Venting out and advise

[Christi and Ian 24]

I don't view porn as cheating - it's just a means to an end...just my opinion...

On the other hand, regardless of what you decide to do, I would most definitely demand that he be tested for STD's if you decide to "be" with him again...

Edited February 27, 2010 by Christi and Ian

[ziia 9]

I don't know why you guys talk about porn here because the OP made no mention of such thing. She is dealing with her husband seeking "massage" services and escorts. That is completely different than siting behind a screen drooling over a piece of meet with a thong. Porn is harmless but seeking sexual services it is not.

To the OP: Your spouse lacks self esteem. Sexual adventures with those type of women(or better said females- i don't like this word at all but it is a better fit) are an expression of his sense of value, no matter how financially successful or attractive he is. Please remember that sex is not a cause but an effect, sex is not the mind but a product of the mind. Aside from talking to him which I hope you did already, you can try to be more supportive, encouraging, understanding, caring, loving, intimate towards him.

Give him space when he needs to and love when he's approachable, encourage him when he's stressed, understand him when he talks to you about his problems, care for him when he needs an embrace or attention, support him when he's at his peak or seeking to reach a goal, be proud of him and tell him that at home between you two and in front of his friends or acquaintances, be intimate with him when the vibe is right, be his anchor and his river of strength and he will come to you. A man aware of his self worth acts accordingly to the wealth he possess(i'm not talking about financial wealth but the wealth he finds in himself and you and himself being around you).

I know it's hard to act upon my advices now that you found out he might be slipping away from the marriage, but remember that he hasn't cheated yet. You need to help your man and stand by him and give him the best of what you can offer to the person you love and married. If you were in this relationship years and years I would have probably told you that you need counseling, both of you, or you probably are better off apart. But in your time line, I read that you haven't been together long. So my guess is that you are not the "cause" of his behavior but you can be the "cause" of this man gaining his self respect if you choose to.

Please don't approach him in a rough or dramatic way no matter how hard it is right now. Let in sink in you: he has not cheated yet. You still have time to turn this around, make it work, create something beautiful and strong between you two. Also, something quite important, don't force anything, even if it's your love...just wait until you find the right time, when he's opened to receive your energy. If you choose to and you love this person and you feel that something great united you and him, everything I said above, do it gradually, in time.

Best of wishes and good luck.

Edited February 27, 2010 by ziia

[Christi and Ian 24]

Porn was brought up in the natural flow of the conversation - conversations evolve.

And if he's looking to cheat on you, before you've even left, I call that a character flaw...

[twellspeak 0]

Please follow Ziia's advice, it's the best here. Don't confront him, talk to him and try to find out what the problem is, then do your best to fix it.

[nane1104 146]

I have to agree with the last two posts.

He hasn't done anything yet (hopefully!) so it's still time to talk to him, to tell him how hurt you are about what you discovered and ask him why.

Ask him what his needs are, what he feels he is missing in the marriage and what you can do to help him to feel fulfilled in the marriage so he won't seek it from other women.

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to blame you for him seeking the company of other women- that's on him.

Now, if it's indeed just about sex and he thinks he can't be "without" while you are gone, I'd consider this a big problem which you will probably face any time you are away from him.

I hope you will be able to have a good conversation with him where you can stay as calm as possible, being able to tell him how you feel but also be able to listen to what he has to say.

Good luck, all the best. Been there, done it, it's not easy but you can do it!!!

[ziia 9]

Now, if it's indeed just about sex and he thinks he can't be "without" while you are gone, I'd consider this a big problem which you will probably face any time you are away from him.

I truly believe that any human being in this world, no matter of gender, they are capable of living a lifetime loving just one person and being faithful. Because we each have different experiences(history) in our life and certain dramas and disappointments, even if we're not aware or think we passed them, they can take a toll and the result is a partially "broken"(insecure) otherwise good human(perhaps like he OP's spouse). Everything ca be fixed as long as you know what you are dealing with. The OP knows and that is a plus. My father always said that I should not come to him with an unresolved math problem if i can't first recite to him the problem by heart. He would say that if I know the unresolved issue(problem), then I already have half of it if not all of it, solved(i'll know what to do, how to approach it). He was correct and still is, even though now I'm not applying that in math problems but life issues.

I guide my life by my father's wisdom.

I hope the OP is good...we haven't heard from her in a while...

Edited March 5, 2010 by ziia

[Candy/SadanNasir 2]

Have you asked him about it?

Sorry, that would be my first reaction.

I agree, sadness, stress and loneliness can compound feelings of being devalued and foster negative projection of fears. Do confirm your suspicions by speaking with him. I hope your fears are unwarranted; if they're aren't I wish you luck and strength. I'm so sorry you're feeling sad.

Peace,

CMN

[Created 6]

I agree. Watching porn and cheating totally aren't the same thing. There are many couples who actually watch it together, so are they cheating on each other?

To the OP ~ Discuss the issue with your SO. See where it goes from there...

You are right......one is a prerequisite to the other! I don't consider either normal. Both are below the line on my morality marker.

I am sorry you are experiencing this in your relationship. Both are disrespectful to you.

Edited April 13, 2010 by RMHurd

[Fandango 1,440]

From reading this thread, it is clear that what is acceptable to one may not be acceptable to the other. In fact, to SOME people (not me, lol) indiscretions are 'ok'. It's just a matter of what each couple feels comfortable with.

[woki1986 1]

From reading this thread, it is clear that what is acceptable to one may not be acceptable to the other. In fact, to SOME people (not me, lol) indiscretions are 'ok'. It's just a matter of what each couple feels comfortable with.

I agree Happy Bunny. I think that it's all about communication. You can't begin dealing with an issue without talking about it first. To the original starter of this thread, I hope that things are going ok with you and that through whatever's been going on, I hope that things are working out for you.

[sonobi 3]

Not normal for a man to seek other comforts....of course, a trader will try to blame the spouse for forcing him to look outside the marriage. Sorry that happened to you.....follow your heart!