touch on the all - not have the time.

But - there's other things that can be done to achieve his orgasm, without vaginal penetration. Perhaps you might want to do some other techniques, instead. I can understand if you are tired - but at some point, your body might get sore. If your ####### is sore, and he still wants vaginal penetration, he might not think of other ways for him to achieve his orgasm.

IME, for a partner to 'guide all' without the other partner's inputs, is sure sign for disaster.

Personally, I would think he is 'off', a bit, to not consider your wants, needs and desires. Sorry. At some point, there has to be a way that you can use, to successfully teach him that there is more to 'making love' than just vaginal penetration.

You have access to the internet - research 'tantric massage', for now. There are particular techniques to use for the male, that never require vaginal penetration.

Also - the best time to talk about sexual matters and issues, is WHEN you are NOT having sex. If you try to talk about sexual matters WHEN in coitus, that's gonna be difficult, if not impossible, to have a decent discussion - most of the blood supplying the brain has gone elsewhere.

Good Luck !

Thank u very much. But orgasm?? My husband has a certain something he claims he learnt from the orient. he says it a type of orgasm that is great but does not let the semen come out. This way he gets these great orgasms and yet does not loose semen and therefore is constantly willing and able! if he would have the regular orgasm,he would tire,but he does not(he even thinks its bad for his health)

[Darnell 8,479]

oh crud - if he's capable of coitus for more than 10 minutes at a time, then ya, he's learned some other technique.

There is knowledge base of 'tantric sex', which is totally different than 'tantric massage' - I'll have to assume he's learned how to 'stay tantric' when he's inside of you.

If he's not having an orgasm within 10 minutes of coitus, then he's either medically damaged OR he's learned male techniques for tantric sex.

IMO, though - to not take your needs into consideration, is form of abuse. But - I wouldn't suggest abuse at this point - I'd suggest instead, he's simply being stupid. Or even ignorant.

With all that said, my current suggestion is to 'shift a bit' for 'the pattern' - try for ONE session, 3 to 4 hours, each day, and thats IT.

Don't immediately shift to this, instead - mention to him that you really want to learn how to be tantric, as well - and that you NOT being tantric when HE is tantric - well - that's gonna hurt you, a bit, and hurt you a lot, in the long term.

I'd take it from the concept of him teaching you how to be tantric, first. Then, if you do indeed learn it, and then do indeed enjoy it, the two of you will know such a great shift of lovemaking, things MIGHT become 'normal' for you.

Again, don't talk to him when he's inside you, about this. Talk to him about it over dinner, or when outside the home.

Good Luck !

[Kanbeebee 0]

oh crud - if he's capable of coitus for more than 10 minutes at a time, then ya, he's learned some other technique.

There is knowledge base of 'tantric sex', which is totally different than 'tantric massage' - I'll have to assume he's learned how to 'stay tantric' when he's inside of you.

If he's not having an orgasm within 10 minutes of coitus, then he's either medically damaged OR he's learned male techniques for tantric sex.

IMO, though - to not take your needs into consideration, is form of abuse. But - I wouldn't suggest abuse at this point - I'd suggest instead, he's simply being stupid. Or even ignorant.

With all that said, my current suggestion is to 'shift a bit' for 'the pattern' - try for ONE session, 3 to 4 hours, each day, and thats IT.

Don't immediately shift to this, instead - mention to him that you really want to learn how to be tantric, as well - and that you NOT being tantric when HE is tantric - well - that's gonna hurt you, a bit, and hurt you a lot, in the long term.

I'd take it from the concept of him teaching you how to be tantric, first. Then, if you do indeed learn it, and then do indeed enjoy it, the two of you will know such a great shift of lovemaking, things MIGHT become 'normal' for you.

Again, don't talk to him when he's inside you, about this. Talk to him about it over dinner, or when outside the home.

Good Luck !

Thank you. I will try as you have suggested. I think this is a good thing for us.

[Gemmie 142]

If he's not having an orgasm within 10 minutes of coitus, then he's either medically damaged OR he's learned male techniques for tantric sex.

I'd just like to add this isn't always true.. my husband can go for a lot longer than 10 minutes and he isn't medically damaged and doesn't know any tantric methods. He just holds off.

To the OP, your post is quite disturbing. No one should EVER force you to have sex, whether you're married or not. The fact that he mentioned this before you got married is an alarm bell to me; does he have a sex addiction? Research that and talk to him about it.

[DainandVicky 4]

From a guy's point of view:

I can also go longer than ten minutes, I just stop if I'm close, resume after a few moments break. Not that unusual, especially for a guy past his mid-20s.

It's not proper or appropriate for him to use force, and could lead to other abusive actions occuring later in the relationship. There are certain times when a couple agrees on a fantasy... wake me when I'm sleeping or something, but if it's not agreed upon it's not right, and should not be allowed.

My advice is to be very firm in telling him you also want sex, you enjoy it, he's good at it blah blah blah to build his ego, but physically you just aren't able to keep up and if he continues to use force you will have to leave him. If he says he'll "send you back" tell him that's not true, victims of abuse are able to stay legally in the U.S., and he will have a record as a sex offender. Ask him if that's what he prefers. You are not powerless in this situation. Just be honest and tell him what you feel and what you need, and if he won't respect you, you're better off knowing it now.

Marriage is a partnership.

I have a high drive too, but if she's worn out, she's worn out. A girl's gotta sleep sometimes. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture...

[NVC FAN :( 18]

n0 matter if you promised him or not , if he is indeed forcing you to have sex against your will married or not HE IS BREAKING THE LAW!

sorry you love him. may want to ask yourself what exactly it is you love.

[SunDrop 59]

Why does it have to be penetrative? Do some reading and approach him, which he'd probably really like, about masturbation and #######. Have him show/ tell you what and how he enjoys it.

You're going to end up with a really painful UTI/ yeast infection if it carries on at that rate. And then it's gonna be absolutely no sex at all for days until it's cleared up. Only for it to come back again after a couple more days of over-activity.

[Rob and Jill 82]

He sounds like a sex addict to me. Someone who says "he can't think without getting what he wants" has some kind of serious sexual issues going on.

Before people continue to assume what "force" means to you, does he physically force himself on you, or is he mentally guilting you in to sex? Is he raping you or being clear in what he wants? Are you flat out saying "NO, I do not want to have sex!" when you don't? You said he forces you "a little" there is no little. He is either forcing you to have sex (rape which is a crime) or you are not saying NO.

Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming you for his actions. In my opinion he sees women as a sexual object. You are not there 100% to fufill his sexual desires. You are a human being who has basic necessities and those do include sleep. If this was a HEALTHY sexual relationship, I would say you shouldn't refuse sex to your husband (but that is another topic all together), however, I do not think from what you have written here that this relationship is healthy.

You need to flat out set boundaries with him. If you are willing to have sex once a day, then you need to tell him, I am more than happy to have sex ONE or TWO times a day for X amount of time and that's it. Tell him in the meantime if he wants to flirt, or show his appreciation of you physically, he can give YOU a massage, brush your hair for you, cuddle, but the "groping" is no longer going to work for you. You're not a stripper, you're his wife. He can flirt and still show you respect. If he refuses to give you respect. Leave.

[alex and astrid 38]

I am really sorry that your husband is like this....but what he is doing is a form of abuse. Using force you he can have sex with you is wrong. He may think that you are just 'playing along' in fighting him but that is not okay at all. I don't know where you are from, but I think even Planned Parenthood can help you with some form of counselling or referrals. I hope that this can be fixed....and if not, you need to leave him. No amount of love is worth having to put up with being someone's sex toy.

[zenaxe 22]

Hello every one, I am sorry I have an unsual question and this may not even be the apropriate place to bring it but I am totally at a loss here.

I came to the US on a K1 visa three months ago and got married to my husband who is very loving and gentle except in matters of sex!!

I met my husband online and he visited me twice and the sex was just wonderful for both of us. At the time he visited which was for few weeks each time he would ask me to promise him I would not refuse him even sex after we got married as was so with some women(so he said) I would laughingly promise as I also enjoy sex pretty much with him.

My problem now is that we have been married now for over 3 months and my husband had constantly demanded sex almost every moment we are together!! sometimes we have sex until about 3. am and by 5:30 am he is wanting sex again!

when I say he wants sex all the time, I mean all the time!! he sulks like a child and behave worst if i succeed in refusing(only twice) I am now afraid to pick something from the floor around him because he quickly would grab my ####!he grabs me at every chance he gets if we are not at it He is now using a little force when i try to refuse him! When I can pull away from his somewhat forceful kisses to breath and tell him to be a gentleman he says he is a man and cant think or hear until he gets what he wants,then he uses force and i let him just so i can get an hour rest hopefully afterwards.. he also accuses me of not keeping my promise!! I love him very much.is now using little force which i totally resent I am now hating SEX as a whole yet I just got married!

The worst part for me is that my husband does not even pay attension to me when I try to tell him I dont wanna have sex but sleep!!! I have not had good night rest since i entered America. I wanna please my husband but this is crazy. I cant have sex 10 times a day for everyday! I now dread his return from work though I do love him.

While the presenting issue is conflicting sexual needs and desire, the underlying concern clearly is his conduct when you are not in the same frame of mind and body. It's concerning that he's using some level of force physically and also concerning that he's using emotional manipulation such as pouting and sulking. There is also an apparent lack of boundaries and respect for your needs and feelings. And,as you are already alluding, resentment will encroach and possibly take hold leaving you feeling less than happy. This isn't a healthy pattern of communication and does little to foster feelings of love, respect and of being valued by your spouse.

I would consider suggest some professional intervention particularly in the area of addictions (sexual) because this becomes a mental health issue rather than necessarily a physical issue. His underlying need manifests physically but is generated mentally/emotionally.

You need to talk and if you can't do it together without emotional safety, then you may want to consider professional counseling. You're already feeling the burden of this issue and it'll likely get worse until the real issues are address in an honest and meaningful way.

Good luck.

[trillium13 84]

He sounds like a sex addict to me. Someone who says "he can't think without getting what he wants" has some kind of serious sexual issues going on.

Before people continue to assume what "force" means to you, does he physically force himself on you, or is he mentally guilting you in to sex? Is he raping you or being clear in what he wants? Are you flat out saying "NO, I do not want to have sex!" when you don't? You said he forces you "a little" there is no little. He is either forcing you to have sex (rape which is a crime) or you are not saying NO.

Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming you for his actions. In my opinion he sees women as a sexual object. You are not there 100% to fufill his sexual desires. You are a human being who has basic necessities and those do include sleep. If this was a HEALTHY sexual relationship, I would say you shouldn't refuse sex to your husband (but that is another topic all together), however, I do not think from what you have written here that this relationship is healthy.

You need to flat out set boundaries with him. If you are willing to have sex once a day, then you need to tell him, I am more than happy to have sex ONE or TWO times a day for X amount of time and that's it. Tell him in the meantime if he wants to flirt, or show his appreciation of you physically, he can give YOU a massage, brush your hair for you, cuddle, but the "groping" is no longer going to work for you. You're not a stripper, you're his wife. He can flirt and still show you respect. If he refuses to give you respect. Leave.

This is very well put.

If he loves you and wants an actual marriage partner, not just a sex toy, he will listen to you and respect your feelings. Period. If he doesn't want to listen or respect you, it's not a wife he's actually looking for, it's a #######.