managing Finances

[johnabis 0]

Hello All,

Need some help regarding the Filipino culture regarding Finances.

My Wife recently got a good job here at the same company I work for. She has been here for about a year and ahalf. Between me paying for the wedding, Winter clothes for her, and house stuff (i bought the house for us) we got into alot of credit card debt. Now that she has a Job making almost as much as me, we should be able to pay down our debts.

The Problem is my wife feels that the money she makes is her's and that she shouldn't have to budget her self. I told her that we should creat a budget so we can put most of our free money towards paying down the debt. I did tell her she can still spend some money to buy various wants but most of OUR money should be going to pay down the debts/bills.

This is really causing a huge fight amongst us. She doesn't seem to get the concept of her money and mine money is OUR money. she said something about the Man should pay for the provisions. I guess she means all the bills.

Please help and give me your advise and if this is really how it is in the Philippines. That the man pays for debts/bills and the woman if she works can use her money as she likes.

Thanks,

John

[Psoas10 17]

Well this is something that should have been discussed before. Also you could have asked her or asked her parents how they handle their money. I noticed that my wife learned about budgeting and saving from her mom and dad. My in-laws works on their farm and has a collective bank account and view of money. Also many Filipino families it is the woman that is who handles the money. The only thing you can do is try to explain we versus me. Also does she send money home too?

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

It doesn't really matter if that's how it is in the Philippines or even if that's how it is in the US. You two are a couple and your finances should be how the two of you decide they should be.

Too many couples never discuss money until after the fact. My wife & I talked about it a lot and she's always wanted to work so she could help he "shoulder the burden" as she says. Unfortunately with the needs of our little guys that just isn't reasonable right now so instead she'll go to school part-time and maybe by the end of the year be working.

Anyway, the point is that we discussed this BEFORE we even filed paperwork or got married.

[johnabis 0]

Well this is something that should have been discussed before. Also you could have asked her or asked her parents how they handle their money. I noticed that my wife learned about budgeting and saving from her mom and dad. My in-laws works on their farm and has a collective bank account and view of money. Also many Filipino families it is the woman that is who handles the money. The only thing you can do is try to explain we versus me. Also does she send money home too?

Thanks for your response. Actually I do let her handle the finances. What we were originally doing is using the money I make and the money on her part time job to pay the bills/debt and mortgage. but honestly we just been paying the minimums on our credit cards and seeking deeper and deeper into debt. Now that she got a full time job, our income increased by about 45% so we should definitely be able to pay down the debt as long as we stay strict. That is where the problem starts.

I told her its okay to send money to the Philippines every month. I was thinking 100 a month? but we haven't gotten to deep into it. She said her dad only worked and not her mom. She really feel's its her money and she can do what she want with. I advised we should make a plan to get out of debt and write everything down even though i said she can have Some spending money to what she pleases.... she disagree's...

[Calypso 464]

It doesn't really matter if that's how it is in the Philippines or even if that's how it is in the US. You two are a couple and your finances should be how the two of you decide they should be.

Too many couples never discuss money until after the fact. My wife & I talked about it a lot and she's always wanted to work so she could help he "shoulder the burden" as she says. Unfortunately with the needs of our little guys that just isn't reasonable right now so instead she'll go to school part-time and maybe by the end of the year be working.

Anyway, the point is that we discussed this BEFORE we even filed paperwork or got married.

Precisely.

I really wanted to work just like Anna. This is the first time that I don't have a job due to the AOS. However, I've read Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace Revisited." The book isn't really spectacular but it says that sometimes couples can cut cost when only one of them is working. That happens especially when the other one earns very little or you have kids.

To you Johnabis: You or she can't make excuses that it's cultural.

Although you learn better about each other during marriage, you should have discussed various facets of living together even when you were still engaged.

Most of the time, women expect that men pay for them. It starts when a man takes care of the bill in the restaurant, movies, and other dates during courtship, boyfriend-girlfriend phase, buy engagement and wedding rings, and payment for the wedding expenditure. It's actually something that we got from the dowry system ages ago.

Still, we can always break away from tradition. I have friends who settle for Dutch treat. I once did the same, too.

You might want to assign who pays what (phone bills hers, mortgage or rent yours) or split all bills. It's up to you both.

You can come here for advice but it always ends with you sitting with your wife vis-a-vis and agreeing on something that will be best for you both. When you have spoken your vows, the "I" and "mine" left off. It's already a "we" and "ours." You are no longer two but one. Remind her of your vows.

[charlie&pam 1]

john, I will throw my 2 cents in here ......You have to open the lines of communication better u know like all of us when they get tampo it is very hard to reverse but when u both are like that you will not open up to each other like a couple should.....u both have to sit down and talk about it no matter how hard it is ...u have to make her understand that u are a family and need to talk to make things work out ....I know it is hard but it has to be done!!!.....also I hope you are using a different account so she doesn't see this thread and it makes things worse .....once u get her to understand I know she will see where she is comming from and u can see where she is comming from and come to a very happy medium !!!...Good luck to you john !!!!

[johnabis 0]

To you Johnabis: You or she can't make excuses that it's cultural.

Although you learn better about each other during marriage, you should have discussed various facets of living together even when you were still engaged.

You can come here for advice but it always ends with you sitting with your wife vis-a-vis and agreeing on something that will be best for you both. When you have spoken your vows, the "I" and "mine" left off. It's already a "we" and "ours." You are no longer two but one. Remind her of your vows.

Thanks, see Everyone is right as we did not discuss this previously. I agree with you on the vows. We are now one. So figured our two checks are also as one and thats the reason I didn't feel there was a need to discuss it before hand. Every time I want to talk to her about it she says that I'm her slave to pay the bills. I tell her its not like that and I'm not the only who uses the house, electric, phone ect. and we both need to work to pay down the debt especially since we want to have kids. I know before we always said what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. so we kind of did talk about it in a way just not in detail.

The reason I was asking if its the Filipino culture is because she feels so strongly about this. and she tells me thats how it is over there.

[charlie&pam 1]

Thanks, see Everyone is right as we did not discuss this previously. I agree with you on the vows. We are now one. So figured our two checks are also as one and thats the reason I didn't feel there was a need to discuss it before hand. Every time I want to talk to her about it she says that I'm her slave to pay the bills. I tell her its not like that and I'm not the only who uses the house, electric, phone ect. and we both need to work to pay down the debt especially since we want to have kids. I know before we always said what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. so we kind of did talk about it in a way just not in detail.

The reason I was asking if its the Filipino culture is because she feels so strongly about this. and she tells me thats how it is over there.

each person has their own beliefs with their family ...but i honestly dont think that is how it is....my Pam knows we have to take care of us and our family first before we can splurge on other things that are personal ...there will be a time and place for that but try to have her understand that once the bills are paid u can go out and travel and enjoy things more so you can enjoy life better together

[Calypso 464]

Thanks, see Everyone is right as we did not discuss this previously. I agree with you on the vows. We are now one. So figured our two checks are also as one and thats the reason I didn't feel there was a need to discuss it before hand. Every time I want to talk to her about it she says that I'm her slave to pay the bills. I tell her its not like that and I'm not the only who uses the house, electric, phone ect. and we both need to work to pay down the debt especially since we want to have kids. I know before we always said what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. so we kind of did talk about it in a way just not in detail.

The reason I was asking if its the Filipino culture is because she feels so strongly about this. and she tells me thats how it is over there.

She's either making excuses or generalizing household and marital arrangements in the Philippines.

You might want to reflect, too, what's the best way to have an agreement with her. Talk to her properly. If she doesn't want to contribute in paying the credit cards, you could tell her that you wouldn't use it anymore to buy her personal items... or just assign her another set of bills. Present options and make her choose.

It's fine that she wants to help her parents in the Philippines but when a person gets married, his or her primary loyalty rests upon his or her wife or husband (plus children, if any) already, not on his or her parents.

You fix this both.

[sjr09 155]

“ we got into alot of credit card debt.” Borrower is truly slave to the lender.

[loveaboo 0]

I agree to above posts. Money matters should have been discussed before getting married.

In the Philippines, the man takes care of all the expenses IF the woman is a stay at home. I think it's the same thing here. That's just sensible since how would you expect the woman to help with the expenses if she doesn't even have a source of income?!? If both are working, they share responsibilities unless the husband is earning so much that he doesn't need his wife's income at all.

With my husband and I, all his is mine and all mine is mine. LOL...Just kidding!!! Seriously though, we've decided that whatever happens, the priorities will always be saving for the rainy days and paying the bills including debts. I don't have a job yet so right now, he's the one in charge of everything. But once I start working, the agreement was for him to take care of all the bills and for me to take care of the savings.

Your married to each other already. You're partners now. Partners share responsibilities with each other. Your goals and priorities should align with each other and you should be helping each other to achieve those.

Finances is not everything in a relationship but it can be a major strain. I don't know if this is the same in all states but what I know is that when you're married, your debt is also her debt and vice versa. You should both work on paying it as soon as you can. Maybe you should explain to her the advantage of being able to pay all debts immediately like there will be less interest charge, thus the amount of interest you'll have to pay could go to savings instead. This thought works for me and my husband. Who wants to pay so much interest when the money could go somewhere else more important?!? Do the Math to her.

Another option which I don't recommend so much because she might take offense: explain to her that helping you with the bills is still cheaper than her renting her own place, paying her own bills and buying her own food. There's no such thing as free lunch.

Lastly, you two can go to a financial counseling if there's such a thing.

Anyways, goodluck!!!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

She's either making excuses or generalizing household and marital arrangements in the Philippines.

You might want to reflect, too, what's the best way to have an agreement with her. Talk to her properly. If she doesn't want to contribute in paying the credit cards, you could tell her that you wouldn't use it anymore to buy her personal items... or just assign her another set of bills. Present options and make her choose.

It's fine that she wants to help her parents in the Philippines but when a person gets married, his or her primary loyalty rests upon his or her wife or husband (plus children, if any) already, not on his or her parents.

You fix this both.

[johnabis 0]

thanks everyone for your responses. I will try to talk to her again about it tonight

[John&Juvy 36]

Does she have any Idea how much you paying every month from all different kind of bills ??? Maybe you should let her sit down next to you while you paying the Mortage, Insurances, Cable, Gas and other more Utilities plus your every other month groceries ??? She need to wake up... The 1st time I saw my husband paying all of our bills I realized how life works in America.. Tell her this is not Philippines. Wait.... We paid here for everything. EVERYTHING.

100$ or 200$ is very good enough money to help her family in Philippines..... Unless she's trying to build some mansion somewhere there that you wouldn't know off. Good Luck to her.... Hope she's smart enough to understand the life here.

I forgot.. Plus the Credit Cards... Damn lots of money coming out... lol

[John&Juvy 36]

P.S.

Had even more lots of shopping when I was in the Philippines before... Now I only shop 4 times a year LOL. Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter LOL. Husband loving it.