Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest

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PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Monday by Stanford's Institute For Psychotherapeutic Study, depression, America's leading mental illness, hits losers worse than any other segment of society.

Losers, sad excuses for human beings who have no reason to feel good about themselves or their failed, miserable lives, are approximately 25 times as likely to suffer the emotionally crippling effects of depression as any other group researched, the study claims.

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Noted therapist Eli Wasserbaum agreed. "Because they are so inherently inferior to regular people, many losers feel—quite correctly—that their lives are not worth living," Wasserbaum said. "Nobody cares about them, they are alone, they can't hold down a job, they have no money. Even their own families hate them. Life has passed them by. What's the point in their even going on?"

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The study also indicates that, because nobody would miss them if they died, losers are nine times as likely to attempt suicide as worthwhile people.

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While most patients can expect to benefit from the drug, mental health experts agree that losers will not be helped by prescription drug therapy or, for that matter, anything at all.

"Losers, despite their profound, constant state of despair, are hated by others as much as they hate themselves," said Theodore Foti, director of the famed Rochester Institute For Mental Health. "They have no friends because they are, quite simply, too pathetic and useless for anyone to care about. How could anyone possibly expect a little pill to cure a problem like that? Give me a break."

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29955

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

There's a shocker!

[spookyturtle 9,466]

Of course it does. They are losers in a strong economy, what happens when times get tough for them? Is there a term that is worse than loser? Can they fall below loser status?

[Jenn! 918]

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Of course it does. They are losers in a strong economy, what happens when times get tough for them? Is there a term that is worse than loser? Can they fall below loser status?

Teabagger?

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Teabagger?

Teabaggee

[The_Dude 1,142]

Teabaggee

Speaking from experience bill?

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Teabaggee

Kemosabe like it when Tonto give him Roman Helmet.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Kemosabe like it when Tonto give him Roman Helmet.

Roman Helmet?

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Speaking from experience bill?

Why do you hate man-on-man love?

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

Why do you hate man-on-man love?

Roman Helmets.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Roman Helmets.

Now I am really confused!