25 year age difference....Older women marrying younger men

[highHopes 17]

I read a sad post earlier from a couple petitioning out of Cairo and have read many stories of women married to younger men on VJ. I thought it would be a interesting to start a thread with our experiences.

Because I'm an "equal opportunity" poster, men who are older than their wives are more than welcome to post their experiences as well.

Has anyone had difficulty in their interviews because of age differences? Have you had unpleasant remarks directed to you by family and friends for falling in love with someone younger than you?

I am 19 years older than my husband, and we don't see the difference. We are on the same emotional, intellectual and spiritual level and absolutely adore each other. We're married for love, not a GC....but I've had several interesting comments directed my way since our marriage about our age difference and they came across as pretty judgmental. Do men married to younger women get the same snide remarks and judgment?

Looking forward to everyone's posts!

I doubt u need to worry about the age factor if u really love him the truth is we as society see it funny for older lady to marry younger guy but its ok for older guy to marry younger women. The funny part about all this drama is that a lot of Hollywood Stars marry and date older women but no one says anything but if a middle average person dates a yonger guy people wanna talk.

Am 25yrs am in the United states came in as an F-1 I played college soccer injured my calf torn muscles my first year which is 2008 my personal rehab and trainer became my first gal friend she will be 40 this year lol and we have been together for 4yrs plus we have a 2yr old son so Ummmm i think if u dnt look into the age factor u will be fine

[indiana_sweetie 120]

I doubt u need to worry about the age factor if u really love him the truth is we as society see it funny for older lady to marry younger guy but its ok for older guy to marry younger women. The funny part about all this drama is that a lot of Hollywood Stars marry and date older women but no one says anything but if a middle average person dates a yonger guy people wanna talk.

Am 25yrs am in the United states came in as an F-1 I played college soccer injured my calf torn muscles my first year which is 2008 my personal rehab and trainer became my first gal friend she will be 40 this year lol and we have been together for 4yrs plus we have a 2yr old son so Ummmm i think if u dnt look into the age factor u will be fine

[usagirl12 3]

Here the thing, you have understand that men are different from women. We are very emotional but most men are not. I am not saying that your husbands are just using you. I am sure they are good guys. But just keep in mind that if you ever feel there is a red flag, don't ignore it. Outside of USA, people don't get as many opprotunites as us, they are not able to find good jobs, and they are not able to enjoy the comforts of life as we do. So, there is some level of desperateness for them to get to US. Also, they are raised differently, they are always taught that women are there to serve them and that they are not very smart. I know this is not true but this is what most men are raised as in other countries. If I was in your place, I would tell my husband that once we get married I want to move to his country and live there. If, he is happy wtih that hten you know you got the right guy, if he is not, well then you know he just wanted to for your GC. you just have to be careful and think , I know its hard when you are in love you dont want to see the bad side of a person but I think just to be safe you should try this. If its true love, you have nothing to lose.

[indiana_sweetie 120]

Here the thing, you have understand that men are different from women. We are very emotional but most men are not. I am not saying that your husbands are just using you. I am sure they are good guys. But just keep in mind that if you ever feel there is a red flag, don't ignore it. Outside of USA, people don't get as many opprotunites as us, they are not able to find good jobs, and they are not able to enjoy the comforts of life as we do. So, there is some level of desperateness for them to get to US. Also, they are raised differently, they are always taught that women are there to serve them and that they are not very smart. I know this is not true but this is what most men are raised as in other countries. If I was in your place, I would tell my husband that once we get married I want to move to his country and live there. If, he is happy wtih that hten you know you got the right guy, if he is not, well then you know he just wanted to for your GC. you just have to be careful and think , I know its hard when you are in love you dont want to see the bad side of a person but I think just to be safe you should try this. If its true love, you have nothing to lose.

I don't see any red flags between us. I think the question is, would the embassy frown on a relationship with a large age gap. We decided not to stress over it. We love each other. We have the evidence, on paper and in our hearts. I'm flying to see him tomorrow face time with hubby

[toma1 10]

Another article on this topic:

"The researchers studied interviews of more than 1,500 couples who were married or in a serious relationship. Five years later, they followed up 1,000 of the couples to see which had lasted. They found that if the wife was five or more years older than her husband, they were more than three times as likely to divorce than if they were the same age. If the age gap is reversed, and the man is older than the woman, the odds of marital bliss are higher."

The work is published in the European Journal of Operational Research.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8325579.stm

Edited October 9, 2012 by toma1

[American Woman 75 21]

I have just started an 'online romance' with a man from Algeria who is 17 years younger than I am. I know it appears to everyone to sound 'stupid' if I say I'm falling head over heels in love after only a few months, but you know what....that is the truth of what's happening, so why try to lie about it. And when I say 'truth' I simply mean, 'my truth' about what I 'feel' - of course I can only speak for myself, and I cannot say what will be down the road. But in this moment, here and now, I am falling. So...I wonder if you can give us an update on your relationship for 2013? I'm searching for encouraging stories. Thanks, and I hope all is well with you and your husband.

HI..

First of all.. I read your reply and wanted to cry. My story is similar. I am 19 years older than my husband and i have no doubts he loves me and I have never felt love the way I do now. I miss him every minute of every day and feel as though my life just goes thru the motions until the day I can be with him again. I feel so empty.

We met in Nepal while on vacation, I went back to live and we got married. I lived there for 8 months and decided to come back to the states to work on the visa thing. So far, it has been smooth, and now just waiting to complete at the NVC and receive our interview date. I have every intention of being there for his interview, even though I won't be allowed in...and even though it will probably break me. (The plane ticket to Nepal is definitely not cheap right now.) We just had a short vacation in Thailand together because we had been apart for 4 months and no movement on the visa..but, while there, we were given the notice of the NOA2. It made leaving him a little bit easier knowing this may have an end in site.

I am scared to death. Scared that some other human holds our future in their hands and that they can deny us the right to live together in the US. I would stay in Nepal, but there is no way to make a living there. Even as a nurse, I only made $200.00 a month and we started a travel business there that he is running, but that is very slow and I am having to occasionally help out with his expenses there too. Which I gladly do as he is my husband.

My family is coming around. My youngest son (21) is excited that I have found someone that I love and that loves me and wrote a letter of support for him to come over. My other 2 children were not happy at first, but are coming around and are showing more support as they see how much I love him and believe in us. (They live in other states.)

I want to be prepared. If they deny us at the embassy..what can I do to keep it there? I plan on making an appointment and going in the day or 2 before his interview and I think I will even write my senators and congressman before I go.. in preparation.

I pray for your fast approval and I would love to stay in contact. NO ONE else can identify as to what we are going thru. The every day angst and longing. I had no intention of marrying someone 19 years younger than me, although, I have always dated younger men, but you can not help who you fall in love with. NONE of us should be denied this, especially because of age..or cultural norms.

I am grateful for this community as I have virtually cut myself off from everyone else in my life during this process. I miss my husband and best friend...even if some people believe that can't be possible with this much of an age difference.

[American Woman 75 21]

Hello fellow 'older women' -

I am still in the 'online romance' stage with a man from Algeria, although I plan to fly to Constantine at the end of this year. Even though we haven't met, yet, I'm the type of person who likes to think ahead...especially because I already feel like I'm falling for this one, big time. Ok, so here's the deal; I'm 44, and he's 27.

A little more background:

I am an American atheist. He is, of course, a Muslim. We've talked at great length about religion, and even had a lot of good debates about it, but in the end, we both respect each other's individual choices, and agree to disagree.

He once had a long-term (secret) sexual affair with a woman 16 years older than him, which lasted for 3 years. (This makes me think he's more Western-minded)

I once had a long-term relationship with a man 10 years younger than me.

I am divorced (for over five years, and the marriage itself lasted less than one year) with no children.

He has never been married and of course has no children.

He loses a great deal of sleep to stay online and talk with me - faithfully, every night, from 2 to 6 hours each time, nearly from the start.

He works at a court house, and has a degree in Criminal Law, as well as one in Banking (all together 5.5 years of university)...although he told me he is not able to get the position he wants because of 'nepotism' (his English vocabulary is quite advanced - I had to look this word up in the dictionary, hahaha! He is also fluent in French, as well as his native language of Arabic) So, let me ask this to all of you: Even though a significant age difference may appear suspicious and raise a red-flag....wouldn't the fact that he spent 5.5 years working hard to earn degrees in Algerian law and Banking cancel out any suspicion, since that field of study was a choice that could never be used outside of Algeria. So if leaving the country were some big plan he's fostered all along, wouldn't he have chosen something that would be useful in another country, like the medical field?)

He's tried very hard to convince me that if things continue to develop between us, it would be better for me to move to Constantine, and also describes with great emotion how close he is to his family and friends. He also worries that if he came here, he would face bigotry against Muslims, and would not know how to interact with Americans. He shows no hatred toward Americans, but feels distraught that he will not fit in, and will have difficulty 'taking care of me' in a country he knows nothing about. I am the first American he's spoken to on a personal level.

He told me that he's already mentioned me to his family, and he wants me to meet them right away when I come. He told me that his mother and brother told him that he's 'lost his mind' - and said, "Why would an American woman be interested in YOU?" - and the brother telling him, "Don't trust everything on the stupid internet. It's not real."

On MY end, almost all of my family has died. I remain only in contact with a few cousins, and they have no concern over how I live my life. So no problems or interference here whatsoever. Although my best friend told me the same thing as the Algerian's brother: "Don't trust the internet!" But also tells me that because of the age difference, it is a disaster waiting to happen.

All in all, I am painfully aware of the many obstacles and difficulties that lie ahead...for a plethora of reasons. However, despite it all, I feel we share the same 'spirit.' Our conversations have been broad, deep, serious, playful, and in a very short time, I feel like I've known him for years! And when we spoke on the phone, he sounded closer to my age than myself!

We have both suffered a lot of personal tragedy in our lives; me with all the people who have raised me dead from cancer (and having to take care of them as they slowly died, one by one over the years) and him with watching his brother (only one year older than him) die before his eyes in a major earthquake that collapsed the family home on all of them, and left them with nothing. And also, six months before that time, he and the brother who died had to take care of their grandmother while she was dying. We talk about these things, these experiences, and feel an understanding about it that we can't get from others who haven't lived through this type of sorrow.

Ok, so here's what I want to know from you guys:

1) I want to be prepared ahead of time, in case this really does turn into marriage. So, with this in mind at this early stage, what should I be doing to prepare? I'm already saving all of our Yahoo chats and emails and call logs. Is there anything more I should do?

2) If I married him in Algeria, would this marriage be valid in the US? Or would we have to also get married here?

3) What kind of interview questions would he face...and especially with this big age difference between us?

3) Since he works at one of their court houses, and he's on friendly terms with all the judges there, would they be able to do anything to help the situation? Letters of recommendation, perhaps?

4) Who are these people who decide our fate? Are they Americans, are they local Algerians? Who does the interview?

5) If I wanted to spend six months to a year living in Constantine to get to know him, am I allowed to do this? Does it have to be approved by someone?

6) How would I access my American Bank Account from Algeria? And if they don't use credit cards over there the way that we do over here...what am I supposed to do, walk around with a year's worth of cash in my pocket? How is this done?

7) What can I expect as far as food and personal products over there? If I stay for an extended period of time, I'd like to bring all of my American products with me. Would this be allowed? How is the quality of their food? (Here I buy my meat from Whole Foods - organic)

8) Would I be able to earn money there by helping people to practice their English?

9) How strange would it be for an American woman to live in an apartment alone? And how safe??

10) Please lay it on me, all your advice, the good, bad and ugly. I can take it. But..of course....I prefer to hear the most positive stories!!

Thanks...and That's All, Folks!

Zoletta

[indiana_sweetie 120]

I'm sure they suspected fraud and grilled my husband extensively during interview. We front-loaded our romantic evidence. We were married in Kosovo. Our marriage is recognized in the USA. Remember to have all documents translated if they are not also in English. Spending time together is very important, probably more so than chats and emails. Make sure to take lots of pictures with both of you in them. Use the time-stamp on your camera or write the dates and places. Pictures together in different situations, especially with family, show that your relationship is accepted and is more apt to be viewed as genuine by the CO. At least that's my opinion anyway.

Edited for clarity

Edited March 25, 2013 by indiana_sweetie

[Nimz 0]

Hello fellow 'older women' -

2) If I married him in Algeria, would this marriage be valid in the US? Or would we have to also get married here?

Zoletta

I believe the rule is, if the marriage is legal in the country it took place the USCIS (or whatever) will accept it

Good Luck with everything.

Edited March 25, 2013 by Nimz

[sarsorti 36]

Damn, that's mean.

She has RFEs listed. But, you didn't care enough about her feelings, why should I even expect you to care enough to look at her signature.

Edited March 27, 2013 by sarsorti

[sarsorti 36]

Wait!

You are 25 years older than your husband, and on top of that, your husband is from Pakistan, and you didn't have any RFE, AP, AR, or any other delay regarding your process???????

WOW. your case is really one of a kind.

have you play the lotto lately???? 'cause you should.

I would just like to say I am 22 years older , no RFE's and insh'allah we will finish with success in the next few weeks. Everything went as it was supposed to so far. And no lotto involved.........

[jdba 22]

I'm almost 8 years older than my husband and the only one from my family or friends to have a issue with it was me at the start But it was only because of what I thought others would think. I am 37 and my husband is 30. My son is 20 and has no issues with the age difference. My husband looks older and I look younger so we actually look very close in age. I am hoping when he goes for his interview a 8 year difference will not be a red flag.

[sarsorti 36]

I'm almost 8 years older than my husband and the only one from my family or friends to have a issue with it was me at the start But it was only because of what I thought others would think. I am 37 and my husband is 30. My son is 20 and has no issues with the age difference. My husband looks older and I look younger so we actually look very close in age. I am hoping when he goes for his interview a 8 year difference will not be a red flag.

He will be OK, 8 years is not too big, just be honest and present your case the best way you can. Good luck.

[Cathi 5,771]

Hello fellow 'older women' -

I am still in the 'online romance' stage with a man from Algeria, although I plan to fly to Constantine at the end of this year. Even though we haven't met, yet, I'm the type of person who likes to think ahead...especially because I already feel like I'm falling for this one, big time. Ok, so here's the deal; I'm 44, and he's 27.

A little more background:

I am an American atheist. He is, of course, a Muslim. We've talked at great length about religion, and even had a lot of good debates about it, but in the end, we both respect each other's individual choices, and agree to disagree.

He once had a long-term (secret) sexual affair with a woman 16 years older than him, which lasted for 3 years. (This makes me think he's more Western-minded)

I once had a long-term relationship with a man 10 years younger than me.

I am divorced (for over five years, and the marriage itself lasted less than one year) with no children.

He has never been married and of course has no children.

He loses a great deal of sleep to stay online and talk with me - faithfully, every night, from 2 to 6 hours each time, nearly from the start.

He works at a court house, and has a degree in Criminal Law, as well as one in Banking (all together 5.5 years of university)...although he told me he is not able to get the position he wants because of 'nepotism' (his English vocabulary is quite advanced - I had to look this word up in the dictionary, hahaha! He is also fluent in French, as well as his native language of Arabic) So, let me ask this to all of you: Even though a significant age difference may appear suspicious and raise a red-flag....wouldn't the fact that he spent 5.5 years working hard to earn degrees in Algerian law and Banking cancel out any suspicion, since that field of study was a choice that could never be used outside of Algeria. So if leaving the country were some big plan he's fostered all along, wouldn't he have chosen something that would be useful in another country, like the medical field?)

He's tried very hard to convince me that if things continue to develop between us, it would be better for me to move to Constantine, and also describes with great emotion how close he is to his family and friends. He also worries that if he came here, he would face bigotry against Muslims, and would not know how to interact with Americans. He shows no hatred toward Americans, but feels distraught that he will not fit in, and will have difficulty 'taking care of me' in a country he knows nothing about. I am the first American he's spoken to on a personal level.

He told me that he's already mentioned me to his family, and he wants me to meet them right away when I come. He told me that his mother and brother told him that he's 'lost his mind' - and said, "Why would an American woman be interested in YOU?" - and the brother telling him, "Don't trust everything on the stupid internet. It's not real."

On MY end, almost all of my family has died. I remain only in contact with a few cousins, and they have no concern over how I live my life. So no problems or interference here whatsoever. Although my best friend told me the same thing as the Algerian's brother: "Don't trust the internet!" But also tells me that because of the age difference, it is a disaster waiting to happen.

All in all, I am painfully aware of the many obstacles and difficulties that lie ahead...for a plethora of reasons. However, despite it all, I feel we share the same 'spirit.' Our conversations have been broad, deep, serious, playful, and in a very short time, I feel like I've known him for years! And when we spoke on the phone, he sounded closer to my age than myself!

We have both suffered a lot of personal tragedy in our lives; me with all the people who have raised me dead from cancer (and having to take care of them as they slowly died, one by one over the years) and him with watching his brother (only one year older than him) die before his eyes in a major earthquake that collapsed the family home on all of them, and left them with nothing. And also, six months before that time, he and the brother who died had to take care of their grandmother while she was dying. We talk about these things, these experiences, and feel an understanding about it that we can't get from others who haven't lived through this type of sorrow.

Ok, so here's what I want to know from you guys:

1) I want to be prepared ahead of time, in case this really does turn into marriage. So, with this in mind at this early stage, what should I be doing to prepare? I'm already saving all of our Yahoo chats and emails and call logs. Is there anything more I should do?

2) If I married him in Algeria, would this marriage be valid in the US? Or would we have to also get married here?

3) What kind of interview questions would he face...and especially with this big age difference between us?

3) Since he works at one of their court houses, and he's on friendly terms with all the judges there, would they be able to do anything to help the situation? Letters of recommendation, perhaps?

4) Who are these people who decide our fate? Are they Americans, are they local Algerians? Who does the interview?

5) If I wanted to spend six months to a year living in Constantine to get to know him, am I allowed to do this? Does it have to be approved by someone?

6) How would I access my American Bank Account from Algeria? And if they don't use credit cards over there the way that we do over here...what am I supposed to do, walk around with a year's worth of cash in my pocket? How is this done?

7) What can I expect as far as food and personal products over there? If I stay for an extended period of time, I'd like to bring all of my American products with me. Would this be allowed? How is the quality of their food? (Here I buy my meat from Whole Foods - organic)

8) Would I be able to earn money there by helping people to practice their English?

9) How strange would it be for an American woman to live in an apartment alone? And how safe??

10) Please lay it on me, all your advice, the good, bad and ugly. I can take it. But..of course....I prefer to hear the most positive stories!!

Thanks...and That's All, Folks!

Zoletta

Do you know anything about Algerian culture or Islam at all? First of all the fact that he had a "secret" relationship with an older woman does not make him "western minded", it means that in his culture the only way for him to have sex was in secret with an older woman because sex is NEVER allowed in Islam before marriage, and having an open sexual relationship with a woman his or a woman of any age is very very dangerous for the both, especially for her. Secondly there is no way on EARTH that his family would ever allow him to marry an atheist, and it is not allowed in Islam. Muslim men are only allowed to marry other Muslims, Christians or Jews, people of a Holy Book(Muslim women can only marry Muslims men). You would not be able to even get married there, they follow Sharia law and marriage to a "non believer" is haram(not allowed). He may tell you he doesn't care what his family thinks, but when push comes to shove, he will do what his family says or they will shun him. I can tell you right now his judge friends will not be willing to help once they find out that you are atheist, that's a reality. This is just the tip of the iceberg, it seems as though you know very little about Muslims or their culture, it is going to be a very long, tough road for you. I just don't understand how you are supposedly in love with Muslim man and want to marry him, yet you don;t know your marriage will simply not be allowed, ever, and I am curious why he didn't tell you any of this. Don't think that converting to Islam will help your situation, it could possibly make it worse, the embassy frowns upon women converting to Islam simply to get married or appease the law, it is a huge red flag. Now to tell you, I am 21 years older than my husband, he is Muslim, I am Catholic. he has been here in the US with me for almost 6 months, we have been married for a year and a half, together for 2 and half years.His family has accepted me and welcomed me from day one, but I am a practicing Catholic, that fact was important to them. My family was skeptical at first because of the age difference, but now that he has been here for several months they love him and see we are good together. We have a good marriage, but it has been all rainbows and puppy dogs. He has adjusted very well to life here in the US, he just got his first full time job 2 weeks ago, not in his field, but rather in a manual labor job. He has a degree in computer science, but finding a job here has not been easy for him, even with a bachelors degree in a field where there are many jobs here in the US. The fact that he has no job experience in his field here in the US has worked against him, even with experience in his country, To him finding a job here was important, in his culture men are supposed to be"the bread winners", so he took any job just so he could contribute to the finances until he finds a job in IT. The age difference hasn't been an issue for us. I could go on and on about the reds flags I see in your relationship, and the differences in culture and religion you are simply not aware of. You need to do some serious research. A relationship with someone from a different culture is never easy, once you go to Algeria you will see how different the culture is. I suggest you take it slow and really get to know him, his culture, his religion and his family and friends. Real life is so much more different than talking to someone on a computer screen. I am not trying to attack you, I just think you need to be well aware of what you are getting into, and it makes me wonder why there is so much about his culture that he has not mentioned to you, important things, especially about not being able to marry an atheist, and that is it haram for him to have any type of relationship at all outside of marriage. Men are not even supposed to touch, even holding hands outside of marriage.

Edited March 29, 2013 by mimolicious

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

After all, look at Demi moore and Ashton Kutcher and everybody said they wouldn't last but they have.

This might have been true in 2011, but it sure didn't last long.