Mother-in-law accuses me of identity theft and money theft

[Old Dominion 26]

OK, so if my understanding is correct:

Partner to MIL: "CRAZY SCHZIT CRAZY CraZY cRAzy CRaZY"

MIL to Son/Husband: "Crazy schzit CRAZY CraZY cRAzy CRaZY"

Husband to you "Crazy schzit CRAZY CraZY cRAzy CRaZY"

Seems to me that if you can break one of those lines, you won't have to hear about it any more, and you won't have to be upset by it anymore. Tell your husband that you're simply not interested in hearing about the crazy-ness from his mother's partner any longer. As you say they can't really do anything to you, so who cares what they think? Informing you of all of this does nothing but make drama in your life. It's not useful in any way. Especially as it doesn't bother him, there's no need for him to be confiding in you because he can't handle it.

Besides, what if partner says crazy ####### to MIL thinking he's just venting to his wife in a private conversation? This sort of stuff has gone through a couple of people before it gets to you, maybe some is lost in transmission (hoping for good in people).

BTW, I am totally on your side about what you've mentioned so far.

Exactly! The OP is being made a victim of someone else's game -- possibly MIL's jealous partner or maybe even a jealous MIL. Until he can get away from his mom, husband is doing no one any favor by being the messenger. You two need to have better things to talk about, and maybe set aside one hour each weekend (or less) to calmly share what's new on the game front. Until that happens, MIL and her partner are controlling your marriage.

You deserve better, job contact or not. Contracts have escape clauses. Encourage your husband to grow up and resign and tell his mother to butt out.

Edited March 10, 2010 by Old Dominion

[neoconsnightmare 0]

Just incase there is confusion, we have our own place and do not share accomodations with them. My husband works at the same place as his mom as she practically shoved the job in his face upon moving here. (Prior to me coming here) He is contracted to work every semester and cant simply up and leave. We will have to find a new job, a new state, a new home and we JUST got here last August.

To further clarify and to not cause any other confusion, I am not the least bit worried about the accusation holding water. I have a spanking clean slate and nothing to worry about. I am however worried about any lawyer fees, court fees or any trouble it can cause with immigration to clear up this mess if they do decide to escalate the drama to higher levels. We cant afford a messy litigation process. I have half a mind to sue her partner if this is all made up for fraudulent accusation of identity theft and defamation if the litigation process wasnt so drawn out, expensive and so not worth it. It is easier to just move and hope they leave us the hell alone.

i'd not worry...you said yourself that his father and sister know the 'partner' of your mom is a nutcase; your husband stands up to both mom and partner. and i can tell you that '$888,888.88' is bogus; likely there was NOT identity theft.

the partner is controlling, and figures that since it can control his mom, it can further consolidate it's control over her by alienating her family. (that thinly veiled jab at your husband while directly attacking you is classic).

you and your husband may need to go to therapy, in order to come to grips with that controlling personality. i'm petty, so for me, bottom line is 'dont let that nutcase win'. in therapy, you can explain everything in confidence to a disinterested third party. they can give you 'professional' advice on how to handle the situation, and still work with each other (you and your husband).

good luck, and move as soon as possible. your husband in my estimation is doing the right thing not dealing with his mom at this moment.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Stop being bigger. Be independent.

[JelloShotGirl 0]

My heart goes out to you, hon. Look, my advice is to stay away from the drama, move farther away, have hubby start applying for new job etc etc. The difference in America is that you don't need to kiss anyones AZZ. Both of you can be independent together u and ur husband It is wayyyy different in Asia, family interactions, etc. I am sort of going thru some stuff myself with my family and my hubby too and it totally SUCKS! Also if they complain about Asian food screw them...............don't invite them over to eat. You do not have to constantly put up with abuse from your "family".

Good luck,

Jelloshotgirl

[Sc0tt28 26]

I'm starting to feel bad for airing out our dirty laundry in public and divulging so much info about another couple but it also is a relief that I can finally get the whole story out and get unbiased advice.

Since people here took the time to reply, I felt it was discourteous to withhold information and answered as needed but the whole story is out now so I do want to stop feeling like a bad gossip.

It was hard only having my husband's advice which is biased because of his mother and my own mom's advice which is biased because I am her flesh and blood. I was torn between trying to protect his family and to find maintain my mental health. So its good to hear some helpful unbiased suggestions and advice from people here and also reaffirmations that this is not my fault since I have been on the defensive for a long time.

Thank you.

First of all, I wouldn't feel bad about airing dirty laundry, that's one of the beautiful things about the internet: anonymity.

Second, while Darnell's idea about filing a charge of defamation of character sounds good and would probably "feel" good too, I think it is too far down the story line "chain" to hold up. Partner told MIL told husband told you. Too many "tolds" equal hearsay, and judges don't tend to like hearsay very much (neither do cops filing a report for that matter). Partner likely fabricated the whole story anyway just to ruffle your feathers...which it did. If partner accuses you directly, I would jump on it though. The argument about not wanting to hurt your MIL is noble but I would take the opinion that hurting the partner does not harm the MIL unless they are married/common law.

One last thing - since they insist on using IRS mileage guidelines, it would be in their best interests to declare the income (assuming you gave them money for mileage) on their tax return lest they be audited (hint, hint). Or if they declared the mileage as a deduction and yet received compensation for it (money you gave), they've got another problem on their hands.

Taking action to protect yourself is not about revenge or spite. Its about setting boundaries and letting them know that you mean business and you aren't going to get trampled on and that if they try to walk over you anyway, that they will have to face the consequences of their actions.

I haven't spoken to my own parents in almost 3 years now. Why? Long story short is they don't like my wife. There is a lot more to it than that but it would take me half the night to type it all out. The point is, you gotta stand up for what's right and what they are doing to you is just plain wrong.

I commend you for handling this the way you have and I hope that your husband supports you 100% and not just 99.999%

[TheCockyLockies 2]

Farah,

It's hard enought to move to a new country and adjust to the new environment; and then be subjected to something like this. I'm feel bad for you.

Firstly, I think your husband needs to stop reporting to you what the mother & her partner are saying. This is just costing you alot of hurt and added stress. He needs to put his foot down. Secondly, start looking for another job and move as far away as possible (as what many have already sugested).

All the best to you.

[thongd4me 69]

...I haven't spoken to my own parents in almost 3 years now. Why? Long story short is they don't like my wife. There is a lot more to it than that but it would take me half the night to type it all out. The point is, you gotta stand up for what's right and what they are doing to you is just plain wrong.

I commend you for handling this the way you have and I hope that your husband supports you 100% and not just 99.999%

Observing the pic of you together, both of you are quite young, but both

of you have had to shoulder the fallout from a very grown-up dilemma.

Your husband is of an age that not so long ago, an "askance look"

from his mom might have elicited guilt, contrition or behavior change.

You appear to be more of a grown-up because you have managed to

deal with the MIL with a level head. Don't be afraid to ask for the

support you need. I also agree with the above poster who said

that HUBBY has to STOP being the messenger and nip every

insult and inappropriate remark in the bud directly, at the source.

By ending the "messenger" role, I don't mean he should not tell

you what happened, but tell you how he decisively dealt with

them and not leaving their demands in your lap, where they

don't belong.

Edited March 11, 2010 by thongd4me

[BellaChele68 4]

Farrah,

I just spent the morning reading through the entire post history and several things popped out at me. The least of which is the huge burden you're carrying right now with all the drama....I'm so sorry this has happened to you!

However, I get the feeling from your posts that you and your husband have an incredibly strong communication foundation and that you share everything with each other. The good, the bad, and the ugly! This is such a great blessing and I hope you continue to strengthen that foundation of trust and sharing without letting drama queen ruin it for you!

You seem wise and thoughtful and very kind, even to people who are trying to kick you when you're down.

I only saw one other post that mentioned counseling. I'm going to venture an opinion here that may not be very popular but hopefully it will be helpful to you:

IF there is any chance that you and your husband feel that his mother should maintain a relationship with you (in a healthy manner) and there is ANY hope in your hearts to keep her in your life (again in a healthy way)

and IF you have insurance or access to community funded resources....

PERHAPS it would be a good idea to have someone mediate a family session, including the drama queen, to air what is going on, get to the bottom of it all and try to help you heal. I know you've done everything in your power up to this point and I commend you on your forgiving and supportive approaches...but obviously this is going to take an expert to get Drama Mama's poop in a group and stop tormenting you.

Although I think your MIL is a major part of the problem because she's not defining healthy boundaries with her partner when it comes to her son, I bet she's as tormented as you are because she's being pulled in two different directions and it sounds like she wants both sides in her life. I'm not saying I think she's right or justified...just that she seems by appearances to be a very unhappy woman who doesn't know how to take a stand.

Good luck and stay strong!!!

[thongd4me 69]

Farrah,

I just spent the morning reading through the entire post history and several things popped out at me. The least of which is the huge burden you're carrying right now with all the drama....I'm so sorry this has happened to you!

However, I get the feeling from your posts that you and your husband have an incredibly strong communication foundation and that you share everything with each other. The good, the bad, and the ugly! This is such a great blessing and I hope you continue to strengthen that foundation of trust and sharing without letting drama queen ruin it for you!

You seem wise and thoughtful and very kind, even to people who are trying to kick you when you're down.

I only saw one other post that mentioned counseling. I'm going to venture an opinion here that may not be very popular but hopefully it will be helpful to you:

IF there is any chance that you and your husband feel that his mother should maintain a relationship with you (in a healthy manner) and there is ANY hope in your hearts to keep her in your life (again in a healthy way)

and IF you have insurance or access to community funded resources....

PERHAPS it would be a good idea to have someone mediate a family session, including the drama queen, to air what is going on, get to the bottom of it all and try to help you heal. I know you've done everything in your power up to this point and I commend you on your forgiving and supportive approaches...but obviously this is going to take an expert to get Drama Mama's poop in a group and stop tormenting you.

Although I think your MIL is a major part of the problem because she's not defining healthy boundaries with her partner when it comes to her son, I bet she's as tormented as you are because she's being pulled in two different directions and it sounds like she wants both sides in her life. I'm not saying I think she's right or justified...just that she seems by appearances to be a very unhappy woman who doesn't know how to take a stand.

Good luck and stay strong!!!

I think mediation is a great idea, but the only problem is that it requires the cooperation

of the parties. Case in point, I wanted to push for mediation with my divorce and BOTH

lawyers were against it (no suprise there) so my now ex didn't go for it.

It's unlikely that the partner will accept mediation and the MIL will follow her lead.

That would disempower her because people who think they are in the driver's seat

aren't likely to go for disempowerment.