Islam and Marriage

[bhajishah 4]

Questions to Ask a Prospective Marriage Partner

Don't just rush into marriage. Sort out these key issues in advance.

Compiled by Chloe Chaudhry. Derived from Bent Rib: A Journey through Women’s issues in Islam by Huda al-Khattab.

The following questions are offered in the interest of helping Muslims to think through issues important to marriage. You may wish to ask these questions when you’re considering someone for marriage, either of them or just of yourself. You may also wish to ask them of an intermediary, who may be able to provide you an unbiased perspective. Some of the questions may seem "unIslamic", but they deal with the reality of today's social situation, and NOT asking a question may ultimately prove to be a bigger mistake than asking it.

GENERAL QUESTIONS:

Why are you interested in marrying at this time?

How would you describe yourself?

What do you consider your greatest achievement to date?

Describe three experiences you’ve had that you’ve benefited/learned from.

What has been the hardest obstacle you’ve faced thus far in life? How has it affected you?

If there was one thing you would like to change about yourself, what would it be?

What are your goals for this life? What would you like to accomplish before you die?

What are you looking for in a spouse?

DECIDING WHETHER TO MARRY:

What role do you think parents should play in helping to select your spouse?

What process do you want to use to determine whether you have found the right spouse? Phone? E-mail? Chaperoned or unchaperoned in person? How much time do you want to decide?

DEEN (ISLAMIC LIFESTYLE):

What do you do to feel close to Allah (swt)?

How to you hope to get closer to Allah (swt) through marriage?

What do you want to improve about yourself Islamically?

How many times per day do you pray? What about while at work?

How much Qur’an have you memorized?

To what extent are you involved in the Islamic community?

Do you fast during Ramadan?

How do you determine how to distribute Zakat? How do you give in Sadaqa?

Have you been on Hajj or Umrah? When would you like to go?

Are you affiliated with a particular masjid or Islamic group?

How important do you think it is to only eat Halal meat?

How important do you think it is for women to wear hijab? What about men?

How do you like to celebrate religious holidays?

Do you go for jummah prayers?

LIVING AS A MUSLIM MINORITY:

Do you have non-Muslim friends?

What do you think Muslims should do on Western holidays?

EXTENDED FAMILY:

What do you think parents/extended family’s role should be in making important decisions: wedding planning, child rearing, vacations, where you will live?

What do you do if there is a conflict between your spouse and your family?

Are you comfortable living with extended family, particularly as they age? Are other accommodations possible?

How much time do you anticipate spending with your extended family, in person or by phone?

Would you describe the character of your family members?

What have you learned from observing your family that you do or do not want to incorporate into your marriage?

PROFESSION:

What career path do you plan on taking?

Will both husband and wife work outside the home?

Under what conditions would you be willing to move to further your or your spouse’s professional growth?

How much time do you spend at work?

How do you plan to balance time at work and time with the family?

What kind of business functions will you ask each other to host/attend?

Would you encourage/support the idea of me going back to school for advanced degrees?

How would we support ourselves if we both had to be in school?

INTERESTS/ACTIVITIES:

How do you like to spend your free time?

How much time do you spend watching TV?

What interests would you like to share with your spouse?

How much time alone would you like to have?

How do you feel about separate vacations? Business trips? Conferences?

SOCIAL LIFE:

How much time do you want to spend with friends? By yourself? As a couple?

How would you feel about your spouse having friends of the opposite gender?

WHERE TO LIVE:

Where do you want to live? Why?

Will you want to live near your extended family?

Do you prefer city? Suburb? Countryside?

Do you want to live in the U.S. or abroad?

How important is it to live in a large Muslim community?

CHILDREN:

How many children do you want to have?

When do you think you’ll be ready to have children?

How will you distribute responsibility for child rearing? Diapering?

What do you think it is important to teach children?

What is your view on raising children? Do you spank?

To what extent would you be willing to utilize family members, friends, baby sitters or day are to watch your children?

How will you ensure your children have a good Islamic education?

What would you do if you could not have children?

Do you want your children to grow up bilingual? In what languages?

MONEY:

How many personal savings/checking accounts would you want?

Who should be responsible for paying bills?

What about prior assets?

How will you determine how much should be spent on the household? On personal items? On charity?

How much should either person be able to spend by themselves without consulting the other?

How much should be paid out in maher (dowry)? Up front versus deferred?

If we were on an uncomfortably tight budget, and your brother asked you for a generous loan for a third attempt at a start-up when the first two had failed, would you give it to him?

What would be your top five criteria for developing a financial plan?

LAST NAMES:

Should the wife change her last name?

What last name should the children carry?

HOUSE:

How do you feel about cleanliness, neatness and housework?

How do you feel about knickknacks and artwork?

Who is responsible for work around the house?

What are the household chores you are used to doing?

Have you ever lived alone? Have you ever had a roommate? Have you always lived with your parents?

How do you feel about pets?

What are your preferences in terms of food? Mostly from your own ethnic group, or a more diverse palate? Only home-made, or also convenience or from restaurants? Meat or vegetarian?

If we were both working and we both got home about the same time, would you expect the wife to always be the cook?

How do you feel about smoking?

DIFFERENCES:

What are your pet peeves?

How should disagreements be resolved?

How do you act when you get upset?

How would you go about making you spouse happy when s/he was feeling down?

What would you want your spouse to do if you disagreed about something?

What if the disagreement is over an interpretation of Islam?

Who would be your choice of arbiters, or how do you feel about arbitration?

How do you feel about marriage counselling?

MONOGAMY/FIDELITY/HONESTY:

What are your views?

What is your experience with families with a second wife?

Will infidelity automatically end the marriage?

CULTURE:

What role does culture play in your life?

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[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

So, what happens when you quiz your man with one million questions? Does that now mean you "know" him enough? Even if he answered every one of those questions, that doesnt mean he has to be the one.

never mind

no, I hope no one asks all those questions... it would give a headache or drive a man crazy.

Edited March 1, 2010 by ~PalmTreeGurl~

[Nasturtium 500]

So, what happens when you quiz your man with one million questions? Does that now mean you "know" him enough? Even if he answered every one of those questions, that doesnt mean he has to be the one.

never mind

no, I hope no one asks all those questions... it would give a headache or drive a man crazy.

I easily asked about 100xs that number of questions. It sort of worked like a conversation at first, but then once I was on the cusp of a decision it was like an inquisition. He mentioned I would have a great career with the intelligence division... and it did drive him nuts but he apparently had faith that it would end. It did. That's how I am-- I get interested in something, intensely search it out, then I am OK and am free to let it go on its way. Or not. I trapped him in my house in another country I guess.

But no, answering questions is not equal to knowing someone. It's equal to knowing how they say they stand on the issues in your questions.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

I easily asked about 100xs that number of questions. It sort of worked like a conversation at first, but then once I was on the cusp of a decision it was like an inquisition. He mentioned I would have a great career with the intelligence division... and it did drive him nuts but he apparently had faith that it would end. It did. That's how I am-- I get interested in something, intensely search it out, then I am OK and am free to let it go on its way. Or not. I trapped him in my house in another country I guess.

But no, answering questions is not equal to knowing someone. It's equal to knowing how they say they stand on the issues in your questions.

Interesting... still I'd call that a headache. Some of those questions I'd rather see it than actually here a typical "answer" show me how you live it and not just say what I want to hear, but thats just me.

[Darnell 8,478]

this is a great list.

IMO, even better when the TWO of you are having a private counselling session with the local imam.

[scandal 951]

How do you give in Sadaqa?

Oh, the usual. UJA, Keren Kayemet, the local Synagogue fund.

[Kenza 1]

A lot of these questions probably have already been asked, but it is a good guideline to some great discussions between your boyfriend/fiance/hubby and you (opposite too).

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Well, I am curious how the guys would feel if they were given the 100+ question list. Have most of your fiances or spouses given you the drill down questionaire?

[Nasturtium 500]

Interesting... still I'd call that a headache. Some of those questions I'd rather see it than actually here a typical "answer" show me how you live it and not just say what I want to hear, but thats just me.

Some of those are better to see, but that doesn't preclude actually talking things out. For example, I'd rather find out before we get married whether or not he wanted a second wife. I'd rather not figure that one out along the way. I'd also rather not have to figure out whether or not he expected me to cook all the time, spank kids, work, etc. It's basic compatability issues. You get to a point where you realize talking things out before you get into something permanent is more sensible than figuring out that what you project onto someone isn't how they really are 5 years down the road.

There are only 86 questions on there, and less than half are religion specific. Most are about dividing duties, expectations, roles, etc. So are you saying you didn't discuss anything before you got married? Because I could go through this list in about 10 minutes if I set it up as a Q and A, or in a couple of days as a natural conversation flow. I cannot imagine not discussing some of this stuff before marriage because it could cause MAJOR relationship headaches to sort out once you were solidified and found out you had different views entirely.

[mawilson 2,133]

Oh, the usual. UJA, Keren Kayemet, the local Synagogue fund.

Don't forget Hilltop Youth, Gush Emunim, and the Religious Zionists of America

[scandal 951]

Don't forget Hilltop Youth, Gush Emunim, and the Religious Zionists of America

Od Avinu Chai!

[Nasturtium 500]

Od Avinu Chai!

Sing with me, Scandal!

am Yisrael Chai!

(now that is stuck in my head!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTi4u1WaDns

So many better ones I could pick but his head makes me LOL.

Edited March 1, 2010 by julianna

[scandal 951]

Sing with me, Scandal!

am Yisrael Chai!

(now that is stuck in my head!)

So many better ones I could pick but his head makes me LOL.

I like this one. Pretty typical for the yeshiva crowd. Kind of like being in a mosh pit at a good rock concert.

_x88NxjrHXI

[Nasturtium 500]

I like this one. Pretty typical for the yeshiva crowd. Kind of like being in a mosh pit at a good rock concert.

I like that one too... but it lacked the craziness of the first one that had me LOLing That's also way more of the tune I learned it in (the one you posted). Now we can sing and dance in this thread. Maybe spread the happiness. It's the appropriate time, right? Mordecai: YAYYYYYYYYYYY! Haman: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[scandal 951]

Now we can sing and dance in this thread. Maybe spread the happiness. It's the appropriate time, right? Mordecai: YAYYYYYYYYYYY! Haman: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Like this?

UsxbnDYTzko