I married a woman, not a country

[LvivLovers 39]

I'll throw my 2 cents into the newly stirred pot! (I knew this thing would come back alive! lol)

I don't believe that it matters much where someone gets married or what type of visa they pursued. There are a myriad of reasons why someone might go one route or another. Maybe some get a K1 with less than honorable intentions, and others do it in the same good faith as any other visa type. I don't think it's an important issue one way or another.

In our case, after my wife and I met, we knew we wanted to get married and wanted to be together as quickly as possible. I hadn't actually looked at visas at that point...hell I hadn't even contemplated marriage at that point, but she really blew me away when I met her and I knew there was no reason to look any further. She was the one. We went to a local Internet cafe to do some research on visas. At this point, I was expected it would take a couple weeks or so and wondering how I'd deal with that time apart. Needless to say, we were shocked to see 9 months to a year for just about every visa option (we actually stumbled upon VisaJourney at that point, thank God!). We were disheartened but determined. From everything I read, K1 was the most popular option to get her to the USA, so that's what we focused on initially. Still was looking like it would be 9 months. After I returned home, I continued doing research on VJ and discovered DCF, Direct Consular Filing...I found out in some countries (Ukraine being one of them), you could get through the entire visa process in a fraction of the time, as little as a couple weeks. Only hitch was, you had to be married to pull this off. Say no more...we immediately started planning our wedding.

Now to be honest, we would have gotten married in either the USA, Ukraine, or any other country that would help us to be together more quickly. But it was looking like Ukraine would be the one. I liked the idea of this, since she had lived in the same city Lviv her whole life and thus all her friends and family were right there too. In contrast, my friends are spread all over the country with families and it would be much more difficult for them to attend. Likewise, I figured it would be sort of a send-off party for her as well and thought it would be great to see her traditions and culture...it just seemed the best choice all the way around.

Needless to say, I was paranoid about DCF. It was too good to be true. I wanted to get it done as fast as possible before the government borked it up like they inevitably do to everything else. Alas, I wasn't quick enough. With 2 weeks of our decision to get married, they killed DCF! It was a huge blow to both of us as it now meant a much more lengthy time apart. Nonetheless, we decided to continue on with our plan to get married on schedule. So we would be pursuing either the CR-1 visa or K3.

We had a wonderful wedding in Lviv, first the official government wedding, and then a big traditional church wedding and reception full of all the Ukranian customs. Absolutely fantastic. I was so glad we made the decision to get married in Ukraine. All her family and friends attended along with my family which flew in from the USA. The party was still going on at the restaurant where we held our reception when we left at 4AM (and the REAL party began! haha)

Sadly, I had to return home after this and start all the visa work. I was actually pursuing both CR-1 and K3 at the same time planning to go with whichever one looked like it would be done first and abandoning the other at that point. Unfortunately, at that time USCIS was changing policies every other week and made the decision for us, administratively closing the CR-1 path for us. The CR-1 would have meant a little more time apart but would have resulted in a green card which would have meant no hassling with AOS once she arrived. We were torn as to which path we'd follow, but in the end I think we were just happy that we'd be together a bit quicker.

Anyway, I have to say, I don't think the choice of where we got married or visa type was much of a thought for us. We just went with what was the most logical decision at the time. Nothing to do with test drives or money or advantages if things didn't work out.

As far as the whole discussion on cultures, I believe that traditionally the man has been in charge. Frankly, in some situations, someone has to be in charge or you can have a stale mate. So if I had to lean towards a man or a woman ultimately being in charge, I'd probably go with the man being in charge since that's tradition and also because there are many situations that a woman would rather have a man deal with (confrations for example). In my wife's case, she held this same belief that the man SHOULD be in charge. So we were both in agreement on this. That said, we try to be equals as much as possible, and I don't try to exert authority over her or have my way over her way just because it's what I prefer. If we have to make a financial decision though, for example, I'll carefully consider her input but ultimately it's my decision to make and we both know that. To me there's a difference between a man being in charge and being the head of the household and doing the right thing versus being a dictator who says how things are going to be just because they want it that way. I see it as similar to a king...you can have one who's king and a benevolent ruler or you can have a king that chooses to by a tyrant and abuse his power unchecked.

I don't know VV's situation...he's clearly in charge and there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe both he and his wife are completely happy with the situation and she doesn't mind letting go of her culture completely and letting go of her past only pursuing American ideals and culture going forward. To most people that sounds a little suspect I think, because most people just don't want to give up everything on their past, have their minds erased and start over pretending they are someone else. So my only question would be, is it actually VV's wife that agrees that it's best to move on from her Russian culture and past or is it VV that's laid down the law and demands that. If it's not her choice, than it's just my opinion that it's wrong and tyrannical behavior with VV abusing the position he's in. Maybe it's not that way at all though...only VV and his wife could answer that question. I hope it's BOTH of them that agree that's what's best, or it's a sad life for his wife (even if maybe she feels it's a better situation than what she came from).

Anyway, hope this doesn't set anyone off on a tirade or anything. That's just my opinion that results from my upbringing of trying to be as fair as possible (even when you don't have to be).

[mox 298]

I know you're savvy enough to see that I've been exaggerating to make a point. I'm always painted as the anti-Russian guy so I turned the tables.

Er...I guess I'm not that savvy. What part were you exaggerating?

Things may not be quantifiable but behavior is observable...and comparisons can be made. I hear so much about supporting ones wife by renting movies, buying flowers, going to a Russian store...pretty small gestures versus getting married in Russia.

Again with the quantifying. Marrying in Russia +5 billion points. Buying flowers, movie, Russian store, +1 point. I could just as easily say "Marriage in Russia, +5 billion points. Ignoring her on every "Soviet" holiday, -1 million points. Slamming her culture and people every chance you get, -1 billion points each offense. It's just as meaningful/meaningless."

[LvivLovers 39]

I'll take you at your word.

And the notion that sending flowers on IWD is manifestly important is just plain silly.

The real question is, for me, how far will someone go to honor and support his wife? For some it's renting movies and buying flowers, for others it's getting married in Russia.

For me that day is important because it's important to my wife. That's all I need. It's not up to me to decide whether or not something is REALLY important or not. It's up to me whether or not I CARE what's important to HER and whether or not I want to make her HAPPY or not or don't really care whether she is or not.

[AKguy 1]

I'll throw my 2 cents into the newly stirred pot! (I knew this thing would come back alive! lol)

....

My god, I thought my daughter talked a lot!

Kidding.

Talk about a drawn out situation for you two! Glad that happy ending eventually came.

[SMR 368]

I know you're savvy enough to see that I've been exaggerating to make a point. I'm always painted as the anti-Russian guy so I turned the tables.

Things may not be quantifiable but behavior is observable...and comparisons can be made. I hear so much about supporting ones wife by renting movies, buying flowers, going to a Russian store...pretty small gestures versus getting married in Russia.

Unless she didn't want to get married in Russia.....

[LvivLovers 39]

I know you're savvy enough to see that I've been exaggerating to make a point. I'm always painted as the anti-Russian guy so I turned the tables.

Things may not be quantifiable but behavior is observable...and comparisons can be made. I hear so much about supporting ones wife by renting movies, buying flowers, going to a Russian store...pretty small gestures versus getting married in Russia.

I think that's where you may be missing something. Sometime's it's the LITTLE things that are important. For example, my wife states that it's very uncommon for men in Ukraine to tell their wives or girlfriends they love them. Sometimes they may only sat it once per 6 months or so on some special occasion. That's not a big gesture to do, but I can tell you it means the world to my wife. She loves hearing this much more frequently from me. In any case, to me, if I love someone and care about them, I want to constantly make gestures and do things that are going to make them happy. To be honest, nothing really makes me as happy as to see her happy, so it's a win-win situation.

[LvivLovers 39]

My god, I thought my daughter talked a lot!

Kidding.

Talk about a drawn out situation for you two! Glad that happy ending eventually came.

Beleive me, that's the abbreviated version! hahaha

Oh I might also add...we vacationed together in the Dominican Republic too! But it wasn't so she had to have the burden of travelling moreso than me, although that was certainly the case. The problem was I had been working at my job for only about 6 months when I took 5 weeks of vacation to be with my wife and get married. I don't know about other people's situations, but to me that was already super generous of my boss and I didn't want to turn around and be asking for yet MORE days. So for us it was all about finding a place closer to me so I could actually take a short vacation and be together without spending several days flying. The burden WAS on her this time, but it was the most logical option at the time. It's just not easy getting to and from Ukraine quickly. It was a hard trip for her (her first plane trip to boot), but she never complained about it. The DR was fantastic by the way and it was just what we needed to get us through the long visa waiting process which was 9 months in our case.

[Martyshk 137]

Unless she didn't want to get married in Russia.....

SMR, he completely doesn't wanna see that point. So don't bother.

[Cixelsyd 1]

Well, we had a romantic beach wedding here in the States with neither family present. We applied for a CR-1 and don't care where the hell we live. I don't care what country she's from and she could care less that I'm American. But I like learning about where she's from because it's part of who she is. We'll celebrate whatever holiday's we want; hell, we may even celebrate every day just because we're together.

So I guess we've just done everything all wrong.

Or....

[mox 298]

I think that's where you may be missing something. Sometime's it's the LITTLE things that are important. For example, my wife states that it's very uncommon for men in Ukraine to tell their wives or girlfriends they love them. Sometimes they may only sat it once per 6 months or so on some special occasion. That's not a big gesture to do, but I can tell you it means the world to my wife. She loves hearing this much more frequently from me. In any case, to me, if I love someone and care about them, I want to constantly make gestures and do things that are going to make them happy. To be honest, nothing really makes me as happy as to see her happy, so it's a win-win situation.

Pffff. Saying "I love you" is only worth 2 points, and "making her happy" is only worth 1. You obviously don't care about her at all.

[LvivLovers 39]

Pffff. Saying "I love you" is only worth 2 points, and "making her happy" is only worth 1. You obviously don't care about her at all.

[Martyshk 137]

As far as the whole discussion on cultures, I believe that traditionally the man has been in charge. Frankly, in some situations, someone has to be in charge or you can have a stale mate. So if I had to lean towards a man or a woman ultimately being in charge, I'd probably go with the man being in charge since that's tradition and also because there are many situations that a woman would rather have a man deal with (confrations for example). In my wife's case, she held this same belief that the man SHOULD be in charge.

:thumbs: :thumbs: :thumbs: :thumbs: :thumbs:

It's exactly like that for us.

[Marilyn. 340]

I know I am one of those awful Canadians but I just wanted to add my 2 cents

The wedding is just one day.. I think how you show respect for your wife and her country on a day to day basis is more important then that one day...

[mox 298]

I know I am one of those awful Canadians but I just wanted to add my 2 cents

The wedding is just one day.. I think how you show respect for your wife and her country on a day to day basis is more important then that one day...

Sorry Marilyn, I can't agree with anything you say because of hockey.

[SMR 368]

Actually, my wife and I are reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" together and one of the the things the author brings up is that men and women count points differently. In particular, he states that although men think big things are worth lots of points and little things are worth a couple points, women think everything is worth 1 point. That is, you bring flowers, 1 point. You say, I love you, 1 point. You donate both of your kidneys to her, 1 point. You fly to Russia and have a wedding in her home town... you get the picture.

Now, I try not to keep score and I can't verify that this way of thinking is really accurate of women, but it would certainly shoot down VV's argument.