Failed marriage, can't get her to agree to divorce

[Wei&Shu(Joe) 2]

I'll try to summarise our status.

My Chinese wife arrived in the US on a K1 in July 2009, we married two months later.

Our marriage hasn't gone well. She is very stubborn, and hasn't adjusted well. I'm not abusive, but I lose patience.

She is openly rude and disrespectful to me. She values the opinions of her chinese friends over mine, even with situations specific to our life.

'Why you pay this? My friend say you no need to pay this!!' (this about CAR insurance)

I'm often told I'm stupid, and don't know anything about life in America. (On the phone with chinese friends again)

I'm a middleaged man, college graduate, and other than a few years in the military, have lived here all my life.

Her language skills have not improved much, I thought she spoke OK english when we met. She makes no effort to READ english. She's in danger of being thrown out of the ESL classes she has been attending for over a year due to not observing the classroom rules and lack of basic courtesy.

I was totally honest with her about my finances, and life, in general when we met, and tried to assure she understood I had some debts to pay off. I mentioned this during out courtship, verbally.....in emails, etc. REPEATEDLY.

About the time she arrived in the US, the economy took a dump.....( can I blame her?) My work slowed, and eventually I was laid off my job.

We were arguing a bit before then. When I was laid off, she instructed me to move into the spare bedroom. ( I do snore) This was last june, and we have not slept together since then. I was without work for about a month and a half, which gave me more time at home.

I discovered she was chatting with men on Yahoo, and talking to them on her cell phone. Some as close as a few miles away, others a few hundred miles away.

Occasionally she would get rides home from shopping from somebody who dropped her off out of sight of our house.

I've got the cell phone records, and called several of the men who told me she claimed she was single.

Financially, we were struggling at this time.

I mentioned divorce. She claims she doesn't like me. She told me it wasn't fair to her, since we lived in a rented house......I did not own a house she could get half of.

The state we married in, and are residents of, has a one year separation period before divorce, or a one year abandonment provision.

I offered to pay her way back to China, and support her for a year.....at a monthly rate higher than she was earning when we met.

She said 'Not enough'.

She usually screened the incoming mail when it arrived. She handed me 'my mail'. I opened an envelope without looking. It was a bank statement for a secret bank account of hers, at a local bank. She has more savings than I do. (thousands)

A few weeks earlier I had helped her open up another bank account, with a smaller sum of 'her' money. As far as I knew, after 8 months of marriage, that was all she had.

I was still unemployed at this time, with a job interview looming. She wanted to visit a friend in another state. I was disgusted with her. I offered her a one way plane ticket, praying she wouldn't come back.

The new job I was interviewing for meant I had to travel a lot. I started it a few days after she left.

She came back on her own 2 weeks later, while I was gone.

Since then, things have been rockier. I like the lady, sometimes. I understand she is stubborn. I don't understand why she wants to continue to live with me if she thinks I'm so worthless......other than to stay in the US.

I make about 25% less at my current job, and have to be away from home up to 3 weeks at a time. She gets rides to school with a teacher or friend, and sometimes shopping. I know she is bored. She is still chatting with guys on the internet, and I found more strange phone numbers on our cell phone bill.

She also has a profile on a dating site...with a picture I took of her, and giving her age as 4 years younger. I made a screenshot of the profile I've kept.

She tells me she chats with guys because she is lonely, and they are just friends, and she is also trying to find american guys for her friends back in china. I told her to stop it. She hasn't.

I let her see anything on my laptop. i have nothing to hide. When i get near our home PC when she is on it, she is busy hiding things, closing windows, etc.

I don't trust her. She doesn't trust me. She thinks I have money hidden. (I don't)

I'm struggling to pay our bills,and some back debts.

I know she has friends who are telling her angles to work, in case I try to force a divorce. She keeps telling me 'you go out of town and no leave me money for food'. I do, cash, most of the time. I also set up a bank account with a small amount she could access with a debit card I gave her, and I could replenish from my bank account if I was stuck out of town. She has never used this money.

She also tells me she will lose face if she divorces, and has to go back to china. I'm sleeping on an air mattress in the spare bedroom, supporting an stubborn chinese woman who treats me with disdain. I don't care about her 'face'. I sure as hell don't have any.

I'm still pretty broke. I'm trying to summon enough savings to offer her a ticket back to china, and some cash, before we are supposed to apply for her ten year green card. I have no other plan, other than to not cooperate with the paperwork.

I feel sorry for her. She's a middleaged Chinese woman with no job or apartment to go back to, but I don't see her changing enough to make my life tolerable.

I almost think she is retarded at times, she's so stubborn. Then I realize it's a mixture of her lack of english skills, and her stubborness.

I have to explain the same things to her, every month. Next month she will claim I never told her about these things, and we start all over again.

She's also taken to investing some of her money in stocks, and has lost about 1/4 of it. When I found out about this secret money, she told me it was from her father. I don't want it. I want her to preserve it in case she needs it to live on...BACK IN CHINA. I'm afraid she'll lose it all.

I don't mean to make this sound like she is totally evil. She is dishonest at times. A 'no go' for me, or at least has a different interpretation of honesty.

I'm not perfect. I'm fat, and broke, but I'm working 7 days a week to try to keep us afloat.

My family is disgusted with her. They advise me to get an attorney, and even offered to lend me the money to send her home, if she will go.

What other options do I have?

I also think an attorney is your best bet and you should probably take your family up on their offer to help you finance that, but your question is what other options you have. The only one I can think of is either a mediator who speaks Putonghua or a mediator and a translator. If nothing else you can plop down your screen shots and phone number lists, maybe an affidavit from one of her boys if he is sympathetic and is willing to sign off that she pursued a relationship and presented herself as single. If it is explained clearly to her she may re-evaluate her position and take one of your offers. However, she could also a) re-evaluate and flee into the illegal community or b) become more motivated to strengthen her position by creating the appearance of abuse. Hard to say with confidence which way she'd go.

I'd follow others advice also to move your cash to places where she has no access but through you.

In general (big red flag this is a generalization that may or may not apply) Chinese women tend to respect a man who is resolute, firm, sticks to his guns. You don't need to be cruel to change the rules of the game, especially financially, and do it calmly and resolutely. My wife questions my medical advice all the time and quotes a Chinese friend as seeming to know more about medicine. I don't get upset. I just say you know me, you know my study all the time and my work, you take the advice you want but your friend's idea doesn't change my advice. Most of the time she responds by saying "I take husband's advice" and most of the time she does. Again, a generalization but Chinese women are often more prone to believe other Chinese than an American, even their husband, until they've gained a sense of security with you.

Let her know how things will be if she stays and what you can and can't accept. Be sure you collect all that hard evidence of her flirtations for your probable divorce, and start looking for a lawyer or mediator who can speak Chinese or a translator so you know everyone understands what is happening. Do you have any Chinese friends who could translate something you write so that you can be sure you are communicating your stance to her clearly?

Good luck to you. Better luck in the future.

[sjr09 155]

Best advice out of the whole thread...... "Pull the chain now - don't wait until the hook is set deeper"

　

You need to run, and hole up ASAP

[justashooter 430]

Chinese women tend to respect a man who is resolute, firm, sticks to his guns.

this guy understands chinese women. he prolly has a good relationship.

with chinese women, it's all about retaining "face". even when you're wrong, you gotta be right. but it helps if you really are right.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Best advice out of the whole thread...... "Pull the chain now - don't wait until the hook is set deeper"

　

You need to run, and hole up ASAP

[Darnell 8,479]

File for divorce this week. You know the rest. Good Luck !

[clueless55 18]

File for divorce this week. You know the rest. Good Luck !

Thanks, everybody.

To be honest, she's not bleeding me dry, financially....just emotionally.

The funny thing about 'doctors'. She happily goes to the local doctor with my health insurance which doesn't cover much, racks up $200 office visits, then comes home and complains the 'western doctor' doesn't know anything, and ignores his advice.

I should be home in a few days. Usually I find enough new reasons to end it...and do it when I have a head of steam up.

OH yeah, my state requires a one year separation before you file for divorce.

Thanks

Edited March 9, 2010 by clueless55

[purpleorchid 0]

I'll try to summarise our status.

My Chinese wife arrived in the US on a K1 in July 2009, we married two months later.

Our marriage hasn't gone well. She is very stubborn, and hasn't adjusted well. I'm not abusive, but I lose patience.

She is openly rude and disrespectful to me. She values the opinions of her chinese friends over mine, even with situations specific to our life.

'Why you pay this? My friend say you no need to pay this!!' (this about CAR insurance)

I'm often told I'm stupid, and don't know anything about life in America. (On the phone with chinese friends again)

I'm a middleaged man, college graduate, and other than a few years in the military, have lived here all my life.

Her language skills have not improved much, I thought she spoke OK english when we met. She makes no effort to READ english. She's in danger of being thrown out of the ESL classes she has been attending for over a year due to not observing the classroom rules and lack of basic courtesy.

I was totally honest with her about my finances, and life, in general when we met, and tried to assure she understood I had some debts to pay off. I mentioned this during out courtship, verbally.....in emails, etc. REPEATEDLY.

About the time she arrived in the US, the economy took a dump.....( can I blame her?) My work slowed, and eventually I was laid off my job.

We were arguing a bit before then. When I was laid off, she instructed me to move into the spare bedroom. ( I do snore) This was last june, and we have not slept together since then. I was without work for about a month and a half, which gave me more time at home.

I discovered she was chatting with men on Yahoo, and talking to them on her cell phone. Some as close as a few miles away, others a few hundred miles away.

Occasionally she would get rides home from shopping from somebody who dropped her off out of sight of our house.

I've got the cell phone records, and called several of the men who told me she claimed she was single.

Financially, we were struggling at this time.

I mentioned divorce. She claims she doesn't like me. She told me it wasn't fair to her, since we lived in a rented house......I did not own a house she could get half of.

The state we married in, and are residents of, has a one year separation period before divorce, or a one year abandonment provision.

I offered to pay her way back to China, and support her for a year.....at a monthly rate higher than she was earning when we met.

She said 'Not enough'.

She usually screened the incoming mail when it arrived. She handed me 'my mail'. I opened an envelope without looking. It was a bank statement for a secret bank account of hers, at a local bank. She has more savings than I do. (thousands)

A few weeks earlier I had helped her open up another bank account, with a smaller sum of 'her' money. As far as I knew, after 8 months of marriage, that was all she had.

I was still unemployed at this time, with a job interview looming. She wanted to visit a friend in another state. I was disgusted with her. I offered her a one way plane ticket, praying she wouldn't come back.

The new job I was interviewing for meant I had to travel a lot. I started it a few days after she left.

She came back on her own 2 weeks later, while I was gone.

Since then, things have been rockier. I like the lady, sometimes. I understand she is stubborn. I don't understand why she wants to continue to live with me if she thinks I'm so worthless......other than to stay in the US.

I make about 25% less at my current job, and have to be away from home up to 3 weeks at a time. She gets rides to school with a teacher or friend, and sometimes shopping. I know she is bored. She is still chatting with guys on the internet, and I found more strange phone numbers on our cell phone bill.

She also has a profile on a dating site...with a picture I took of her, and giving her age as 4 years younger. I made a screenshot of the profile I've kept.

She tells me she chats with guys because she is lonely, and they are just friends, and she is also trying to find american guys for her friends back in china. I told her to stop it. She hasn't.

I let her see anything on my laptop. i have nothing to hide. When i get near our home PC when she is on it, she is busy hiding things, closing windows, etc.

I don't trust her. She doesn't trust me. She thinks I have money hidden. (I don't)

I'm struggling to pay our bills,and some back debts.

I know she has friends who are telling her angles to work, in case I try to force a divorce. She keeps telling me 'you go out of town and no leave me money for food'. I do, cash, most of the time. I also set up a bank account with a small amount she could access with a debit card I gave her, and I could replenish from my bank account if I was stuck out of town. She has never used this money.

She also tells me she will lose face if she divorces, and has to go back to china. I'm sleeping on an air mattress in the spare bedroom, supporting an stubborn chinese woman who treats me with disdain. I don't care about her 'face'. I sure as hell don't have any.

I'm still pretty broke. I'm trying to summon enough savings to offer her a ticket back to china, and some cash, before we are supposed to apply for her ten year green card. I have no other plan, other than to not cooperate with the paperwork.

I feel sorry for her. She's a middleaged Chinese woman with no job or apartment to go back to, but I don't see her changing enough to make my life tolerable.

I almost think she is retarded at times, she's so stubborn. Then I realize it's a mixture of her lack of english skills, and her stubborness.

I have to explain the same things to her, every month. Next month she will claim I never told her about these things, and we start all over again.

She's also taken to investing some of her money in stocks, and has lost about 1/4 of it. When I found out about this secret money, she told me it was from her father. I don't want it. I want her to preserve it in case she needs it to live on...BACK IN CHINA. I'm afraid she'll lose it all.

I don't mean to make this sound like she is totally evil. She is dishonest at times. A 'no go' for me, or at least has a different interpretation of honesty.

I'm not perfect. I'm fat, and broke, but I'm working 7 days a week to try to keep us afloat.

My family is disgusted with her. They advise me to get an attorney, and even offered to lend me the money to send her home, if she will go.

What other options do I have?

Hello clueless55,

As a Chinese, I am so sorry to hear about your marriage problems with another Chinese lady. I want to say something to help you guys out, but not for an excuse for her. Please trust me.

Concerning the "stubborn", I think you should think in a different way. The two of you grew up in different world, different culture. You are still in the culture in which you were raised and she is trying to adjust to the new life and new culture. It is hard to say who is "stuborn". This is the period for you two to adjust to each other. Even though you married a local woman, it still need time for the couple to adjust. Say nothing of such a great change for your wife.

Concerning her word "stupid", just another way she showed the different way of thinking and doing things she learned in China. Sometimes it doesn't mean no respect to you. If you don't think she is right then try to explain to her why. I agree with you that she needs time to better understand U.S life and culture, but it does need time. I always mention to my husband that he is so stubborn. However, we both need change so that we can get along well with each other. I would like to give my Chinese friends some right advice when I hear from them complaining that "my husband is so stupid". I alway tell them, try to think in a defferent way, they are American and grew up from here, you should adjust to him etc. I am glad to see it works all the time.

Concerning respect, I want to say, respect goes two ways. My husband and I never bother to find out whom we contacted with or how much in each others account. We should totally trust and honest to each other. When she said her friend etc, just tell her you are living together with me, you should trust me.

I really understand why you wife spent too much time on line. To be frankyly, the life here is really boring. Since we have already left everything behind and started a totally different life in a different world now. If don't speak out and communicate with others, there will be even more depressed. I believe you don't want to take your wife to see a psycologist, right.

You mentioned she came here in July 2009 and later mentioned "last June", there must something wrong. Anyway, you tell her it is not right for the husband to live separately from his wife. If you don't want to sleep together with me then we should get divorced. I am not sure what kind of character she is. If you tried, and still nothing works good between you two then that is the time for you to get divorced. Good luck!

[TBoneTX 46,113]

you tried, and still nothing works good between you two then that is the time for you to get divorced.

Si, man. Edited March 9, 2010 by TBoneTX

[justashooter 430]

orchid is trying to help, but is confusing the issue. sure it takes time to adjust. sure life in rural AMerica is nothign like life in urban china. sure chinese people with less than perfect english seem to be speaking too frankly most of the time. sure there are cultural differences.

in the meantime, the OP wife has thrown the OP out of his own bed, and has already advertised herself as single and is "getting rides from people who drop her off away from the house" (other guys).

this dish is done. put a fork in it.

[clueless55 18]

orchid is trying to help, but is confusing the issue. sure it takes time to adjust. sure life in rural AMerica is nothign like life in urban china. sure chinese people with less than perfect english seem to be speaking too frankly most of the time. sure there are cultural differences.

in the meantime, the OP wife has thrown the OP out of his own bed, and has already advertised herself as single and is "getting rides from people who drop her off away from the house" (other guys).

this dish is done. put a fork in it.

Xie xie, purpleorchid.

I initially tried to write off somethings to 'cultural differences'. I do enjoy and appreciate Chinese culture, but my wife actively sought to marry an AMERICAN, and wanted to live in the US.

Many of the problems I have with my wife are due to her being stubborn, scheming, and uniquely HER.

I want to be fair with her. I don't see much chance she will change. I don't expect a subservient, asian wife who shuffles behind me with her head down.

I'm a university graduate, with diverse tastes, well read, and diverse experiences. She plops her butt in front of the TV to watch 'American Idol' and ####### like that, and tells me my 'tastes are low'.

(ONLY IN WOMEN, honey....)

[psiprez 3]

Having initiated and survived a 'hostile' divorce myself, my advice...

1. Stop discussing this with her, and see a lawyer ASAP!!! The less she knows about your plans, the better at this point.

2. Take steps to protect yourself. Discreetly. Make sure all important documents are in a secure place out of her reach. This includes your personal papers (birth certificate, tax returns, marriage certificate, insurance docs, bank statements, etc). Do your best to amass documentation of anything that can be used to prove your case (ESL class, etc). Make sure other valuables (jewelry, heirlooms) are in a safe place. Change online passwords (for online banking, utilities, email, forums etc) as possible, to cut off access and preserve privacy. Set up a new email account for correspondence to lawyer.

3. You need to put as much cash aside as possible. If you haven't already, open a bank account in YOUR name only. Although any money in this account will be considered "joint funds" in court, it will prevent her from cleaning you out and skipping. Your lawyer may advise you to do the same, and advise you to shift HALF of your "joint" money into your own account on the day you file. You need to be careful to document how much money you moved, and what you did with it (to avoid looking like you cleaned HER out - you need to keep the money 'aside'). Ask the lawyer how to handle it.

4. If she EVER gets violent, call the police.

GOOD LUCK

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

I never like/want to encourage divorce. Divorce is a personal decision.

That said...More and more states are requiring a waiting period before granting the "dissolution of marriage". Furthermore, Joint marriage/family counseling is (usually/becomming) required during the waiting period. I think that only applies to couples with children but might be required in your state regardless. Hence the 1 year waiting period.

(and) That said....Dude, wow! What a spot your in. I wonder if your letting, your image of yourself, keep you from doing what you know is best.? Divorce or not, why are you letting yourself be treated like this? It seems this is not what you envision marriage to be and is unnacceptable. Yet, you endure. hhmmmm....

I know a couple that has been married 35+ years with numerous similarities to yours. The husband walks around in a gloomy state of depression and generally pissed off attitude. (He has been sleeping in the spare bedroom for over 20 years now) I asked him why he never divorced. His answer.."for my daughters and now I'm too old to give a damn". Your future? Based on your story, I doubt it. Because I'm guessing you got just enough time until she finds the next rung on the ladder (she is on the hunt already) or gets the AOS (if the "pocket" hunt does not produce).

Whatever you decide....at least...It's time for you to set some "healthy" boundries.

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

oooops...I noticed the AOS was already approved. So, I'm guessing, Just waiting for the next rung.

Best wishes (for you).

[belinda63 3,047]

Run Forrest Run

[Brad and Vika 129]

3. You need to put as much cash aside as possible. If you haven't already, open a bank account in YOUR name only. Although any money in this account will be considered "joint funds" in court, it will prevent her from cleaning you out and skipping. Your lawyer may advise you to do the same, and advise you to shift HALF of your "joint" money into your own account on the day you file. You need to be careful to document how much money you moved, and what you did with it (to avoid looking like you cleaned HER out - you need to keep the money 'aside'). Ask the lawyer how to handle it.

Caution here. Put the cash under your mattress (or away from disclosure) if the intent is to keep it.