Mother-in-law accuses me of identity theft and money theft

[thongd4me 69]

The good part is that it appears that you & hubby still have a good relationship.

I would think it is up to HIM to put some real mileage type distance between

the dysfunctional in-law couple and BOTH of you, not just between the "partner"

and yourself. It's your life, your marriage, your sanity and ultimately your health.

Go as far as you can and stay there. If mom wants to smoke the peace pipe,

hubby should let YOU set the ground rules and HE should stick by them as well.

They are manipulative and hateful. Hoping one or both can change is a waste of time,

unless you remove the opportunity they have to do damage.

My mom (83) worships the ground my Thai wife walks on. She is the opposite of

your mother-in-law. My mom gives ME lots of stress but she has gained a daugher

in my wife. I think I can live with that.

[Darnell 8,479]

I hate, abhor , to play legal games.

But I think, it's time to play one !!!

Specifically, file a 'defamation of character' lawsuit against the partner.

You don't have to 'go through with it' - just FILE.

He'll be given a chance to make solid evidence against you.

IMO, he is incapable of generating this evidence.

The failure point, IMO, is the IP addresses used. Since the bank has all of the IP addresses for access, these records will be subpeona'd by you and then made available to him. IMO, he can be levied a huge settlement amount (monies he has to pay you, for shooting off his mouth). But - I'm getting ahead of myself here.

The SMACK IN THE FACE effect of FILING such a suit, should really have him 'shut the #### up' about you.

Filing fees are minimal. An attorney of record is not required, to file.

You will incur much expense to 'prove up' your case, though, alas. Depositions cost money.

Nota.Bene.: I am not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV. I do, however, train lawyers on my own dime- I swim in litigious circles.

Edited March 10, 2010 by Darnell

[VanessaTony 3,567]

You know what strikes me the most.. this money that went missing.

Who's account was it? Was it just mother in laws? How did the partner find out? Did MIL find out first, or did her partner? If its just her account then why was he looking?

Has anyone check to see whether her partner has a hidden account?

Maybe MIL is hiding money from her partner and didn't want to tell him?

If the money really was stolen then what's happened? Typically banks help with fraud cases. Are there police reports? Is anything being done about it? If not I doubt that it actually occurred.

The gas thing is just bizarre! Paying for food is bizarre. Smelling of "asian food" I KIND OF understand because food does smell (not specifically asian) but I think it was more about the partner making MIL feel bad for eating without him. She probably came home with a smile on her face and he tried to put a negative association to the otherwise positive experience so she won't go again.

This dude sounds VERY manipulative. If I was MIL I would make sure he doesn't have access to money, i would make sure she has a Will too. Sounds like the partner would make sure her son gets nothing. Obviously money doesn't matter, Im talking maybe a family heirloom or something.

Make sure you write down EVERY confrontation. Time, date etc. If there's an email involved, print and save the email. If there's a text, have it forwarded to yourself and save it. Keep detailed info because i think if anything happens you have proof of harassment. Also, maybe one day you'd be able to sit down with MIL and say look at this this and this. Maybe she's ignoring it because she forgets things. She doesn't have, "this happened last month, this happened this month" etc. Perhaps you'll be able to find a pattern behind his behaviour.

Most of all, it's important to remember that this isn't YOUR fault. Her partner obviously has an issue and again, not your, or your husbands problem. Like everyone else has said when possible you need to move away, make it less obvious that you're avoiding them, and more about what's better for you and your husband (maybe a better paying job or something). Suddenly become a little more busy. Make things happen on YOUR terms. People like this partner get their power by diminishing other peoples power. He obviously has power over MIL but you need to make him well aware he has NO IMPACT on your lives. Don't get angry, start to think of it as funny. "Did you steal money?" no. If you don't believe me, please feel free to report it and have people look into it". The smell of food "I'm sorry that your clothes smelt of the food you quite happily ate and complimented. We'll make sure to not invite you over again if it was so insulting to the senses". About the child i think that perhaps either the partner or MIL feel embarrassed by the child. It's like, when you wear something new and aren't sure if it looks good and suddenly you feel people are starting at you. Typically if you feel bad or worried you think thy're thinking bad thoughts, when they could be thinking "wow, she's smoking hot".

It's always important to be calm and not blow it out of proportion. Everything you've mentioned is someone's opinion, and able to be proved or disproved. Just laugh that there are people in your life who's lives are filled with so much drama it spills into other peoples lives. Maybe they're bored but you have to admit, it's pretty pathetic really. I feel sorry for them.

[And_Sam 44]

Wow Farah~

I am really sorry that you are having such a hard time with your husband's family. I can just imagine the hardship that you are going through. Having past experiences with heartless in laws, I feel for ya.

As easy it is so say to move far far away, well that is it. It's easy said than done. I know your husband is trying to keep a relationship with his mom. That is good. I just can't believe his mom doesn't have a back bone to stand up to her partner bad mouthing her son and his wife.

The best thing to do is exactly what you are doing. Let your son socialize with his mom at work. Apparently even just inviting her to your home isn't good enough, somebody who would go as low as making a comment about how "asian" food smells or leave odors is and then for her to actually make a comment to your son about what he said, well some people have no couth.

Good luck and stay strong. One day you will beable to get away from this mess or perhaps his mom will actually stand up for her son!

[Leo&Farah 0]

You know what strikes me the most.. this money that went missing.

Who's account was it? Was it just mother in laws? How did the partner find out? Did MIL find out first, or did her partner? If its just her account then why was he looking?

Has anyone check to see whether her partner has a hidden account?

Maybe MIL is hiding money from her partner and didn't want to tell him?

If the money really was stolen then what's happened? Typically banks help with fraud cases. Are there police reports? Is anything being done about it? If not I doubt that it actually occurred.

My mom in law and her partner have a joint account I think. This again is second hand info i have heard from my husband who was told by his mother when she started accusing. According to what I heard, someone logged in, changed their email address, opened a new account and somehow withdrew -888,888.88 from the new account. Again, this could be wrong as I am hearing the specifics secondhand. I do not know if this actually happened. I doubt they have this much money as they were so calculative about every single penny of gas. I dont know how the bank even allows someone to withdraw that much or if it is even possible to overdraft that much if it was an overdraft. My initial suspicion was either one of the partner's enemies did this, or a random hacker to have fun hence the weird number or the partner made it up or the partner withdrew some money and is trying to blame it on me while hiding it from my mother in law. Anything is possible at this stage. We dont know if a police report was lodged as all contact we had with them was up till the accusation and we stopped talking. We dont know what they are up to at this stage. The partner could have lodged a police report, they could be investigating it, it could be fraud and just made up. I filed for AOS today as I dont put it past the pettyness of the partner to call border patrol or someone to try and get me into trouble just for the hell of it.

I just remembered my husband mentioning to me that they or partner had a previous bank account that was hacked but because some representative at the bank mentioned someone with a social security number could do this, they immediately latched onto me. I dont know the full details of all this neither did I press it as their money was none of my business.

And to clear things up, I was trying to protect my mom in law again by not mentioning that the partner is a woman. I dont know why I was doing this, just habit I suppose to be nice. My husband does not care so I do not see any reason why I should protect this information any longer.

[Leo&Farah 0]

I hate, abhor , to play legal games.

But I think, it's time to play one !!!

A friend of mine did bring this to my attention when I was at a loss for what to do, mentioning that if infact this is made up and fraudulent, fraudulently accusing someone of identity theft is a crime and can be sued for.

While the idea sound comforting that I can get some sort of relief if things turn ugly, realistically any legalities brought into this would destroy my husband's relationship with his mother and that is a line I am not ready to or do not want to cross. I do not want to have background resentment brewing in our relationship for causing a rift, even if I did not start it.

It is in within my right now though to react to her however which way I want now with my husbands support because she brought this upon herself without being forced to maintain pleasantries for my husband's sake. She crossed a line, I know where they stand now and what they can do and I know she thinks very little of my personal integrity or simply lacks the awareness of social decorum. She is not coming over for dinner anymore and I will not force a smile for her. I despise ugly situations but I really cant think for anyone but myself now. I am generally a people pleaser so I suppose manipulative people smell that a mile away and take advantage of it if they can. At this point, I think its time I just pleased myself.

PS: We will move as soon as we can.

Edited March 10, 2010 by Leo&Farah

[And_Sam 44]

My mom in law and her partner have a joint account I think. This again is second hand info i have heard from my husband who was told by his mother when she started accusing. According to what I heard, someone logged in, changed their email address, opened a new account and somehow withdrew -888,888.88 from the new account. Again, this could be wrong as I am hearing the specifics secondhand. I do not know if this actually happened. I doubt they have this much money as they were so calculative about every single penny of gas. I dont know how the bank even allows someone to withdraw that much or if it is even possible to overdraft that much if it was an overdraft. My initial suspicion was either one of the partner's enemies did this, or a random hacker to have fun hence the weird number or the partner made it up or the partner withdrew some money and is trying to blame it on me while hiding it from my mother in law. Anything is possible at this stage. We dont know if a police report was lodged as all contact we had with them was up till the accusation and we stopped talking. We dont know what they are up to at this stage. The partner could have lodged a police report, they could be investigating it, it could be fraud and just made up. I filed for AOS today as I dont put it past the pettyness of the partner to call border patrol or someone to try and get me into trouble just for the hell of it.

I just remembered my husband mentioning to me that they or partner had a previous bank account that was hacked but because some representative at the bank mentioned someone with a social security number could do this, they immediately latched onto me. I dont know the full details of all this neither did I press it as their money was none of my business.

And to clear things up, I was trying to protect my mom in law again by not mentioning that the partner is a woman. I dont know why I was doing this, just habit I suppose to be nice. My husband does not care so I do not see any reason why I should protect this information any longer.

Regardless of who the partner is, again, why put anyone ahead of your children. Now if your husband had done her wrong in the past and she is finally fed up and using a "toughlove" situation, it's understandable.

I made sure that my husband was aware that no matter what, my children will always be my children.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

And to clear things up, I was trying to protect my mom in law again by not mentioning that the partner is a woman. I dont know why I was doing this, just habit I suppose to be nice. My husband does not care so I do not see any reason why I should protect this information any longer.

Okay so if her partner is a woman, who's child is it? Did they adopt the child together? is it the partners child alone? The reason I ask is because it makes a lot more sense if the child is the partners, and how she feels like that by MIL being close to her son that she's diminishing their relationship and makes her child less important (not actually, just female thinking).

This actually does explain a lot. Women tend to be more "crazy" than guys. A bit more conspiracy theorist and easily jealous.

She's obviously trying to drive the son out or work towards a "me or him" ultimatum or where the son is seen less because it "hurts their relationship" too much. She's also being careful that it's not HER fault. She's making it about you because by directly insulting the son it's likely to drive MIL to get angry and defend her son but by making out the "new wife" (i.e. you) is the problem she's achieving the same goal. She knows you aren't going anywhere but perhaps by association this means MIL sees her son less and focuses more on her "new" family.

We have no idea what's going on in her relationship obviously so really I suppose it's not our place to assume but I think that has more to do with it than you do. Just continue to be the bigger person in the face of so much trouble as you have been by trying to maintain a relationship with MIL.. that takes some strength I tell ya

Edited March 10, 2010 by Vanessa&Tony

[Darnell 8,479]

A friend of mine did bring this to my attention when I was at a loss for what to do, mentioning that if infact this is made up and fraudulent, fraudulently accusing someone of identity theft is a crime and can be sued for.

While the idea sound comforting that I can get some sort of relief if things turn ugly, realistically any legalities brought into this would destroy my husband's relationship with his mother and that is a line I am not ready to or do not want to cross. I do not want to have background resentment brewing in our relationship for causing a rift, even if I did not start it.

Another 'game to play'.

Call Children Protective Services, tell them that you have witnessed a child living in squalor, give the address of the partner.

CPS will never divulge 'who filed the complaint' with them.

[thongd4me 69]

The only things that would satisfy the "partner" would be "gender reassignment"

surgery for your husband and surgery to make your beautiful Asian eyes rounder.

I'm only going to the extreme to point out that even that may not satisfy her.

Since you're not in the business of satisfying outrageous demands, it's good your

plans are to move. Better would be moving & a job change for your husband.

Your inability (individually and collectively with your husband) to deal with obvious

manipulation & mind control should not force you to put your life & happiness on hold.

The more you try to understand and deal with such behavior, the more you enable it.

Sometimes you can't deal with it, you just have to bail out.

When I put some distance between myself and my ex-wife, she still

continued to criticize me but at least started to treat me more civilly.

[Leo&Farah 0]

Okay so if her partner is a woman, who's child is it? Did they adopt the child together? is it the partners child alone? The reason I ask is because it makes a lot more sense if the child is the partners, and how she feels like that by MIL being close to her son that she's diminishing their relationship and makes her child less important (not actually, just female thinking).

You nailed it. The child is the partner's biological through artificial insemination. No blood relations whatsoever with my mother in law. What happened is they decided, well the partner decided that she wanted a child, child was born, 1 year later, my husband moves over.

####### started happening in small amounts before I came, got worse after I came around since as you said, she had an easy scapegoat now. New person to the mix is an easier thing to point at then a sudden change of behaviour in the partner which is blindsided by biasness from the mom. So I come into the mix and ###### hits the fan, all of a sudden I'm behind reason we refuse to pay IRS business gas rates on a matter of principle. The partner started demanding more incredible amounts of gas money as well. When we calculated our mileage vs their model car and year and make vs the current price of gas, our total came up to 20 some odd bucks a month. 30 if you counted IRS moving gas rates, less if it was charity gas rates. The partner wanted 70 bucks. For a one hour trip back and forth, the total in just gas would have cost 15 bucks or so. The partner wanted 70 bucks just for the trip. Thats a tank over and then some. These numbers are all based off memory when we were forced to calculate all this because they were demanding 100 over a month in gas when his work place was 1 mile away from where we live and thats really all we went to. I could be remembering the exact numbers wrong but we got charged a bomb for gas. Not family rates, business rates. When all the partner does is stay at home and get money off disability (perfectly able to work) and there is no 'business'. I used to argue that you cant have both, you either want to charge us business rates and we treat you like a taxi or you treat us like family and be reasonable. It was a no go, they wanted business rates and for us to also humor every single drama episode. Funny looks, leaning away, I had to watch my facial expressions. Very often the trend was to act normal, be nice and just when my husband and I think everything is fine and dandy, all of a sudden we get nailed with new drama the very next day. So exchanged smiles at Christmas and being lulled into thinking we were getting along was actually an illusion. Apparently the partner thought we treated their son like a dog and we found out the next morning. Couldn't have said it in front of us, had to go stab us in the back. This hot and cold treatment went on for 3 cycles before I said I didn't want to go through a 4th and we cut off contact with the partner. If the partner was around, we refused to be anywhere near her. We refused to talk about her and refused to have to do anything with her. Thats when the Asian reeking thing came in and now this accusation.

[thongd4me 69]

Another 'game to play'.

Call Children Protective Services, tell them that you have witnessed a child living in squalor, give the address of the partner.

CPS will never divulge 'who filed the complaint' with them.

Sounds like a feelgood solution and quick revenge to boot.

It may make you feel like saying "YESSS!" for a very short time,

but if it isn't true, CPS will have YOUR number as an unreliable

source and logical suspicion would point to you if the partner's

past behavior is prologue.

[Leo&Farah 0]

I'm starting to feel bad for airing out our dirty laundry in public and divulging so much info about another couple but it also is a relief that I can finally get the whole story out and get unbiased advice.

Since people here took the time to reply, I felt it was discourteous to withhold information and answered as needed but the whole story is out now so I do want to stop feeling like a bad gossip.

It was hard only having my husband's advice which is biased because of his mother and my own mom's advice which is biased because I am her flesh and blood. I was torn between trying to protect his family and to find maintain my mental health. So its good to hear some helpful unbiased suggestions and advice from people here and also reaffirmations that this is not my fault since I have been on the defensive for a long time.

Thank you.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I'm starting to feel bad for airing out our dirty laundry in public and divulging so much info about another couple but it also is a relief that I can finally get the whole story out and get unbiased advice.

Since people here took the time to reply, I felt it was discourteous to withhold information and answered as needed but the whole story is out now so I do want to stop feeling like a bad gossip.

It was hard only having my husband's advice which is biased because of his mother and my own mom's advice which is biased because I am her flesh and blood. I was torn between trying to protect his family and to find maintain my mental health. So its good to hear some helpful unbiased suggestions and advice from people here and also reaffirmations that this is not my fault since I have been on the defensive for a long time.

Thank you.

If you want the thread deleted you can PM a mod and ask that it be deleted. if this makes you feel a bit better. Hopefully just writing it down and reading that people agree, it's nuts, has helped a little.

Also, I'm a big advocate of speaking with a counsellor or someone else independent of everything. i don't know what it's like here but in Australia they're not too expensive (psychiatrists are though). It might help to go and speak to someone about how you're feeling. OR, I also like writing diary entries. it's very cathartic. I also read once writing down negative thoughts etc to get it out and then burning it helps (safely of course). I think you basically need someone to talk to who won't get tired of hearing it (I worry about this like with my ex-housemate. He was ALWAYS ticking me off). You won't have the guilt about complaining to your hubby about his family (I feel that way when I talk to my hubby) and you don't have your family at home concerned about you "so far away" (again another guilt of mine).

I can almost guarantee you'll start to feel better right after the first time you talk to someone. Even things you feel are petty like "I hate the way she dresses" or discussing how you feel about the family arrangement are things you should mention. It all starts to pile up and small things start to bug you. You are entitled to your feelings but talking to someone else who has no vested interest in it will help you see what really matters and also make sure you feel less guilt about hurting someone with your words.

[thongd4me 69]

...It was hard only having my husband's advice which is biased because of his mother and my own mom's advice which is biased because I am her flesh and blood. I was torn between trying to protect his family and to find maintain my mental health. So its good to hear some helpful unbiased suggestions and advice from people here and also reaffirmations that this is not my fault since I have been on the defensive for a long time.

Thank you.

Lashing out even in a defensive way won't change the opinions of the problem individuals,

but re-enforce their belief in your guilt which you don't believe in at all.

Your realization that changes have to be made is a good first step toward self-healing.

Let them deal with their problems without the convenience of you as a target.

You might take note of this book & support group:

Walking On Eggshells

I found it at the local public library.

Edited March 10, 2010 by thongd4me