Failed marriage, can't get her to agree to divorce

[thongd4me 69]

Good advice about getting a divorce right away.

Rule #1 - you don't have to give her a "head's up" - just see a lawyer and get the papers filed

after closing down every access that she has to your finances.

Rule #2 - Remember in the "discovery" process she has to list all her assets and if they are

in bank accounts that you do not control, they are harder for her to hide than they would be

in another country.

Any time a partner uses the withholding of sex/affection as a weapon in an argument, the situation

is already bad and likely to get worse.

As per Kevin Bacon's recipe for a good marriage: "Keep the sex dirty and the fighting clean."

[Myopia 93]

Wow! I don't think that theres much that I can say that hasnt been said already but I do feel that the OP has some self esteem issues. Not trying to sound mean or anything but how can you talk in such a low way about the woman you chose to marry on one hand and then claim to love and care for her on the other. It just doesnt make sense to me how you reconcile the two.

You married her. You chose to bring her over here. How much did you actually know about her before she came? You say you have to be separated for a year before you can actually get a divorce. That sucks for you but maybe its a good thing. She may have a change of heart because its fairly evident to me if she did change her ways you would more than likely be open to a dialogue.

I dont think shes a dingbat either.I dont think she wants your money. She has her own clearly. It does sound like this was anything but a love marriage from her end.

I kinda feel sorry for you. I actually laughed at your intial post because it seemed just so absurd but I guess stranger things have happened. I wish you the best in the road ahead. Something tells me its going to be a rocky one.

As per Kevin Bacon's recipe for a good marriage: "Keep the sex dirty and the fighting clean."

Aint that the truth!

[thongd4me 69]

Wow! I don't think that theres much that I can say that hasnt been said already but I do feel that the OP has some self esteem issues. Not trying to sound mean or anything but how can you talk in such a low way about the woman you chose to marry on one hand and then claim to love and care for her on the other. It just doesnt make sense to me how you reconcile the two.

You married her. You chose to bring her over here. How much did you actually know about her before she came? You say you have to be separated for a year before you can actually get a divorce. That sucks for you but maybe its a good thing. She may have a change of heart because its fairly evident to me if she did change her ways you would more than likely be open to a dialogue.

I dont think shes a dingbat either.I dont think she wants your money. She has her own clearly. It does sound like this was anything but a love marriage from her end.

I kinda feel sorry for you. I actually laughed at your intial post because it seemed just so absurd but I guess stranger things have happened. I wish you the best in the road ahead. Something tells me its going to be a rocky one.

Aint that the truth!

I don't mean to make this sound like she is totally evil. She is dishonest at times. A 'no go' for me, or at least has a different interpretation of honesty.

I'm not perfect. I'm fat, and broke, but I'm working 7 days a week to try to keep us afloat.

I agree about the self-esteem issue, which may be as daunting as the divorce process.

"A different interpretation of honesty" is ENABLING, pure and simple.

She senses that and knows how to use it against you.

You will get all kinds of advice from friends, family and VJ, but the strength to overcome her abuse and your demons has to come from within.

I was in a very dark place during my first marriage. I had some good advice (from a therapist) and timely help (from an accountant who became

my best friend), but I and I alone had to make the decisions that resulted in putting the marriage behind me and finding someone who truly cared.

[Brad and Vika 129]

I agree about the self-esteem issue, which may be as daunting as the divorce process.

"A different interpretation of honesty" is ENABLING, pure and simple.

She senses that and knows how to use it against you.

You will get all kinds of advice from friends, family and VJ, but the strength to overcome her abuse and your demons has to come from within.

I was in a very dark place during my first marriage. I had some good advice (from a therapist) and timely help (from an accountant who became

my best friend), but I and I alone had to make the decisions that resulted in putting the marriage behind me and finding someone who truly cared.

True. You reach a point where you must do something. In front of you are several of what seem like terrible choices, and you have to pick one - then move on. The OP seems like there is too much emotional inertia pehaps to have reached that point.

[clueless55 18]

No, if I had low esteem I'd be jumping on the 'bash the poster' bandwagon since I can't bother to read the thread and/or try to understand what he wrote.

I dont' see ####### 'self-esteem' has to do with anything. If the way she is behaving is because she has more 'self esteem' than I do, then I don't really want it.

My mistake was marrying this lady despite some red flags and not spending as much time with her in person as I'd like. That's my fault. I doubt I'm the only person on this site who has done that, or is doing that.

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow morning.

Oh yeah, I have no money. She has a modest amount of money in the bank her father gave her, modest by US standards. 2-3 years of income where she is from. This money appeared to come into her posession, or at least a US bank account, after we were married.

I don't want it.

[clueless55 18]

OK, talked to a local lawyer this morning. I understand the process. I'll legally separate when I'm back home again, and run as the ####### hits the fan.

[ScratchIt 12]

OK, talked to a local lawyer this morning. I understand the process. I'll legally separate when I'm back home again, and run as the ####### hits the fan.

Good luck, be strong.

[Brad and Vika 129]

OK, talked to a local lawyer this morning. I understand the process. I'll legally separate when I'm back home again, and run as the ####### hits the fan.

Well done. Keep your head up. Things will get better down the road for you.

[Zai & Gary 6]

You do not deserve to be treated in such a manner. You should get rid of her before things get any worse, if possible to get worse than they already are. I believe that she may have just used you to get a visa to the US and now wants a life of her own without you. In any case, You do not appear to have love between you and certainly do not have trust. What else is there in a marriage without love and trust? And if she is on a dating website now, then she is already looking for someone to replace you. Do not wait until she breaks your heart again and again. You are worthy of a good kind loving woman and will find one in time. You have no real relationship with her so divorce her and find yourself a woman who will treat you right and love you endlessly and unconditionally.

[Darnell 8,479]

OK, talked to a local lawyer this morning. I understand the process. I'll legally separate when I'm back home again, and run as the ####### hits the fan.

Hey bud - any news ?

[clueless55 18]

Yes, many updates....and one major correction. She IS an vile, evil woman, who has a 'sweet, dumbass' persona she uses readily.

Just a hint, guys. A keylogger, installed legally, can can clear up some doubts and suspicions you may have.

It only took a few days to get more information than I need. Please note, this is a computer I bought,own, and use, and is in my house. It's legal for me to do this.

What did two days use of a keylogger let me discover?

SHE LIES ABOUT EVERYTHING. IF HER LIPS ARE MOVING, she's not telling the truth.

I think I only have maybe 5% of what she has been up to in a year and a half.

She's slept with at least 3 guys, at least one is married.

She has a local BF who visits a couple times a month when I am out of town to screw the evil ######.

As soon as I walk out of the door to go to work, the message goes out 'my husband is gone....'

(I'm usually gone for two to three weeks for work...)

I may have enough to prove adultery, which means divorce can happen NOW, instead of waiting a year.

I need to talk to the lawyer next week.

She is still telling me I owe her money for her 'being my wife' for this period, and giving up her life in China.

[justashooter 430]

my friend, she owes you money for getting her out of that $hithole. what she "gave up" is nothing compared to what she has now.

get yourself clear of this monster as soon as possible, and at as little cost as possible.

if she has an e-mail account that she uses to communicate with her family, get the e-mail addresses of her family, and start photographing in jpeg the messages to lovers that you are finding on her e-mail account. send them to her family in china when you are divorcing, with translation from the altavista babelfish website. timing on this is important, as you will lose the resource once you use it (enigma machine). babelfish can also help you translate her messages in chinese and determine how many chinese lovers she has, and will let you know if she is planning to stay around just long enuf to get citizenship so that she can import a "real husband".

[besaangel 18]

Yes, many updates....and one major correction. She IS an vile, evil woman, who has a 'sweet, dumbass' persona she uses readily.

Just a hint, guys. A keylogger, installed legally, can can clear up some doubts and suspicions you may have.

It only took a few days to get more information than I need. Please note, this is a computer I bought,own, and use, and is in my house. It's legal for me to do this.

What did two days use of a keylogger let me discover?

SHE LIES ABOUT EVERYTHING. IF HER LIPS ARE MOVING, she's not telling the truth.

I think I only have maybe 5% of what she has been up to in a year and a half.

She's slept with at least 3 guys, at least one is married.

She has a local BF who visits a couple times a month when I am out of town to screw the evil ######.

As soon as I walk out of the door to go to work, the message goes out 'my husband is gone....'

(I'm usually gone for two to three weeks for work...)

I may have enough to prove adultery, which means divorce can happen NOW, instead of waiting a year.

I need to talk to the lawyer next week.

She is still telling me I owe her money for her 'being my wife' for this period, and giving up her life in China.

WOW, Im shocked to read what you found out, but I'm glad you get to see her for who she really is. I cant believe she is that selfish to have to have you work your @ss off for her to smash any guy she want; and you aint gettin any. Hubby proly would have told u she was cheating (its hard to believe she wasn't with kicking u out the room and not pleasin her husband). I could be wrong but thats what my common sense would say; very few ppl could remain celibate that long

Please take it easy and do what you have to do to make your life easier. Glad ya dont have to put up with her for another year. Take this opportunity and run with it.

[rlogan 2,036]

Just a hint, guys. A keylogger, installed legally, can can clear up some doubts and suspicions you may have.

Clueless55 -

You're an inspiration. I read this thread and watched you pick yourself up, regroup, enlist the help of a professional, execute a battle plan, and now by God you are going to mow that bit@# down and leave body parts and blood spatter (figuratively) in a wake a mile wide.

I wonder if there is going to be any DNA left.

Sometimes men who have been treated this badly, once they have the monster in a bear trap like this, fall for the crying, pleading, begging, etc. - she is going to try that and everything else on the opposite end of the spectrum too - it will be pitiful because people like this are actually cowards.

They were so cool and collected while in control of everything with the lies, cheating, and bullying. You'll be surprised what a pitiful creature she becomes.

Steel yourself to it. As a matter of psychology you have to calmly but with resolve lay down a choice for them and make them see that their own best interest is to cooperate or be chewed up by the meat grinder. You don't have to say it threateningly. It is awful beyond description for her just to have the white heat of sunshine on her actions.

If you know anyone that can write Chinese, a little mock-up of a newspaper article for her home town in China would be a nice touch. A couple photos from a micro camera planted in her bedroom. A couple juicy emails or chat logs to her boyfriend alongside one to you.

You're going to need to clear the room of sharp objects, guns, rope, etc. before you lay that down in front of her.

Edited July 14, 2010 by rlogan

[Kathryn41 3,205]

post violating TOS has been removed