Is Relationship a Secret in RUS?

[CraigUSA 0]

Ok, need a little guidance.

Is is customary for someone is Russia to not share nor tell very few people in Russia of your relationship. I have been asked to not share photos of us with my friends also?

Im trying to determine if this is a RED Flag or just a Cultural difference.

Any advise or experience would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Craig

[Larry and Maria 0]

Hi Craig,

This seems to be not uncommon. However, I'd like to ask you some questions.

First, what language do you communicate in?

Do you have to use mediated communication, i.e., a translator?

Second, have you asked her directly to share with you her feelings why she makes this request?

Here are two answers to your questions and then a general comment.

First, when Maria did a more benign version of what I sense that you're asking about, I asked her if she could help. The response is that she has shared our relationship with her most close girlfiriends, Mother, Child. That doesn't count other people such as the police department for the police report or her translator for getting the Apostile stamped documents. She has not asked me to refrain from sharing my happiness with my friends and relatives here in the US or pictures, quite the contrary. She has told me that when she's leaving Russia for good, she will explain this to me.

Second, I asked an American woman friend about this and she said "it's a girl thing." "A woman doesn't want to tell everyone today about the new relationship and then something happen; we don't like that feeling." As an aside, I've seen many comments about different cultures, including the Russian Culture, that there's a belief if you discuss something good it can hex or cause it to go sour.

Now here's my comment. You would need to do a "gut check" and a "smell test." Doubts aren't good. Since you didn't mention asking her about it nor gave an answer to that question, something's kept you from addressing a vital relationship event: why the secrecy? It could be a cultural difference. It couild bode other answers from the innocent to complex to even troubling. I do not think your question could be answered with the sparce information provided. I also wonder if you've not addressed this directly with her what causes you not to do this. Obviously, it would concern any American male or female. You need much more sharing of information between you and your future wife on this topic.

I hopes this helps.

Larry

[slim 1,525]

Larry

I'd just like to piggy-back on what Larry said. The "girl thing" is a possibility, and the Russian superstition of not talking about something so you don't hex it is also true.

That said, there are literally thousands of girls in Russia/CIS that are looking for nice guys from the U.S., and if this one isn't 100% into you, you can find one that is. There's nothing wrong with taking a little extra time to find one that is willing to share everything with you and with her friends too.

If you've already decided that "she's the one" (and I'm assuming you have because you're here on VJ) just make sure that you guys talk about it before you jump into anything. With the language gap and the cultural issues I know sometimes it's a lot easier to just let it go when something's bugging you and chock it up to "well, she's just different... and that's not necessarily a bad thing." Bottom line is, maybe that is a bad thing. If something she's doing now bothers you, get her to clarify completely before you take the next step. If it's something that you're thinking might be a RED FLAG, by all means, have her clarify for you, and if you don't like the answer... maybe it is a RED FLAG. But, maybe it's just the way that she and her girlfriends all handle their relationships and there's nothing for you to worry about. That's why you need to talk to her about it!!!

Please let us know what's going on, and maybe we can share a little insight into what's happening with your girl too. Believe it or not, just about everyone on here has gone through similar problems with their S/O as well.

Good Luck!

[Larry and Maria 0]

Hi Craig,

I forgot to mention that your timeline states you went to her home town, met her parents (maybe other relatives?), and asked for her hand in marriage ... regardless of how you want to phrase it (Maria said I "offered her my heart").

These are good things. Did she introduce you to any friends, her best girlfriend?

As requested, share with us more details like just how many and whom have you met on "her side of the fence?"

The only thing that strikes me as extreme is asking you not to show pictures to your relatives and friends. Why? Also, women are sensitive to how they look ... well, the good looking ones at least ... maybe all of us ... with the females of the species being more sensitive to how they appear in public. You know the old English saying "A lady in public and a ...."

Larry

[workin4somethin 0]

Craig,

For me, it would be a red flag. I know it's an individual thing.

How does she greet you at the airport when you arrive? Does she wear a big smile, desire a big hug and not care what other people in the airport think; or, does she seem to be protecting something?

Maybe you can read something about her actions and her true feelings from the things you know about her. My advice would be to follow your gut feelings.

Best wishes.

[timelena 0]

How old is she?

[akdiver 3]

My (Russian) wife says that this is a RED (as in Soviet) flag!! She describe it as "very strange". She adds however that girls may not tell about relationships with foreign men to avoid envy/jealousy issues. She further adds that this girl's request that YOU not share photos of the two of you with YOUR friends is very strange - she has no explanation for it.

Bottomline: caution is advised.

Cheers!

AKDiver

Edited August 1, 2006 by akdiver

[Marc and Olga 0]

I going to side with akdiver here. During my trip to Russia, I met her family but no friends, we did go out one night to a nightclub and were seated with a couple of girls, I got the impression that Olga told these complete "strangers" about why I was in Russia!

Olga did not seem to mind the fact that I showed my co-workers and friends the photographs from my trip!

Just my opinion though...

[Satellite 1]

The only explanations I can think of is her age and immaturity. Also perhaps there is a huge age difference between you two and she is ashamed of it. And finally perhaps she is just concerned about general criticism of her relationship with you.

But otherwise as Chris Rock said, "If you've been dating a guy for 4 months and haven't met any of his friends, you are not his girlfriend."

Applies reciprocally.

http://www.quehubo.com/eng/lyrics/index.php?&page=92

[saturn5man 0]

The only explanations I can think of is her age and immaturity.

Doesn't look like an age issue to me:

http://www.visajourney.com/gallery/display...cat=0&pos=0

[CraigUSA 0]

Thanks all for the info.

by the way her English is excellent and she is 26 almost 27. Where im 36.

She has been quite involved in her work, supporting her parents and here education so she tells me she only has colleagues with work and no friends.

Thanks again

C-

[akdiver 3]

She has been quite involved in her work, supporting her parents and here education so she tells me she only has colleagues with work and no friends.

Sounds like complete BS to me. No way does this pass the smell test.

Cheers!

AKDiver

[slim 1,525]

So you guys met in person for the first time in March of this year, then again in June?

I'm not one to say "hold on a second" becuase it's your life, you do what you want, and I know you really can find the lady of your dreams in just a few short months, but just to say what I'm sure everyone else around you is saying... "Isn't that kind of fast?"

If she's not telling people around her, I'm assuming it's because she doesn't want to hear their "Isn't that kind of fast to be getting married to some guy you just met and throwing your whole life away to go to the U.S. to be with him... what are you doing girl?" So, maybe it's more of that than anything else.

If you guys have that special connection and you know she's the one, who cares if it's too fast? I know this kind of thing happens all the time with girls from Russia/CIS and guys from the States. If her English is good, ask her straight out "do you not tell people because you don't want to hear them talk about it being too fast, or do you not tell them because you don't really love me, but are going through with it anyway just to come to the U.S.?" She'll probably give you a straight answer.

Keep us posted.

[mrsushi66 0]

One other thing to remember is the type of picture and perspective.

Anna sent me pictures and never asked me not to share them but then she sent me pictures of her in her swim suit. Now from my point of view these were not so racey that I could not show my sister or family but she said they were only for me so I respected that and have shown them to no one. So if she had not said do not share them I probably would have showed them to my family and closest friends, after all I think she is beautiful and she wears a more modest swim suit than most women I have seen on american beaches.

Just a thought.

Paul

[Nick'n'Nat 0]

To me that sounds like a really strange request, Tasha wanted me to meet everyone in her family and her friends, and we all took alot of pictures. We have a large age difference, but noone really cared because we all got along great. But really why ask us? Why not ask her this question so you know the real answer......or at least the one she is giving you. But then I don't really know the area she is from so maybe there is some tradition or belief that involves bad luck in showing pictures of your beloved before marriage. Just ask her!